thelectureroom: Mog! (Default)
[personal profile] thelectureroom
Title: The Nobody Virus
Author: hajikurazaki19 and DeadShut
Rating: One for the terrible-and-we-mean-Terrible writing, one for the horribly boring characters, one for the sexism (OMIGAWD THE SEXISM), one for the needless and graphic violence, and one just to let you know that this entire fic is devoid of any entertainment value whatsoever. You have been warned.
Full Name (including any titles): Ryan “Roxas” Hall, Sora O’Reily. (There's a million more, but they're not worth remembering.)
Full Species(es): Scum of the earth.
Hair Color (include adjectives): The quick summary for this part is to say that sometimes hair is same as canon, sometimes it’s something entirely different. There is never any good reason for either.
Eye Color (include adjectives): The most memorable colour is green. Why is it memorable? You’ll see.
Unusual Markings/Colorations/Physical Features: *shrugs*
Special Possessions (if any): Sora has a fancy stick masquerading as the Keyblade in one pocket and seemingly an Idiot Ball in the other, because incompetence like his has to be in tangible form. The story itself also has a weird love/hate relationship with Italy.

Origin: Frank Miller’s Guide to Fanfiction (with a foreword by Alan Moore)
Connections To Canon Characters: Stole their names. And then killed them to hide the evidence.
Special Abilities: Hallucinating others into believing anyone's had character development or changed in any way whatsoever.
Other Annoying Traits: Let’s save you some time and compress the answer down to “Everything not mentioned above.”

I Say/Notes:

Part One
Part Two
Part Three

(In an old lecture hall, various members of the Organization are holding their heads in despair when Xion walks in.)
Xion: Hey, guys, whatcha doin'? I heard screaming.
Axel and Roxas: XION, NO! *start trying to push her out of the room*
Xion: Hey, settle down! What's with you two?
Roxas: Um, well... *deep breath* We're being forced to read a fanfic that's a “realistic portrayal” of our series but so far it's making Sin City look like Amelie. Everyone runs around saying they should do stuff without actually advancing the plot, we're all crazy, and generally it's a horrible experience.
Xion: *takes seat beside Axel* I'm in.
Axel: What? You want to stay after all that?
Xion: You had me at “realistic”. I've got to see how this turns out.
Roxas: *considers trying to change her mind but gives up and takes his seat* Where were we before I started yelling?
Mog: Saying the Virus can infect humans or human-shaped bodies.
Xion: So it could infect statues too?

The Virus, once inside a person, living or dead, will then replicate millions upon millions of duplications, all enveloping certain parts of the bodies. The victim's brain is replaced by programming from the Virus, and the victim loses his or her humanity and becomes a "Nobody", an emotionless being under the Organization's control.

Roxas: Whoa! Why are you focusing on the living people when you have the power to create an army of zombies? Zombies! This would instantly be better if we had that!

Next was the Takeover. Doctor Xehanort's plan was to infect a couple major cities around America with the Virus and let chaos ensue for a period of time.

Larxene: Just for shits and giggles.

By then, the Organization was hoping to have people, some Members and others Nobodies, within the government by killing off actual officials…

Marluxia: Because researching the inner workings of politics and election campaigns would require too much research on the authors’ parts. Let's just kill our way into the White House.

which was what Roxas had been sent to help do: place a tracking device on a Senator so Xigbar could assassinate the politician.
Roxas: But what they didn't know was that the Senator, being the only good person in this story, had given his coat to someone less fortunate. This person then found the envelope holding the tracking device and, seeing it was useless, threw it in the trash. By the time the Organization started questioning why Senator Coolidge was standing in the nearby dump for the past two weeks, their plans were foiled by our unsung heroes.
Lexaeus: It's amazing how one act of altruism can help save the world.

Once America was in complete panic, the Virus would be sent to all other cities and towns possible by the first Nobodies, creating an army.

Roxas: Of ZOMBIES!

These lifeless soldiers would then spread out to all over the world, the Virus with them.

Axel: That's going to be a lot of plane tickets to buy for the zombies.

Within a couple years of this, speculated Saix, the majority of the human population would be gone.

Roxas: When this discussion finished did Saix tell me “As you can see there's a whole lot of stuff to do before the world ends next fall?”
Xion: Hey, don't steal my allusions!

Which lead to the last part: Kingdom Hearts.

Xion: With all of humanity gone, there'd be no lineups at the game stores! A genius plan!

This bit of information was hard for Roxas to believe, but he trusted Saix like a loyal son would trust a father.

Zexion: Because the story said so. Having characters question information might show some insight into them as people.

According to the scarred second-in-command, the U.S government had received vast amounts of knowledge in the summer of 1947, when something extraordinary arrived on Earth.

Vexen: No... They're not...

To many civilians, this arrival was known as the "Roswell Incident",

Roxas: ...And the public don't dwell on my transmission cause it wasn't televised...

and the media's conclusions were that it was an extraterrestrial ship crashing on Earth.

Xion: ...It was a turning point...

They were half-right;

Xion: *singing* Oh, what a lonely niiiiight!

the beings in the ship were not from Earth…at least, not from this Earth.


From the debris of the crashed ship, people saw strange humanoid figures: aliens.

Xion: Wow, I walked in on the best part, didn't I?
Axel: They had planned to destroy us, but then we convinced them that mosquitoes were an endangered species, so it all worked out okay.

But not from another planet, oh, no. The creatures were from Earth…but not this Earth.

Zexion: Earth B-5, where sentences are repeated again and again.

The Earth they were from, or so they said, was one in another universe. The same galaxy, but with an entirely different timeline in both human evolution and technological advancements.

Vexen: This is a joke. This has to be a joke.

Astounded, scientists of the time recorded everything one of the surviving creatures had spoke of, before they died.

Marluxia: But because no story is complete without bullcock conspiracy theories, the government covered it all up!

The beings had come to ally themselves with other universes in order to invite them to "Kingdom Hearts" (as researchers codenamed it),

Xion: Cuz they were big fans of the series.
Larxene: It’s like that dwarf planet named after Xena.

the meeting point of this humongous webwork of universes, where all universes could share with one another the secrets of existence that they had found. And, with this trading of knowledge and technology, the representatives from all universes could become pioneers and help further the knowledge of this alliance by exploring every corner of their existences with the powers bestowed upon them.

Zexion: So basically Kingdom Hearts is now one giant, glorified board room.
Axel: But they have the best donuts in the universe.

That was the Organization's goal: to reach Kingdom Hearts and find that power. But not to use it as pioneers for the universal alliances. They would use it to further their control on the universe they were in, extend themselves to other planets, see the secrets of their galaxies, and close any tears in the universal paradox that any parallel Earths may have opened to seal themselves from future enemies.

Vexen: And why, exactly, do we want to gain control of the entire universe?
Axel: Because our pet kitten ran away from home. Do you really think anyone cares?
Xion: Either that or Doctor Xehanort's in a race with Maleficent to see who can take over all the worlds the fastest.

And to do that…they needed to get the Keyblade.

When the creatures from Roswell passed away, they gave one last golden egg to humanity:

Roxas: Which, because the fic thinks all humans are born idiots, we accidentally used to make an omelet. Oopsy!

a computer device, almost like a USB,

Xion: (as aliens) Here, we give you this item so you can share all your knowledge with us. Except it's technology that won't exist for at least 50 years, so have fun till then, bah-bye!
Lexaeus: I suppose we should admire their foresight in knowing no one uses floppy disks or CD-Roms anymore.
Axel: I miss the days when the bad guys kept all their evil plans on a single disk.

full of information on how to reach Kingdom Hearts, and also an extremely powerful weapon. The Keyblade's whereabouts were unknown to almost anyone,

Larxene: The aliens were huge dicks that way.
Xion: (as aliens) And along with being worthless for half a century, we also hid it so you guys can have fun trying to find it until it becomes relevant technology! TTFN!

and many had dismissed it as legend. Over the course of time, many of those who also heard of the Keyblade's knowledge about Kingdom Hearts created fake ones, with no information but just as much firepower.

Vexen: They had great reference material for an object that no one has ever seen.

These were Keyblades, yes, but the real Keyblade was still out there somewhere, and once the Organization had it in its grasp…God help the world.

Roxas: Ruling the world with our heads in a swirl... and it's keen... livin' in Deep 13.
Mog: *from notes* And now Roxas has two fake Keyblades named ‘Oathkeeper’ and ‘Oblivion’. Does that reference make you feel a bit better, kupo?
Roxas: No.

7: Club Heartless

[[Note from management: Since last chapter’s giant tangent of an author’s note is the norm for this already bloated fic, we’ve decided to go the ‘a picture is worth a thousand words’ route and sum up future a/n’s with this image.]]

Mog: *from notes* We're back to the Sora and the gang for the start of this chapter.
Roxas: Is he actually going to go to D.C. and do something now?
Mog: ...Um. *looks through notes* He and Kairi go to a club and Riku doesn't seem quite sure where he wants to go.

Riku stood by the window. It was night and New York was just an amazing sight. The completely black buildings illuminated only by the lights from other buildings.

Lexaeus: All the streetlights have short-circuited.
Vexen: And there's no cars down there.

The streets were still busy, and music could be heard from downstairs. The music suited the scene so well,

Axel: It was Regina Spektor, complaining about how people are fucking to one of her songs.

Sora felt as if his heart would explode.

"It's so…"

Riku huffed. "Yeah, it's great." He turned away. "Get ready."

Sora looked at Kairi. He sorely wished he could crawl back into bed with her and forget about everything. He almost felt like nothing else mattered.

Zexion: He almost felt like repeating phrases from the last chapter.

But, the aching in his chest forced him into remembering his parents. He rubbed his head and got in the shower.

Mom would love her. Dad would too. Sora thought.

Xion: (as Sora) Hey, Mom and Dad, sorry you were experimented on and now have carrots growing out your ears. Wanna meet the girl of my dreams?
Mog: *from notes* Sora gets dressed.

"Where are we going?"

Riku folded his arms. "I'm waiting for a signal.

Axel: (as Riku) Shaped like a bat. I am the only one left who can help this crime-infested city.

As soon as we get it, we need to make a quick stop and then we are catching a bus to Washington."

Vexen: He promised something will be accomplished quickly in this story. He should know not to set up radically false expectations like that.
Mog: *from notes* Off they go!

Riku called the elevator.

Xion: (as Riku) Heeeeeeeeeeere elevator-elevator-elevator! Come and get a treat!

"I think we might be able to find out who those people were if we hit this club. I didn't tell Mick that we were stopping. As far as he knows, we are just stopping for a bite to eat. That's how it's going to stay."

Marluxia: (as Riku) It's easier for everything to go horribly wrong this way.
Mog: *from notes* Sora says Riku lies a lot and Riku says Sora looks too soft.

Sora felt like he had been insulted, but he knew Riku was just telling the truth. Or at least appearing like he was. Sora couldn't be sure, but he was a good secret keeper. He wouldn't tell anyone about any of the lies Riku had already told. For some reason, he trusted him.

Axel: Woooooow, how long’d it take to think up that character development? ‘Yeah, I know he’s a dink, but he’s really good at being a dink, so I just gotta be friends with him!’

While in the elevator, Sora and Kairi kept exchanging quick glances. Sora began to wonder if she wanted to fuck him as badly as he wanted her.

Zexion: Tact- minus one.

He blushed. Riku noticed, but didn't mention it. He shrugged it off. He was just a little more preoccupied with his mission.

This was personal for him.

Axel: (a la movie narrator) He thought his days of crime were over but that life will not let him go so easily. Once again he's dragged into the city's underworld but this time... it's personal.

The doorman hailed a taxi. "Heading out?" he asked innocently.

Larxene: (as Kairi) Yeah, mister! We're gonna go out and find the dumbest scene we can and jump in! It'll be fun!

Riku nodded, but didn't answer him. Sora stood next to Kairi. As Riku got in the taxi, Sora leaned over.

"We need some alone time."

Kairi nodded. "At the club."

"Okay, you two." Riku said. "The place is called Heartless. Not very discrete.

Zexion: Is there a police force in New York at all? Is there any common sense in New York at all?

We will go there in separate taxis. I don't want to run the risk of being followed. I'll meet you there. You two will be posing as a couple. I'm the loner."

Sora wondered if God was actually listening to his prayers. It seemed too good to be true. Riku had paired him with Kairi. It had to be his lucky day.

Roxas: (as Sora) My parents were kidnapped, I was almost murdered, and my entire life is unravelling around me. It's my lucky day!
Mog: *from notes* Sora stares at Kairi some more.

He had more self control than that. And, besides, it wasn't very classy to fuck in the back of a taxi.

Axel: You could also say it isn't classy to fuck after a rape scene BUT WHO CARES?
Zexion: Tact- minus two.

Riku sat in his taxi, planning his next move. He actually needed to make two stops.

Larxene: Make up your mind! Drop him with a parachute from a blimp that says "Lick Me" for all I care, just make him go somewhere!

This first one was going to be quick. He was waiting for the right moment to ask the cab driver to stop.

"Where you off to?"

Riku was silent for a long time. "Stop!"

Xion: (as cab driver) “Stop”, eh? I don't know that place. There's a lot of those red signs around, you want to go to one of those?

The taxi screeched to a halt. Riku threw money at him

Roxas: Ouch.

and hopped out. "Meet me around the corner. Step on it!"

Axel: (as taxi driver) *laughs* Kid, did you really just tell me to “step on it”? Where do you think you are, a Saturday morning cartoon?

The taxi sped away. Riku dashed down an alleyway. His hair was flying back when he skidded to a stalk.

Marluxia: He found where Jack planted the magic beans.

He peered around the corner. There were two men standing at the end. They were standing next to a car, the trunk propped open. Riku could barely see plastic wrapped blocks in a duffel bag.

Larxene: Lego brick smugglers, the worst scum of the earth.

"Shit, man." Said one of the men. "He could've picked a place closer to a strip club. Jesus. I'm sick of this prick."

"Shut up," the other man answered. "We're just runners. He said he would be here at ten. It's only ten of.

Zexion: Ten of what?


The other man said something intelligible.

Lexaeus: Meaning we should be able to hear what he said.

Riku slid into the shadows.

Roxas: Remember Shadow Heartless? I miss those.

His eyes were on his target. The two men milled around. There were no cops in sight.

Vexen: Like there haven't been this entire time.

Riku kept his back to the wall. The two drug runners were completely oblivious.

They aren't very good at this. Riku thought as he picked up a broken pipe.

Xion: That was conveniently laying around for such an occasion.

The two men leaned against the car. Riku could see their guns at their sides. He paused to gather his thoughts. He breathed in. Paused. Breathed out. Paused. Silence.

Zexion: The entire time he's doing this, the thugs have noticed him and are wondering if the weird kid is going to do anything soon.
Mog: *from notes* He does. He knocks the two men out, steals their bag, and then heads to Greenwich village.

As Riku walked up the street in Greenwich Village, he was constantly looking back and forth.

Xion: First look left, then right to make sure no cars are coming. Then hold a grown-up's hand before you cross the street.

He was making absolutely sure that he wasn't being followed. He was beginning to dislike his constant fighting lifestyle.

Vexen: Though little fighting has been seen.

He turned into a rundown building, though, it seemed, that every building was beginning to look rundown.

Roxas: Riku was on Dramatic Setting Street.

He opened the elevator in the lobby and pressed a button furiously.

Vexen: And he's using the elevator in a rundown building and not meeting his superior in D.C. because...

I've got to get out of this. Riku thought angrily.

He opened the elevator door with difficulty. It was a freight like elevator that was common in studio apartment buildings. The sound of the elevator returning to the ground floor echoed in the exposed rafters.

"Hello?" came a female's voice.

Vexen: Ah, because the plot said so.
Axel: It's like the fic is having sidequests now.

Riku turned around. There standing in nothing but a sheet

Roxas: Human Ariel is a bit lost.

was a woman who looked like she was in her older twenties. Her hair was black with blue laced through it.

Xion: (as woman) Dye my hair bruise colour, please!

She wore lots of bangles and she looked like she could have been some kind of whore.


(The door to the room is suddenly thrown open as Terra is kicked in then slams shut.)
Terra: What? Who what? Where am I? *recognizes room* No. *looks at screen* Not again! *desperately tries to open door, to no avail*
Everyone else: *blink*

Roxas: Well... I guess you count as one of us.
Xion: And we'll need someone to represent the Birth by Sleep people now.
Vexen: *thinks* Mog, it seems to me that there's a few too many people in this room. Or, at the very least, one too many scientists.
(Zexion sees where this is going and tries to summon a portal but Vexen is faster.)
Vexen: Farewell, poor unfortunate souls! Enjoy your misery! *leaves*
(There is some scattered grumbling as Terra stands confused.)
Mog: (to Terra) You can have Vexen's font colour, if you like.
Terra: *takes Vexen's seat* I still don't know how I got here.

The woman smiled. "Riku!" She sang. "What brings you here?"

Terra: Plot convenience, I'm sure.

Riku dropped the duffel bag. Aqua looked at it. "Been busy?"

"I just want some information."

Aqua laughed. "Oh, really?"

Riku nodded. "I need to know about the Keyblade."

Aqua's smile faltered.

Terra: (as Aqua) How do you know about the Keyblade?
Axel: Don't reference canon, man. It'll only hurt.

"Very serious, huh? May I ask why?"

Riku looked at her. "You may, but that doesn't mean I'll tell you."

Aqua shrugged. "Well, I do expect some sort of payment."

Terra: *fingers crossed* Like munny or ice cream, like munny or ice cream.
Lexaeus: Optimism will get you nowhere.
Mog: *from notes* Riku doesn't have any munny or ice cream, anyway.

"I would like the same services that I offer, offered to me." Aqua said. "Being a Madame takes its toll on your sex life in a major way."

Zexion: *hands book over to Terra* Here, Marluxia softened this up for you.
Terra: Thank you. *whap whap whap whap whap—*

"I'm not fucking you."

Aqua crossed her arms. "I'm not asking you to fuck me. I want to fuck you. There's a big difference, babe."

Terra: *—whap whap whap whap—*
Mog: I'll skip some of this for you, kupo. *from notes* Basically, Riku wants to know about the Keyblade and who the leader of the Heartless is. (Boy, it's taking them a long time to show up. And I thought he'd already figured out who the leader was.)

Aqua sucked in a playful breath. "That's a little harder, honey. I don't know if I can help you with that one."

Terra: Wait! This isn't Aqua! She doesn't end sentences in endearments! *visibly grasping at straws* This is actually Alice from I Am the Messenger, right?
Larxene: Oh, yeah, that one's a little harder, honey. Can't help you with that one, honey.

Riku frowned. He knew what he was going to have to do. Aqua was not lacking in attractiveness.

Terra: Or awesomeness.

She was very pretty,

Terra: And awesome.


Terra: And awesome.

Curves in all the right places,

Terra: Did I mention awesome?

but Riku wasn't so sure he could sacrifice his pride like that. He was reluctant, but in New York, you had to do what you had to do to get things done.

Larxene: As opposed to Toronto, where you just said “Fuck it.”
Marluxia: To be fair, Riku is saying the same thing.

Riku smoothly took off his vest. He let it fall to the floor. He stood up and unzipped his shirt. Sure came in handy. He didn't think that that was the purpose for the zipper.

Zexion: And Gideon Sundback rolls in his grave.

He scoffed inwardly at the irony.

Xion: Next he'll be stuck in a traffic jam when he's two hours late and getting rain on his wedding day.

Aqua smiled. "Don't be so eager, babe. Spend some time."

Riku relaxed. "I actually need to go somewhere."

Roxas: (as Riku) Like to find the in-character us.

Aqua frowned slightly. "Aww well. I could come with you."

Larxene: (as Aqua) I've had practice at synchronized climaxes.

Riku sighed. He was praying that Sora and Kairi were staying out of trouble.

Xion: These two are awfully calm. I know I wouldn't be this comfortable if I were talking in a void.

Aqua stood up and smirked. She dropped her sheet, exposing her nudity.

Terra: *covers eyes*

Riku felt a twinge in his jeans. As much as he would have liked to say he wasn't lusting after her, that would have been a lie.

Riku gulped nervously. "Help yourself."

Marluxia: (as Riku) To the poison I keep stashed in my pants for just such an emergency.

"Sora!" Kairi yelped.

Axel: ...pointing to her computer, where a little fic called ‘The Nobody Virus’ sat.

They were squashed together, moving to the music that was blasting throughout the club.

Xion: *singing* There's a place I know, if you're lookin' for a show, where they go hardcore and there's glitter on the floor!
Marluxia: Why do you bring such evil into this?
Mog: *from notes* So Sora and Kairi are in the club and— Wait, when did they get in here? *pause* Why are they in here? *pause* *starts re-checking notes*

One man pushed him aside. He grabbed Kairi and forced her into a gritty dance.

Roxas: So he's throwing sand on her?

Sora caught himself and jumped at the guy, jealousy raging.


He punched him as hard as he could. The man fell back, and Sora ushered Kairi away.

Roxas: (as Sora) Right this way, miss, your seat is right up front. Enjoy the show.

He had started a fight, and now it was his responsibility to see it out, but he didn't want Kairi to get hurt.

Marluxia: He didn't want the cardboard cut-out of a girl to get hurt.

He was being stupid.

Axel: Finally he admits it!
Mog: *from notes* Sora gets in a fight.

"Hey, what the fuck?" The guy screamed. "I'm just trying to get some pussy. Just like you."

Terra: I'd suggest going to a pet store instead.

Sora hit him again. "Don't you talk about her like that."

The guy kicked him off. He stood up and was about to stomp his face in when Sora lashed out. He didn't know what come over him, but a powerful feeling surged through his chest and he struck at the guy with the Keyblade. He wasn't expecting anything to happen. After all, it was just a bladeless metal rod, but when the guy was sliced in half,

All: *jump back* WHOA!

fear and panic took over.

Terra: For the love of lightbulbs, how did that happen?!
Roxas: Does it have laser beams inside it? That would be so awesome!
Zexion: ... “for the love of lightbulbs”...?

Axel, who had been at the Heartless club on a special mission

Axel: Damn, I'm just that convenient, aren't I?

looked up as he heard the familiar sound of blood splashing on tile. He looked up.

Xion: Wow, he must be looking up at the ceiling now from last sentence.
Zexion: *takes book back from Terra and writes that down*

"Oh fuck," he said quietly. He pulled out his cell phone and dialed seven.

The crowd inside the club flew into a frenzy that could rival any Superbowl party.

Roxas: Cheezies and pretzels flew everywhere!
Axel: Beer cans went helter-skelter!
Xion: The vuvuzelas were crushed underfoot!
Mog: *from notes* Back to Sora! And now back to Axel!

"Saix!" Axel said quickly. "Some fucker just used a Keyblade in public!"

Zexion: I think you'd be more concerned with the fact someone who's not part of the Organization used a Keyblade in public.
Marluxia: On the other end of the phone, Saix is thinking “For the love of Quaker's oatmeal, what did Roxas do now?”

Axel knew of the Keyblade just like every other member in the organization, but he had never seen one so close before. He was wondering which one it was. Perhaps Fatal Crest or Diamond Dust.

Terra: A Command Style is a Keyblade now?
Xion: Oooh. If the regular Keyblade has laser beams, imagine what Wingblade could do!

Either way, everybody had to die.

Lexaeus: This chapter hasn't reached its gore quota yet.

Saix's voice was clear through the cell phone as the music stopped.

Roxas: The DJ is very considerate.

"Seal the exits!"

Axel raced through the club, locking all the doors. The people, in their panic, couldn't figure out how to open the doors,

Terra: So it's like when I got shoved in here, then?

though it was a simple as turning the lock. Axel made sure to cause as much pandemonium as possible as he sealed the club goers' fates.

Larxene: Y'know, I haven't spoken in a while so let me just say: Holy crap, I'm bored. And I shouldn't be bored when there's carnage happening. One of you nerds wanna explain why I'm so bored?
Lexaeus: Could it be the fact that Riku left two children in a night club telling them to wait for him before running off with no further instructions?
Larxene: *thinks* No, that's not it.
Zexion: Could it be that the writing doesn't warrant the "Mature" rating it thinks it deserves?
Larxene: Naw, that's not it.
Marluxia: You're bored because you haven't shown up since chapter four?
Larxene: Yeah, that's it.

Saix was furious. His yelling could be heard through the hallways. Roxas sat up. Something was wrong.

Roxas: O RLY?
Xion: YA RLY!
Roxas: NO WAI!
Xion: YA WAI!
Axel: ...How did you two just do that?
Mog: *from notes* Anyhoo, Saix gets mad at Marluxia.

"You want to die right here?" Saix cried. "Do you?"

Marluxia: If I die in the story, do I get to leave?
Mog: Not how it works, kupo. *looks at notes* By the way, you're off to Club Heartless now.

He disappeared through a side door and flew throuh the night.

Roxas: *holding arms out like Superman* Wheee!

It didn't take him long to reach the nightclub. Muffled screams were coming from inside. Axel was standing outside, arms folded. He looked pissed. He blew out a jet of smoke.

Xion: He’s so mad smoke is comin’ out his ears.

"Smoking will kill you, Guido."

All but Terra and Xion: *groan*
Mog: *from notes* Then there's a lot of words I'm not allowed to repeat.

Axel approached the door and in his most commanding voice, he called through the wood.

Roxas: (as Axel) Dear Prudence, won't you come out and play?
Terra: Every good night club needs a wooden door.

"This is the police. We are sending someone in to help you."

"Oh thank God."

Axel: (as people) Thank God someone is helping us. Not like a huge crowd of people could bust down a wooden door.

Axel unlocked the door with a key he stole from the security guard.

Zexion: Like every good story, we have all the legitimate plot details happen off-screen. We need to make room for the rape and killing, after all.
Terra: Again, wooden door. Bustable. A lock isn’t going to magically make it invincible.

Marluxia startled most of the people inside. They backed away, giving Marluxia the room to enter. Axel shut the door behind him and locked it.

Marluxia: How polite of the panicking crowd to not rush the open door as I entered.
Mog: *from notes* Axel hears Sora and Kairi in the alleyway.

Sora squealed in a high pitched voice. "I think I killed someone!"

Xion: (as Sora) *happy flailing* Squeeeee!

Axel smiled. This is way too easy.

Roxas: Almost like the writers don't care about doing their job anymore.
Mog: *throws paper balls*
Axel: *lights one and throws it back*
Mog: *ducks* Just for that we're not skipping this scene!

He frowned and ruffled his hair. He dashed down the alley, crashing into trashcans and looking terrified. "Run!"

Sora looked around. "What's going on?"

Axel stopped, pretending to be out of breath. "There's a maniac in there!"

Roxas: (as Axel) There’s a maniac— a maniac!— on the dance floor!

Sora kept Kairi close. "We know. We just managed to escape. Through that window."

Axel coughed.

Larxene: “Scoffed” is more what I'd think. (in mocking imitation of Sora) Hiya, mister! Me and my girlfriend escaped a panic-stricken club through the bathroom window and everyone else was too hammered to notice!

"We need to go. Before he decides to come out."

Marluxia: Of the closet.
Everyone else: *stare*
Marluxia: It's less humiliating if I make the bad jokes myself.

He ran down the rest of the alley.

Like he had expected, Sora and Kairi followed. Axel took them far away from the club and only slowed when Sora ran out of breath. He rolled his eyes as he turned around, but made sure it couldn't be seen.

"I'm Lea," Axel said softly.

Axel: Vincent, Ryan, Zeke, Lily, Marla... and Lea. Nice to know all the creativity ran dry once I joined up.


Lexaeus: Kairi isn't allowed to speak.

"What were you guys doing there?" Axel asked, concerned. "You look too young."

Terra: So along with no police, there are no bouncers in this city. Nice to know.
Zexion: The Heartless don't need to protect their base of operations. That would make too much sense.

Sora opened his mouth, but closed it quickly. "What were you doing there?"

Axel: (as self) Standing around waiting for the plot to happen.

"I'm after the Heartless leader." Axel said confidently. "I heard he was going to be there."

"You work for Senator Mouse, too?" Sora said, astounded.

Roxas: *facepalm*

He wondered just how many people worked for him now. Obviously, it wasn't just three.

Larxene: I knew Don and Goofy no longer existed.

"Yeah, I picked up the lead from a contact."


Xion: *facepalm*
Roxas: Hit him, Kairi! Make him stop talking!

Axel smirked, face concealed by darkness.

Marluxia: Conveniently.

Way too easy.

Axel: Why read anyone actively doing stuff, amirite?
Mog: *from notes* You're going back to the club now.

The club's side door opened. A woman crawled out. She was crying hysterically, and she was covered from head to toe in blood. Marluxia stood in the doorway, scythe at his side.

Larxene: Now the gore's just getting predictable.
Lexaeus: It's almost disappointing.

The blade dripped with a trickle of blood that made Axel uncomfortable.

Roxas: You're only uncomfortable now?!
Axel: Seeing someone sliced in half was downright relaxing.

"Where are you going, sweetheart?" Marluxia cooed.

Roxas and Xion: *start imitating pigeons*
Mog: *from notes* I think you can all guess what happens, kupo.
Roxas: I'll take a shot in the dark. Marluxia murders the woman in an overly described way to prove how dark and cruel and mean the world is, Sora and Kairi do nothing, happiness is proven to be harmful to our health and "Ryan" keeps pretending to be me.
Mog: Ahem. *from notes* Back to Oblivion Labs we go.

Axel entered with caution. Saix had left a trail of devastation behind. The refrigerators were open, food splashed everywhere. The TV in the den was completely destroyed. It looked like someone had slashed a sword through it. Axel was relieved to see the Xbox unharmed.

Marluxia: The games for it, on the other hand, did not share the same fate.
Axel: Well, fuckity fuck fuck fuck. I guess I'd better go punch kittens and steal candy from babies.

Axel followed the trail to Saix's room. The door was halfway open, which meant the heat sensor was broken. Saix sat in the middle of his room, staring absently at his holographic stars.

Terra: My God! It's full of stars!

Axel could see he was still trembling with rage.


Xion: (as Axel) Do you need a hug?

Saix looked up. His eyes were bloodshot. Some of the blood vessels looked like they had burst. "What is it?"

"I've got news."

"It better not be bad fucking news or you're going to die." Saix breathed.

Larxene: It's good fucking news, actually. Turns out there's a prostitute in a run-down building that works cheap.
Terra: *summons Keyblade* Good guy or not, I will kick your butt in the name of friendship.

Axel shuddered. "No. Good news, I think."

Saix looked up at him.

Zexion: Once again. *marks down*


Xion: (as Axel) I found a nickel!
Mog: *from notes*Axel repeats what Sora told him.

Saix jumped to his feet. He was smiling, though there was an edge to his tone.

Roxas: Hello, doubly silly sentence! Are you saying he can smile while talking, or that his smile has a tone of voice?
Xion: Coin flip time.

"Call Marluxia back."

Axel: Are your fingers broken? You do it.

Axel scratched the back of his head. "Well, he's burying a whore.

Xion: *glares at Axel*
Axel: Don't give me that look, you know I don't talk like that.
Larxene: Not to her face, anyway.
Xion: *keeps glaring*

He'll be back soon."

Roxas: After these messages, he'll be riiiight back!
Mog: *from notes* Axel is given the orders of taking Roxas to the Grey Room for training. First, though, he stops in Marluxia's room to talk to some poor kupos tied up in there.

Axel turned around. "I didn't think he was into bondage. He don't have a dick.

Terra and Xion: ... *turn to Marluxia* What?
Marluxia: Don't. Even. Ask.
Zexion: On behalf of everyone everywhere with a bondage kink, we apologize.

So, I guess you guys are fucked. Good luck."

Axel: I'm a poet and I don't even know it!

Axel left to the much more panicked protests of the three hostages. He passed Larxene's room and was tempted to go in, but he thought better of it

Larxene: Screw you too, pal. I’m not your blow-up doll.
Xion: I have a feeling I’m going to be making a lot of feminist jokes this fic.

and knocked on Roxas's door. Roxas was on the other side, swinging Oblivion and Oathkeeper, relishing in the crisp sound that the energy made. He looked at his two weapons.

Zexion: Excuse us, the point of view decided to play leap frog.

They each had a shallow button on the side. Roxas looked at them, then pressed them.

Xion: “What do these buttons do?” being the last words he ever spoke.

Both his thumbs were pricked and he threw them to the floor.

Terra: *horrified* He threw his thumbs on the floor?!
Lexaeus: This is why writers should be careful with pronouns.
Mog: *from notes* Downstairs they go!

"I'm gonna leave you to it," Axel said as he pushed him into a huge room.

Roxas: (as Axel) Have fun with that Behemoth. Look out for when he jumps on your head.

The ceiling looked like it went on forever. It only occurred to him briefly that maybe it was an illusion.

Terra: *turns to Zexion* That's your power, isn't it?
Zexion: Correct.
Terra: Could you imagine me being someplace a lot happier?
Zexion: No. I suffer, you suffer. It's as simple as that.

"Use the crap for whatever." Axel explained quickly. "I'm going to bed. I've had a long day. And I don't want to be awake when Saix freaks out again. It's bound to happen.

Marluxia: (as Axel) I'd rather be asleep when he kills me.

Have fun."

Roxas set up a tower of glass. He took a few steps back and prepared. He had no idea how to use the great power that was bestowed upon him, but he sure as hell was going to by the end of the night.

Zexion: We decided to do away with that pesky thing called dialogue. Showing characters interacting and asking legitimate questions is so 2009.
Xion: …Why a tower of glass? When he hits it it’s gonna smash into a million deadly pieces.
Roxas: Maybe that’s what “end of the night” means. Do or die.

Riku moaned loudly as he came.

Terra: his senses and left the story for good?
Larxene: Oh-ho, you only wish. This is going to be so much fun.

Aqua sat on top of him, controlling every bit of their sexual play a she reached her climax at the same time.

Larxene: So she did come with him!

She relaxed and laid on top of him, panting heavily and glistening with sweat.

"You fuck surprisingly well, hon," she whispered.

Terra: Soul... withering...

Riku didn't say anything. He had no idea that an older woman could just control him so easily.

Xion: Women topping in fiction? PSHAW!

He breathed heavily as well, but wanted to prove that he had stamina. Aqua kissed him.

"Okay, as promised," she sighed. "Everything I know about the Keyblade." She paused for a moment. "Well, it was brought to us by…otherworldly beings."

Riku scoffed. "Aliens?"

Axel: Sounds unbelievable, doesn't it?
Roxas: Unrealistic, even!

"I said otherworldly, babe. Not aliens." Aqua huffed angrily.

All: *burst out laughing*
Roxas: *still laughing* I missed this redundancy.

Riku turned away as he realized that he wanted to fuck her again,

Zexion: So he has a refractory period of six seconds?

but he had to focus. He had paid his debt already.

Larxene: In semen.

But still, her body was just begging for one more go.

Larxene: They're gonna go at it like bunnies!
Terra: You do realize that I'm imagining a scene between one of my best friends and a five-year-old.
(Long silence...)
Larxene: Ew, that is disgusting.

Riku groaned softly.

Xion: (as Riku) Ugh, reducing a female lead to nothing more than a sexy object, every grimdark fic has done this trite point. Groooaaaan.

"They claimed to have come from a parallel universe. A place exactly like our own, only better." Aqua said wistfully. "They gave the people there a USB full of information that we could not possibly understand. It's supposed to get the 'worlds' interconnected through Kingdom Hearts."


"Well, I hear there are fakes. I think I remember hearing stories about how there were these guys, Unversed, that made them."

Roxas: We haven't even seen the Heartless and you're bringing in the Unversed?!
Axel: We need to be reminded the authors are up-to-date on the franchise.


"It means 'unversed in the ways of the galaxy' or something like that."

Roxas: Okay, they get points for explaining the name, but that still leaves them in the negative thousands.

Aqua coughed quietly. "I believe that's what the Heartless gang wants. They think they could rule the world with it.


But, I don't believe in that garbage anyway."

Zexion: (as Aqua) That's why I know more about it than you.

Riku sat up. "You don't?"

Aqua shook her head. "Nope. Only religious freaks believe that. I just know the stories."

(Various books of religion are thrown at the screen in hopes the story will learn a thing or two.)

"Thanks," Riku said as he stood. "That's all I need."

Aqua rolled on her back. "I could go for another round, babe."

Riku shook his head. "I can't. Maybe some other time. I have to go get my friends and leave."

Xion: (as Riku) So I'll just be ignoring the two down at the club and go find the real Sora and Kairi, if you don't mind.

Aqua smiled. "Okay, but how did you like it?"

Terra: Not at all!

"It was good." Riku said. "The most amazing thing I've ever experienced."

Aqua laughed. "Come back anytime."

Terra: No! Don't ever come back here! Forget “here” even exists!

Riku picked up the duffel bag and called the elevator.

Xion: (as Riku) Come inside for dinner, Elevator! This is the last time I'm calling you!

As he closed the gate and descended, he thought of Aqua's offer. He smiled to himself and suppressed a laugh.

Maybe when this is all over, I'll come back.

Roxas: When you do you can ask why she's wearing a sheet.
Mog: You all have to read the author's notes this time.

Hey, this was my first time writing a little more detailed sex. I felt dirty when I wrote that part, and took a shower right afterward.

Xion: That's the problem with the world today. No one listens to their conscience anymore.
Larxene: Yeah, those two sentences of them finishing up sure was filthy.

*sigh* But, I feel that writing very detailed sex for no reason takes away from the story.

Roxas: Detailed rape with no warning whatsoever, on the other hand, TOTALLY adds to the story and doesn't come off as inconsiderate at all!
Zexion: Tact- minus three.

While I was writing this, I also thought about the most awesome and controversal plot point in the whole world.

Zexion: You mean to say you haven't been controversial yet? Because it seems to me that the story's only purpose is to throw in “edgy” scenarios so the writers can say “Look! Look! I wrote adult things so I'm a mature writer!”
Marluxia: Everything up til now was a happy accident. Now the true pain begins.

DeadShut will be hearing from me soon.

We hope you enjoyed this chapter, and you better come back when DeadShut sends me his chapter. Or I'll find you.

All: *summon weapons*
Axel: We'll be waiting.
[to be continued...]
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