thelectureroom: Mog! (Default)
[personal profile] thelectureroom
Title: The Nobody Virus
Author: hajikurazaki19 and DeadShut
Rating: One for the terrible-and-we-mean-Terrible writing, one for the horribly boring characters, one for the sexism (OMIGAWD THE SEXISM), one for the needless and graphic violence, and one just to let you know that this entire fic is devoid of any entertainment value whatsoever. You have been warned.
Full Name (including any titles): Ryan “Roxas” Hall, Sora O’Reily. (There's a million more, but they're not worth remembering.)
Full Species(es): Scum of the earth.
Hair Color (include adjectives): The quick summary for this part is to say that sometimes hair is same as canon, sometimes it’s something entirely different. There is never any good reason for either.
Eye Color (include adjectives): The most memorable colour is green. Why is it memorable? You’ll see.
Unusual Markings/Colorations/Physical Features: *shrugs*
Special Possessions (if any): Sora has a fancy stick masquerading as the Keyblade in one pocket and seemingly an Idiot Ball in the other, because incompetence like his has to be in tangible form. The story itself also has a weird love/hate relationship with Italy.

Origin: Frank Miller’s Guide to Fanfiction (with a foreword by Alan Moore)
Connections To Canon Characters: Stole their names. And then killed them to hide the evidence.
Special Abilities: Hallucinating others into believing anyone's had character development or changed in any way whatsoever.
Other Annoying Traits: Let’s save you some time and compress the answer down to “Everything not mentioned above.”

I Say/Notes:

Part One
Part Two
Part Three
Part Four
Part Five
Part Six
Part Seven
Part Eight
Part Nine

(Everyone has returned to the lecture room, annoyed that their moment of freedom is over.)
Mog: Cheer up, glum chums! I have good news! Turns out that this story ISN'T 30 chapters long. It's actually 27, with an epilogue and two author's notes as the last three chapters. So you only have 10 chapters to go!
Roxas: Sorry, not working.
Mog: Did you at least get filled in on the fact that—
Terra: That McLean is Archer from FullMetal Alchemist? Saw it, mocked it, moved on.
Mog: Goody!

17: Targets

Lawrence Eiseman, known as Isa in many circles,

Xion: Known as Bob in many parallelograms.

had always been fond of Aqua. He had been there from the beginning. At first he had been innocent, offering advice to his 'Sleeping Beauty',

Roxas: (as Isa to Aqua) Don't eat the meatloaf. Trust me on this one.

for he had been going to a local university to be a doctor. While there, he spent most of his time studying with Lea Conrad, a pyrotechnician who had started his own fireworks company with another student.

Larxene: (as Isa) *sees Lea* You are main character? I am main character! We are both main character! We should be friends!

They had become friends, and whenever Lea wasn't busy with his business, they would play pranks on the professors, and scare the residents of the town.

Terra: Woo-hoo! Friends actually did FRIEND THINGS together.

However, Isa would often go too far in his activity, and would tiptoe around the edges of the law.

Axel: Nah, that was usually me. Believe me, after you wake up in day-jail and that guy is giving you a talking to, you don’t forget that.

Getting arrested for disturbing the peace, illegal prescription drug possession, and even attempted murder.

Marluxia: How?
Lexaeus: Who?
Zexion: Why?
Larxene: These questions must be answered! This sounds way more interesting than anything else we’ve read so far!

Though he would let those charges roll off his cool demeanor, he had lost his scholarships, was expelled from the university, and was given no other opportunity other than asking Aqua for help.

Roxas: Look, a character who actually got to rock bottom instead of making the perfectly sober choice to destroy the world! Yeah, he caused his own problems, but this is still a step up from freaking Ryan and the other Organization members.

Aqua had agreed, being thankful for his previous advice and consolidation,

Marluxia: What advice? What did he help her with? This exposition isn’t explaining anything. It’s failing at its one and only purpose.

and they formed a relationship that was a forceful reminder of just what could happen when two independent, opposing forces tried to work together.

Terra: Whatever that means you'll have to figure out for yourselves, folks, because we're moving on without explaining it.

Isa was a person who did not acknowledge drug running or prostitution as a respectful line of work.

Marluxia: Because most people usually acknowledge it as a good career move, something the kids can take over someday.

He hated how the only person in the world he would give his life for was being used in such a disgusting way.

Terra: I concur! Fics should not keep treating her like this!

He had seen Aqua's ups and downs first person, and wanted to keep her safe from them.

Larxene: *grinning wickedly* “Ups and downs” huh?
Terra: Don’t!
Larxene: Give me a break! This is a guy that you can’t say knew her as a gradeschooler! I need to say something!

However, Aqua, who identified herself as a strong individual,

Xion: When has she ever had the chance? Every scene she appears in she's always going (as Aqua) Hey, guys, I have breasts! Hey, guys, I have a vagina! Hey, guys, I'm Riku and Isa's wet dream! (back to normal) If you're constantly reminding us that she's a female character everyone lusts after instead of focusing on her personality and actions, then she's not a strong female character.

would push Isa away whenever he tried to help her cope with her hard lifestyle.

Terra: Maybe that’s where Kairi learned to show her emotions.

He resented her for it, but would never hurt her.

Axel: Whoa, deja vu.

He had always been the 'Big Brother' and she was the 'Sleeping Beauty' who needed protection.

Marluxia: What an endearing nickname for a former prostitute.
Terra: Then where did the “Aqua” nickname come from?
Larxene: Prostitutes... make... fluids?
Marluxia: If even she can't think up a joke, something is very wrong.

She wasn't going to let anyone tell her how to move forward, not even her Big Brother. She had convinced her captain

Terra: Captain who? Morgan? Falcon? Crunch? Why is this a plot point now?
Larxene: You're just saying that because you don't want to admit it's totally going to be Eraqus.
Terra: *scowl* You stop that talk right now.
Larxene: Deny it all you want, it's gonna happen!

to recruit Isa, and he was given a gun, a brand mark, and a list of names. He was instructed to protect Aqua at all costs.

Axel: Whoa, deja vu!

To never do anything for her unless instructed

Roxas: Because then it would be okay?

and he had done just that.

Aqua had him doing menial tasks for a long time, and he would often call Lea up to assist him.

Zexion: Everyone has to start serving coffee somewhere.
Axel: I do love how everyone else is talking about my past life, and yet all I’ve ever talked about is how my supposed best friend is annoying. Why bother letting myself explain my character, that might make me seem like a person instead of a plot device to be moved around a board when connections are needed.

Though he never told Lea what his intentions were, Lea was too happy to help him kill people who got in Aqua's way. Lea and Isa were a threat to everyone so long as they were under Aqua's control.

Terra: *staring horrified*
Xion: Just keep telling yourself this isn’t her! Aqua wouldn’t make a hit list on anyone, and you know it!

At the same time, Aqua was given her own set. Jerkbutt Hopsfield and Valentin "Ven" Claus.

Roxas: Y’know, “Ventus” isn’t that much different than “Valentin”. You could have kept his name the same. Sora, Riku, Kairi, and Xehanort are running around with their names intact, we can suspend our disbelief for names in fics.

They were shipped to Philadelphia to take over,

Xion: Death to the cream cheese and dips!

and Isa and Lea had followed.

Marluxia: Packed in their separate shipping boxes.

Lea, however, was starting to make quite a bit of money off his business, and left Isa without warning. No note, no sign, not even a god damn text message.

Larxene: Dude, you don’t break up on text message. That’s just cold.

From that point, forward, Isa was completely loyal to Aqua, killing anyone and everyone who posed even the slightest threat to her operations.

Axel: Whoa, deja vu!

Not even Jerkbutt and Ven knew about him.

Xion: So... Ven, who was the only one to meet Lea and Isa, knows nothing about them?
Roxas: Canon. Not here. Accepted a long time ago.

But, over time, Aqua had claimed Philadelphia as her own,

Terra: And she renamed the show Young Man Gets Acquainted with the Universe.

and began expanding her empire. She had even shared it, giving half the city to Isa as a gift.

Xion: (as Aqua) Big Brother, I got you a present!
Roxas: (as Isa) Okay. Where’s the package?
Xion: (as Aqua) There isn’t one, because I got you an empire of illegal activity!
Roxas: (as Isa) BEST PRESENT EVER!

Isa accepted it, and ruled over his side of the city in a very different way. He didn't allow people to flow through his city unattended.

Zexion: In case the 1984 reference wasn’t smacking you in the head enough, let’s shove it in some more.

Drug runners, thugs, mobsters, and assassins alike had to answer to him.

Axel: (as Isa) You! How much cheese can you fit in my ear? You! What is the difference between a good bad movie and a bad bad movie? You! How long would it take to bike through the Pacific Ocean? YOU!

They didn't like that very much, and stayed out of his side of Philly, choosing to work with Aqua instead.

Isa didn't like the fact he was losing control.

Lexaeus: Whereas most people adore the feeling of complete failure.

Even though he didn't like drugs, and thought that owning a drug ring as large as his was a waste of time, he loved to get under Aqua's skin for fun,

Zexion: So why not just click a pen around her?

and had challenged her. Whoever could sell the most product in a week, would gain control over the entire city, and would work their way back to New York.

Larxene: (as Isa) I challenge you to the most boring game of Risk ever!

Aqua accepted naturally, thinking that she could move up the ladder. She lost miserably.

Xion: She landed on a snake.

Isa had out sold her. He had rubbed in her face so hard, she lashed out and claimed that she would never speak to him again.

Roxas: I don’t care. I’m not even going to make a joke, I care that little.
Mog: *from notes* Philly falls apart, saddy sad, then Aqua calls in her Big Brother.

And now he was sitting in a car, staring at Riku.

Axel: Wondering what the hell any of that had to do with aliens, terrorists, or saving Sora's parents.
Marluxia: Well, parent now. The good news is that it's half as easy for him.

He had followed Aqua's new toy for days,

Zexion: This fic's timeline is still vague as ever.

staying out of sight, and taking notes. He had noticed many different things at once. The first thing being that he wasn't the only one keeping tabs on Riku. And the second thing was that the Heartless were getting bold,

Terra: They showed up for one scene! Those brave and bold scoundrels!
Roxas: "Many different things" now means "two very closely related things that may as well have been one observation."

making stronger advances on Aqua's lesser assets. Buying local nightclubs and computer stores, not really raising any flags.

Zexion: And yet getting noticed at the same time.

Isa clicked his teeth.

He was going to kill them all.

Marluxia: Following the problem solving solution of every other character in this story.

Isa waited in his car as Riku stepped through the doors of another store. He sighed inwardly as he put bullets into his gun. He wanted to blow Riku's head off.

All: *look bored*
Mog: You’re not going to say anything?
Roxas: Look, the characters all act as if they’d kill you for spitting on their sidewalk. This premise of showing how cruel the world is stops making any impact after you’ve done the same thing again and again. It just feels like an Itchy and Scratchy cartoon now.
Mog: *from notes* His phone distracts him.

"Shit," Isa growled. He flipped his phone open. "Hello?"

Larxene: (as caller) Hi, this is Life. Please get one.

"Isa, where the fuck are you?"

Isa instantly brightened. "Hello, Aqua. Where am I?

Xion: (as Isa) I remember sitting right next to you, and then the scene changed. The plot’s moved me somewhere else entirely by now. I’m lost and scared.


"I'm making sure you're not fucking anything up."

Isa sucked in a breath. "I would never…"

"Stop following Riku."

Isa grinned and looked around. "You're watching me? That's hot.

Marluxia: So he's into voyeurism. There, we now know more about a two-bit character than we do Sora.

I love how you don't trust me."

"I don't trust anyone," Aqua hissed.

"Except Riku."

Aqua paused. "Don't underestimate me, Isa. I don't need you."

Axel: THEN WHY THE HELL DID YOU CALL HIM IN? If you thought deep shit was gonna happen why would you call in deeper shit? MAKE SENSE!

Isa laughed. "Yes you do." And he hung up the phone.

He ran his fingers through his hair and chuckled under his breath. He was annoyed that Aqua was having him watched, but he was interested in just how long he had this little bird following him. He opened the car door.

The sun was making its way to the ground despite the high-rises of the city.

Roxas: Yes! Go, Sun, go! Crash into the earth and end it all!

It was chilly, and people were traveling a little closer together, trying to sap the warmth off each other.

Xion: Tap a spigot in them and soon we'll be in a sugar shack enjoying mapley sweets.

Isa was alone in this mass of people, shrugging away from all of them. He wasn't a person who wanted to share anything he had with anybody.

Terra: (as Isa) My aggravating character! Mine! No one elses!

Aqua was the only one who was privy to the information he had.

Axel: Whoa, deja vu!

He stretched outside of his car, still keeping his eyes on the store front.

Zexion: While watching Riku, he's also waiting for the Black Friday sales to kick in.
Mog: *from notes* Isa continues talking about himself.

He was going to be a doctor.

Terra: (as Isa) Dammit, Jim, I'm not a doctor, I'm a drug runner!

And he hated how he had lost that opportunity. If he hadn't been running with the wrong people at the University, he would have never done the things he did.

Axel: Boo hoo, your own damn fault, can’t care.
Roxas: Is that bitterness towards fic Isa or real Isa?
Axel: Bit a both, really.

And the fact that he had been abandoned didn't help. He rubbed his eyes groggily.

Zexion: He'd been reading the walls of text and it was starting to hurt.
Lexaeus: Proof that this writing actually causes eye strain.

He was already getting bored, and wanted to do something fun.

Xion: We have a rec list, if you’re interested.

It was illegal in the City of New York to have sex in a parked car, so he couldn't pick up a whore. And Aqua wasn't going to loan him one.

Axel: A pessimistic soul might call these lines “pointless”. But those lines needed to be here. Otherwise you'd forget how misogynistic the story was and you'd forget why you hated it.

He figured that he could just get a little closer to Riku. He usually didn't get so close to his targets, but if Riku noticed, he could just play it off. He was good at that too, lying. He strolled into the store, which, to his surprise was a paper store.

Larxene: Boy, aren’t you observant after staring at the place for that entire info dump.
Zexion: Us smart folk call that a stationery store or office supplies shop.

He milled through the aisles.

Xion: Paper-milled through the aisles, in fact.

He didn't see Riku, but he heard a faint muttering in the next row. He stopped and leaned closer to the shelf.

"He's in here somewhere." Said a man. "I saw him. He had these numbers written on his arm. Diz wants him alive, though."

"Shit, I thought we were going to spill some blood." Said another. "I'm sick of not getting recognition. We're Heartless, damnit. We deserve props."

Roxas: (as Heartless) We deserve to have boss fights and thousand Heartless battles! We’re iconic, darnit!
Mog: *from notes* Isa finds Riku writing weird stuff on lots of pages.


Isa turned. Two men were standing side by side. They had small guns, and Isa noticed, they were lacking in silencers.

Larxene: Whoop-dee-flippin'-doo, you noticed they didn't have giant sticks attached to their guns.

"What the fuck do you want?" Isa growled.

Roxas: Character arcs?
Zexion: An actual theme?
Terra: Prose that evokes imagery?
Xion: Cleverly hidden references to the games or Disney cartoons?
Axel: For half the cast to suddenly disappear so the plot won't be as clunky?
Lexaeus: For anyone to follow through on any of the plans they detailed rather than just explode all their problems away?
Roxas: Y'know, storytelling?

"We want him," one of the men said. "He belongs to us."

Terra: All your Rikus are belong to us.

Isa grinned. "Oh, so he works for you, huh?"

The men laughed. One of the store clerks came back. It was a young woman.

Axel: She saw Dick run. Run, Dick, run.
Larxene: I could have easily used that same joke when any of the guys in this fic started running.

She looked nervous, but she put up a tough front.

"You're going to have to keep it down, or leave," she said.

Xion: Hey! A strong female character!

Isa smiled. "Oh, or course."

He raised his gun, shot the two Heartless in the head, and killed the clerk before she even had enough time to scream.

Xion: … Well. Nice while it lasted.
Marluxia: Once again we are saved from the horrible sight of the Heartless doing something.
Terra: But did Isa have a silencer?

He wiped the small spray of blood that landed on his cheek and nudged Riku again.


Mog: (as Isa) I gotta get off to my bus drivin’ shift OOOIIII!
Zexion: Your moment in the spotlight is over, Mog, let it go.

Riku didn't move, but he had stopped writing.

Lexaeus: Which would be the same as “didn't move”.

He was shaking. Isa put his gun away, and patted Riku on the shoulder. "Let's go."

Riku stood without a word. He seemed okay. He moved normally, but he seemed out of it. Like he wasn't completely there.

Terra: But still totally okay!

Isa pushed him into his car and drove away. Riku was silent, and it unnerved Isa. He wanted Riku out of the way, but he didn't want to hurt Aqua.

Axel: Whoa, deju vu!

He figured that he would take him somewhere. Aqua wouldn't mind, but Isa wanted to question him. He wanted to find out what the fuck he had just seen.


Riku was silent.

Isa looked at him. He cleared his throat. "Riku!"

Riku was still silent. His arm twitched. For a second he blinked, but then he looked at Isa.

Xion: Because any longer than a second he would've just plain closed his eyes.


Isa growled. "What the fuck was that?"

Riku frowned. "What?"

Isa slammed the brakes.

Axel: Then they swerved off a bridge, the end, can we go home now?

"You know exactly what I'm talking about! Don't you think for one second that I'm not onto you!"

Riku ignored him and opened the door. "I don't have time for this shit. I'm leaving."

Larxene: *stands up* I don't have time for this shit. I'm leaving.
(She tries to open the door but it stays locked.)
Larxene: *sits back down* Dang, I really thought that would work.
Mog: Good try, though.

Isa jumped out of the car.

Terra: But forgot to open the door so he instead smacked into the window. Riku walked away laughing.

He was furious. He had jumped to his own conclusions, and didn't care very much that he was blinded by jealousy and was possessive of Aqua.

Xion: *singing* This is the scene that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friends! Some poor schmucks were made to read it, always fearing what it was, and they'll continue reading it forever just because...
Mog: *from note* Riku’s brain is feeling funky as he and Isa get into a fight.

There was nothing fluid about it; he was a puppet to some other being.

Axel: The horror of when characters realize they're in a badfic.

Isa gasped, trying to hold his ground, but Riku was either too strong, or had too much momentum to stop. Isa found himself on the ground. His own gun was pointed right between his eyes. He huffed angrily.

Roxas: Permission to sum up every use of adverb in this fic with one word?
Mog: Granted!

"Go ahead, shoot me."

Terra: Yes, do it, Riku! Get rid of some of these side characters so we can get back to the main plot!
Mog: *from notes* Then Aqua shows up and Riku thinks about how weird he's been.

Aqua pushed the metal killer harder into the back of Riku's head, "I said drop it."

Zexion: *can only hold his head and sigh for commas*

Riku dropped the gun into Isa's hand. Isa stood up, pointing it right back at him. "I'm going to kill you for that."

Roxas: (as Isa) I’m gonna kill you for tryna kill me for trying to kill you!

Aqua frowned. People around them began to panic, and she knew they were phoning the police. She could hear sirens in the distance. Isa frowned.

Lexaeus: And then Riku frowned so they would all match.

It was his time to show off. He rolled his eyes and took the gun from Aqua.

"Go," he said. "I'll take the heat for this."

Aqua didn't move. "You can't do that. Then I'll owe you."

Isa leaned dangerously close to her. Their lips almost brushed. "I look forward to cashing in that favor. Go, I can take care of myself."

Roxas: It is really sad that these two have more chemistry than every other pairing so far.

Aqua grabbed Riku and dragged him away. She was angry.

Terra: (as Aqua) *deadpan* Grr. See? See how angry I am. Grrrrr.

More at the fact that she had to show herself in public than the fact that Riku was falling apart for no apparent reason, and Isa had almost killed him.

Marluxia: Lovely priorities.
Xion: Isn’t Aqua supposed to be one of the good guys?

Police swarmed around the area, and they were shouting at Isa, who gave up without a fight. No one had even paid attention to them as they left.

Zexion: Lucky for them, they found the one crowd consisting entirely of goldfish attention spans.
Xion: (as crowd) Oooh, a castle. Ooh, a castle. *huge gasp* Look at that, a castle!

Aqua pushed Riku into her car and climbed in. When she shut the door, she looked at him. "We need to talk."

Roxas: It’s about time! There hasn’t been a meaningful, heart-felt conversation between any of the characters yet!
Mog: There was an attempt at one in my chapter.
Axel: (as Riku) By the by, thanks for warning me that Amber was a psycho lady that would pull my friend into dubcon. Thanks for the heads up!
Mog: *from notes* Now to Saix in his room.

A soft knock at his door alerted him to the fact that he was still on this miserable little planet.

Xion: He should move to Little Big Planet. That place is adorable.

He sighed heavily and stood up. He shuffled his papers away, and turned off all his computer screens save for his star holograms. He pressed a button under his desk and his door opened.

Axel: They’d dropped the automatic doors on the bedrooms after a very awkward moment between Xaldin, Larxene, and the pizza delivery guy. You do NOT want to know the details.

In came Marluxia, pink hair waving about like he was some kind of god.

Marluxia: And I enjoy this story once more for a brief moment.

He looked like he had just had a really good day, but there was worry lurking underneath his eyes.

"Saix." Marluxia murmured. "I've been thinking."

Xion: (as Saix) A dangerous pastime.
Roxas: (as Marluxia) I know.

"You seem to be doing that a lot." Saix said, becoming angry. "You've been neglecting your duties. I've had to clean up your messes, and quite frankly, I'm sick of it."

Xion: (as Saix) Do you know how many fruit flies we had to deal with after you left a half-eaten banana in the couch cushion?

Marluxia clicked his tongue. "I have not been neglecting my duties, Saix. I have done everything you've asked of me. You just don't want to do the paperwork afterwards. You're just being lazy."

Saix jumped up and grabbed Marluxia by his collar. "You will not use that tone with me, do you understand?"

Roxas: (as Saix) Now go to your room and think about what you've done, young man!

Marluxia smiled and pulled Saix's hands off him. "I'm sorry…superior. I was merely making an observation."

"You don't want to mess with me now." Saix growled.

"You called me, lapdog." Marluxia chided. "I've come. Now what do you want?"

Larxene: (as Saix) Well, we are in my bedroom…

Saix frowned and kept his cool. He wanted to kill Marluxia right then and there, but he couldn't do that. Xehanort would have been extremely displeased. He fixed his shirt, smoothed his hair down, and sat at his desk. "Xehanort wanted to talk to you personally, but he had decided to stay in Italy for a week."

Axel: It's a place that isn't America! Isn't it awesome!

He glanced down. "He sends his apologies."

Marluxia frowned. "That's it?"

Saix shook his head slowly. "Of course not. I wouldn't have called you if that was it."

Zexion: But thanks for sharing with us anyway. I was just thinking to myself that we haven't made a padding comment in a while.

Marluxia clicked his teeth again. "Then what do you want?"

"You have a new victim." Saix cringed inside as he saw Marluxia's eyes light up. "He's the new CEO of Male INC. It's the internet dating website that was used as a front for Aqua."


Saix folded his hands together. "Larxene hasn't reported to me yet about Aqua,

Larxene: *glares at Zexion* I've been momentarily sidetracked.

but I do believe that this new CEO knows where she is. I want you to go find him and get any information you can. You may then…kill him."

Zexion: (as Saix) It will be a scene the moogle's bound to skip for being unprofitable, have a good time.

Saix shuddered at that last bit, for he knew just how horribly Marluxia could kill someone. He was unfortunate enough to have been there during Xehanort's first interview. They had found Marluxia in some backwater town, hiding from the FBI. He was a confirmed serial killer, and he had been in the middle of a kill when they had found him.

Xion: (as Xehanort) Hello there, I can see you’re in the midst of a murder right now and dripping someone else’s blood, but would you mind taking the time to tell me how you feel about our company?

Marluxia was disgusting, covered from head to toe in blood. He had ripped the poor woman open

Roxas: Does this fic even realize that whenever it kills off random people that nine times out of ten it kills off girls?
Axel: It’s like the writers asked each other “What are women good for? Having sex and being murdered? Yyeeeessss!”

and was hanging her intestines in the surrounding trees.

Marluxia: It's nice to hear that I dropped my previously stated modus operandi before joining the Organization.
Terra: How were you supposed to kill people?
Marluxia: Growing flowers inside them.
Terra: That sounds—
Marluxia: Impossible, yes. Which is likely why I abandoned it.

When they stopped him, he could barely string more than two or three words together. He was a mess, but Xehanort laughed off the carnage and gave Marluxia a job, despite the furious protests of Saix.

Axel: He's just jealous because Marluxia has a giant Nobody spaceship.
Mog: *from notes* And then there’s looooooots of talking about some plan that will give Marly kids. This never happens so why bother reading about it?


Xion stood outside Zexion's hotel door. She was dressed in a light sundress, and she had a cute set of sunglasses on her head.

Xion: I love my Pikachu sunglasses.
Terra: Thoughts? Who cares about thoughts? Look, she’s got outfits! Outfits are so much more important than thoughts!

She wanted to go with Zexion to see what he was going to do. She still felt afraid to be alone after what Pete had done to her.

Xion: *hugs* It’s going to be okay. We'll just ignore that I brought it up like I ate a bad salad and focus on happy things.

But, she also didn't like Zexion too much.

Roxas: Smart move.


Zexion opened his eyes. He was still lying in bed. His head hurt. He rolled on his side and groaned. Xion wasn't being a very good guest.

Zexion: Why? Why are the sentences still so badly formed? Even after all this, the mechanics of writing haven't improved, they've just gotten more obviously bad as more words are shoved in.

He glanced at the clock on the bedside table. It read early morning,

Xion: Fancy. I still prefer the actual time, though.
Mog: *from notes* Zexion takes a shower and does... stuff.
Larxene: Masturbate?
Mog: ...Maybe.
Larxene: It's not hard to guess that a sex scene was pointless.
Marluxia: At least we can now say he literally is a wanker.

He shut the water off and dried his hair and left the room after dressing.

Terra: The hotel wouldn't appreciate you walking around their property in your birthday suit.

He carried a briefcase with him, and refused to look at Xion. They got in a cab together, and Zexion directed the driver to a nearby private airport.

The palms trees all waved happily, giving off that air of vacation and carefree play.

Xion: (as trees) Heeeey! How you guys doin'? Havin' a good time yet? Isn't this place great? I love living here! I'm so happy I could wave! Wheeee!

Xion kept looking at Zexion, wishing he would look at her. Of all things she had to do during her first days of her new life, she had to sit in silence with someone who couldn't even look at her.

Roxas: Not like she could have made her own decisions and stayed at the Labs if she so desired. Noooo, couldn't possibly have that!

She kept asking him questions, possibly coaxing him into talking to her, but still he sat. Silent, and uncaring.

Axel: So she wisely decided "Screw this guy!" and went off to the beach, interacted with people, and had this magical experience called FUN that the normies enjoy.

As the driver pulled to a stop, Zexion hopped out of the car and opened his briefcase. Xion could see dozens of vials and hypodermic needles. Zexion pulled out a lab coat and put it on hastily. He fastened a badge to his breast pocket and placed a pair of smart looking glasses on the bridge of his nose.

Zexion: Oh but of course.

"You are not coming with me," he said flatly.

Xion opened the door and stepped out. "Like hell I'm not.

Xion: *happy gasp*

I was paired up with you. What would it look like if you just abandoned me?"

Xion: Am I... Am I sticking up for myself and having a voice?
Axel: Enjoy it now before it's ruined! Bask in it! Breathe it! Bathe in it! You know it won't last!
Xion: *throws arms out and enjoys the moment*

"I don't really care," Zexion answered. He still avoided eye contact. "I'm doing official business. You're just staying with me because you'll get in the way.

Lexaeus: That doesn't make any sense.

Go back to hotel, go play on the beach. I don't care. You're not coming with me."

Xion glared at Zexion, but sat back in the car anyway.

Xion: *returns to normal* Boy, that felt nice.
Mog: *from notes* Zexion finds some natives.

When he caught up with them, they looked rather shocked to see someone dressed as nicely as he was.

Larxene: Because they themselves were nude.

They looked at each other.

Axel: (as Person 1) *stage-whisper* Did you call in a snobby emo teenager again?
Roxas: (as Person 2) *stage-whisper* Geez, one village wide tragedy and you can't let it go. There's no way that'll happen a second time!

Zexion smoothed his lab coat and pushed his glasses back up his nose.

"Excuse me," he huffed. "But, I'm a doctor, and I was wondering if you have any people who may be sick in your village."

Xion: (as people) Alright, Doctor, where are you from and where did you train?
Roxas: (as Zexion) Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhlbuquerque?
Xion: (as people) Seems legit.

Zexion hoped they could understand him, because he couldn't be bothered with trying to find someone who could translate.

Zexion: Or learning a language before beginning a major operation. That would be too much work.
Lexaeus: I’m sure Hawaiians need more people disregarding their culture. They don’t have enough of that already.

It would be a waste of his time.

Zexion: See? He agrees with me.
Axel: (as Zexion) Yeah, I'm only unleashing a lethal virus into the world. Why should I have to put effort into my job? Sheesh!

He just wanted to get in and get out.

Larxene: He thought the same thing about Kairi.

"Oh, a doctor," sighed one of the locals. "Thank goodness."

Terra: (as local) I told you guys going out here would be plot convenient and none of you believed me! Look who's laughing now!
Roxas: Language barriers are easy when they don't exist.

They led him to their village. It was small, nestled between the high rising rocks that reached up and were covered in dense tropical trees. Zexion was sweating profusely, and had stripped down to a white t-shirt.


His glasses kept sliding off his face, so he folded them and put them in his briefcase.

Marluxia: And everyone was too minor of characters to notice that you weren't wearing your corrective lenses anymore.
Terra: (as Zexion) Disguises, what are those? That sounds like something unintelligent people do, and I'm definitely not one of those.

"We've been hoping a doctor would come," one of the locals explained. "We sent for help to the mainland a few days ago. We thought they weren't going to send anyone."

"What's wrong?" Zexion asked.

"There are a few of our women who are pregnant, and they've been having horrible pains and morning sickness."

Axel: How [bleep]. *pause* Wait, what?
Mog: *moves away from censor button* You've used up your quota for the word ‘convenient’. You're now no longer allowed to use it so you gotta think up something different.

"How far along?"

"Well, one is only a few weeks.

Axel: (as Zexion) How wonderfully timed for my evil plans!
Mog: That's better.

Two are a little less than three months. And one is almost there." The local said. "We were hoping that we would have a doctor to help with the delivery."

Xion: (as local) We have no midwives.

Zexion frowned. "I will tend to them all. As soon as I have had the chance to refresh myself, I will examine them.

"How are you going to help them?"

Roxas: (as Zexion) Doctorly things! Now away, peasants, so I can do unquestionable things that you shouldn't question!

"I will be giving them a powerful concentrated nutrient." Zexion wiped his forehead. "I will need to draw blood to expose them to the medicine, and they should be fine if all goes well."

Terra: (as Zexion) Again, do not question anything I do! This is obviously safe and nothing could ever possibly go wrong! Just nod and agree!

The locals looked relieved, and Zexion did not feel any sympathy for them, since he knew he was going to end up killing one of the women.

Axel: Zexion was an ass and we did not feel any sympathy for him, since we knew he was just going to end up being an ass some more.
Mog: *from notes* SCIENCE!

The plane was still waiting for him. By the time he reached the Mainland, night had fallen, and the ocean was a spectacular blue, sparkling from the bleach white sand underneath.

Xion: (as Narrative) What to do you mean ‘stars and the moon do that?’ Stop your crazy talk!

Zexion pulled out a notebook and scribbled notes down. His infatuation with the ocean was going to be appeased.

Zexion: Okay, that's one point brought up again. Now we just need to know absolutely everything about Sora, what Larxene, Demyx, and Luxord have been doing this entire time, what happened to that Amber women, if Hayner is going to affect the plot in any way, why Minnie is being kept a secret, and I'm still waiting on why Aqua was talking about aliens in only a sheet.
Mog: *from notes* Zzzzzzzz.

As the sun was setting in Hawaii, it was just rising in Italy. Xehanort had woken Xaldin up at the crack of dawn, much to the displeasure of the latter.

Axel: Xaldin didn't get much sleep last night thanks to Xe, if ya know what I mean.
Mog: ...No, I don't know what you mean.
Xion: You do know that Xehanort and Xaldin are lovers in this fic, right?
Mog: *squeaks* Huh?
Xion: Remember that little "night-time" comment that you didn't get? That was kind of the biggest clue.
Mog: ... ... ...Yeah. I totally got that. I was just foolin' you all.

"It's too early, sir," Xaldin croaked. He hid his head under his pillow.

Larxene: No, man, you have to press the pillow into your face in order to escape this fic.

"But, Xaldin, you must experience Italy with me." Xehanort said. He was fully clothed and looked exactly like an American tourist.

Axel: Why so fond of that picture?
Roxas: It's the perfect rebuttal!

"We need to taste their exquisite wines."

Larxene: Out of each other's mouths, of course.

Xaldin looked at him incredulously. "You look ridiculous."

Xehanort frowned. "Well, I need to taste the countryside.

Larxene: Out... of each other's mouths?

You have to come with me. Come on, I'm asking you to be company, not a bodyguard. Just for today. Then you can be grumpy again."

Xion: (as Xehanort) And I'll be Doc!
Larxene: So a little roleplay action, eh?
Terra: You are determined to kill me before this is over, aren't you?
Larxene: Yep-a-roo.

Xaldin sat up. "Okay, so long as I don't have to dress like an idiot."

Xehanort laughed. "Thata boy."

Roxas: (as Xehanort) Here's a cookie for being such a good kid.
Mog: *from notes* Boring inn stuff happens.

"Sir, I don't think we should be waltzing around Italy right now."

Xion: (as Xaldin) We kinda have this plot thing to return to, sir. It's mildly important is all I'm saying.

Xehanort turned down another road, looking at a map. "Ah, Xaldin, you worry far too much, my friend. We are supposed to be enjoying ourselves."

Terra: (as Xehanort) Those aliens can wait. It's not like they're the only interesting part of this fic or anything.

He stopped in front of a small shop. "Oh, Xaldin! Look at this!"

Xaldin looked in the window. On display was a long coat. Completely white with black markings. It was magnificent.

Xion: CosplayIsUs, the Italian branch.

He frowned. "We don't have the money to waste, Xehanort."

Lexaeus: Or the time.

"Nonsense." He entered the store.

Marluxia: See, this is why I tried to take over the Organization.

Xaldin followed him, knowing that he would do nothing to stop him. Xehanort helped himself to the coat. The clerk came out and helped Xehanort. He tailored the smooth Italian leather to his form.

Terra: We're into a full-blown shopping montage.

"Wonderful." Xehanort said. "I'll take it."

The clerk grinned as if all his worries would melt away.

Larxene: Ten million munny says he gets shot!
Axel: Give it up, your munny is as gone as he's about to be.

He had a customer, and that was exceedingly rare these days, especially in this economy.

Zexion: Any place that isn't the Lower 48 is inferior.
Roxas: America's economy isn't too hot at the moment either.

He rang Xehanort up with fervor.

Larxene: Which, coincidentally, is Xaldin's favourite euphemism.

Xaldin nudged Xehanort. "We have no money, Xehanort. We spent it all on the wine for the entire pub last night. And the hotel money is gone."

"Oh, shoot."

Terra: (as Xehanort) Oh, fiddleysticks.
Axel: 'Kay, I know why the kids can't curse, but what's your excuse?
Terra: *beaming* I was raised better than that, thank you very much.
Marluxia: And how does Eraqus feel about that at the moment?
Terra: *slumps* You guys are mean.

"You had to pick the most expensive wine." Xaldin said. "Ten grand a bottle. Ten bottles."

Xehanort looked at him. "Eh, throw it on the American Express."

Xaldin frowned and handed the clerk the plastic card. "You seriously need to reign in your spending habits."

Xehanort smiled slyly. "Well, you know what they say. Gods don't pay."

Roxas: (as Xehanort) Gods would rather screw over people working hard at their decent jobs because we think we’re too good for minimum wage or taxes.

Xaldin sighed and shot the clerk in the face.

Axel: *smugly flipping a coin* Hmm, what should I spend the last of Larxene's munny on? What to choose, what to choose?
Larxene: There's going to be a monster of a thunderstorm after all this is through, you just wait.
Lexaeus: So, basically, everything recognizable about Xehanort/Xemnas— the blades, the clothes, his goals— he simply stole from other people.
Terra: *looks down at himself sadly* That's too in-character for my liking.

"I hope you don't decide to go on another spending spree anytime soon."

"Why not."

Xaldin looked at his gun. "I'm almost out of bullets."

Marluxia: Then go shoot a munitions salesman in the face and loot him. It's not like you've been shown to have any scruples.

"You will be rewarded, my friend." Xehanort said as he folded his coat and stowed it in a box. "I love Italy!"

Roxas: (as Xehanort) I love padding!
Zexion: In case you were counting, this has been another pointless moment.

Xehanort laughed again, but his phone rang, and the air in the room changed from happiness to strict business.

Larxene: Thank you every deity that's ever existed.

He flipped his phone open. "Hello?"

"It's eight."

"Ah, Axel!" Xehanort cried. "How goes it?"

Axel: Abso-freakin'-lutely nowhere! I just had to read you go clothes shopping! CLOTHES SHOPPING! With your boyfriend, no less! You may as well have made him hold your bags and ask him if these pants make you look fat!
Mog: *from notes* Boring phone stuff happens.

Xaldin was silent. He watched Xehanort carefully.

Larxene: (as Xaldin) 'kaaay, so which one of us is the uke and which one is the seme in this pairing?

He sorely missed the strictly business side of his boss.

Lexaeus: As do we all at the moment.

Xehanort was enjoying a mini vacation, and he was merely having fun. Living for as long as he had, he realized somewhere in the early eighties that he had to live everyday like it was his last.

Xion: Those other forty some years were spent sleeping on the couch, watching TV for hours on end.
Terra: (as Xehanort) Ho ho! I love it when they all yell “Norm!” Oh well, I’d better start recruiting misfits so we can make the world even more pathetic than we are.

"I suppose we are leaving now?"

Xehanort put his phone away. "Yes. Unfortunately, I must attend to my duties in the States.

All: YES!

But, not before one more stop.

All: NO!
Mog: *from notes* Boring taxicab and blindfold stuff happens.

"Go ahead, take it off."

Xaldin sighed and pulled the cloth from his eyes. Before him, in a huge hanger, sat a sleek white Boeing 747.

Terra: ...Didn't Axel already say Xaldin had a Boeing?
Xion: Geez, way to ruin the surprise, Axel.
Zexion: *writes*

The wings were a deep black, and the Roman numeral III was printed in the tail. It was beautiful.

"For you," Xehanort said. "Happy birthday."

Xaldin fluttered inside.

Xion: *holds hand to forehead* Oh my stars, I do believe I will faint from all this excitement!
Mog: *from notes* Then boring end of chapter stuff happens.

18: Consider It a Business Meeting

When Ienzo had inherited all of poor old Jerkbutt's D.C. empire, he learned that he had come into the possession of many bars and pubs throughout the nation's capital.

Larxene: We'll have to hit up all of them by the time this fic is done.

His favorite was by far the Lucky Charm, which resembled an old Irish drinking pub; although most of the interior was stone, banners and streamers of dark shades of green hung from the ceilings.

Roxas: There were also lots of cereal boxes, but he couldn't understand why.

Humongous pitchers of beer were sold to customers, and given free to "associates". Furthermore, to make it even better, the Lucky Charm was almost always completely empty, which meant Ienzo could drink and think in peace.

Axel: I don't know what's stupider— the fact that they barely have any business and are giving away free beer, or that they're giving away free beer and barely have any business.

Not today, however. Today, the bar was full of strangers, all running in as if something incredibly entertaining was going on inside.

Shocked and a bit pissed, Ienzo pushed passed the crowd and into the bar.

He asked the barmaid, a cute little thing named Wendy who Ienzo had fucked maybe six times since he came here,

Xion: So... all women are there only for sex, while all men are there only to have sex. Why can't people just be people?
Larxene: I'm quite familiar with Wendy myself. Not in the same way, though.

"What the hell is going on? Who the fuck are all these people?"

Wendy, white-faced, pointed up to the big screen TV that was inside the Lucky Charm.

Marluxia: As opposed to the TV in the skyscraper across the street.

Frowning, Ienzo looked up. On the screen was a black-and-red heart with a "X" through it.

Terra: (as Ienzo) X? So these people are all part of the X-men?

"Oh, shit…" whispered Ienzo, feeling his stomach drop and his heart race.

Roxas: (as Ienzo) The Heartless are gonna actually do something and we can't just shoot them to make them go away!

A voice on the television said:

Terra: (as voice) I am Andrew Ryan, and I'm here to ask you a question.

"Hello, ladies and gentlemen of the United States of America.

Roxas: (as voice) Cave Johnson here!

For years, now, we of the Heartless have desperately tried to warn you not to cross the line. For years, now, all we've asked for is respect. And, for years now, we have gotten it. Unfortunately for us all, many have been disrespecting the Heartless, and challenging our motives and operations.

Xion: (as voice) They keep saying we don't do anything and they are so totally wrong!

This makes working with you, America, incredibly difficult. In an age where celebrities come and go, new fads live and die,

Zexion: (as voice) In an age where we use video game franchises as our platform for hating pop culture.

you have all made the horrendous mistake of underestimating us. You do not challenge the Heartless.

Terra: (as voice) We can kick you two ways to Thursday in Super Smash Bros!

We are not old 'news', we are not 'dead'; in fact, we are very much alive.

Larxene: (as voice) Kinda can't breathe, and sorta lost all motor control, BUT STILL TOTALLY ALIVE!

Today, people of America, will be the day we show you how alive we are. Today, people of America, you will witness our might and be reminded of who you should always respect.

Zexion: (as Heartless) Today, people of America, we will finally do something that will prove that we were worthy of being in the opening sentence of a poorly done alternate-universe fan fiction.

May the Heartless live forever, even when this patriotic empire has been for long in ruins."

Axel: Wulp, not the worst podcast I've ever heard. No League of Extremely Ordinary Gentlemen but not bad.

Incredibly, the Heartless-symbol on the screen turned into an episode of Spongebob Squarepants. Two fishy pilots had panicky expressions on their faces.

"We're falling right out of the sky!" screamed one of the pilots.

"We'll have to drop the load!" replied the other.

Axel: (as Heartless) We hate pop culture! So enjoy this episode of Spongebob that we memorized and thought was fittingly ironic for the occasion.
Roxas: Maybe that's what they spent this entire fic doing: editing together this video in Windows Movie Maker.

The entire world shook.

"Holy fuck!" shrieked Ienzo, falling to the solid floor as everything trembled. The people in the Lucky Charm screamed.

Xion: (as Lucky) They'll stop at nothing to get me Lucky Charms! They've even turned to explosives!

Glass bottles of liquor and other alcohol fell from shelves and shattered on the ground in foamy sprays.


The flat-screen TV fell from its place high on the wall and broke into pieces of plastic. Dust from the ceiling came down like an apocalyptic mist.

Terra: Like the only good simile this fic will ever have.
Zexion: I don’t even mind that the structure is awful, look at how that sentence actually attempts to create mood.

Then, everything was still.

Ienzo collected himself, and saw that others in the tavern were doing the same. Coughing, spluttering, and hysterical crying filled the air, reminding Ienzo of his childhood spent in the hospital where everyone was either dying, depressed, or both.

All: *stunned silence*
Roxas: Was that... Was that an explanation of a person's life before this fic began?
Zexion: And only in one sentence?
Axel: It's a concise miracle!

A man ran into the tavern, a deep gash on his forehead.

"The Monument!" he screamed at the top of his lungs. Everyone in the bar listened to him, all deathly quiet, their blood running cold. "The Washington Monument's been bombed! The Washington Monument!"

Axel: (as man) Our tourist trap! Our tourist trap!

Some women screamed, some men shouted, people were crying even more now, but Ienzo was like a rock. He straightened his shirt, brushed the dust off of him, and marched outside.

Xion: (as Ienzo) I’m too ~*kewl*~ to have emotions.

The sky was red not with sunlight but with fire. In the distance, he could vaguely see the Washington Monument behind humongous plumes of smoke, debris and fire.

Larxene: The fireworks display was not off to a good start.

People were now filling the streets, one of whom kept repeating, "Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God…".

Chunks of the monument fell into the pool below.

Roxas: (as chunks) Screw this, I'm taking a bath.

Cloud and Namine were sitting in the Laundromat,

Zexion: That may as well have been in Luxemburg for all we know because there isn’t a more accurate location than Laundromat of course.

arms around each other, watching as the Monument crumbled on the television in the corner of the building.

Marluxia: And, just their luck, they also put a red sock in with their whites.

Although they were both incredibly disturbed, Namine was also suddenly terrified, thinking about how this world would be dangerous to raise a child in.

She was pregnant. She hadn't told Cloud.

And now she was upset.

Larxene: (as Namine if she was Liza Minelli in Cabaret) GOD DAMMIT, I'M GONNA HAVE A BABY!
Lexaeus: A single word still has yet to be shared between these two.

People in Manhattan crowded the streets as television displays inside stores broadcasted footage of the terrible bombing in D.C.

Roxas: Axel gave the news stations a heads up.

Aqua and Riku pulled over and joined them.

"Oh my God," Aqua whispered.

A man around her age, who had been checking her out from behind,

Xion: *face-desk*

stepped forward and said sadly, "Yeah. It was the Heartless. Those hacker-guys. Man, they've really gone too far, huh?"

Terra: (as man) Boy howdy, this puts a wrench into my plans today. Almost as bad as a traffic jam, this is. What mildly inconvenient luck.

Aqua ignored him, grabbed Riku by the shoulder, and made him watch the crumbling obelisk.

Xion: (as Aqua) Are you looking at it?
Roxas: (as Riku) Yes, I'm looking.
Xion: (as Aqua) Are you really looking?
Roxas: (as Riku) Yes!
Xion: (as Aqua) LOOK HARDER!
Roxas: (as Riku) NO!
Xion: (as Aqua) YES!
Roxas: (as Riku) NO!
Roxas: (as Riku) LEAVE ME ALONE!
Roxas: (normal)... I think that skit got a little out of hand somewhere.

Riku did not want to watch; he felt terrible, horrified. This was like a second 9/11, which he had been around to see…as a child.

Terra: (as Narrative) Remember, audience? Remember how sad you were when real people died? Now here's fictional characters feeling sad about that and you should feel sad for them!

The beautiful dedication made for the Founding Father was now burning to the ground, a well-known icon being destroyed by men with selfish and cruel intentions.

Axel: You mean the authou—
Mog: *fluffy glare of doom*
Axel: —rity known as the Heartless in this fic?
Mog: Poor save.

"This," snarled Aqua. "Is why we need your help."

"Let me go," Riku growled menacingly, inhumanely.

She blinked, surprised, and did just that. Aqua was a strong woman, but she had never heard such malice in a voice in her entire life…and she had dealt with some extraordinarily bad people before, had she not?

Nobodies: *look to Terra*
Terra: Stop that! I was body-snatched, it's not the same thing!

Riku turned to face her, and she saw that he was not just Riku anymore; he was something else, something more. The boy's eyes had gone bloodshot, and veins in his forehead pulsed and quivered like live wires. Riku was breathing heavily through his nose, tiny sprays of nose hair shooting from each nostril with the intensity of each exhale…

Larxene: Dude, use some of those drugs to buy a nose hair trimmer. Ew.

He was a monster.

Roxas: *singing* That boy is a monster—!
Xion: *backup* Mah mah mah mah!

"I will most certainly not help you," he said, taking a step forward. Aqua took a step back. "I'm sick of being your pawn, woman, and I refuse to partake in this game any longer. I have more important matters to tend to."

Zexion: (as Riku) Like brushing up on my vocabulary!

"More…what?" Aqua shrieked. "Fighting the Heartless has been the only thing you've ever cared about! Damn it, Riku!"

Riku pushed past her and said:

"The door to the Kingdom is open. I've no time for the petty trivialities of man."

Terra: You'd think that'd be the Keyblade talking. Turns out these are fic!Riku's true colours. I told you he was unlikeable.
Zexion: (as Aqua) Thank you for the talk, Riku. I really appreciate how much that deepened both our characters.

Roxas took the elevator down after a good night's sleep. Normally when he woke up, he would feel a bit under the weather with painful crusts lining his eyes and dried drool staining his cheeks…but this morning he felt better than ever.

Larxene: *singing* Zippee-dee-do-da, zippee-dee-day! My oh my, what a murderous day!

He walked through the lounge in his black-and-white pajamas happily, only slightly peeved at how cold the floor was underneath his bare feet.

Marluxia: Then wear some damn socks.
Xion: I always find it hard to like people that are so in love with their negativity that they create problems only to complain about them.

He shuffled into the kitchen and saw Axel raiding the fridge, as fucking always."Good morning, cockface," said Roxas,

Roxas: *repeats 'Not me' like a mantra*

joining his friend in the quest to gorge himself.

"Morning," said Axel, cigarette hanging out of his mouth. "The Washington Monument fell today. The Heartless did it."

Axel: They've now accomplished more than you have this entire fic. You mad?

"Whatever. Shit happens."

Lexaeus: The plot of The Nobody Virus in three words.

"Ha! In-fucking-deed. You want some bourbon?"

"It's eleven o'clock in the fucking morning."

"Who cares?"

"Ah, good point. But I hate whiskey, man…makes my asshole bleed."

"Your asshole bleeds only because you get fucked by big burly black men on a nightly basis."

"Shut up and pour me a shot of vodka."

Larxene: Small Talk: The Revenge: The Sequel

Axel laughed mockingly; Roxas smacked him in the back of the head before entering the wonderfully-colorful dining room. Only Vexen sat in there, sipping a cup of coffee and reading the newspaper.

Xion: Where did he get that from? Vexen never leaves the Labs and I doubt the Organization would be careless enough to have newspapers delivered to their front door.
Roxas: It's cute how you still think there should be thought put into this.

Roxas sat across the table from him and asked, "What's new, Vexen? How's the Virus coming along?"

Terra: (as Roxas) How's that titular MacGuffin that we've rarely seen or heard of coming along?

Vexen glared over his newspaper and said, "The Virus should be the least of your concerns, you Rox-ass."

Zexion: I love stories where, more than a dozen chapters later, characters have experienced absolutely no growth.

"Love ya', too. Did you hear about the Washington Monument?"

"Of course," said Vexen, and pointed at the newspaper.

Lexaeus: That must have been printed two seconds ago to have that information.
Axel: (as Heartless) Hey, lady, we were watching TV last night and we thought that live coverage of a senator blowin' up was cool, so can you do the same thing for us?
Xion: (as lady) Uh, sir, this is a newspaper. We can't film anything for you.
Axel: (as Heartless) Uhhh... Is printing the news beforehand kind of the same?
Xion: (as lady) Sure. This will make complete sense later on.
Axel: (as Heartless) *thumps chest* I make the most awesome plans.
Mog: *from notes* More small talk and then Axel bursts in the room.

The pyromaniac sang happily, "As I was goin' over the far-famed Kerry mountains, I met with Captain Farrell and his money he was countin'. I first produced me pistol and I then produced me rapier, saying, "stand and deliver, for you are the bold deceiver!". Musha rig um du rum da…Whack fol the daddy-O…Whack fol the daddy-O! There's whiskey in the jar!"

Marluxia: Thank you, story, that paragraph taught me so much about the characters and the intricate plot.
Zexion: *looks at book, sighs, shuts it* I don't have the willpower anymore to mark every pointless moment.

"Son. Of. A. Bitch," growled Xigbar. "You're fucking drunk, aren't you?"

"Drunk? How offensive, Xiggy. I prefer the term 'soberly-challenged'."

Terra: So can we call every character from now on ‘humanly-challenged’?
Mog: *from notes* Pancakes!

Axel sat, and the four men ate in silence for a while. Roxas loved Xigbar's cooking, and it was a perfect way to wake up from a good night's rest. Not for the first time was he kicking back and enjoying his life as Member XIII, which he did quite frequently nowadays. His depression seemed to finally be cured, and he had grown stronger.

Roxas: That whole abusive dad thing? COMPLETELY FORGOTTEN!
Xion: Clinical depression… it's just that easy.

Vexen had been right; he was not a happy-go-lucky-kid anymore…he was an asset to the Organization.

Marluxia: You forgot to remove the “et”.

And he fucking loved it.

Roxas: No I didn't! They used me! I was nothing to them! I only joined because I didn't have a thought of my own at the time! I'M NOT RYAN!
Mog: *from notes* Vexen talks until he's asked about the Virus.

Vexen gave an exasperated look.

"We still have a while," said the intellect. "That is, to say, if this Virus doesn't kill us in the process of weaponizing it. The fetus from the mother of Roxas' fellow Keyblade-warrior is not developing as quickly as I had anticipated. Much problem with the eyes."


"Mhmm. Here, take a look at my cell phone.

(Vexen suddenly pops in)
Vexen: “Cell phone”? I would not own a cell phone! Amateurs would own a cell phone! To think that I would stoop so low as to use such a measly, useless device instead of state of the art equipment for my work is... is... is BLASPHEMY!
(He vanishes just as quickly as he arrived)
Mog: ...Aaaanyway... *from notes* Vexen passes the phone to Roxas.

The being in the picture was horrid.

Axel: It was a horrible mass of pixels because the resolution on cell phones is crap.

Clawed fingers on tiny hands scratched at the monstrosity's face. In the place of a normal mouth there were two jagged lips that appeared to be made of metal.

When he could, Roxas asked, "W-what the fuck is wrong with its mouth?"

Larxene: (as Roxas)—instead of its eyes like you just told me?
Zexion: *opens book back up* It's been too long, friend. *writes*

"His mouth. Jesus, Roxas, show our child some respect. Anyways, the cells that make up the fetus' mouth have been replaced by the programming of the Virus…giving it a metallic look."

Roxas: Why? Why does it look like that? Why do you call it a Dusk? Why are you called Organization XIII? Why is it called the Keyblade? Why is it called Kingdom Hearts? Why is anything here except for “It's from the video games, guys, this is totally a good fanfic now!”
Xion: And only our games, too. I know if I saw a baby with a zipper mouth, I'd be all “Ooh, look, Teddie!”
Mog: *from notes* Science talky!

"But the problems we may encounter once our minions have arrived will include…now, how do I put this delicately? Er, the problems we may encounter after Dusk and the others have grown will mostly include literally containing the Virus.

Terra: Tupperware is the answer to everything.

Right now, things look good; the artificial genes the Virus creates seem to recognize the DNA of Organization-members and self-destruct painlessly whenever it reaches contact.

Zexion: Hm. Mog was correct: technobabble always makes it so, despite how ridiculous it sounds.

But, like in many computer programs, there is the possibility of hidden errors. If I have missed the coding of this Virus by the smallest integer or variable, the results could be…catastrophic."

Lexaeus: ...What.
Roxas: I sense a huge rant in our immediate future.

"Meaning?" asked Xigbar.

"I would die," Vexen said simply. "The effects of the Virus would not be contained within the infants, and since I have not yet coded the responsive languages needed to make Dusk and company serve us, the Virus could go haywire while contagious and most probably kill not only us, but the entire human race."

Lexaeus: It's only now that this thought occurs to him? Now, after weeks, months, possibly even years working on this unprecedented project?
Roxas: You know, there's this set of scientific principles that says that highly complex systems like, oh, I don't know, biological warfare, can have drastically different results because of one small change in the initial conditions. It's called chaos theory. Now if ONLY Vexen knew a kid that considered himself an avid reader on the subject!
Larxene: And let's not test the Virus in a controlled environment, no! Let's ship it right off to Hawaii so that all our plans can fail so much more gloriously!
Zexion: If Vexen wanted to know that this plan would fail horribly, he should have asked our advice since chapter two. Because since chapter two we've known this plan would fail horribly. Vexen should have known this plan would fail horribly because he's working with a virus! It's in their very nature to mutate!

They sat in silence, all their minds racing furiously with the thoughts of this risk. Roxas felt queasy now. The zipper-mouthed child…the Thirteen Angels of the Apocalypse…

Axel: Who kicked out the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

well, fourteen counting Xion, sort of…

Xion: Oh thanks, boyfriend.

what if something went screwy?

Larxene: “Screwy.” You've faced off against a murdering rapist, swear every five seconds, and you say things might get “screwy”? There's not enough words in all the languages to describe how dumb you are.
Mog: *from notes* Then there's Xaldin and Xehanort on the plane. They just talk about the Washington Monument. It was boring so I skipped it!

Ienzo walked into the Washington National Cathedral, which was surprisingly deserted after such a catastrophic terrorist attack on America.

Axel: (as Ienzo) Cool, I have the church all to myself. Time for some faux waxing of religion!
Mog: *from notes* Yep, sure is empty.

Funny, he thought. How all of Aqua's men get knee-deep in shit. How the tables have turned…

Roxas: (as Ienzo) Adele told me to say goodbye to turning tables. Why didn't I listen before it was too late?
Xion: (as Ienzo) Next time I'll be braver! Next time I'll be my own saviour!

That scared him into coming here. If there was a God, and there was an afterlife, he was, again, royally fucked. To be murdered by a bunch of fucking computer geeks and then getting ass-raped by demons in Hell for eternity was definitely a lose-lose scenario. And if he were to die on the spot, the Big Guy in the Sky would have no problem with sending him to the ol' fiery pit of eternal damnation.

Terra: You can't do that! You can't dedicate a paragraph to a character fearing for their immortal soul and then insert... humour? Is that what that was?
Axel: Nope, all that was was the writer grinding everything to a halt so they could slap you in the face and shout, “Look at me, look at my STYLE! Pay attention to ME!”

The priest was gone, too. Ienzo was totally alone. Alone, and in the most frightening position he had ever been stuck in in his life.

Terra: (as Ienzo) “Take over D.C.” she said. “Sure,” I said. "Sounds like fun," I said. “What could possibly go wrong?” I said.

Aqua tried to call him. He threw his phone into the sewers as he walked here. He was done.

Xion: But on the bright side you’ll never have to pay another phone bill ever again.

He wanted no more association with her or anyone else from this horrible existence as a criminal…even though it was what he had loved most, always.

Marluxia: All… what, two days of being a criminal?

There was a cross against one of the stone walls, and good old Jeebuz was mounted upon it like a bizarre scarecrow.

Zexion: You know, if you spelled His name correctly He might like you more.
Axel: Or the fic thought “No, all that death and drama was TOO interesting! We need to completely kill the moment.”
Terra: Remember that simile from earlier? I want to take it somewhere far away and find it a good home.

Ienzo sank to his knees.

"Dear, Father," he said, choking on sobs. "Please forgive me. I know I have sinned. There is no excuse for what I have done to people Jerkbutt…Leon…those guys never did anything to me.

Roxas: (as Ienzo) Makes me question what the point of that side-story was, actually.
Xion: The Jerkbutt story is its own self-contained bubble of uselessness.

Before I was just small-time…" He fired up. "It was Aqua, Lord! Aqua's the mastermind!

Larxene: (as Ienzo) It was Callahan, the big one, he did this to me!

She promised me money and power…how could I resist? She's the real killer…not me!"

Axel: (as Ienzo) She shot Cyrus!
Mog: *from notes* Hey, look! Cyber-Mclean is back!

"W-who are you?" demanded Ienzo, raising his weapon.

Larxene: (as McLean) Silly, that’s what I am.

The young man smiled, showing glittering gold teeth.

Axel: Diz gave McLean some bling.

He pulled out his own pistol with a metallic hand.

"You sound surprised to see me," said the man. "Why is that? Were you not coming here to repent, because you feared for your life? Were you not fearing for your life because the Heartless are going to be in control of all that is underground soon?"

Roxas: (as Ienzo) Er, no?
Axel: (as McLean) Were you not surprised to see a ro—Hey, you were supposed to say “yes”! Dangit, you ruined the speech I spent an hour preparing.

"You're a Heartless?" whispered Ienzo. "You?"

"Me. You sound surprised.”

Axel: (as McLean) Were you NOT surprised to see a robot man in a realistic fanfic?

"You're…just a kid."

"Hey, fuck you.

Larxene: Oh, wonderfully mature, McLean. Thanks for the laugh, though.
Mog: *from notes* And then a bowling ball explodes.

"Please," begged Ienzo. "Please don't kill me."

Terra: (as McLean) Dead or alive, you’re coming with me.

"What?" Metal-Face mocked. "You don't want to die in a church? It's the house of God, man! You're sure to get a ticket to Heaven now!"

Roxas: (as McLean) Enjoy the free ride! Everyone else has to do all that loving thy neighbor junk.

"No, no, no," begged Ienzo. "Please, man, please…let's think this through…"

Zexion: (as Ienzo) I haven't had a chance to justify being brought into this story. All I did was kill off two entirely worthless characters.

"My boss is having a meeting with your boss as we speak. She'll be doing a lot of thinking today, after what he does to her.

Terra: *groan* Is Mog going to be skipping another pointless scene of violence towards women?
Mog: Nope, and even I'm a bit surprised on that one. Actually, Diz and Aqua barely have time to chat about the W.M. blowin' up before Xehanort interrupts with a Skype call. Then all three of them go *sing-song* "My gang's better than your gang, my gang's twice as boring as yours is!"

Why should I give you, a fucking mindless drone, time to think?"

Ienzo had never been shot before, but had found that getting a bullet to the stomach by no means tickled.

Roxas: It pickled!
Larxene: It sickled!
Axel: It Ricked and Rolled!

He squealed like a little girl,

Xion: Even in death people are sexist.

grabbing at the hole in his torso.

Zexion: Most readers of this story can only figuratively say this fic killed their childhood right in front them...

Metal-Face raised the pistol again, but stopped when the sounds of police sirens rang from outside. Through the stained glass were flashes of blue and red.

"Shit. You're fucking lucky," said Metal-Face.

Ienzo laughed and said, "I knew it; you're just a fucking kid. Shitty face or not, that's all you are."

"Fuck you, you worthless piece of shit. Do you know who I am?"

"A circus freak?"

That pissed him off, and Ienzo knew it.

Terra: I have to give Ienzo some respect here. He knows he’s about to die but he tries to have some fun about it.

"Really amusing, but no; I'm Pete McLean."

Marluxia: (as Ienzo) You are aware that name means nothing to me, right?
Larxene: (as McLean) Well, to fill you in, I was brought back from the dead by some unexplained magical science.
Marluxia: (as Ienzo) Okay, now your name means nothing to me, and I find you unintentionally hilarious.

Ienzo saw the pistol rise again, and quickly scrambled up towards the monument to Christ on the wall before him. The retort came shortly after the impact of the bullet hit him in the back of the head, and Ienzo fell face-first. Pete hurried out.

Xion: *waves* Byee! Have fun disappearing from the story for the next several chapters!

When the cops found the body later, they discovered it reaching for the deity hanging on the wall.

Axel: (as cop) *stereotypically Irish* Oi, that's some nice symbolism there, that is, Bob.
Roxas: (as other cop) *also Irish* Aye it is, Kevin, it is. I jus' love religious symbolism, I do. De use of de cross for hope and salvation along with de placement o' de body denied redemption, is jus' art, it is.

Although Club Heartless had been near-destroyed by the pink-haired monster, Diz and his closest "friends", as he called them, still used the building as a home base. Computers were now set up at the bar, with his men sitting at them and looking up the response to the immense amount of damage they had done to the United States today.

"'ey, Diz!" cried Greg Coy, a fat and obnoxious yet brilliant computer hacker Diz had employed. "They shut down YouTube! Can ye' believe that shit!"

Roxas: (as Coy) And I was right in the middle of watching a really heart-warming video, too!

Diz smiled and nodded before taking a sip from his glass mug of beer. Yes, he knew all about the major sites being closed down…which, of course, would upset the majority of the population here in America, which would then cause the whole system to spiral into an eternal chaos. Oh, yes, the Heartless had made history today, and Diz was rather proud.

Terra: (as Diz) Hoorah, I did something that distracts people I have no connection to my true identity of Ansem. Dubious morality, who needs that?

The doors to the club opened and in came Pete McLean, face grotesque and metallic, mechanical eyeball twitching maniacally, golden teeth on the right side of his mouth bared and sharp. Many of Diz's men gasped in shock at the sight of this monstrosity, with the exception of Coy, who had helped operate on the boy.

Axel: (as Coy) Don't look so surprised, guys, it's only an undead cyborg man. You'd think that'd be a dumbass plot twist or something.

"Hello, sir," said Pete to Diz, taking a seat on the booth opposite of his lifesaver. "Ienzo is dead. I had to haul ass outta there, though, and evade the police, which explains my delay."

Diz dismissed the apology with a warm smile and a wave of the hand.

"No matter, Petey," said Diz kindly.

Marluxia: (as McLean) I swear to Christ, if you call me that again—
Larxene: (as Diz) Asimov’s Law, can’t get mad!

"Sir!" cried Chris Moloch,

Xion: Moloch the Mystic?
Zexion: This is now the third character named Chris or Christopher.
Mog: Um, actually there was another one. One of Andrew Hall's kids was named Chris.
Zexion: Fourth!
Mog: Oh, and there was that foster father Chris Hart, wasn’t there?
Zexion: FIFTH!

one of the men on the computers at the bar. Moloch was a dark-haired, pale youth with a genius mind in cinematography, and Diz always made sure to have him in charge of the cameras in whatever building he entered.

Larxene: Diz stops at a gas station for a piss, twenty cameras have to follow him in.

"She's here! She's coming down the street!"

Xion: (as Moloch) She gets the funniest looks from everyone she meets!
Everyone: HEY HEY!
Mog: *from notes* And people say Diz and Aqua and Xehanort are monkeying around!

19: Blue Stars

Mog: We have an 11, 000 word chapter now. Just keep tellin' yourselves it's almost over! *from notes* Anyhoo, we’re with Aqua right now who’s worried about Isa’s arrest.

So she devised a plan to break Isa out of jail. Isa had called Hayner

Roxas: So all my friends are just being reduced to plot devices. Nice to know.

and sent him to her with a blueprint of the police station and a small box of explosive fireworks.

Xion: (as Aqua) Aww, what a sweetheart. He knows my subplot so well.

The label read 'Alex and Lea's: Go out with a BANG!' Aqua smiled inwardly, and immediately set to work, rigging the small fireworks to police cars. The box had instructions written on the side, and Aqua frowned at how easily she was doing this. Even if she wasn't a criminal, she shouldn't have been able to set up explosives as easily as she had.

Zexion: Pointing out the ridiculousness of the story does sadly not make it any less ridiculous.

But, she finished setting up her trap and entered the police station. It was busier than usual, people running about mindlessly, screaming about murders and rape.


Aqua wasn't concerned though.

Terra: Yeah, why would she care about people like her being hurt. She's only a Keyblade Master, she only goes constantly out of her way to help people, she's only the most awesome person that ever lived!

She approached the police officer at the front desk and leaned over the counter, smiling seductively. "Hi," Aqua hummed. "I was wondering if you could help me."

Roxas: (as Aqua) I'm looking for the real me, and it would make sense it's being held prisoner so I came here.

The officer blushed, feeling instantly that carnal desire rise in his chest and that tingling in his loins.

Xion: And the sexism continues.
Axel: Keep staying one-dimensional, extras! You're doing a great job!

"Uhh, sure. What do you need?"

Aqua glanced to the side and saw Isa sitting in a cage.

Roxas: They'd placed him in a doggy kennel.

He had seen her and was preparing himself for his escape. Aqua looked back at the officer. He was shifting uncomfortably in his seat, trying to hide his erection. It was obvious he hadn't seen a beautiful woman in a long time because he was being so blunt about his stares and stutters.

Zexion: The fic as a whole treats every female character like she’s the last woman on Earth to ever find attractive, makes sense he would too.

"I think I saw someone on the corner," Aqua said softly. "They looked like they were carrying a bomb. I just thought I'd let you know."

The officer froze, going limp instantly

Axel: He's the only person in this fic without a hard-on for violence.

as he stared at Aqua. She was smiling back, but it was sly and intimidating. He called another officer to the desk and exited the station. Aqua looked after him, and not even a minute later, intense waves of sound blasted through the brick and fire ate up all the paper in sight. Police officers scrambled, trying to get each other out of the flames and howling in pain. Aqua grabbed the keys off another officer's desk and opened the cell door.

Lexaeus: She'd borrowed Vanitas’ Plot Proof jacket to survive the explosion.

The misdemeanor criminals inside didn't move right away. They feared Aqua. They had seen he enter the police station, and they feared that she would kill them as easily as she had killed those officers without a second thought.

Terra: This.
Xion: Is.
Roxas: Not.
Axel: What.
Zexion: Her.
Lexaeus: Character.
Marluxia: Is.
Larxene: Like.
Roxas: Why do fics keep trying to do this when it's never worked? You can't take someone that believed in hope and perseverance—a person that actually deals with their hardships instead of lashing out in selfish retaliation—you can't take all that and decide “No, that's not DEEP enough for me, my story needs something entirely different!”
Xion: Sure, having a character that is simply carefree about everything can also make for a flat or unrealistic character, but going from one extreme—super happy all the time— to the other —super grim all the time—does not add any nuance.
Terra: So quit it!

Isa stood up and left the cage.

Xion: (as Isa) Thank you for rescuing me! I never had the patience for kennel training.

"Listen up!" Aqua cried over the sound of fire alarms and cried of desperation. "You are free to do what ever you please now. I have come here on the behalf of Someone. This Someone demands that you kill any and all Heartless. Steal from them, rape their wives and sisters, and crush their spines."

Terra: *silent*
Roxas: Uh-oh.
Terra: *still silent as darkness forms around him*
Xion: This isn't good.
Terra: *Keyblade*
(All the Nobodies dive out of the way as Terra, with a cry of rage and revenge, leaps from his seat and starts attacking the projection screen.)

Terra: *collapses*
Xion: *peeks up from under desk* I think he's pretty much burned out.
Roxas: *sits back in seat* I didn't even know a screen could catch on fire twice.
Mog: *pulls down a new projection screen over the old one* I'll let him sleep for now, but when he wakes up, he's paying me back for that. At least I got some good foley for that. We could start using sound effects sometime soon!

Isa smiled and followed Aqua out of the crumbling building. The structure itself was so old, it fell without effort. Colorful sparks were shooting everywhere, and Aqua disappeared without a trace. Not even her Heartless tails saw her leave,

Larxene: (as Heartless) Look at the fireworks! Ooooooooh. Ahhhhhhh.
Zexion: *twitch* Now they use a comma. At the end of a paragraph.

Isa laughed as Aqua handed him a gun. "So, where are we off to?"

Aqua stared out the window.

Marluxia: Some glass panes were being moved around at the time.
Lexaeus: Throughout all that description, there was no room left to mention she is now in her car.
Mog: *from notes* We’re going to Miami!

Sora was nervous.

Larxene: He’d been gone from the story so long that he worried the audience forgot about His Royal Blandness.

And it became increasingly obvious that his nervousness was getting the better of him more often. It was beginning to annoy him, how it crept up on him more and more frequently, leaving his mind defenseless to his unrequited fears. And that knot in his stomach that just would not ease.

Zexion: Look at the beautiful paragraph, informing us of traits we have never and will never see.
Mog: *from notes* Goofy plans to talk about plans.

Sora nodded. He didn't want to hurt Demyx. But he was bad. And bad people deserved to be punished, right?

Axel: Nice Care Bears logic there.

Sora wasn't so sure anymore, and he wished Riku was there. Riku would be able to clear that up for him in a heartbeat.

Roxas: (as Sora) Tell me how to feel, Riku, I have no brain of my own.

Demyx whimpered louder, and, to Sora, it sounded soulless. Fake. A clever ruse to gain sympathy.

Larxene: Sora is an expert on this subject.

And it was working.

Marluxia: However, Sora consistently fails at this part.
Mog: *from notes* They go to a warehouse where Sora has to get some info out of Demyx.

Demyx straightened up and struggled against his binds. "Who's there?"

Sora opened his mouth, but he knew he was going to sound unsure of himself, so he closed his mouth and took a couple of deep breaths before speaking. "You've done some horrible things."

Axel: (as Demyx) Oh yeah? Name one.
Roxas: (as Sora) …Fudge.

Demyx trembled. Sora figured that if he could place himself somewhere else in his mind, he would be able to pull this little act of his off without having to hurt the puny rock star.

Xion: (as Sora) Away to occipital lobe I go!

He had to become like Riku. Tough and unbreakable. A gangster. Someone much more powerful than he was.

Roxas: (as Sora) I hate you. Let’s be friends.
Xion: (as Demyx) What? That makes no sense.
Roxas: (as Sora) Yay! I am like Riku!

"You took something from us." Sora said. "Something very important."

"I don't know what you're talking about," Demyx cried. "You've got the wrong guy. I swear."

"Stop talking."

Larxene: (as Goofy) No, your job was to get him talking, not stop him talking! Ugh, you suck at this.

Demyx quieted and Sora could hear the distinct sound of sobbing. He reached for the bag over his head, but he thought better of it. If Demyx saw it was only a kid talking to him, he would never find out what it is that he wanted. He had to change his questioning.

"The Washington Monument." Sora growled. "Your group attacked it."


"You heard the radio just like I did!" Sora yelled.

Axel: Boy, sure would have been nice if we’d been around for that scene.
Zexion: But of course we wouldn’t want to see how each character reacts to tragedy or how they comforted each other in this trying time. It’s much better to simply say it happened and they were sad but not anymore.

He thought he sounded convincing, and it even scared him how angry he was. "The Heartless! They attacked the Monument! You attacked the Monument!"

Xion: (as Sora) You hit a high note and made it come crumbling down! Confess! I’ve heard what fantastic range you have!

"No!" Demyx screamed. "Not me! I'm not a Heartless!"

Sora smiled, then frowned again.

Marluxia: He successfully cycled through all two of his emotions.

Demyx confessed that he wasn't a Heartless. Then, what was he?

Roxas: Lying? I mean, I know he isn’t, but you shouldn’t be so sure.

"Who do you work for?"

"That's none of your business." Demyx said. "I'll never tell you, child."

Sora gasped. How did he know?

"What?" Demyx asked, gaining a strange confidence. It was like he was mocking him. "You think I don't know when I'm talking to a child? How old are you? Twelve?"

Larxene: For some reason I’m starting to like Demyx. He’s got moxy.

Sora stuttered. "S-S-Seventeen. How did you know I was…?"

Demyx laughed. "You've got to be kidding me! Jesus Christ, kidnapped by a kid. Zexion would love this.

Zexion: I feel a bit irked, to be honest with you.

Listen, you should let me go. Before very bad things happen to you."

"I can't let you go." Sora said.

"Not even if I said please?" Demyx whined. "Oh, shit."

"Tell me…"

Demyx relaxed more. "What do you want to know? I'm not a Heartless. That's grounds enough to let me go."

"You were driving a van." Sora started. He was beginning to boil.

Xion: Someone lift Sora’s top before he boils over.

Demyx was getting under his skin, but he wasn't quite sure what was bothering him, or why it was bothering him so much.

"Lots of people drive vans." Demyx answered.

"At the hotel…"

"I've been to a lot of hotels."

Larxene: Yup, definitely liking Demyx so far.
Mog: *from notes* Sora gets mad so Goofy takes him away.

Goof cracked his knuckles. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

Don nodded. "But, my dear friend, please allow me."

Everyone: *looks to Mog*
Mog: Skip?
Roxas: Yes please.
Mog: *throws pages everywhere* Demyx starts talking.

Demyx swallowed quickly, and he spoke without pauses. The faster he spilled the beans, the faster he could escape.

Xion: (as Demyx) Do you know the muffin man?
Roxas: (as Goofy) The muffin man? Who lives on Drury Lane?

"The Organization XIII. Thirteen of the scariest motherfuckers you've never heard of.

Marluxia: Though once you do hear of them, you realize they’re not scary at all.
Axel: Milky. Wilky.

Nobodies in the eyes of society. Yes, we took your parents. Yes, we experimented on them. They're dead. But, it wasn't me. I didn't do it."

"Who's the leader?" Goofy asked.

Xion: (as Demyx) She's married to the muffin man.

"Dr. Christopher Xehanort!" Demyx cried.

Axel: (as Demyx) Doesn’t it just SOUND like the beholder of true evil?
Xion: Christopher doesn’t say “leader of world destroyers.” To me, it says “I’m best friends with Winnie the Pooh.”

"He's the brains behind this. He chose us. I don't know why, but he did."

"What are your plans?"

Zexion: (as Demyx) Mostly we plan to drive the world insane by forcing them to read this egregious story. It's already working.

"We made a virus. One that could kill everything." Demyx's worried frown twisted into a smile the Cheshire Cat would envy. "So we couldn't be stopped when we made it to Kingdom Hearts. So we could be invincible!"

Goofy was taken aback by the sudden viciousness in Demyx's voice. "Why were you chosen for this 'Organization XIII'? You don't strike me as the evil type."

Roxas: (as Goofy) You’re like the diet coke of evil— one calorie just not evil enough.

Demyx laughed. "I've killed my fair share of worthless men. Those who defile Earth's most sacred beauty. I drowned them in their own misery and made them drink salt water for eternity. And then I wrote a song about it."

Marluxia: (as Goofy) That sounds like a really thin excuse to insert a backstory for you later on.
Larxene: (as Demyx) Yeah, it’ll be really fun to repeat all this in wordy exposition, won’t it?

"You disgust me." Sora said.

Demyx looked at him. "Well, I'm sorry your little world isn't as perfect as you'd like. I didn't raise you with rose colored glasses. It's a scary world out there. And I'm not even the worst one."

Sora made a move forward, but held himself back for Kairi's sake. When Demyx told them that they had experimented on his parents and killed them, his first emotion wasn't sadness or fear, but a deranged hatred. A hatred that, if left unchecked, could make him a spiteful, revenge seeking murderer. And he didn't want to scare Kairi more than she already was. He didn't think that she had prepared herself for such unfortunate circumstances. And neither did he.

Lexaeus: So his reaction to finding out his parents were brutally murdered was to make sure he had no reaction lest his girlfriend see he had emotions?
Axel: Are we sure Sora isn’t one of the otherwordly aliens? Because he certainly ain’t human.
Mog: *from notes* Luxord calls up to say he’ll be in the next chapter. *looks over notes* Wowee, that’s a lot of words. Um, so, some phone conversation, some leaving Demyx in the warehouse, some Riku decorating the computer store from the beginning, and finally some Sora finding him all crazy-eyed.

"Riku!" Sora cried. He didn't approach his friend because even he could see something was wrong. "What's wrong?"

Zexion: Redundancy or contradiction. I can't decide.

"The door to the Kingdom is open, Sora!" Riku barked.

Roxas: (as Riku) Woof woof woof!
Xion: Aww, does li'l Riku wanna go for a walkie? Okay, let's get your leash and head out the door!

He turned back to the computer and scribbled more numbers. "We must prepare!"

Axel: (as Riku) I have a math test tomorrow! Quick, be my study buddy!


"We must forget the trivialities of man, Sora." Riku continued. "They had their chance, and they have missed it. We must prepare, or we will lose out as well."

Sora took a tentative step forward. The Keyblade grew hot in his hand, and he almost dropped it, but he knew that would be a fatal mistake.

Marluxia: So let your hand burn off instead.

"We have to go, Riku. Kairi's waiting for us outside. We got them. Demyx, he told us everything."

Riku didn't move. "Demyx is just a pawn, Sora. He is not important.

Roxas: (as Riku) Now if he were a rook or a bishop, then I would care. Or a knight, I love those little guys and their L-shaped paths.

He is useless to us. I have what we need. The codec. I have it."

Xion: (as Riku) The DivX codec! I can finally encode my videos in a more convenient file size!

Sora glanced around at the walls. The holograms displayed the data, and it moved together flawlessly. To, Sora, it seemed to merge together into simple shapes, and the shapes combined to make charts and blueprints. Blueprints for Keyblades, energy containment devices, and machines that were far more advanced than anything the Government could even conceptualize. It was amazing.

Larxene: Sora began drooling as he was distracted by all the shiny.

Riku motioned to the numbers. "You see? They are trying to help us, Sora. They are giving us a chance to get there on our own. We must prepare for it!"

Roxas: (as Riku) Quick, Sora! Get two coconuts, three fish, one seagull egg, three mushrooms, and a single bottle of water to share among three people!

Sora was tempted, but the thought of Kairi outside broke that temptation.

Axel: Why, would she have to stay behind as you guys went “there”? Does Kingdom Hearts have a big ‘No Girls Allowed’ sign on its door?
Mog: *from notes* And then Riku’s all like “GRRRR I’M NOT CRAZY!” and then they start fighting.

"We need to prepare, Sora!" Riku roared. "You must prepare!"

Xion: (as Riku) We haven’t even made the raft! We’re not ready to find new worlds yet!

Sora cried out as the Keyblade sent a shock up his arm. It almost reached his brain, but Riku choked him.

"Oh, no you don't!"

Axel: (as Riku) *three snaps in a Z formation*

Riku pressed his forearm across Sora's throat. "You're not going anywhere."

The fire subsided and Sora was beginning to lose consciousness when Kairi smashed Riku over the head with a broken shelf.

Xion: *throws hands up* WHOO! GO KAIRI!
Zexion: He made the mistake of calling her “Carrots”.

Riku was unfazed, but he spun around, distracted by such a rash move.

Marluxia: Hugging her friend and returning his body to him, or smashing a shelf over her friend’s head? *weighs options* Yes, I can see which one is more relevant to her character.
Xion: *hopping up and down* But she did something! She did a verb!

Sora gasped for air, and shoved the Keyblade into Riku's side.

Larxene: Burning his stomach like with Amber will solve everything!

Riku locked up and fell face first on the floor.

Larxene: Or it’ll just do that.
Zexion: The Keyblade’s an inconsistent little bugger, isn’t it?

He twitched subtly, and spit out a metallic looking marble. Sora sat up and scrambled backwards as the metallic marble slid across the floor. The Keyblade burned hotter, and Sora tried to get to his feet, but the metallic marble

Axel: Did you guys get it's a marble? Do you remember it's a marble? You must have the attention span of a gnat so let me tell you again about the marble. It's a marble!

connected with the other-worldly weapon and a beam of light shot from Keyblade's side. The button on the side blinked a harsh red before it calmed to a blissful green.

It was ready for something.

Roxas: A spaceship will be arriving any day now to take proof of life on Earth back to the surviving humans. And maybe a cute romance between two robots will start up.

Sora looked at Kairi. She had dropped her makeshift weapon and was crying silently. She had just attacked the one person who had been there for her in her times of most need.

Xion: *suddenly has a loooong piece of paper in front of her* A list of all that Riku has done thus far: *ahem* Was responsible for getting Kairi kicked out onto the streets, ignored her only wish of not “repaying” her— twice— abandons her every chance he gets, as backed by the club scene, the hotel, and the last few chapters, and never talks to her. Conclusion: Bad friend.

And she wasn't even worried about him.

Roxas: Good! See how he likes it for once!

She was much more concerned with Sora, and when she had pulled herself together, she helped Sora to his feet. The Keyblade had stopped burning and returned to its gentle hum. Sora put it in his pocket and turned to Kairi.

"There's something wrong with him."

Mog: You broke my sarcasm meter with that one. *from notes* Scene’s over, time to go.

Goofy sped away.

Xion: Not in the van, mind. He actually took off running to get back to his in-character self.

The van was full of food and water bottles. Sora frowned inwardly. He didn't like how things were starting to turn out.

Axel: (as Sora) Stuff's actually happening now and I got to react to it? This is hard!

Things were getting far too complicated. More in depth.

Lexaeus: Complicated and complex are not the same thing.
Axel: Try telling the fic that, it apparently missed the memo.

More enemies. More obstacles. It was beginning to get to be too much. He wasn't sure if he was going to be able to take it without cracking for much longer.

Lexaeus: *pats shoulder* Remember what the moogle said, it will soon be over.
Zexion: *head meets desk* No. From now on, I will be staring at this desk because that is somehow less painful.
Lexaeus: *hand still on Zexion's shoulder* He'll be fine. Let's move on without him.
Mog: *gives Zexion a concerned look* If you say so, kupo. *from notes* They go get Demyx who tries to escape the story.

Sora brandished the Keyblade out. It connected with Demyx's side, and two things happened at once. First, Demyx locked up and cried out in pain. Black liquid stained his veins, shooting up to his face, and permanently setting in. His skin burned, and it filmed over with a waxy substance. And half of his face was lined with dark indications of where his veins were. And he collapsed.

Xion: Y'know, I'm aware it's an alien device and all, but it's getting a bit annoying how the Keyblade can do pretty much whatever the story needs it to at the time and only at that time.
Axel: Do you feel like alien paint is rushing through your veins? There's a trope page for that.

Second, Sora clutched his head, screamed at the top of his lungs and fell to the ground, writhing beside Demyx's motionless body.

Larxene: It pleases me that he’s in pain. I consider it payback.

His eyes rolled into the back of his head, and his brain was once again barraged by visions.


The Great Barrier Reef in Australia was by far one of the most beautiful oceanic views one could see in his life time.

Roxas: Wow.
Xion: Mm.
Roxas: Wow.
Xion: Mm-hmm.
Roxas: …Wow.
Xion: Yes, Marlin. I, no, I see it. It's beautiful.
Roxas: So, Coral, when you said you wanted an ocean view, you didn't think you were going to get the whole ocean, did you?
Mog: *from notes* Meet Damien Taylor. He loves the ocean and music.

His teachers praised him for his talent, and even signed him up for music competitions all across Australia.

Zexion: Despite living in Australia his entire life, Demyx is never once mentioned to hold an accent. I’ll assume all of these backstories were retconned in and enjoy being British while staring at this desk.

He had eventually made it to the Sydney Opera House, where he was appreciated by hundreds of thousands of people.

Axel: (as Damien) Omigod, the horror! People like and admire me!

However, as time passed, Damien would forget his talents in search of something much more for his life. He didn't like that people wanted him for his music. His music was never for them.

Roxas: That’s why he got himself a record deal. Duh.

It was for Her. And they could never understand that. They could never understand the love for the ocean he had, and they were mocking him by claiming him as one of the most prominent musicians of his time. He was not. He was singing the ocean's song, and they wanted to give the credit to him.

Xion: Wow. Demyx has achieved the impossible. He is his own hipster.
Larxene: (as Damien) I liked me BEFORE I was popular!

This made him angry inside. Churned his guts to the point of almost insanity. He would beg people to love the ocean's songs, not his.

Axel: (as Damien) Omigod, the horror! People misintepret my work! I’m the only artist this has ever happened to!

They ignored his pleas, and thrust him into the spotlight once again, where he would desperately try to return to the same beach he had grown up on. But, his fame would not allow that. He had to keep up with the people's demand, and when he failed, they ostracized him.

Lexaeus: From what I can see, he has no contract to anyone, so he could simply leave and pursue his art for personal reasons instead of complaining about others.
Larxene: (as Damien) I may be a hippie wave-hugger, but I'm still a slave to capitalism. Gimme all your hard-earned dollars while I sneer down my nose at you, sheeple!

After a particularly horrible performance,

Zexion: Kangaroos, echidnas, and even koalas stormed the Opera House to chuck rotten tomatoes at him.
Roxas: You know you’re a jerk when even a koala gets up the energy to throw things at you.
Xion: Even the Easter bilby got a kick or two in.

Damien trudged down to the beach on his hands and knees, begging the ocean to forgive his infidelities.

Axel: (as ocean) Oh Poseidon, it's that whiny emo kid again. I keep telling him to leave and he comes back anyway! Okay, new plan, just ignore him and he'll go away.
Mog: *from notes* A drunk couple starts bothering him.

Damien looked up, wiping the tears from his face. He had to show some sort of dignity to his fellow man, though he was beginning to detest them more and more. "Please, leave me alone. I am trying to find my peace."

Marluxia: (as Damien) You don’t understand the pain of being popular and financially well-off.

"Peace?" The man belched. "In the ocean? What? You tryin' to fuck it?"

Axel: I’m starting to think so.

Damien shook his head and spat at the man. "Fuck you. You know nothing about Her. She is bigger than you! Show some respect!"

"Fuck me?" The man barked. He ran to the water's edge and unzipped his pants.

Xion: (as man) Be back to talk trash with you in a sec! Oh man, why didn’t I go before we left?

"Fuck you, and your little ocean." As he peed into the water, he laughed at the top of his lungs. "You see? I'm giving your little girlfriend a golden shower. What do you think about that?"

Larxene: Not much. People pee at the beach all the time.
Mog: *from notes* As per usual, people fight.

After a few minutes, their battle was over, and Damien stood up, soaked. The man was floating like a dead fish, his eyes and mouth open in shock. His girlfriend had fled as soon as she knew her boyfriend was going to lose that fight. But Damien didn't care. He took his place at the water's edge, placing his feet in the gentle ripples and resting his body on the sand. And the ocean seemed to ripple a little more forcefully, as if to show gratitude.

Roxas: …So is that it? As far as Demyx’s troubles go, this is the worst he ever had to deal with?
Larxene: Because some guy pissed in the ocean, Demyx joins a group that’s all about the world being awful. What bullcrap is this? Fish piss in the ocean. Whales piss in the ocean. Sharks piss in the ocean. And you know what, they shit in the ocean too! If you have a problem with the excretion system, take it up with your beloved Mother Nature!
Mog: *from notes* Surprise, he gets arrested! But it’s okay cuz Xehanort’s there to break him out and he lived happily ever after.



Sora opened his eyes, and he was hit with a massive headache. Kairi was kneeling over him, and she wavered in and out of focus. She sounded concerned, but she didn't touch him.

"Sora…I think you might have…Don says you're going to be…Goofy, you have to help…"

Roxas: Allow me to fill in the blanks. (as Kairi) Sora, some bad news. I think you might have been the wrong choice for a main character. Don says you’re going to be dropped out soon and replaced with someone more proactive. Oh, and Goofy, you have to help me find my role in the story because I still don’t have one yet.

Sora couldn't focus on Kairi's voice.

Axel: (as Sora) Loins have no reaction. Can’t focus on girl.

He could hear her, and her words would slur together, forming sentences that didn't make sense to him.

Marluxia: Things don’t make sense to Sora on a good day.

He blinked slowly for a few more minutes before he fell into the safety of his completely blank mind.

Roxas: (as Sora) Whoa, are we in my brain right now? It’s big. I must be smart!

And, there, he rested.

Xion: In little footy pajamas.
Mog: *from notes* Say hello to Mr. Bradshaw, head of Aqua’s company. He’s tricked into saying who and where Aqua is. Say goodbye to Mr. Bradshaw, because he’s gone now. And say hello to a good ol’ fashioned break!
[to be continued...]
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