Our Sporking Magnum Opus [PART FIVE]
Jun. 30th, 2015 09:56 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
thelectureroomTitle: The Nobody Virus
Author: hajikurazaki19 and DeadShut
Rating:
One for the terrible-and-we-mean-Terrible writing, one for the horribly boring characters, one for the sexism (OMIGAWD THE SEXISM), one for the needless and graphic violence, and one just to let you know that this entire fic is devoid of any entertainment value whatsoever. You have been warned.
Full Name (including any titles): Ryan “Roxas” Hall, Sora O’Reily. (There's a million more, but they're not worth remembering.)
Full Species(es): Scum of the earth.
Hair Color (include adjectives): The quick summary for this part is to say that sometimes hair is same as canon, sometimes it’s something entirely different. There is never any good reason for either.
Eye Color (include adjectives): The most memorable colour is green. Why is it memorable? You’ll see.
Unusual Markings/Colorations/Physical Features: *shrugs*
Special Possessions (if any): Sora has a fancy stick masquerading as the Keyblade in one pocket and seemingly an Idiot Ball in the other, because incompetence like his has to be in tangible form. The story itself also has a weird love/hate relationship with Italy.
Origin: Frank Miller’s Guide to Fanfiction (with a foreword by Alan Moore)
Connections To Canon Characters: Stole their names. And then killed them to hide the evidence.
Special Abilities: Hallucinating others into believing anyone's had character development or changed in any way whatsoever.
Other Annoying Traits: Let’s save you some time and compress the answer down to “Everything not mentioned above.”
I Say/Notes:
Part One
Part Two
Part Three
Part Four
Chapter 8: Organization Ordeals
Roxas: So now we just use that gif and get on with the chapter, right?
Mog: Um...
Roxas: Riiight?
Mog: ...I almost don't want to show you this, kupo.
Also, there are some even MORE disturbing concepts being brought up here, so to those of you who're sensitive and would rather not read about things like, say, a man getting killed from having a scythe rammed up his asshole, feel free to heed this warning and get the Christly fuck out.
Axel: That you warn for?! THAT YOU WARN FOR! Oh, screw this. *stands up, summons chakrams*
Roxas and Xion: NO!
Roxas: If you destroy the projector, that means they've beaten us!
Xion: We have to prove we're stronger than that, Axel!
Axel: *sits back down, chakrams disappear* Fine, but once this is said and done, this entire place is going up in the most glorious flames you've ever seen.
Mog: Now you get the gif, kupo.
Xigbar grinned maliciously as he took aim.
Axel: Badfic authors in sight...
Mog: *paper balls of Hell*
Terra: How are you even doing that? You don't have arms!
He had ten would-be victims, all bunched up together, all staring at him as he readied the tool that he would use to bring them down.
Axel: A gun that shot laser bullets.
He had only one shot, but if he missed, there would be a chance to try again.
Roxas: If only Captain Jack Sparrow had that opportunity.
He had to get some of them down, though, right? He readied his "weapon"…
…The bowling ball made a thunderous noise as it rolled down the lane and hit all of the ten pins in an explosion of polished wood. On the screen above him, Xigbar saw a great, white "X"-stee-rike!
Larxene: Bowling?! Bowling?! That's what we're doing?! Not trying to find out what the aliens gave us?! We're the worst crime group that existed in the history of ever!
Beaming with satisfaction, he turned and gave a mocking look towards Zexion, who stared at the fallen pins with a frustrated grimace and shook his head.
"They call me a genius, y'know," the intellect said slowly. "But I find such wonder in your abilities, Xigbar. How the ruddy hell did you do that?"
Zexion: I'm an intellectual who doesn't understand the concept of tossing a heavy ball down a lane. Ohhh dear.
Mog: *from notes* Xigbar has backstory about bowling that then leads into what a great assassin he is.
He was the best shot anyone had ever seen; why else would Manhattan's most dangerous mobsters kill each other over who got him?
Axel: And with all the mobsters dead, no one gets to kill Xigbar. Good work, men!
Mog: *from notes* More back-story. Xigbar served in the Iraq war but decided to snipe his teammates instead for fun (well, that's not very nice) and he never got caught.
Lexaeus: For an unexplained reason, naturally.
Mog: *more notes* Aaaand he went back to the States and started life as an assassin. It mentions organized crime causing a few scuffles with adversaries, one which was responsible for his missing eye—
Terra: I don't want to be in this story!
Mog: *upset* If you're just gonna interrupt me, I may as well stop summarizing.
Then, Dr. Xehanort came to him, and with the other six "Founding Fathers" (now there was a sort of patriotism Xigbar could stomach), he helped form the Organization. Now he was killing Senators…or, at least, he was supposed to.
Axel: But he decided to hell with interesting stuff, let's go bowling instead! If we're lucky we might see the nine-year-old's birthday party two lanes over!
Zexion: (as Xigbar) We're all hurting, Zeke... except for me. I'm just a man that killed my own comrades for sport.
Saix told him all about Roxas' little episode at The Met Xigbar had been pretty fucking mad,
Zexion: So much so he forgot to put in a full stop.
but when he arrived from the shore to tell the kid off, he was told that Roxas was downstairs training his ass off with two Keyblade-models in the Grey Room. Impressed rather than pissed,
Larxene: Because he has the emotional range of a Tamagotchi like everyone else.
Xigbar asked about the Senator and was told that he would not be killing him anytime soon, which depressed the assassin.
Roxas: So... if Xigbar never misses, why did we need the tracking device again?
Marluxia: We needed a reason for you to go to The Met and punch someone in the face.
Xion: You actually did that?
Roxas: No! It's not me! It's Ryan! He's the crazy one!
So, he came here to vent his frustration by beating Zexion, Axel, and Demyx in a bowling game.
Axel sat on one of the many plastic chairs in the bowling alley, deliberately disobeying the "NO SMOKING" sign by lighting two cigarettes in his mouth.
Larxene: One cigarette isn't enough. He's so badass he needs TWO!
"Why the fuck are we even here?" he asked. "Don't we have, like, work to do or something?"
Everyone: YES! YES, YOU DO!
"You heard what Saix said," piped up Demyx quietly. He was strumming away at his guitar, as usual.
Axel: *tiredly* And I'll buy some brain bleach with Larxene's munny. Enough for everyone.
"He thinks we should be getting out more. 'Specially you, Axel, all you do is play Xbox nowadays."
Axel: (as self) Fine, I'll buy a Wii if it'll make you happy.
Lexaeus: Does anyone else find it odd that characters from Playstation and Nintendo exclusive games are infatuated with Microsoft?
"Yeah, well, not anymore, thanks to Saix's hissy fit the other day. I swear, the dude flipped the fuck out. Poor Roxas probably peed his pants…Zexion, what the fuck do you call this?"
Zexion: Padding.
Zexion had put the ball on the ground and was now pushing it with the heel of his foot.
Larxene: *tosses paper ball on floor and moves it with her heel* (in hammy British accent) I say, is this how you do things in Jolly Old England? You must get a lot of gutterballs, ol’ chap!
If he was an athlete, Axel was president.
Terra: There's a nightmare for all involved.
"I absolutely suck at this game," the British man remarked.
Zexion: Ah, so they haven't forgotten. Jolly good!
Mog: *from notes* More bowling.
As Demyx stood up to bowl, Axel asked Zexion, "When do you think the Virus will be done, Zex-machine?
Zexion: Is it wise to call me dumb names when I have a bowling ball easily at my disposal?
Xion: Axel never gave us nicknames, that was Xigbar's job.
Any news from Vexen?"
Marluxia: No, but I'm sure he's happy because he's not here. Lucky bastard.
"Some," said Zexion, not looking up from his book. "Apparently there have been some complications in the development of making the Virus corporeal.
Zexion: (as self) The fact that we clearly don't understand what viruses are may be a factor. For example, I seem to think they’ll work on dead cells.
It needs to be launched by someone who isn't fully developed, a fetus, so it can use the rapidly-combining cells to fully take over. We just don't know how to do that yet."
Roxas: (as Zexion) So we're procrastinating by playing silly games.
Xion: (as Demyx) I GOT A TURKEY!
"…why don't you ever make eye contact with me? It's annoying."
"Why do you waste my time with asinine bullshit? It's annoying."
Roxas: The fic is hating itself now!
"Because you're so damn cute when you're mad, Anal-Zex."
Terra: What does that even mean?
Larxene: I can think of a few things.
"I really loathe you sometimes."
"Yeah, but the Big Guy loves me.
Zexion: None of us can figure out why. It might be the way you make everyone cringe at their embarrassing nicknames. He finds that entertaining.
Speaking of which, when are we gonna see him again?
Roxas: When are we gonna see him at all?
Shit, where the fuck did he even go?
Marluxia: He's off playing golf.
Did he just run off to some national Jerk-Off Convention and left us to wallow in our own shit and bowl with Xigbar (those two things being pretty much the same)?"
Zexion said casually, "He'll actually be back tomorrow. Saix told me he wants a group dinner with the whole Organization, back at the Labs."
Axel: Yeah, instead of working on that Virus crap, let's have dinner together like one big happy family.
"No," said Axel immediately. "I don't want to go. I wanna try and get laid tomorrow, might even bring Roxas along to help. Little fucker's starting to grow on me."
Roxas: Why bother showing character development on-screen! There's bowling and slurs to take up our time!
Zexion scoffed. "You think you're going to get yourself and Roxas some intercourse? Perhaps you need to be reacquainted with your hand."
"Can't; I'm already acquainted with your mom's."
Axel: Nice to know, several chapters on, I'm still a braying jackass.
Marluxia: That is you.
Axel: Not like this! I was cool before!
"Oh, for fuck's sake…You better not be like this at dinner tomorrow."
"I won't be, 'cause I'll be sitting next to Saix, and he's no fun.
Roxas: He's more fun than real!Saix. Real!Saix wouldn't even let us think the word "Xbox".
I swear, with the rest of you guys, I feel like I'm in Church. Except I'm not being fucked by a priest."
Larxene: *points to self* Dude, leave the black comedy to someone that's actually funny.
Terra: *looking somewhat green* I think I'm gonna be sick.
Xigbar looked at him in mock awe. "Did that actually happen? That would explain quite a lot…"
Xion: Would it explain why Aqua was dressed in a sheet?
"Please shut the fuck up," said Zexion suddenly.
Xigbar said, offended, "The fuck? I was just kidding, Zexion-"
Zexion stood up and said, "I don't give a shit. Two men branded with the Heartless tattoo have just walked in."
Roxas: *perks up* Is the gang mentioned in the opening sentence finally go to show up?
The others turned their heads towards the entrance. The bowling alley was outside of Manhattan in the Jersey area, a bit of a ride from the Lincoln Tunnel, so the building was not a tower, just a regular-sized building.
Marluxia: Thank you for that useless information. I've already forgotten it.
The glass doors that led into this place were being blocked by two burly men wearing all-black.
Xion: They're stuck in the doorway because they both tried to walk through at the same time.
Sure enough, on their necks, were small black hearts with red "X"'s going through them.
Roxas: FINALLY! FINALLY! THE HEARTLESS HAVE SHOWN UP!
Axel: This deserves a round of applause!
Everyone: *clap clap clap clap clap*
Larxene: *unimpressed* That only took two million words.
In their black jeans were the holsters of pistols, but no other civilians in the alley seemed to take notice…
Roxas: They're all tourists, taking pictures every 42.6 seconds.
that is, until they took the weapons out and shot them into the ceiling.
Terra: (as Heartless) This is a cliché! Get down on the ground! Put your hands in the air! Don't move!
Panic. People were jumping out of their seats, looking wide-eyed at the two attackers as they grabbed a nearby couple and put the guns to their heads.
"Alright, listen up!" said one of the Heartless in his loud, booming voice that was as deep and roaring as the bowling balls that had just been rolling down the lanes.
Xion: Their voices are crashing into pins?
"We're looking for a Lea! Reveal yourself, Lea, or these two lovebirds die, along with the rest of the people in here!"
Axel: (as Heartless) That way we definitely won't find out who you are! *beat* Wait.
The Organization members turned to their red-haired smartass, whose mouth was open in surprise.
Roxas: It's almost like giving out your real name to strangers was a bad idea or something.
Axel: *insulted* What was so hard with a fake name? “Hi, my name is Joe and I work in a button factory.” There! Fake name, fake occupation. What was so hard about that?
Not shock; it was impossible for someone so apathetic about the world to be genuinely shocked about anything.
Axel: Almost as if I didn't have emotions OH WAIT!
Terra: *thinks* So, you guys can't feel any strong emotions at all?
Roxas: Not a one.
Terra: Then how are you so angry?
Everyone else: *speechless*
Zexion: *looks at book* (beat) *begrudgingly makes a note*
"What did you do?" hissed Zexion.
Axel: (as self) Turned to terrorism for a shallow reason, I'm sure, treated my best friend like crap, and made a joke about child molestation! The nine circles of Hell aren't enough of a punishment for me now.
Mog: *from notes* Axel/Lea talks to the Heartless.
"Come with us," spoke the Heartless man who had announced the cause of their arrival.
Terra: (as Heartless) Come with me if you want to live.
"We've heard that you're working for a certain 'Senator Mouse', and that you went to Club Heartless last night to kill the Heartless leader.
Roxas: (as Heartless) We read the script!
Now, he wants a word with you. You're a-comin' with us."
"Wh-? Are you serious?" asked Axel angrily, more to himself than to the Heartless. Someone must've heard him in the back of Club Heartless, talking to Sora…but who? Who?
Roxas: It was Sora himself!
Xion: He had been pretending to be stupid this entire time and trapped you!
Lexaeus: Why do you continue with your optimism?
Didn't matter; it was his own stupidity that brought this mess upon him.
"Dead serious," said the other man solemnly. "We have a van out front. You're gonna get in it, and I'mma drive you back to the city while my associate here deals with your friends."
Roxas: Fic, I'm real happy for you, and Imma let you finish, but Baccano! had the best NYC story OF ALL TIME!
Xion: OF ALL TIME!
"Ah, what a laugh," spoke Zexion, who had just come into the conversation out of nowhere. Axel figured he must've crept up as silently as a shadow.
"Who the fuck are you?" asked the second man impatiently,
Zexion: (as self) I am the fist of British rage.
turning the gun on the intellect, slight fear clouding his eyes. Axel understood the effect Zexion must've had on strangers.
Axel: That hair would strike fear into the hardest of mofos!
Zexion frequently wore black, but that wasn't what made him intimidating; what made the intellectual scary was his facial features, from the narrow, peaked chin, to the blue-gray eyes that showed no emotion but almost all of the logic one could ever ask for.
Marluxia: Yes, all the logic you could ask for. Too bad it's denied you.
Those eyes were pools of knowledge,
Roxas: Are we going swimming in them later?
and when they stared at you, all you could feel was the sickening sensation of being a small, useless mind that contributes nothing to the world.
Terra: OK, that was a nice try on character personality— Actually I tell a lie, it wasn't nice to read, in fact it was downright self-important and dull, BUT! Even succinctness could not help explain how this hardened gangster saw all that in the time it took Zexion to say four words.
"Who am I?
Xion: (as Zexion) Who am I? Who am I? I am the guardian of lost souls! I am the powerful, the pleasurable, the indestructible Mushu!
I am the most deplorable and corporeal nightmare you will ever experience in your entire life.
Zexion: (as self) I will kill you with verbosity and it shall be slow and painful.
You are going to drop the weapons right now, for you do not deserve to use them.
Larxene: That's what he would have said, but after “are” they shot him six times.
Axel: And pulled his hair once.
Do you honestly believe you and your diminutive gang are an actual menace?
Roxas: (as Zexion) You haven't done anything this entire fic, after all.
You're a fad that will soon be crushed underneath our feet like the insects you truly are.
Terra: (as Zexion) Like Pogs and pet rocks.
Internet pirates, bah!
Xion: Ridiculous emphasis! BAH!
You're a clusterfuck of simpletons. Be gone."
Roxas: And once again your big speech about how you're so much better than everyone else is completely derailed by a curse word.
Larxene: *in most annoying voice she can muster* “Be gone?” Who are you, Harry Potter, heh heh heh. *throws knife at screen*
Like the "Guido" at the boardwalk, the Heartless members were lost for words at the blatant disdain that lined this man's words. For a moment, they did lower their guns,
Axel: They're sort of stupid that way.
which gave Xigbar time to strike.
Roxas: Bad Pun, I choose you!
A bowling ball soared through the air and crashed into the first man's face, dead center. The Heartless crumpled to the floor, face a bloody mess. The other man raised his pistol and shot Xigbar in the torso; the assassin fell backwards onto the polished wood of the bowling lane.
Xion: Sliding all the way down to the end. Even when injured he never misses!
"Sonofabitch," said Axel furiously.
Axel: It's just a crummy commercial! Again!
He rolled back his sleeves, deciding it was time for the Heartless to meet his little creation. Attached to each forearm with leather straps was a narrow tube made of metal. In front of this narrow tube, taped to his wrists, were lighters. Using his middle fingers, he lit both lighters and jerked his arms forward, sending the methane gas within the narrow tubes through the flames.
Lexaeus: I'd think someone that's made themselves into a walking explosive would pay more heed to “No Smoking” signs.
The homemade flamethrowers were sufficient, throwing a streak of fire at the face of the second man.
Terra: And it was going rather well for him until a young man with a sword tattoo on his face headbutted him.
Flesh burning, this man crumpled to the floor beside his "associate".
Larxene: By “associate” they mean “lovers.”
Zexion ran over to help Xigbar up, who was revealing to his friends with a grin that he had been wearing a bulletproof vest.
Xion: Cool, he had an Auto-Life.
"Haven't taken this off in years," he informed Axel as they all ran out of the bowling alley.
"Meaning you never shower?"
Marluxia: (as Xigbar) It's amazing I don't have fungi growing out of me by now.
Mog: *from notes* They run outside to Xigbar's car which has a bunch of weapons in the trunk.
"Today's your lucky day," Zexion said, eyes darting around the trunk, searching for something he would find plausible.
Roxas: Aliens! Freaking aliens! Plausibility has long since jumped out the window and taken off running to save itself!
He gave up a second later. "We need to blow this place down. The last thing we need is to be investigated for possible collaboration with the Heartless. Now, what do you suggest-?"
"Ohhhh, I just came," said Axel as he picked up a Swedish AT4 rocket-launcher and strapped it over his shoulder.
Axel: Yes, the world is a dark and cruel place. This is how the real world works, folks: Rocket launchers are just sitting in the backs of everyone's cars.
He looked at Zexion. "Start the car. The rest of you, get in, but leave a door open for me."
Xion: *starts giggling*
Lexaeus: What do you find so funny?
Xion: I'm picturing a car driving down the highway with one door open and a porcupine-haired redhead running pell-mell after it. *keeps giggling*
They obeyed; once the area was clear, Axel fired;
Zexion: He missed the bowling alley and destroyed the rules of semi-colon usage instead.
the rocket soared through the air and crashed into the bowling alley with a satisfactory explosion of hot crimson.
Axel: Then I walked away calmly with my back to the explosion like the badass I am.
Marveling at his handiwork, Axel removed the weapon from his shoulder, and ran out of the parking lot and onto the highway, where his comrades awaited with the door open.
Xion: Look, now everyone on the highway is seeing the same thing as me!
The fire killed everyone inside, and not a soul was left to testify against them.
Roxas: Cuz someone turning them in would create conflict and we can't have that.
Xion: Um... There... wasn't actually a nine-year-old's birthday party going on. Just... just to clarify.
The four men stopped at a Dunkin' Donuts
Axel: And now we all swear off Dunkin' Donuts for life.
and got some breakfast and coffee, sitting in an isolated booth in the corner of the area, harshly discussing about what had just occurred previously. Zexion found it troublesome that the Heartless were interfering with the Organization.
"We could have a full-fledged war on our hands soon enough," he claimed. "Which is bad.
Roxas: No, it's good! That means stuff would be happening!
We don't need those imbeciles running around and fucking up our missions…or our days off, for that matter.
Lexaeus: *the closest he will ever come to being annoyed* Every day has been your day off so far.
Mog: *from notes* Axel explains about meeting Sora and that someone probably heard them.
But who? He thought bitterly. Who?
Xion: Sora! Being smart!
Who had heard? Adam McLean had heard, oh yes, he had heard everything. He tracked down that sonofabitch redhead Ryan was with, damn right he did, and he did it even better than anyone else could, too.
Lexaeus: Considering no one else is trying, it's not that hard to be the best.
It was so easy finding Ryan's butt-buddy, 'cause the guy stuck out like a sore thumb with that stupid dyed hair.
Axel: You'd think the terrorists would prevent stuff like that from happening.
Adam was walking towards the Ion home
Xion: My last name's Ion? What am I, a Fon Master?
Zexion: You are a replica. It fits.
once he had gotten back to the city, but as soon as he had spotted his adversary, he stalked him for the rest of the day, waiting for the perfect opportunity to introduce his fiery skull to a nice, shiny bullet.
Larxene: Dude, get help! Seriously! And when I'm saying you're a trigger-happy weirdo, that means something!
Adam McLean followed the weirdo all the way to Club Heartless, but couldn't get in since he was, after all, still a minor.
Zexion: The bouncer was occupied with him, allowing Sora and Kairi to sneak through.
Extremely pissed, McLean had sat in the alleyway
Marluxia: Because the plot told him to.
beside the club until the guy came out and met up with some kid and some girl (with one helluva nice rack, McLean took note)
Roxas and Xion: *bang their heads together for nothing better to do*
and heard them discuss killing the Heartless leader.
Terra: What? When did this happen?
Zexion: All the important events are being cut for more swearing and misogyny.
What did McLean do with this information? Why, he did what he always did best: acted on his genius.
Roxas: This is starting to sound like a Calvin and Hobbes strip gone horribly, horribly wrong.
He scheduled a meeting with some Heartless workers this morning,
Marluxia: Let's skip over how he fell into their good graces.
told them of the redhead's attempt ("Lea" he had called himself). Men were sent everywhere, and McLean was thanked by the head of the Heartless himself! Ha! He truly was a genius, wasn't he?
Axel: Good God in Heaven, there are just so very many ways for me to say this to you.
Roxas: Never.
Xion: Not in a million years.
Zexion: Absolutely not.
Terra: No way, José.
Lexaeus: No chance, Lance.
Marluxia: Neit.
Larxene: Negatory.
Roxas: Mm-umm.
Xion: Nah ah!
Axel: UH UH!
Lexaeus: *silent*
Roxas: Uh, Lex? It’s your line.
Lexaeus: I will save this for later. Trust me, I know what I’m doing.
Now, at 10 o'clock in the morning, Adam McLean was lounging in the kitchen of the apartment that belonged to the Ions.
Roxas: The girl from the earlier phone conversation had gotten the memo and left before she could intervene with the plot.
Zexion: That was Lily's mother.
Roxas: But isn't she in Germany too?
Zexion: No, the mother stayed behind. This was after you uncovered your eyes and were trying to catch up.
Roxas: WHY ARE WE ARGUING THIS? THIS IS DUMB! EVERYTHING IS DUMB!
His revolver was in his hand, fully-loaded with six bullets. At first, back in D.C., the weapon had felt heavy; now it was as light as a feather. In fact, it felt almost like it was apart of McLean.
Marluxia: It's rather ironic that this story cannot break apart the words a part.
He enjoyed this, much like he enjoyed this entire mission of his.
Xion: Sorry to say, you have to fight a Dustflier before you can fill the gauge the entire way.
Many times, on his bus ride here, he had thought about why he was doing this.
Terra: You're a puppet being yanked by your strings.
Then, he realized the answer was so simple that any idiot could figure it out:
Axel: It's badfic, who cares!
because he was the best, and because he could. Who would stop him? Hall? Yeah, right. McLean would like to see him try.
Roxas: *Oathkeeper and Oblivion* I'll take you up on that offer.
Xion: If I’m here, shouldn’t you only have one of those?
Roxas: *Keyblades disappear to wherever it is Keyblades go* Let’s just focus on the fic’s plot holes and question our own later.
He was the best of the best, but Ryan seemed to not get the hint when Adam had kicked his ass in that essay contest.
He would get the hint now. Oh, yes, he would.
Terra: Couldn't you leave an elaborate series of riddles hidden throughout the city that he has to solve in order to get to the final clue? Couldn't you just tedium him to death instead of this weird revenge rape fantasy the fic's having too much enjoyment indulging in?
He heard voices approaching the room, and the crack underneath the front door now had thin shadows under it. McLean sat up in the chair, smile spreading easily on his face. He aimed the revolver at the door and kept silent, listening to the conversation on the other end.
"…and so they served me an apple strudel next, and that was pretty good," spoke the young Ion bitch.
Xion: Cool, my pregnant dog can talk!
Axel: Xion—
Xion: I know. Don't worry about me, Axel. *thumps chest* I'm tough.
"And I told them I liked it so they showed me how to make it."
"Nice!" said an older woman. This was the voice, McLean remembered, of Mrs. Ion.
Zexion: Told you so.
Roxas: Oh yeah? Well, if you're so smart, tell me how he's in this apartment in the first place!
Zexion: *silent*
"Maybe you can show us how to make it," said a man; Ion's father. The man was closest, inserting a key into the door. It clicked as it unlocked, and the doorknob turned slowly. McLean rushed over and put his back against the wall on the side of the door;
Terra: To earn some stealth points.
Mr. Ion walked in without noticing. Then came Mrs. Ion, carrying her daughter's suitcases. Then in came Lily.
Lily Ion was beautiful, as Ryan Hall would say; to Adam McLean, she was "hot".
Xion: Dad had the heater turned up really high in the car.
He wasn't remotely interested in anything but her appearance and the thoughts of what he could do to her sexually. Most people are like this to the opposite sex, but to an extent. If McLean was best at everything, that included perversion.
Roxas: He was also the best at causing all of us to feel bile rise in our throats.
Mog: *from notes* The parents get shot, we skip that.
The Ions were the only ones on this floor, and one of the last ones in this building; the apartment building was being sold to a company, and most of the residents were gone.
Xion: They got your memo, Roxas.
Fate had, yet again, extended its brutal hand to help McLean in his mission.
Axel: If by Fate you mean someone sitting down and realizing “Oh shit, most people react to bullet sounds! Uhhhhh, everyone else is gone because the building's being sold, there!”
Terra: But then why are they still—
Axel: “Don't question my logic, pesky happy people!”
Mog: *from notes* Okay, so we're skipping over the rest of the scene where Adam ties Lily to a chair. We don't talk about the actual act, but I'm pretty sure that's because w͞e͢'̸v҉e alre̷a͝dy͝ ̶re̵a͜d ̴ìt͠
Roxas: *leans back* Whoa, did Mog just get bitter?
Xion: Aww, c'mere you little fluffball! We won't let this corrupt you too!
(Xion and Mog huggle for a bit)
Mog: Aww, thanks, kupo. For that, you get an early break!
[to be continued...]
Author: hajikurazaki19 and DeadShut
Rating:
One for the terrible-and-we-mean-Terrible writing, one for the horribly boring characters, one for the sexism (OMIGAWD THE SEXISM), one for the needless and graphic violence, and one just to let you know that this entire fic is devoid of any entertainment value whatsoever. You have been warned.Full Name (including any titles): Ryan “Roxas” Hall, Sora O’Reily. (There's a million more, but they're not worth remembering.)
Full Species(es): Scum of the earth.
Hair Color (include adjectives): The quick summary for this part is to say that sometimes hair is same as canon, sometimes it’s something entirely different. There is never any good reason for either.
Eye Color (include adjectives): The most memorable colour is green. Why is it memorable? You’ll see.
Unusual Markings/Colorations/Physical Features: *shrugs*
Special Possessions (if any): Sora has a fancy stick masquerading as the Keyblade in one pocket and seemingly an Idiot Ball in the other, because incompetence like his has to be in tangible form. The story itself also has a weird love/hate relationship with Italy.
Origin: Frank Miller’s Guide to Fanfiction (with a foreword by Alan Moore)
Connections To Canon Characters: Stole their names. And then killed them to hide the evidence.
Special Abilities: Hallucinating others into believing anyone's had character development or changed in any way whatsoever.
Other Annoying Traits: Let’s save you some time and compress the answer down to “Everything not mentioned above.”
I Say/Notes:
Part One
Part Two
Part Three
Part Four
Chapter 8: Organization Ordeals
Roxas: So now we just use that gif and get on with the chapter, right?
Mog: Um...
Roxas: Riiight?
Mog: ...I almost don't want to show you this, kupo.
Also, there are some even MORE disturbing concepts being brought up here, so to those of you who're sensitive and would rather not read about things like, say, a man getting killed from having a scythe rammed up his asshole, feel free to heed this warning and get the Christly fuck out.
Axel: That you warn for?! THAT YOU WARN FOR! Oh, screw this. *stands up, summons chakrams*
Roxas and Xion: NO!
Roxas: If you destroy the projector, that means they've beaten us!
Xion: We have to prove we're stronger than that, Axel!
Axel: *sits back down, chakrams disappear* Fine, but once this is said and done, this entire place is going up in the most glorious flames you've ever seen.
Mog: Now you get the gif, kupo.
Xigbar grinned maliciously as he took aim.
Axel: Badfic authors in sight...
Mog: *paper balls of Hell*
Terra: How are you even doing that? You don't have arms!
He had ten would-be victims, all bunched up together, all staring at him as he readied the tool that he would use to bring them down.
Axel: A gun that shot laser bullets.
He had only one shot, but if he missed, there would be a chance to try again.
Roxas: If only Captain Jack Sparrow had that opportunity.
He had to get some of them down, though, right? He readied his "weapon"…
…The bowling ball made a thunderous noise as it rolled down the lane and hit all of the ten pins in an explosion of polished wood. On the screen above him, Xigbar saw a great, white "X"-stee-rike!
Larxene: Bowling?! Bowling?! That's what we're doing?! Not trying to find out what the aliens gave us?! We're the worst crime group that existed in the history of ever!
Beaming with satisfaction, he turned and gave a mocking look towards Zexion, who stared at the fallen pins with a frustrated grimace and shook his head.
"They call me a genius, y'know," the intellect said slowly. "But I find such wonder in your abilities, Xigbar. How the ruddy hell did you do that?"
Zexion: I'm an intellectual who doesn't understand the concept of tossing a heavy ball down a lane. Ohhh dear.
Mog: *from notes* Xigbar has backstory about bowling that then leads into what a great assassin he is.
He was the best shot anyone had ever seen; why else would Manhattan's most dangerous mobsters kill each other over who got him?
Axel: And with all the mobsters dead, no one gets to kill Xigbar. Good work, men!
Mog: *from notes* More back-story. Xigbar served in the Iraq war but decided to snipe his teammates instead for fun (well, that's not very nice) and he never got caught.
Lexaeus: For an unexplained reason, naturally.
Mog: *more notes* Aaaand he went back to the States and started life as an assassin. It mentions organized crime causing a few scuffles with adversaries, one which was responsible for his missing eye—
Terra: I don't want to be in this story!
Mog: *upset* If you're just gonna interrupt me, I may as well stop summarizing.
Then, Dr. Xehanort came to him, and with the other six "Founding Fathers" (now there was a sort of patriotism Xigbar could stomach), he helped form the Organization. Now he was killing Senators…or, at least, he was supposed to.
Axel: But he decided to hell with interesting stuff, let's go bowling instead! If we're lucky we might see the nine-year-old's birthday party two lanes over!
Zexion: (as Xigbar) We're all hurting, Zeke... except for me. I'm just a man that killed my own comrades for sport.
Saix told him all about Roxas' little episode at The Met Xigbar had been pretty fucking mad,
Zexion: So much so he forgot to put in a full stop.
but when he arrived from the shore to tell the kid off, he was told that Roxas was downstairs training his ass off with two Keyblade-models in the Grey Room. Impressed rather than pissed,
Larxene: Because he has the emotional range of a Tamagotchi like everyone else.
Xigbar asked about the Senator and was told that he would not be killing him anytime soon, which depressed the assassin.
Roxas: So... if Xigbar never misses, why did we need the tracking device again?
Marluxia: We needed a reason for you to go to The Met and punch someone in the face.
Xion: You actually did that?
Roxas: No! It's not me! It's Ryan! He's the crazy one!
So, he came here to vent his frustration by beating Zexion, Axel, and Demyx in a bowling game.
Axel sat on one of the many plastic chairs in the bowling alley, deliberately disobeying the "NO SMOKING" sign by lighting two cigarettes in his mouth.
Larxene: One cigarette isn't enough. He's so badass he needs TWO!
"Why the fuck are we even here?" he asked. "Don't we have, like, work to do or something?"
Everyone: YES! YES, YOU DO!
"You heard what Saix said," piped up Demyx quietly. He was strumming away at his guitar, as usual.
Axel: *tiredly* And I'll buy some brain bleach with Larxene's munny. Enough for everyone.
"He thinks we should be getting out more. 'Specially you, Axel, all you do is play Xbox nowadays."
Axel: (as self) Fine, I'll buy a Wii if it'll make you happy.
Lexaeus: Does anyone else find it odd that characters from Playstation and Nintendo exclusive games are infatuated with Microsoft?
"Yeah, well, not anymore, thanks to Saix's hissy fit the other day. I swear, the dude flipped the fuck out. Poor Roxas probably peed his pants…Zexion, what the fuck do you call this?"
Zexion: Padding.
Zexion had put the ball on the ground and was now pushing it with the heel of his foot.
Larxene: *tosses paper ball on floor and moves it with her heel* (in hammy British accent) I say, is this how you do things in Jolly Old England? You must get a lot of gutterballs, ol’ chap!
If he was an athlete, Axel was president.
Terra: There's a nightmare for all involved.
"I absolutely suck at this game," the British man remarked.
Zexion: Ah, so they haven't forgotten. Jolly good!
Mog: *from notes* More bowling.
As Demyx stood up to bowl, Axel asked Zexion, "When do you think the Virus will be done, Zex-machine?
Zexion: Is it wise to call me dumb names when I have a bowling ball easily at my disposal?
Xion: Axel never gave us nicknames, that was Xigbar's job.
Any news from Vexen?"
Marluxia: No, but I'm sure he's happy because he's not here. Lucky bastard.
"Some," said Zexion, not looking up from his book. "Apparently there have been some complications in the development of making the Virus corporeal.
Zexion: (as self) The fact that we clearly don't understand what viruses are may be a factor. For example, I seem to think they’ll work on dead cells.
It needs to be launched by someone who isn't fully developed, a fetus, so it can use the rapidly-combining cells to fully take over. We just don't know how to do that yet."
Roxas: (as Zexion) So we're procrastinating by playing silly games.
Xion: (as Demyx) I GOT A TURKEY!
"…why don't you ever make eye contact with me? It's annoying."
"Why do you waste my time with asinine bullshit? It's annoying."
Roxas: The fic is hating itself now!
"Because you're so damn cute when you're mad, Anal-Zex."
Terra: What does that even mean?
Larxene: I can think of a few things.
"I really loathe you sometimes."
"Yeah, but the Big Guy loves me.
Zexion: None of us can figure out why. It might be the way you make everyone cringe at their embarrassing nicknames. He finds that entertaining.
Speaking of which, when are we gonna see him again?
Roxas: When are we gonna see him at all?
Shit, where the fuck did he even go?
Marluxia: He's off playing golf.
Did he just run off to some national Jerk-Off Convention and left us to wallow in our own shit and bowl with Xigbar (those two things being pretty much the same)?"
Zexion said casually, "He'll actually be back tomorrow. Saix told me he wants a group dinner with the whole Organization, back at the Labs."
Axel: Yeah, instead of working on that Virus crap, let's have dinner together like one big happy family.
"No," said Axel immediately. "I don't want to go. I wanna try and get laid tomorrow, might even bring Roxas along to help. Little fucker's starting to grow on me."
Roxas: Why bother showing character development on-screen! There's bowling and slurs to take up our time!
Zexion scoffed. "You think you're going to get yourself and Roxas some intercourse? Perhaps you need to be reacquainted with your hand."
"Can't; I'm already acquainted with your mom's."
Axel: Nice to know, several chapters on, I'm still a braying jackass.
Marluxia: That is you.
Axel: Not like this! I was cool before!
"Oh, for fuck's sake…You better not be like this at dinner tomorrow."
"I won't be, 'cause I'll be sitting next to Saix, and he's no fun.
Roxas: He's more fun than real!Saix. Real!Saix wouldn't even let us think the word "Xbox".
I swear, with the rest of you guys, I feel like I'm in Church. Except I'm not being fucked by a priest."
Larxene: *points to self* Dude, leave the black comedy to someone that's actually funny.
Terra: *looking somewhat green* I think I'm gonna be sick.
Xigbar looked at him in mock awe. "Did that actually happen? That would explain quite a lot…"
Xion: Would it explain why Aqua was dressed in a sheet?
"Please shut the fuck up," said Zexion suddenly.
Xigbar said, offended, "The fuck? I was just kidding, Zexion-"
Zexion stood up and said, "I don't give a shit. Two men branded with the Heartless tattoo have just walked in."
Roxas: *perks up* Is the gang mentioned in the opening sentence finally go to show up?
The others turned their heads towards the entrance. The bowling alley was outside of Manhattan in the Jersey area, a bit of a ride from the Lincoln Tunnel, so the building was not a tower, just a regular-sized building.
Marluxia: Thank you for that useless information. I've already forgotten it.
The glass doors that led into this place were being blocked by two burly men wearing all-black.
Xion: They're stuck in the doorway because they both tried to walk through at the same time.
Sure enough, on their necks, were small black hearts with red "X"'s going through them.
Roxas: FINALLY! FINALLY! THE HEARTLESS HAVE SHOWN UP!
Axel: This deserves a round of applause!
Everyone: *clap clap clap clap clap*
Larxene: *unimpressed* That only took two million words.
In their black jeans were the holsters of pistols, but no other civilians in the alley seemed to take notice…
Roxas: They're all tourists, taking pictures every 42.6 seconds.
that is, until they took the weapons out and shot them into the ceiling.
Terra: (as Heartless) This is a cliché! Get down on the ground! Put your hands in the air! Don't move!
Panic. People were jumping out of their seats, looking wide-eyed at the two attackers as they grabbed a nearby couple and put the guns to their heads.
"Alright, listen up!" said one of the Heartless in his loud, booming voice that was as deep and roaring as the bowling balls that had just been rolling down the lanes.
Xion: Their voices are crashing into pins?
"We're looking for a Lea! Reveal yourself, Lea, or these two lovebirds die, along with the rest of the people in here!"
Axel: (as Heartless) That way we definitely won't find out who you are! *beat* Wait.
The Organization members turned to their red-haired smartass, whose mouth was open in surprise.
Roxas: It's almost like giving out your real name to strangers was a bad idea or something.
Axel: *insulted* What was so hard with a fake name? “Hi, my name is Joe and I work in a button factory.” There! Fake name, fake occupation. What was so hard about that?
Not shock; it was impossible for someone so apathetic about the world to be genuinely shocked about anything.
Axel: Almost as if I didn't have emotions OH WAIT!
Terra: *thinks* So, you guys can't feel any strong emotions at all?
Roxas: Not a one.
Terra: Then how are you so angry?
Everyone else: *speechless*
Zexion: *looks at book* (beat) *begrudgingly makes a note*
"What did you do?" hissed Zexion.
Axel: (as self) Turned to terrorism for a shallow reason, I'm sure, treated my best friend like crap, and made a joke about child molestation! The nine circles of Hell aren't enough of a punishment for me now.
Mog: *from notes* Axel/Lea talks to the Heartless.
"Come with us," spoke the Heartless man who had announced the cause of their arrival.
Terra: (as Heartless) Come with me if you want to live.
"We've heard that you're working for a certain 'Senator Mouse', and that you went to Club Heartless last night to kill the Heartless leader.
Roxas: (as Heartless) We read the script!
Now, he wants a word with you. You're a-comin' with us."
"Wh-? Are you serious?" asked Axel angrily, more to himself than to the Heartless. Someone must've heard him in the back of Club Heartless, talking to Sora…but who? Who?
Roxas: It was Sora himself!
Xion: He had been pretending to be stupid this entire time and trapped you!
Lexaeus: Why do you continue with your optimism?
Didn't matter; it was his own stupidity that brought this mess upon him.
"Dead serious," said the other man solemnly. "We have a van out front. You're gonna get in it, and I'mma drive you back to the city while my associate here deals with your friends."
Roxas: Fic, I'm real happy for you, and Imma let you finish, but Baccano! had the best NYC story OF ALL TIME!
Xion: OF ALL TIME!
"Ah, what a laugh," spoke Zexion, who had just come into the conversation out of nowhere. Axel figured he must've crept up as silently as a shadow.
"Who the fuck are you?" asked the second man impatiently,
Zexion: (as self) I am the fist of British rage.
turning the gun on the intellect, slight fear clouding his eyes. Axel understood the effect Zexion must've had on strangers.
Axel: That hair would strike fear into the hardest of mofos!
Zexion frequently wore black, but that wasn't what made him intimidating; what made the intellectual scary was his facial features, from the narrow, peaked chin, to the blue-gray eyes that showed no emotion but almost all of the logic one could ever ask for.
Marluxia: Yes, all the logic you could ask for. Too bad it's denied you.
Those eyes were pools of knowledge,
Roxas: Are we going swimming in them later?
and when they stared at you, all you could feel was the sickening sensation of being a small, useless mind that contributes nothing to the world.
Terra: OK, that was a nice try on character personality— Actually I tell a lie, it wasn't nice to read, in fact it was downright self-important and dull, BUT! Even succinctness could not help explain how this hardened gangster saw all that in the time it took Zexion to say four words.
"Who am I?
Xion: (as Zexion) Who am I? Who am I? I am the guardian of lost souls! I am the powerful, the pleasurable, the indestructible Mushu!
I am the most deplorable and corporeal nightmare you will ever experience in your entire life.
Zexion: (as self) I will kill you with verbosity and it shall be slow and painful.
You are going to drop the weapons right now, for you do not deserve to use them.
Larxene: That's what he would have said, but after “are” they shot him six times.
Axel: And pulled his hair once.
Do you honestly believe you and your diminutive gang are an actual menace?
Roxas: (as Zexion) You haven't done anything this entire fic, after all.
You're a fad that will soon be crushed underneath our feet like the insects you truly are.
Terra: (as Zexion) Like Pogs and pet rocks.
Internet pirates, bah!
Xion: Ridiculous emphasis! BAH!
You're a clusterfuck of simpletons. Be gone."
Roxas: And once again your big speech about how you're so much better than everyone else is completely derailed by a curse word.
Larxene: *in most annoying voice she can muster* “Be gone?” Who are you, Harry Potter, heh heh heh. *throws knife at screen*
Like the "Guido" at the boardwalk, the Heartless members were lost for words at the blatant disdain that lined this man's words. For a moment, they did lower their guns,
Axel: They're sort of stupid that way.
which gave Xigbar time to strike.
Roxas: Bad Pun, I choose you!
A bowling ball soared through the air and crashed into the first man's face, dead center. The Heartless crumpled to the floor, face a bloody mess. The other man raised his pistol and shot Xigbar in the torso; the assassin fell backwards onto the polished wood of the bowling lane.
Xion: Sliding all the way down to the end. Even when injured he never misses!
"Sonofabitch," said Axel furiously.
Axel: It's just a crummy commercial! Again!
He rolled back his sleeves, deciding it was time for the Heartless to meet his little creation. Attached to each forearm with leather straps was a narrow tube made of metal. In front of this narrow tube, taped to his wrists, were lighters. Using his middle fingers, he lit both lighters and jerked his arms forward, sending the methane gas within the narrow tubes through the flames.
Lexaeus: I'd think someone that's made themselves into a walking explosive would pay more heed to “No Smoking” signs.
The homemade flamethrowers were sufficient, throwing a streak of fire at the face of the second man.
Terra: And it was going rather well for him until a young man with a sword tattoo on his face headbutted him.
Flesh burning, this man crumpled to the floor beside his "associate".
Larxene: By “associate” they mean “lovers.”
Zexion ran over to help Xigbar up, who was revealing to his friends with a grin that he had been wearing a bulletproof vest.
Xion: Cool, he had an Auto-Life.
"Haven't taken this off in years," he informed Axel as they all ran out of the bowling alley.
"Meaning you never shower?"
Marluxia: (as Xigbar) It's amazing I don't have fungi growing out of me by now.
Mog: *from notes* They run outside to Xigbar's car which has a bunch of weapons in the trunk.
"Today's your lucky day," Zexion said, eyes darting around the trunk, searching for something he would find plausible.
Roxas: Aliens! Freaking aliens! Plausibility has long since jumped out the window and taken off running to save itself!
He gave up a second later. "We need to blow this place down. The last thing we need is to be investigated for possible collaboration with the Heartless. Now, what do you suggest-?"
"Ohhhh, I just came," said Axel as he picked up a Swedish AT4 rocket-launcher and strapped it over his shoulder.
Axel: Yes, the world is a dark and cruel place. This is how the real world works, folks: Rocket launchers are just sitting in the backs of everyone's cars.
He looked at Zexion. "Start the car. The rest of you, get in, but leave a door open for me."
Xion: *starts giggling*
Lexaeus: What do you find so funny?
Xion: I'm picturing a car driving down the highway with one door open and a porcupine-haired redhead running pell-mell after it. *keeps giggling*
They obeyed; once the area was clear, Axel fired;
Zexion: He missed the bowling alley and destroyed the rules of semi-colon usage instead.
the rocket soared through the air and crashed into the bowling alley with a satisfactory explosion of hot crimson.
Axel: Then I walked away calmly with my back to the explosion like the badass I am.
Marveling at his handiwork, Axel removed the weapon from his shoulder, and ran out of the parking lot and onto the highway, where his comrades awaited with the door open.
Xion: Look, now everyone on the highway is seeing the same thing as me!
The fire killed everyone inside, and not a soul was left to testify against them.
Roxas: Cuz someone turning them in would create conflict and we can't have that.
Xion: Um... There... wasn't actually a nine-year-old's birthday party going on. Just... just to clarify.
The four men stopped at a Dunkin' Donuts
Axel: And now we all swear off Dunkin' Donuts for life.
and got some breakfast and coffee, sitting in an isolated booth in the corner of the area, harshly discussing about what had just occurred previously. Zexion found it troublesome that the Heartless were interfering with the Organization.
"We could have a full-fledged war on our hands soon enough," he claimed. "Which is bad.
Roxas: No, it's good! That means stuff would be happening!
We don't need those imbeciles running around and fucking up our missions…or our days off, for that matter.
Lexaeus: *the closest he will ever come to being annoyed* Every day has been your day off so far.
Mog: *from notes* Axel explains about meeting Sora and that someone probably heard them.
But who? He thought bitterly. Who?
Xion: Sora! Being smart!
Who had heard? Adam McLean had heard, oh yes, he had heard everything. He tracked down that sonofabitch redhead Ryan was with, damn right he did, and he did it even better than anyone else could, too.
Lexaeus: Considering no one else is trying, it's not that hard to be the best.
It was so easy finding Ryan's butt-buddy, 'cause the guy stuck out like a sore thumb with that stupid dyed hair.
Axel: You'd think the terrorists would prevent stuff like that from happening.
Adam was walking towards the Ion home
Xion: My last name's Ion? What am I, a Fon Master?
Zexion: You are a replica. It fits.
once he had gotten back to the city, but as soon as he had spotted his adversary, he stalked him for the rest of the day, waiting for the perfect opportunity to introduce his fiery skull to a nice, shiny bullet.
Larxene: Dude, get help! Seriously! And when I'm saying you're a trigger-happy weirdo, that means something!
Adam McLean followed the weirdo all the way to Club Heartless, but couldn't get in since he was, after all, still a minor.
Zexion: The bouncer was occupied with him, allowing Sora and Kairi to sneak through.
Extremely pissed, McLean had sat in the alleyway
Marluxia: Because the plot told him to.
beside the club until the guy came out and met up with some kid and some girl (with one helluva nice rack, McLean took note)
Roxas and Xion: *bang their heads together for nothing better to do*
and heard them discuss killing the Heartless leader.
Terra: What? When did this happen?
Zexion: All the important events are being cut for more swearing and misogyny.
What did McLean do with this information? Why, he did what he always did best: acted on his genius.
Roxas: This is starting to sound like a Calvin and Hobbes strip gone horribly, horribly wrong.
He scheduled a meeting with some Heartless workers this morning,
Marluxia: Let's skip over how he fell into their good graces.
told them of the redhead's attempt ("Lea" he had called himself). Men were sent everywhere, and McLean was thanked by the head of the Heartless himself! Ha! He truly was a genius, wasn't he?
Axel: Good God in Heaven, there are just so very many ways for me to say this to you.
Roxas: Never.
Xion: Not in a million years.
Zexion: Absolutely not.
Terra: No way, José.
Lexaeus: No chance, Lance.
Marluxia: Neit.
Larxene: Negatory.
Roxas: Mm-umm.
Xion: Nah ah!
Axel: UH UH!
Lexaeus: *silent*
Roxas: Uh, Lex? It’s your line.
Lexaeus: I will save this for later. Trust me, I know what I’m doing.
Now, at 10 o'clock in the morning, Adam McLean was lounging in the kitchen of the apartment that belonged to the Ions.
Roxas: The girl from the earlier phone conversation had gotten the memo and left before she could intervene with the plot.
Zexion: That was Lily's mother.
Roxas: But isn't she in Germany too?
Zexion: No, the mother stayed behind. This was after you uncovered your eyes and were trying to catch up.
Roxas: WHY ARE WE ARGUING THIS? THIS IS DUMB! EVERYTHING IS DUMB!
His revolver was in his hand, fully-loaded with six bullets. At first, back in D.C., the weapon had felt heavy; now it was as light as a feather. In fact, it felt almost like it was apart of McLean.
Marluxia: It's rather ironic that this story cannot break apart the words a part.
He enjoyed this, much like he enjoyed this entire mission of his.
Xion: Sorry to say, you have to fight a Dustflier before you can fill the gauge the entire way.
Many times, on his bus ride here, he had thought about why he was doing this.
Terra: You're a puppet being yanked by your strings.
Then, he realized the answer was so simple that any idiot could figure it out:
Axel: It's badfic, who cares!
because he was the best, and because he could. Who would stop him? Hall? Yeah, right. McLean would like to see him try.
Roxas: *Oathkeeper and Oblivion* I'll take you up on that offer.
Xion: If I’m here, shouldn’t you only have one of those?
Roxas: *Keyblades disappear to wherever it is Keyblades go* Let’s just focus on the fic’s plot holes and question our own later.
He was the best of the best, but Ryan seemed to not get the hint when Adam had kicked his ass in that essay contest.
He would get the hint now. Oh, yes, he would.
Terra: Couldn't you leave an elaborate series of riddles hidden throughout the city that he has to solve in order to get to the final clue? Couldn't you just tedium him to death instead of this weird revenge rape fantasy the fic's having too much enjoyment indulging in?
He heard voices approaching the room, and the crack underneath the front door now had thin shadows under it. McLean sat up in the chair, smile spreading easily on his face. He aimed the revolver at the door and kept silent, listening to the conversation on the other end.
"…and so they served me an apple strudel next, and that was pretty good," spoke the young Ion bitch.
Xion: Cool, my pregnant dog can talk!
Axel: Xion—
Xion: I know. Don't worry about me, Axel. *thumps chest* I'm tough.
"And I told them I liked it so they showed me how to make it."
"Nice!" said an older woman. This was the voice, McLean remembered, of Mrs. Ion.
Zexion: Told you so.
Roxas: Oh yeah? Well, if you're so smart, tell me how he's in this apartment in the first place!
Zexion: *silent*
"Maybe you can show us how to make it," said a man; Ion's father. The man was closest, inserting a key into the door. It clicked as it unlocked, and the doorknob turned slowly. McLean rushed over and put his back against the wall on the side of the door;
Terra: To earn some stealth points.
Mr. Ion walked in without noticing. Then came Mrs. Ion, carrying her daughter's suitcases. Then in came Lily.
Lily Ion was beautiful, as Ryan Hall would say; to Adam McLean, she was "hot".
Xion: Dad had the heater turned up really high in the car.
He wasn't remotely interested in anything but her appearance and the thoughts of what he could do to her sexually. Most people are like this to the opposite sex, but to an extent. If McLean was best at everything, that included perversion.
Roxas: He was also the best at causing all of us to feel bile rise in our throats.
Mog: *from notes* The parents get shot, we skip that.
The Ions were the only ones on this floor, and one of the last ones in this building; the apartment building was being sold to a company, and most of the residents were gone.
Xion: They got your memo, Roxas.
Fate had, yet again, extended its brutal hand to help McLean in his mission.
Axel: If by Fate you mean someone sitting down and realizing “Oh shit, most people react to bullet sounds! Uhhhhh, everyone else is gone because the building's being sold, there!”
Terra: But then why are they still—
Axel: “Don't question my logic, pesky happy people!”
Mog: *from notes* Okay, so we're skipping over the rest of the scene where Adam ties Lily to a chair. We don't talk about the actual act, but I'm pretty sure that's because w͞e͢'̸v҉e alre̷a͝dy͝ ̶re̵a͜d ̴ìt͠
Roxas: *leans back* Whoa, did Mog just get bitter?
Xion: Aww, c'mere you little fluffball! We won't let this corrupt you too!
(Xion and Mog huggle for a bit)
Mog: Aww, thanks, kupo. For that, you get an early break!
[to be continued...]
