thelectureroom: Mog! (Default)
[personal profile] thelectureroom
Title: The Nobody Virus
Author: hajikurazaki19 and DeadShut
Rating: One for the terrible-and-we-mean-Terrible writing, one for the horribly boring characters, one for the sexism (OMIGAWD THE SEXISM), one for the needless and graphic violence, and one just to let you know that this entire fic is devoid of any entertainment value whatsoever. You have been warned.
Full Name (including any titles): Ryan “Roxas” Hall, Sora O’Reily. (There's a million more, but they're not worth remembering.)
Full Species(es): Scum of the earth.
Hair Color (include adjectives): The quick summary for this part is to say that sometimes hair is same as canon, sometimes it’s something entirely different. There is never any good reason for either.
Eye Color (include adjectives): The most memorable colour is green. Why is it memorable? You’ll see.
Unusual Markings/Colorations/Physical Features: *shrugs*
Special Possessions (if any): Sora has a fancy stick masquerading as the Keyblade in one pocket and seemingly an Idiot Ball in the other, because incompetence like his has to be in tangible form. The story itself also has a weird love/hate relationship with Italy.

Origin: Frank Miller’s Guide to Fanfiction (with a foreword by Alan Moore)
Connections To Canon Characters: Stole their names. And then killed them to hide the evidence.
Special Abilities: Hallucinating others into believing anyone's had character development or changed in any way whatsoever.
Other Annoying Traits: Let’s save you some time and compress the answer down to “Everything not mentioned above.”

I Say/Notes:

Part One
Part Two
Part Three
Part Four
Part Five
Part Six

WARNING FOR more violence against women yaaaaaay. Also, more sexual assault, this time with an adult woman trying to get it on with an underage boy.

11: Acceptance

Riku sat across from Mick, fingers interlaced, chin resting on tired hands. Mick stared back at him in the same fashion. They were in a restaurant, but they sat several tables apart. Sora sat next to him, holding a cell phone under the table.

Lexaeus: They'd decided to be as conspicuously inconspicuous as possible.

"There's something we need to clear up before we continue, Mick," Riku whispered solemnly.

"I'm listening," Mick said just as softly.

Larxene: (as Riku) Why the hell are we sitting so weird?
Roxas: (as Riku) Wouldn't your house be a lot safer to discuss our plans instead of telling the entire restaurant what we're doing?
Marluxia: (as Riku) If Kairi serves no purpose in the story then why does she even need to be here?

Riku shifted. "I was offered a job."


"Riku sighed. "I took it…or I want to take it.

Roxas: (as Riku) If I give you worse news first, the bad news doesn't sound so bad.

But, I'm not sure how wise that would be."


Mick shuffled the cell phone and placed it on the table. "Okay, I understand. That's your call, Riku. Just let me know when you make a decision."

Riku smiled. "I'm gonna have to do some bad shit. Don't hate me for it."

Axel: (as Mouse) Can't make any promises.

Mick chuckled. "That's the way life is. You do what you need to.

Marluxia: But only in New York.
Roxas: So what do we do in D.C.?
Axel: Fight Super Mutants.

Now I have something for you."

Riku nodded. "Go ahead."

Kairi sat down beside him, just as a waitress placed four plates of food in front of him.

Riku looked up at her. "Excuse me, we only have a party of three."

The waitress glanced down. "Yeah, but a guy named Jerkbutt called and said he had a reservation with you.

Xion: How kind of the waitress to instantly believe him and not check with the other three.
Roxas: *to Terra* It's nice to know that our Keyblade Master to be is oh-so mature.
Terra: I just told Mog to change the name, I didn't tell him what word to pick.

He said, the table with the thug, the doughy brown haired one, and a bitch with red hair. You're the only ones who fit that description." She paused. "Though I'm sure you're nice people."

Marluxia: You haven't known them as long as we have.
Roxas: To be fair, it's hard for cardboard boxes to be anything but nice.

Riku growled softly. "Motherfucker."

"Is everything okay?"

Zexion: (as Riku) Not so far, Disembodied Voice.

The waitress left the table. Riku clenched his fists. "Not anymore. But, go. Quickly before he comes."

Mick coughed. "I was looking into some old documents about an incident that happened in Roswell, New Mexico.

Larxene: (as Riku) You mean the aliens?
Axel: (as Mouse) Whoa! How did you know?!
Larxene: (as Riku) Because there's not a single original thought in this fic so aliens from Roswell is the stupidest plot device ever.
Axel: (as Mouse) ...Point taken.

I found a couple of inconsistencies in the documentation. I need you to get the original documents and study them."

Riku, who had been drinking, spit out the contents onto the table.


"What? Mick!" He looked around and lowered his voice.

Roxas: Again: Restaurant, house, one is more secure than the other.

"Mick, how the hell are we supposed to do that? We don't even have that kind of authority. And I don't have those kinds of contacts."

Axel: Go outside and give coke to old guys.

Mick was quiet for a long time. "I'm sure you can figure something out. I can't be caught asking for those documents. It would be catastrophic for my career.

Larxene: *slaps hands to cheeks* Oh noes! Not your pweciosh caweer!
Roxas: So says the character that momentarily dropped his role as king to help the entire universe when it was in need.
Mog: *from notes* They gotta go to the Library of Congress and Sora's gotta tell Riku about what happened at the club.

Riku groaned. Jerkbutt had just walked into the restaurant and was surveying the tables. His eyes were narrowed. "What? Make it quick."

Sora thought for just a second. "I killed someone at Club Heartless."

Axel: Then he ran out of the restaurant like a bat out of hell before Riku could even blink.

Riku's eyes widened, and his face churned with new concerns.

Xion: And butter.


But he said no more, for Jerkbutt had spotted them and was making his way to their table, but not without pinching the waitress.

Terra: O-o-on the cheeks! Nowhere else!
Larxene: Face cheeks or ass cheeks?
Terra: *smacks self*

His narrowed eyes seemed much more relaxed and he had an air of arrogance about him. Even more so than when they had first met. He sat down.

"Hello, Riku and…friends." He smirked. "What are you doing here?"

Roxas: (as Riku) We were getting the plot moving along by going to the Library of Congress but then you had to show up and grind that to a halt.

Riku grit his teeth, but forced his calm composure. He really didn't have time for Jerkbutt right now. "I should ask you the same thing, Jerkbutt."

Xion: I should ask you the same cliche.

Jerkbutt frowned, but smiled quickly. It was almost as if he had been a salesman in a previous life.

Zexion: The reincarnation of Willy Loman.

"Hey, I said to enjoy D.C."

"We are!" Sora blurted.

Roxas: (as Sora) I especially enjoyed witnessing you murder someone before my very eyes, but I guess we're never going to bring that up ever again, so it's been fun times all around!

Jerkbutt looked at him. Sora could vaguely see that his fingers were twitching.

Terra: Because I'm still doing this. *smacks self*

"Look," Riku said, interrupting Jerkbutt's targeting.

Terra: R Button!

"We just want to sit and eat. We will go and see whatever you want. Please, just get the fuck outta here."

"Cheeky, Riku." Jerkbutt murmured. "Real classy."

Zexion: You'd think with two authors, one of them would catch the lack of commas.

Riku leaned away. "You're one to talk."

Jerkbutt leaned across the table. He wanted to grab Riku, but he knew better than to cause any kind of commotion. Instead, he dropped a coin on a napkin and pushed it across to Riku, who accepted it cautiously.

"What's this?" Riku asked.

"It's a coin, stupid." Jerkbutt laughed.

Larxene: I always hated guys that laugh at their own crappy jokes.
Mog: *from notes* Jerkbutt says Riku never wants help.

"Because!" Riku flushed and brought his voice down. He whispered, because he knew that if he yelled, Jerkbutt would probably kill him. He wasn't in the mood for that.

Lexaeus: Ask him in an hour and he'd be okay with it.

"Because, you are a manipulative, arrogant shithead. I can't stand you. Go fuck yourself."

Sora was completely taken by surprise,

Axel: (as Sora) Someone cussed around my virgin ears!

but nothing that Riku said phased Jerbutt in the slightest. He didn't even look angry. Not even a little.

Larxene: Probably because his mother wishes him a happy birthday with more colourful language than that. You people need to get artsy with your insults, put some genuine effort into being dickbags.

Suspicion worked its way into his thoughts. And the Keyblade burned in his pocket.

"Reconsider, Riku," Jerkbutt said.

Riku stood up and leaned over the table, He looked absolutely haunting. Scarier than Jerkbutt could ever be. "Fuck. You."

Jerkbutt smiled slyly at him, but kept his mouth closed. "You'll change your mind."

Zexion: (as Jerkbutt) The coin symbolizes the change of your mind.
Axel: The coin was a penny. It's all he's worth.

"Yeah, as soon as Hell freezes over."

Riku stormed away, but his mind was running at light speed.

Roxas: (as Riku) If I run really, really fast maybe I can run my way into a fic where my personality has more to it than “street kid”.

Even though he had stood up for himself, he knew Jerkbutt wasn't going to take that lying down.

Axel: Yeah, imagine that. The guy that killed his best friend for no adequate reason might get mad at you.

He expected Sora and Kairi to follow, but secretly wished that they wouldn't.

Marluxia: Let them literally take the bullet for you.

Sora had told him that he had killed somebody. This added another complication.

Another fucking complication. Riku thought.

Xion: *singing* One more disaster I can add to my generous su- PLYYYYYYYY!

He milled around at the side of a shallow pond like pool of water. The National Mall had dozens of them. I should have killed him.

Marluxia: Then why didn't you? It's a simple question with a very simple answer.

"You look stressed."

Riku turned around. Sitting on a small backpack was Aqua.

Xion: No! She's squishing Backpack and the Map!

Riku's heart fell into his stomach. "Aqua?"

Aqua stood. She was wearing a costume of some kind. Sashes hugged her chest, and her sleeves were not unlike flowing water. If she hadn't been carrying a backpack, she would have looked like a warrior from a distant land.

Terra: How come everything I read becomes creepily meta at some point?

Riku grinned. "Your…costume?"

Aqua looked at herself. "Yeah, I was in the middle of something."

"I never took you as a cosplayer." Riku said, trying to stifle his laughter. Suddenly, Jerkbutt and everything else didn't matter.

Zexion: All that plot stuff? No longer important!

Aqua blushed. "For your information…I was making a…an adult movie."

Terra: *smacks head because what could he possibly say at this point*

Riku frowned. "Oh…"

Aqua smiled. "No, I wasn't in it,

Larxene: Dammit, and I was thinking up so many good names! Like, giving new meaning to the word Bladecharge, or Ghost Drive, the sex addicted poltergeist!

but the director refused to let anyone on set who wasn't in a costume.

Lexaeus: And she's wearing it while not on set because...?
Axel: Fanservice!

And I needed to speak with the producers, and my girls were nervous. It's a whole ordeal. But that doesn't matter.

Zexion: In other words she could have simply been wearing street clothes, this entire conversation could have been skipped, and the story would have moved along just fine.

I got a call the other day."

Riku looked at her, and his misery was back. But the flutter of longing was still there. Just buried under a mountain of responsibility. "About?"


"Oh, really?"

"I heard you needed help making an important decision."

Riku looked away. "Fuck Jerkbutt. Fuck D.C. And fuck his offer. I don't want it."

Aqua hugged him. "I'm not trying to convince you to join him. I just want you to get a little taste of what kind of power you would have."

Terra: At the very least I should be glad she's not ending every sentence with an endearment anymore.
Zexion: The find-replace function on names isn't as obvious anymore.

She reached into his pocket and turned the coin in her fingers. Riku seized up, wanted to pull away before his hormones betrayed his tough shell.

Larxene: Dammit. Now I'm picturing her and a five-year-old. I can't make jokes about that! Even I have standards!

But, Aqua smiled as she pulled the coin out of his pocket.

"We sure are excited, today." Aqua said teasingly. "Makes me wish you stayed with me in New York."

Axel: (as Aqua) We could be sexing in apartments all over the city.
Marluxia: Of course you wouldn't have standards.
Axel: I'm still here with you, aren't I? In fact, I deserve a medal for not killing anyone in this room yet.

Riku didn't look at her. "I don't think I get it."

Aqua put the coin in her backpack. "This coin was a test of a sort.

Roxas: (as Aqua) You failed.
Mog: *from notes* Aqua gives Riku money and reveals...

"Of course," Aqua said, laughing. "I'm a Madame. I own a lot of shit. Jerkbutt's just my distributor."

Roxas: He's the Beuna Vista to her Disney.

Riku opened his mouth and closed it quickly. "So…"

Aqua sighed. "You wouldn't be working for him. You'd be working for me."

Terra: If Aqua's my boss, I hope she fires me for THAT scene and I never show up again.

Riku swallowed and took the roll of money. He was surprised that it was so heavy. His mind was running again. His thoughts were turning in his mind, and he wasn't entirely sure if he could do what he was being asked.

But then he remembered his promise.


Aqua smiled. "Okay…"

"I'll do it," Riku said finally. "But, on one condition."

Aqua frowned slightly. "What's the condition?"

Riku pocketed the roll of money. "I am not to be tethered to D.C. Or New York. Or anywhere. I can move when I want, where I want. No strings attached.


I want to pursue my own…things."

Aqua thought about it for a second. "What kind of things?"

Riku paused. He didn't want to betray Mick's trust,

Lexaeus: Despite betraying that trust twice so far.

but he had to do what he had to do. "I'm trying to find the Heartless leader.

Roxas: You said forever ago you know who it is! Tell someone! Get something done!

Sora's parents were kidnapped by a different kind of Heartless.

Zexion: Emblem Heartless, to be precise.

And I want to stop them."

Aqua took his hand. "Okay, then. You can have that. And now, I get to initiate you."

Riku tensed. "It's not going to…"

Terra: (as Riku) …be an enjoyable read at all.

"Shush." Aqua put her finger to his lip. Riku noted how soft her fingers were, but he snapped out of it without her noticing. "It will hurt, but you need to do it tonight. I have to go back to New York tomorrow."

Riku nodded. "Okay."

Aqua turned around. Riku watched her, wishing she wouldn't move so fast. Oh, how lust clouded his judgment,

Axel: Oh, how lust is the only thing that drives these pairings.

and interfered with his logic. But, something occurred to him, and reached out for her hand.

Aqua looked at him, batting her eyelashes. "You want something?"

Larxene: (as Riku) You caught me. I was gonna ask to borrow your eyeliner.

"I…" Riku flushed. Why is it so hard to fucking talk to her?

"Do I make you nervous?"

Riku trembled. "I need a favor."

Aqua smirked. "What kind of favor?"

Riku swallowed.

Zexion: Think of a different sentence structure, for crying out loud!

"I need to get under the Library of Congress."

Marluxia: Dig your way in.

Aqua looked away. She was thinking. "That's a big favor. A tough one." She glanced at the water, looking like she was trying to remember a distant memory.

Xion: She was remembering when she was a able to kick butts and take names. While being female, might I add.

She tapped her chin. "I think I have a girl who works there still. Her name is

Xion: Quick! Everyone take a guess!
Roxas: Yuffie!
Marluxia: Paine.
Larxene: Tifa!
Zexion: The ice-cream shop woman.
Terra: Drizella and Anastasia!
Lexaeus: Queen Minnie.


Xion: Oh. That's kinda disappointing, to tell the truth.

Ask for her. She should be able to help, but not without an incentive."

Riku scoffed. "Money?"

Terra: I'm going to guess the answer is 'No'.

Aqua shrugged. "I don't know. But you better be willing to pay.

Axel: (as Aqua) May as well unzip your pants now, we both know where this is going.

That is, if you want whatever it is you're looking for."

Riku nodded. Aqua threw him a set of keys. He looked at them. "What's this?"

"If you're going to work for me," Aqua said, "you're going to have a car." She turned around. "It's the CTS in the parking lot. The red one. It's yours now."

Xion: He's taken a police cruiser!
Roxas: Yeah. He took the red one.


Aqua waved him off. "Just be on time.

Roxas: What time? You never mentioned any time. Mog, did she ever mention any time?
Mog: Nope.
Axel: (as Aqua) Be there at Convenient-o-clock.

I may look nice, but I'm one hell of a bitch when it comes to business.

Larxene: Unless your name's Angua von Uberwald, you're not allowed to say that joke.

Don't be late."

She left. Riku stood there for awhile, trying to figure out exactly what it was he got himself into, when Sora tapped him on his shoulder.

Xion: (as Sora) Hey, Riku, we need you to pay for us and Jerkbutt's dinner.

"You okay?" He asked. Kairi stood a little way away.

Larxene: Jumping up and down yelling for some screen time but the boys are talking now, sweetie, go make them a sandwich or something.

Riku looked at him. "Yeah. I know how to get into the Library."

Roxas: It isn't hard when you've got a library card!

While Superior was away, Zexion had asked Saix to have a private meeting.

Axel: They were going to discuss getting him fixed.

As they stood in Saix's room,

Zexion: We don't have meeting rooms in our base of operations.
Axel: We had to cut those because Vexen keeps wasting money on temper tantrum induced beaker wreckage.
Xion: Say that sentence three times fast.

Zexion was looking through a leather bound book. He flicked through the pages lazily, waiting for Saix to say something.

Saix groaned, still thinking about Roxas.

Larxene: (as Saix) Where'd I go wrong with that one?



Zexion: (as self) Why couldn't you at least put chairs in your room?

"I've asked to speak with you privately, because I believe there are traitors in our midst."

Saix arched an eyebrow. "Traitors?"

Axel: *fingers crossed* Let it be me let it be me let it be me let it be me let it be me.
Marluxia: Wait in line.

Zexion nodded. "I've been keeping a log of any suspicious activity that I've seen. I've compiled quite a list, and it concerns me.

Zexion: *holds up own book, half-filled* It truly does.

I think we may be deviating from our original task."

Roxas: It's like trips to the beach and bowling parties won't lead to ruling the universe.

Saix opened his mouth, but closed it without saying a word.

"I'm more concerned with Marluxia." Zexion commented as he stopped flipping the pages. "He has become much more violent and manic, even going so far as to threaten one of our own."

Marluxia: It’s almost as if the writers don’t know what to do with me.

Saix nodded. "I understand your concerns."

Zexion closed his book. "I did want to run this by you before I took it to Superior. I wouldn't want to interrupt him."

Xion: It's his flea bath today.
Mog: *from notes* They think Marluxia's all suspicious and then we go to the kitchen to meet Xehanort.

He spread his arms out wide, almost like he was God.

Axel: (as Xehanort) My people! Listen to my bullshit words!

"Good evening…"

Axel sat up, "Superior! You're back from your Jerk-Off Convention. How the hell are you?"

Axel: I'm showing this surprise now and not when he talked earlier cuz that would have ruined the cliffhanger.

"Axel!" cried Marluxia. "You show Superior respect!"

Roxas: (as Marluxia) He can roll over and everything!

"Fuck you, Flower boy." Axel growled. He fingered his handmade flamethrowers under the table.

Zexion: Here’s a question for all the thinkers in the audience: Where does Axel hide the fuel tanks on that figure of his?

Xehanort's smile faltered. "Now, there is no need for such hostility."

Marluxia relaxed. He respected Xehanort for too much to disobey him. He would slit his own throat for him. All he had to do was give the word.

Marluxia: That's what I want you to think. The best traitors are the best lapdogs.

"I'm sorry, Superior."

Axel backed off as well. He wasn't really in the mood to defend his ego. He saw Roxas carrying a girl, and instantly wanted to know what had happened. If Superior hadn't come, he would have jumped to his feet, and burned whatever part of the city he had to, to help his friend.

Terra: This story's character development is more like character hop-scotch.
Axel: (as self) Man, I hate this kid, why do I have to babysit him, gosh darnit— Wait, necrophilia jokes? We're BFFs now!

The members at the table grew tense. They had all seen the girl. Zexion sat down and folded his hands, glaring at Marluxia. Marluxia glanced back and wiggled his fingers at him.

Roxas: (as Marluxia) *waggling fingers* Is this bugging you? Is this bugging you? I'm not touching you! Is this bugging you?

Zexion turned his head away, slighting him. Larxene, who sat next to Marluxia, motioned to him behind his back. Zexion shook his head.

Larxene huffed softly. She had been denied the chance to stab Marluxia in the back.

Larxene: Yeah, I hate that guy. Not like I tried to overthrow the Organization with him or anything.

Xehanort sat at the head of the table. He was quite handsome.

Axel: True to form, only pretty people are allowed to be main characters.

Tanned skin that wore its African-American nationality with pride. He was strong looking, but not unfriendly. It seemed that he could charm even the most hardcore skeptic into believing what ever he told them. Everyone fell silent.

Lexaeus: As they took the time to read that description.
Mog: *from notes* Let’s get ready to eat!

Riku was leaning close to Sora, whispering hurriedly in his ear.

"Just ask for Amber." He instructed. "Tell her Aqua sent you. And that she gave you a car. Red CTS. Then, tell her what you need."

Sora shivered. His nerves were eating at him. Riku hadn't yelled at him about Club Heartless, and that scared him more than anything. Jerkbutt had threatened him. It was almost like his day was getting bleaker.

Roxas: (as Sora) It's almost like my parents are missing, I'm being dragged across states by strangers, and I killed someone!

But, there was still that glimmer of light. Kairi told him he looked cool with bed hair.

Lexaeus: The writers never give Kairi much thought, do they.

Though, he still brushed it and styled it sloppily.

They were standing in the lobby of the massive building that was the Library of Congress. Hallways and dozens of staircases led in every direction. Sora was overwhelmed by its vastness. He couldn't believe how many books were staring at him.

Terra: But mainly it was that orangutan behind the librarian desk that was weirding him out.
Xion: (as Riku to Sora) Whatever you do, don’t use the M word.

At the front desk were several women, all typing on computers. Sora approached one of the women. He was shaking. This was his first time doing this.

Axel: (as Sora) Okay, okay. Remember to make eye contact, remember to make eye contact, remember OH MY GOD BOOBS!

"Excuse me," Sora said softly.

The woman glanced from her screen. "Welcome to the Library of Congress. How can I help you?"

Sora looked back at Riku. "Uhhh...I need to speak to Amber."

The woman sopped

Xion: ...up the milk she'd spilled earlier.

and looked at him. "What for?"

"Uhhh…I need…to talk to her." Sora paused. "It's about…that thing."

"That thing?"

Roxas: The thingamajig that goes with the whatywhat that's connected to the youknowhwhatimean?

Sora nodded. "Yeah. She'll know what I'm talking about. She told me not to say it out loud."

The woman grinned. "Sure. Hold on."

She picked up a phone that was next to her computer and punched in a number.

Terra: (as woman) Security? Yeah, come as quick as you can.

She was quiet for a long time, looking Sora up and down. It was obvious she didn't believe him.

Axel: The smiling and doing as he asked were all signs of HATRED!

Sora avoided eye contact. He resorted to twiddling his thumbs, and humming softly.


Sora looked up.

"She'll be here in a minute." The woman said. "Please move along."

Roxas: (as woman)*claps* C'mon, people, keep it movin', keep it movin'. I don't have all day. Science geeks keep to the right, literary geeks keep to the left. Stay organized before I gotta smack one a you.
Mog: *from notes* Riku stares at the flag of Maryland.

Sora and Riku turned around. Before them stood a woman wearing a tight skirt suit with a red tag around her neck. She was absolutely severe looking. Both boys opened and closed their mouths without saying anything. Kairi, who had been hanging back, stepped forward.

"Hello." She said happily. "Amber?"

The woman nodded.

Kairi nudged Sora, but when he didn't say anything, she cleared her throat.

Xion: It's only when both boys are doing nothing that she's allowed to speak.
Mog: I left that in just for you, kupo! *from notes* Anyway, Kairi tells Amber that they need the original Roswell documents.

Amber laughed. It echoed through the lobby, but no one looked at her. It was obvious that she was the boss.

Roxas: Time to fight her.

"You are asking for quite a bit."

Riku frowned. "I'll give you whatever you want."

Larxene: Money, drugs, penis, take your pick.

Amber turned around. "Sorry, that's just too much."

Riku grabbed her hand, but didn't pull her back around. "Please. I said anything."

Amber looked at him. "Hmm. Anything, huh?"

Riku nodded.

Amber looked at Sora. "How old is he?"

All: *facepalm*
Xion: One woman— just one woman, please— that doesn't get naked at some point is all I ask for.

Riku looked at Sora, too, eyes widening. "No, I can't do that. He's off limits."

"You said anything," Amber said, smirking.

"He's still…"

Lexaeus: Below the age of consent.

Sora, who had no idea what it was that Amber was asking of him, felt the need to be bold.

Roxas: He's trying to steal your style, Mog.

He wanted to prove to Riku that he wasn't alone. And wasn't the only one who would be willing to make sacrifices. Of course, he did miss every innuendo.

Zexion: Despite the fact that every time we've cut back to him he's been thinking of how much he wants to get into Kairi's pants, Sora is too much of a blushing virgin to understand someone bribing him into sex. I am very tempted to put this in the book.

He pointed to himself. "I'll do it."

Axel: Bad choice of words, Sora. Bad bad bad.

Riku let go of Amber and leaned closer to Sora. "You don't even know what she wants with you, do you?"

Sora shook his head. "No, but you need to do this for Mick. Whatever it is, I'll do it."

Larxene: (as Sora) I’ll grind through all our problems, thrust them out of the way, ride over the bumps, make my enemies scream my name, and finally I’ll say “Screw them!”

Riku sighed. "She's a cougar. You might not…"

"Don't tell me what I can and cannot do," Sora said. "Amber, I'll do it."

Amber smiled devilishly. "Right this way."

Kairi walked beside Sora, and she pushed him angrily.


"Why did you agree to do that?" She hissed.

Marluxia: Wonderful. She finally gets a personality, and it's jealousy.

"I was helping Riku." Sora answered defensively. "How bad could it possibly be?"

"She wants to fuck you, you idiot." Kairi hissed again.

Sora stopped. "What?"

"That's what cougars do," Kairi said. "Didn't your parents ever tell you that?"

Terra: (as Sora) No, they told me if I ever met a cougar while hiking, just remember it's more scared of you than you are of it.

Sora dropped his shoulders and continued walking. "No, they didn't."

Kairi didn't look at him. "Whatever. I'm sure Riku will get you out of this."

Roxas: He'll also pick up your dropped shoulders for you.

Shit. Sora thought. Now she's mad at me. How on Earth am I going to get out of this one?

Roxas and Xion: WAH-WAH-WAAAAAAH!
Lexaeus: We shouldn't need to repeat a joke like that so soon.
Mog: *from notes* They have one hour to search downstairs.

She shut the door, and it locked. Riku turned to them. "Let's get started. Read everything."

Sora tried to follow Kairi, but she pushed him away. He wanted to plead with her.

Larxene: Kid, she's treating you accidentally prostituting yourself like this is some stupid misunderstanding in a rom-com. Dump her and find a girl with a brain!

But, they didn't have that kind of time. He pulled out random files and boxes, and looked through them. They had charts and tiny notes, but nothing that really interested him.

He opened another box. "What are we looking for, Riku?"

Terra: (as Sora) Because I'm still not exactly sure what my goal is. How do papers on Roswell connect to finding the Heartless leader again?

Riku flipped through papers quickly, scanning them. "Anything. Just read. If you find charts, keep those."

Sora pocketed a piece of paper. "But, isn't that stealing?"

"No," Riku said. "It's public property."


"Read, Sora. This is important."

Roxas: Read, Sora, read! Find another fight scene!

And the room fell silent. There was nothing but shuffling papers and the hollow sound of panicked breathing. Sora stole glances at Kairi.

Marluxia: She's public property.

He wished he could have undone what he did. Kairi ignored him, concentrating on her own stack of papers. Sora looked at the paper in his hand. It had a diagram on it.

Axel: Brilliant deduction, thy name is Sora O'Reily!

As he looked closer, he realized that it was an exact depiction of the Keyblade. He pulled it out, hearing the faint humming sound come from it again.

"Hey, guys?"

Roxas: (as Sora) I found a plot point over here.

12: Ad Initium

Christopher "Cloud" Strife was dragging on a cigarette, looking out across the street while the sun was calling it a fucking day

Terra: Bitter sun you have there.

and heading on down for the night, and thinking. Thinking about Namine.

Roxas: *hopeful* Thinking about how she's the most amazing, bravest girl in the world?

He must've seen the chick naked a thousand times, but he could never remember any details for fantasizing later.

Roxas: *hope dies* Nope, couldn't possible think of her like that. She might actually be a human being if we thought of her like that.

Not that he would want to fantasize anyways…not like that. Cloud knew how it was; he was the "bad guy", because he had to do some underground shit and work for the likes of Jerkbutt…but he rarely perceived himself to be bad.

Xion: He's not bad. He's just drawn that way.
Mog: *from notes* He stays because of Namine.

Cloud had never spoken to her directly, as he was almost completely incapable of doing so. Whenever she entered the same room he was in within Jerkbutt's shitty little house, he would blush furiously and start panicking about what he looked like and if how he looked was cool and if his hair was doing that spiky-thing that a lot of girls liked…

Larxene: Geez, what a nerd.

But it didn't matter, because whenever he would see her, the girl would go directly to Jerkbutt and suck him off. Like Cloud wasn't even there.

Like he wasn't even there.

Axel: If you stepped out of your own whiny head for a second she might notice you.
Xion: Also, dear writers, if you were attempting to make Cloud a good guy you might have wanted to not showcase him being jealous that he doesn't get a turn to sexually abuse Namine.

Cloud sighed and flicked his cigarette out onto Jerkbutt's lawn. It glowed in the wet grass for a moment, then died.

Roxas: Before suddenly flaring back to life, devouring everything in its flames, the end.

He thought about Namine and shuddered. Why was it that assholes like Jerkbutt got the girl, while guys like Cloud had to sit and watch?

Zexion: Maybe it's the sitting and watching part.
Terra: Plus, he hasn't “got the girl”, he's buying a sex slave. Calling him an asshole is putting this whole messed up situation lightly.

Why was the girl he loved degrading herself in front of him on a regular basis?

Xion: Fic + two X chromosomes = misogyny.

And why was Cloud the only one who seemed to actually appreciate Namine's existence?

Axel: Because if you were an irredeemable asshole, the FF7 fangirls would have this whole fic ripped to shreds.

He had confided to Ven that he liked the pretty little artist, and Ven misunderstood, going off on a joking spree that Cloud wanted to get into the pants of some "diseased whore".

Roxas and Terra: *hiss*

Furious and in retaliation, Cloud had hinted to Jerkbutt that Ven was thinking about stealing half of the coke they had rounded up, and ditching them to head for Chicago and start a little dealing enterprise of his own there. It was a lie,

Marluxia: Even the somewhat nice person can't get away from being a bastard.
Zexion: So he did hurt someone, then. How pleasant to know he lies to himself.

but Jerkbutt would have to eventually believe it, because Ven kept trying to score his own little share of coke off of Jerkbutt's customers or friends.

Marluxia: It's almost like he was addicted to the substance.

Ven was dead, now. Jerkbutt acted upon his suspicion and shot the fucker in the head. Cloud didn't care. Cloud was over it.


With the only person who knew of his infatuation with Namine out of the way, Cloud knew that now was the time to act. He had to get her out of here. Tonight. He had bought a couple of train tickets, and he was gonna head to Chicago.

Xion: Aw, you should have taken that lonely girl on the midnight train to Georgia.

With her. He looked down at his wristwatch…nine o'clock.

Axel: (as Cloud) Dammit, Big Bang Theory's on. Gotta wait.

He stood up and turned to open the front door as quietly as possible, but when the barrel of a stranger's gun pressed against the back of his head,

Xion: How many guns do you have to have pressed against the back of your head til you can recognize a stranger's?
Marluxia: As many as the fic likes.

he let out a low groan.

Axel: (as Cloud) Aw, man, did you have to pick now to put a gun to my head? I kinda had plans, guys, can't we do this later?

"Alright," he whispered. "Alright, you got me. Please, just hear me out about what's going on…"

Roxas: (as Cloud) So there's these aliens... Don't laugh, it's true. Anyways...

"Shut up," said the stranger.

"No!" whispered another voice harshly. "The guy might have information that we can use before we go in. Tell me your name, son."

"Christopher," said Cloud, trembling in fright. "Are you the cops?"

"Somewhat," replied the other voice. "Do you have anything we can use against this guy?"

"Yes," said Cloud instantly. "Oh, yes…"

Axel: (as Cloud) I have a baseball bat you can use against him if you like.

Jerkbutt was sitting on his couch watching Two and a Half Men and getting sucked off by Namine.

Marluxia: What biting social commentary.

Leon sat in the corner, watching them, a pop-up tent clearly visible through his baggy jeans.

Jerkbutt turned to him and smiled devilishly, "Whip it out, man. Just whip it out. I'll let you have a go at her in just a bit."

Terra: *darkness*

He looked down at the girl between his legs and said, "Moan, honey." When she didn't, he pulled her forward, choking her. "I said moan."

Terra: *more darkness*

She gave a low grunt. He slapped her ass in punishment. Tears ran down her eyes, and Jerkbutt threw his head back and laughed; those tears would make good lube.

Terra: *Keyblade* And THIS makes for a good beating!
Mog: You break anything in this room and you'll be sorry! Just keep reading, trust me, it gets better.
Terra: *puts Keyblade away* (to himself) Just think of my theme song, just think of my theme song.

He looked up to see Cloud come in, accompanied by two others, one of whom had a gun pointed at the back of his best cutter's head. Jerkbutt's mouth dropped open into a gape. Leon cried, "Holy shit!" and pulled out his own pistol, only to be shot in the torso by the other man.

Larxene: It was at that moment Leon realized FPS games don't reflect real life.

Leon fell off his chair and onto the floor, screaming in agony. The man stepped to him and covered his mouth with a piece of silver tape,

Axel: (as Red Green) Remember, if the women don't find you handsome, at least they'll find you handy.

afterwards putting his gun to Leon's head. Jerkbutt panicked, for he wasn't armed,

Zexion: I'll count that for you. *marks as continuity error*

unless you could count the limb between his legs as a weapon…which it could not be called even in a joking manner.

Larxene: *opens mouth, pauses* Naw, that's too far below my standards.
Axel: Right up there with the rest of the humor in this fic, though.
Roxas: So unclassy, unsubtle, and not funny to the point you don't even realize it's a joke?

"The fuck is this shit?" cried Jerkbutt, throwing Namine off of him. She hit her head on the coffee table, and Cloud let out an indignant cry.


Neither of the two men spoke. They were burly, and each wore suits of dark green.

Axel: The G-men have arrived!
Roxas: *deadpan* I am a grieving widow. Why, god, why.

They turned as a third uninvited guest made his way into the living room.

The third man smiled and said in a mannerly voice, "Jerkbutt Hopsfield. Very nice to meet you."

Xion: “Hopsfield?” Now I just picture you as a rabbit.
Larxene: *sing-song* Little bully Terra, hopping through the city, picking up the crackheads and bopping them in the ear!

Jerkbutt smiled in recognition.

"Senator Mouse," he said. "Nice to meet you, too. What brings you to my humble abode? Not in a very political mood this evening?"

"Not in the slightest. More in the persuasive mood."

Axel: (as Mouse) More in the asskicking mood.

"And exactly what are you persuading me into?"

"Letting your obsession with Riku go."

Roxas: Darn straight Mickey is sticking up for Riku. That's one thing this fic will never be able to kill.

Jerkbutt's smile fell into a sneer. "I cannot do that."

"Then," said Mick, helping himself to a seat on Jerkbutt's good chair. "We have a problem."

Terra: (as Mouse) A math problem. What does one Keyblade plus your face equal?

"I don't see how this concerns you," said Jerkbutt darkly. "You're a god forsaken Senator! You can't just come in and…and…"

Mick stood up instantly and pulled out a gun of his own, pressing it against Jerkbutt's forehead. Jerkbutt scowled. Mick scowled right back.

Zexion: The cast's emotional range is really being pushed now.

"If you think I'm wearing my political-hat tonight, you're dead fucking wrong," said Mick ominously.

Roxas: If you're going to have him curse, could you at least remember to drop his G’s? Seriously, character voices are dying by the word.

"American law is an idea. Right now, you and I are both outside of that idea in a situation of our own. If you want to bring American laws into this household, then I will happily call the police about your little coke operation, plus the fact that you have been forcing sexual activities onto this girl, here."

"How the fuck do you-?"

"-know this? Because I have my recourses," said Mick.

Zexion: But no resources, unfortunately.

He looked at Cloud. Cloud looked away, going pale.

Jerkbutt's mouth worked, but no words came out. Finally, he screamed, "You? Cloud, what the fuck is wrong with you? I'll kill you! You asshole! You fucking cock-holstering son of a-"

Xion: Your grandmother was a hamster and your mother smelled of elderberries!

"Enough," growled Mick. "Christopher here is twice the man you'll ever be, Jerkbutt.

Axel: (as Mouse) Yeah, he lied about someone to kill them as a quick distraction for his own plans! He's sooo much better than you'll ever be!

If you ask me, he deserves this empire you've set yourself up with.

Terra: He shall call it Cloudland and it will be full of cuckoos!

And you? I think you deserve this poor girl's position." He indicated Namine, who flushed furiously.

Xion: (as Mick) Yeah, I'll make you feel like the lowest of the low, which is THIS GIRL RIGHT HERE! That'll make her feel better about her current situation! I r gud guy!

One of Mick's boys let Cloud go gently. Cloud slowly walked over to Namine and helped her off the floor.

Roxas: “Slowly”? Yeah, take your time. Not like there's any danger here.

Mick told the two, "You two can leave now. Feel free to go wherever you please; Jerkbutt cannot hurt you anymore."

"Like hell I can't," spat the crime lord.

Terra: Hey, future fic-authors, a word if you please. Just because I look like the main bad guy doesn't mean I am a bad guy. Keep it in mind.

He looked at Cloud and Namine as they walked towards the front door. "You fuckers have given me one hell of a problem, but it's nothing compared to what I'm gonna do to you.

Xion: (as real!Terra) I'll animate a suit of armor through pure will alone and prove I'm stronger than the darkness! You'll see! You'll all see!

I'll be seeing you again. Soon. Real soon."

They hurried outside.

Larxene: But then Namine ran back in and kicked Jerkbutt in the balls for good measure.
Mog: *from notes* The argument continues!

"Right," laughed Mick. "Right. That's a laugh, Jerkbutt."

Roxas: I laugh in the face of danger! Ha ha ha!
Larxene: *falsetto* I'm gonna fuckin' kill you! Ah-ha!

"Are you gonna put me in jail?"

Mick strode towards the door where Cloud and Namine had just left through.

Zexion: They'd considered leaving through the second floor landing's window but decided against it.

Jerkbutt wanted to fucking kill the cocky bastard.

"No," said the Senator. "That would be horribly counterproductive. I want to use you as a tool. Consider yourself under my operations at destroying the Heartless gang."

Jerkbutt scoffed. "The Heartless? That's your game, Senator?

Terra: (as Mouse) My game? My game is Epic.

Jesus, I'd figure a guy like you would have more going on for him. Young, politically-involved…you're a lot like me in some ways."

Xion: Except that Mickey is awesome in every conceivable way whereas you're so poorly characterized Mog had to change your name.

"I agree, actually, although our goals on the grand scheme of things differ incredibly. I wish to destroy the Heartless for I see them as a great threat to humanity,

Lexaeus: Then you haven't really seen them.

while you probably would want them destroyed only for your own personal gain. Well, it doesn't matter; you're going to help me get rid of 'em.

Zexion: Formal or informal: pick one voice and stay with it.

Consider your entire operation under my employ."

"That's impossible," said Jerkbutt, bewildered. "I…uh…I don't own most of this empire, man."

Terra: How can you be bewildered over a fact you already know?

Mick frowned. "The fuck are you talking about?"

Xion: Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, Willis?

"I'm…I just distribute what I'm given. I'm an employee myself."

"For who?"


Axel: (as Mouse) Men, put a search out for all the someones you can find! Comb every alleyway!

Silence. Mick just stared at Jerkbutt, mind racing furiously. Leon, who was still on the ground, had stopped thrashing and was looking at Jerkbutt with a mixture of shock and betrayal; he had thought he was employed by the Biggest of the Big.

Xion: I'd feel bad for anyone employed be the Smallest of the Small.
Terra: They work for the Fairy Godmother. Codeword “Bippity boppity boo”. Spaces and uppercase included.

But Jerkbutt had been working for someone else the entire time? Who?

Marluxia: If we hadn't been told already, this moment might've been interesting.
Roxas: This is where revision comes in handy.

Then, Mick said, "I don't care, anyways. You're done working for whoever it is. Get your guys, get your, uh, 'products', and haul ass back to New York. We gotta deal?"

Axel: He'll say “fuck” and “ass” but not “drugs”?
Zexion: Does this count as a continuity error?
Lexaeus: No, just poor writing. You could count that, if you'd like.
Zexion: If I did that, this book would have long been filled.

"Fuck no!" cried Jerkbutt indignantly.

Marluxia: As opposed to contently.

He stood up. Don and Goofy turned their guns onto him, faces devoid of any emotion.

Roxas: Faces devoid of their happy, cartoony selves.
Axel: If this is how ol' Walt's legacy is treated, I don't want to see human Disney characters ever again.

He stood his ground and continued, "What the fuck do I get in return? Why do I have to just give and go?"

"Because," replied Mick, teeth clenched. "If you don't, my 'boys' here will beat you fucking senseless and leave you to die here in this shitty little house. Rest assured, if you were to join me, you would be given a nice penthouse in the city, and I will allow you to freely distribute your narcotics to any customers you may have in that area…for the time being. You will, however, risk your life and the lives of your employees to help me drag out the Heartless leader and end his entire regime. If not, I'll do worse than kill you. I'll strip you of any authority and put you out on the fucking streets, Jerkbutt. You'll be taking it up the ass for a Big Mac every night. That'll be your game."

Terra: Is this dialogue supposed to be witty or threatening or something?
Axel: (as Jerkbutt) Fuck you, man!
Larxene: (as Mouse) No, fuck you, man!
Axel: (as Jerkbutt) Fuck you times infinity!
Larxene: (as Mouse) Fuck you times infinity plus one!

"Looks like I don't have much of a choice, then," snarled Jerkbutt.

Zexion: If this is how Mouse solves all his conflicts, senate hearings must be an interesting affair.

"You don't. Oh, and once I leave, don't you dare try to order a hit on me. That would be a foolish thing to do, Jerkbutt."

"What's stoppin' me, Senator? What would stop me from gettin' a guy to putting a bullet into your skull?"

Axel: A bullet in your skull would do the trick.

Mick gave another poisonous grin.

Terra: Luckily, though, I have an Esuna spell handy.
Mog: *from notes* Mick pulls the “America's Most Wanted” card.

Mick continued, "Keep in mind that I do not need you, Jerkbutt. You're disposable to me. But it would be a nice benefit to have you working with me. Don't try anything funny, because you're not so super-valuable that I'd hesitate to blow your damn head off. Let's go, gentlemen."

Xion: (as Mouse) Let's go back to the days when I was King Mickey, a well-loved character that could solve problems without swearin' and threatenin' someone's life. Those were awesome.

The Senator and his bodyguards left the household, and Jerkbutt and Leon looked at each other in amazement.

Larxene: (as Jerkbutt) Whoa, dude, you're not dead from that bullet wound yet? Awesome!

The Keyblade shook violently like a Tasered criminal,

Zexion: Not every description has to be a simile or metaphor. "The Keyblade shook violently" is enough.

and Sora was forced to drop it onto the marble floor of the file room. The baton began to glow and rotate like a spin-the-bottle game. A single folder from one of the filing cabinets came flying over and attached itself to the blade of the weapon.

Marluxia: What blade? It's a glorified stick. You can't have a blade side on a cylinder.

The Keyblade stopped vibrating, and the trio stared at it, stunned.

Axel: (as trio) Well that was unrealistic.

"Open it," Kairi whispered. Sora nodded, bent down, and picked the folder up. It was bulked with various papers.

Lexaeus: That politely didn't scatter everywhere as the folder “came flying over”.
Mog: *from notes* The trio looks through the papers.

"My God," croaked Riku. "We need to pocket all of this."

Roxas: (as Riku) Sora! Get your KH2 outfit on! All those pouches will finally come in handy!

Sora agreed. Inside this stack of papers were pictures of humanoid creatures that looked like horribly distorted humans shaking hands with President Truman. They were much taller and skinnier, with smaller heads and beady eyes.

Marluxia: We're very little-green-menish on this alternate Earth.

The photograph was no product of any sort of image-editor out there; it was legitimate. And it frightened Sora. Another photograph showed a picture of the Keyblade. The next page was a "Wanted"-poster with a man named Doctor Viktor Vanitas.


Underneath was a description, saying, "As a Russian spy,

Zexion: And not a country with closer ties to the Latin language, because...?
Terra: Not Boris and Natasha enough.

Dr. Vanitas has stolen military secrets and is responsible for the deaths of innocent soldiers at…"

Xion: *singing* Whoa whoa whoa! Waterloo! Finally facing my Waterloo!

the rest being faded away from being so old. A smaller picture showed Vanitas wearing a strange mask, with the heart-shape emblazoned on it.

Terra: He was also wearing a hula skirt.

Sora pocketed these two pages, when the door opened. Amber stood there, arms crossed impatiently.

Axel: (as Amber) Alright, you've got your damn plot, now go off and do something useless!

"Times not up yet," Riku reminded her.

"I don't care," she said. "Do you know who's coming here? The President of the United States.

Zexion: I hear the President drops by for surprise visits all the time. He makes life more fun and unpredictable that way.

If people came in here and saw you three fuckin' around, my ass would be grass. Hit the road."

Xion: Hit the road, Jack, and don't ya come back no more no more no more no more.

"Oh, fuck you!" roared Riku.


"Nothin' I can do about it, hon," said Amber, pouting. "Now come on. I'm off work now, anyways. We'll leave together." Her eyes rested on Sora and moved up and down his body. Sora swallowed a lump in his throat.

Marluxia: That lump was the last of his brain. It's the sole reason why he didn't ask his two companions for help.

They walked out of the Library of Congress, and out into the night.

Roxas: Night?! They left for the place in the afternoon! With a car! How did reaching their only goal take several hours?
Axel: They had to hit all the tourist traps first, of course. Then they wasted all Aqua's money on arcade games, watched the latest blockbuster, read a novel, wrote a novel, went backpacking through Europe. Then they decided, hell, let's stroll on over to the one place we have to go.

It was getting a bit chilly. The trio spotted the red CTS, and headed for it. Sora was caught by Amber's long-fingered hands that dug into him like spears.

"Where do you think you're goin', honey?" she whispered into his ear.

Roxas: (as Sora) Away from another icky scene, please and thank you.

Panic fluttered in his chest.

"Uh…with my friends," he replied nervously.

"I'm your friend, now," she said and dragged him towards a roomy white van that was parked far away from the Library.

Larxene: There needs to be more fluorescent pink pedo vans in fics.

Sora looked over his shoulder for help, but Riku was staring after him sadly

Axel: So much for him getting you out of this.
Roxas: (as Riku) I am looking sad for him. I am helping!

while Kairi looked completely and utterly infuriated.

Marluxia: Someone put a sticker over the cardboard's face.

Sora turned back around only to see the white van's back door opening, and feeling himself getting pushed inside.

Mog: *flutters over and hands passes to Roxas and Xion* You two have to leave now.
Axel: What? Why do they get to leave?
Mog: They're too young to read what's next. We've gotta follow the rules.
Roxas: Sounds good to me.
(Roxas and Xion hurriedly leave)
Terra: *perks up* Wait a minute. I have a Keyblade! I could have just unlocked the door this entire time! *slumps down* What's the use anymore? I'm already in this far, may as well taint my soul further.

The van reeked of incense and various perfumes. Amber hopped in next to him and closed to door behind her.

Larxene: I hope these typos continue. Sex scenes with typos are always good for a laugh.

Her face went in between his legs instantly, and she started to breathe and moan on his crotch.

Marluxia: Amber, you may want to delve further into what the “breath play” kink actually means.

Sora felt his face grow hot, but closed his eyes and thought of Kairi as this incredibly unpleasant vulture had her way with him.

Zexion: Just lie back and think of England.
Axel: It's a real good thing Xion's not here. She'd start going on about equality towards birds.

After a couple minutes of this, she looked up red-faced and said, "We're going to have lots of fun."

Terra: I'm not. I'm going to sit with my eyes closed and ears covered. *does so*

"Well," said Sora, teeth clenched with rage. "You are."

She laughed like a harpy

Axel: She'd go on about the mythical birds, too.

and pulled down his pants. He didn't know what to expect and his mind was racing with possible outcomes, but none of them included her punching him in the balls.

Every male: *cringe* OH!
Larxene: Suddenly this turned into a frat-boy comedy.

He yelped in shock and pain, clutching his aching groin, breathing in sharply with the agony.

Zexion: Oh, come now, you could have easily fit five more synonyms for ‘pain’ into that sentence.

He felt her shadow over him, even in this darkness felt her presence, and soon she was biting on his shoulder with much force.

Axel: She's secretly a vampire!

"My…God!" he yelled. "Arrrgh!"

Larxene: (as a pirate) Arrrgh! Ye suckin' all the blood out a me neck, ye heartless wench! Over da side wit ya!

"Shh, baby, shhh," she whispered into his ear. She laid him on his back, then bit into his gentiles.

Zexion: Luckily his genitals were perfectly safe.
Larxene: *giddy clapping*
Axel: The fic just wants us to know that Sora isn’t Jewish.

Sora screamed. This was how Amber had fun? Hurting people? Not snuggling on a bed, or kissing, or any of that? Just these painful, painful games of torture?

Marluxia: As opposed to fun, fun games of torture.

His jeans, which were rolled up by his ankles, were vibrating.

Axel: Awkward time to get a text message.
Larxene: (as caller) Hey, man, whatcha doing?
Marluxia: (as Sora) Having sex with a crazy woman to add cheap drama. You?
Larxene: (as caller) Just watching the game. My team sucks. No pun intended, dude.
Mog: *from notes* Skipping!

Enough is enough! He thought angrily.

Marluxia: I'm starting to get really sick of these dumb adverbs.
Zexion: Clearly the scene itself isn't good enough context for us to know his emotional state.

He grabbed the vibrating Keyblade and saw that it was hot with some hidden energy, much like it was when he had killed the man at Club Heartless.

All: *cheering* Whoo! Kill her! Kill her! Slice her in half!
Lexaeus: Carve “Safe, Sane and Consensual” into her stomach.

Sora looked at it, then looked at Amber-who was staring at the baton in glee, thinking it was a sex device-

Marluxia: Which reinstates my earlier complaint that it can't have a “blade” side on it.

and pressed the side of it against her stomach. The smell of burning flesh filled the van,

Axel: Smells like chicken.

now, and Amber moaned in utter delight.

Larxene: (as Amber) Ooh, I can feel my dinner cooking again. This is so hot, baby.

He pushed her onto her back, and watched her pass out from the pain. He pulled up his pants, and made his way out of the van.

Mog: *to door* You can come back in now!
(Roxas and Xion enter and return to their seats)
Xion: What did we miss?
Lexaeus: Events happened and the characters went on as if they hadn't.
Roxas: So same as usual?
Axel: Yep.

Riku and Kairi were leaning against the CTS, looking troubled.

Roxas: (as both) Our friend is being attacked and since we already have everything we need we could just grab him and drive away, but that would involve work.

When they saw Sora wielding his alien weapon, they looked frightened.

Axel: Yeah, it's almost like this entire set-up was bound to end with someone being hurt or something.

"No worries," he said hastily. "I didn't kill her. Just knocked her out. Please, let's get the fuck out of here." He looked at Kairi. "I'm so sorry. I just wanted to help. I didn't know."

Kairi hugged him tightly.

Xion: (as Kairi) Now that it's not necessary for me to help you, I like you again!
Marluxia: Time to peel the sticker off.

He smiled.

Riku smiled, too.

Terra: Everyone smiled! It's a smiley day! Let's all smile! Smile smile smile! Let's all forget about what just happened!

"Let's get out of here. And, please, promise me we will never have to do that again. Any of us."

Zexion: In case any of you are counting, this has been another pointless moment.
Axel: No, let's be fair here. If that scene didn't exist there'd be nothing to distract us from how our heroes have so easily accepted Harry Truman taking selfies with aliens. What were they supposed to do instead, talk about it or something silly like that?

Roxas opened the swinging doors to the kitchen and into the smell of delicious-smelling Italian food.

Zexion: *writes* And another mark for redundancy. We haven't had one of those for a while.

He saw Xigbar cooking up something in a white apron. The attire was so unlike the assassin that Roxas could hardly suppress a laugh. Xigbar turned and smiled.

Larxene: Then shot him in the face.

"Get it out of your system, you little asshole," he said. Roxas laughed heartily.

All: *stilted* HA HA HA!

"The dining room is in the other room,

Terra: Unlike other dining rooms that are kept in the cupboard.

through the door in the corner. Most people are there.

Marluxia: Not just Organization members, most people in general are in there.

Where's the girlfriend?"

"Getting dressed. She fucking loves it here."

Axel: (as Roxas) Though don't say “fucking” around her. She gets a little upset, for obvious reasons.
Xion: I'd be mad over that, but if the fic doesn't realize something's wrong, why should I convince it otherwise?
Mog: *from notes* The dining room is all stained glass, by the way. Superior's waiting for them.

"Ah, the Chaos Theorist arrives!" he called dramatically. "Please, sit anywhere. It was initially set up so that we were to sit in order based on our Organization-numbers, but I think it would be much more fun if we can choose to sit where we want. I adore sitting at the head of table, Roxas, you've no idea. I just love to see all my beautiful friends' faces."

Marluxia: The more Xehanort talks, the more and more femme he sounds. He's turned into what I usually am in fanfiction.

Axel replied, although the Superior was not talking to him, "Beautiful faces? Sir, no offense, but have you seen Saix? He looks like fucking Two-Face."

Axel: Hey, we already made that reference! Get your own jokes!

Xehanort and Saix both burst into hearty laughter.

All: *stilted* HA HA HA!
Mog: *from notes* Axel says that dinners usually mean Zexion talks a lot.

Zexion frowned disdainfully over his book and said, "I am not psychologically tormenting you, Axel. I'm merely educating you on the ways of the mind so you don't look like a complete dolt once we've reached Kingdom Hearts."

"I'll just shut the fuck up when I meet our fellow pioneers from other universes."

Marluxia: Before he stabs them in the back.
Axel: Of course.

"You can't shut the fuck up now. What makes you think you'll shut up then?"

"Fair enough."

Roxas was crying with laughter.

All: *stilted* HA HA HA!
Terra: HO HO HO!

Axel smiled at him.

Larxene: (as Axel) Wow, that weed I slipped him works wonders!

Five minutes later, and the rest of the Members came down from their rooms. The seats were completely filled, with the exception of two:

Zexion: Not completely filled, then.

one was for Lily, the other for another Member who Roxas had not met yet.

"Luxord," explained Axel.

Roxas: Apparently reading my mind.

"Is off getting cash the dirty way: gambling.

Marluxia: We're hell bent on destroying the Earth, but we still believe card games are the path to the Devil.

He's rarely here, and I've only seen him once or twice, but he contributes quite a bit. The fucking conformist asshole…"

Terra: *thinks* If you all hate conformists for not having any original thoughts, why did you join a group wherein you have to follow someone else's orders?
Axel: So we can call the rest of the world lazy assholes while we play racquetball. You expect us to actually work on our ideas?
Roxas: Pfft! Crazy talk!

The doors swung open again, and in came "Xion". Her black hair had been straightened, and she was wearing a black dress that seemed to match the Organization Member's robes. She looked absolutely stunning, like a little Gothic pixie, and Roxas stood up immediately in instinctive respect. Pete McLean had been quite a foe, but nothing McLean did made Roxas as intimidated as his girlfriend's appearance did right now.

Larxene: The being-a-dick, the attempted murder and abuse of his girlfriend, the attempted murder of Roxie himself... Fuck that noise, it's little black dresses that scare this kid!
Mog: The admins made their own comments on this part, though all I saw was some red pen scribbles that said “but nothing McLean did intimidated Roxas like his girlfriend's appearance did now.” They're not very good at this comedy thing.
[[We're not touching that "Gothic pixie" line with a ten-mile pole.]]

"You look…" he began.

"Beautiful!" boomed Xehanort enthusiastically.

Zexion: Xemnas... enthusiastic...
Marluxia: Breaks the mind to imagine, doesn't it?

"Brothers-and sister-meet our new guest: Xion! Isn't she just a wonderful creature?

Terra: Not wonderful girl, just creature.
Xion: I'm secretly a werewolf. I was too afraid to tell Ryan so I fled with my father to Germany to find a cure but the search was fruitless. So instead I bought some strudel and came home.

Let's give her a round of applause!"

The table did so, some Members clapping a little unenthusiastically, but it was enough to make Xion beam and blush as she took a seat next to Roxas. The rest of the table then erupted into conversation.

All: Talk talk talk talk.
Xion: Murmur of agreement.
Axel: Ambient sounds.
Roxas: Talking to people.

Roxas turned to Xion and put an arm around her.

"…You do look beautiful," he whispered. She smiled and kissed his cheek.

"Get a fucking room," said Axel. Roxas and Xion laughed nervously; they were actually sharing a room now.

Xion: ...The characters do remember what happened just that day, right? I'm starting to think they don't.
Roxas: Don't you remember? She loves it here! Who WOULDN'T want to see their parents murdered before their very eyes, be almost murdered as well before their self-absorbed boyfriend swept them off to an underground gang hideout full of strangers that openly talk of killing off humanity? IT'S EVERY GIRLS' DREAM COME TRUE!
Mog: *from notes* Food!

As the rest of the Organization ate and frivolously conversed with one another, Roxas took the time to go back to this afternoon.

Xion: Y'know, at least a funeral for Lily's parents so she could have some closure to the day's events. Anything!

When he had spotted McLean, dead and faceless, he had felt pity because the situation seemed to be that McLean was a corrupted child who had died a horrible death.

Roxas: Key words “seemed to be”. Actually, it's just because True Art is Angsty.

Now, however, Roxas felt as though McLean was a corrupted man who had died a horrible death.

Terra: (as Roxas) That means I don’t have to feel bad!

And his hand was cut off by another man, who was now sharing a room with a woman in a facility run and organized by a group of men and women.

Lexaeus: You have to grow old, but you don't have to grow up.

High school was over for him, surely, and so was childhood. Roxas had never felt so mature in his entire life. He used to spend nights in his room at his parents' house, browsing the Internet and talking to his girlfriend over the phone.

Larxene: Boy, you sure lived on the edge, didn't you.
Roxas: But if I actually went out of my way to make friends instead of waiting for them to come to me, I couldn't whine about my life anymore! Don't you see how the entire plot would unravel if I thought of someone other than myself?!
Axel: She's a woman. She obviously doesn't get it.
Marluxia: *scythe-smacks Axel*
Larxene: Thanks for that.
Marluxia: Willing to do so again.

Now he had a career, a career in anarchy, and he was sharing a room with the woman he loved. Childhood was over, innocence gone,

Terra: Intelligence gone.

time to push forward and think maturely, like Zexion did…

Marluxia: Think hypocritically like Zexion did.

but that could sometimes be hard with Axel around. Didn't matter; even adults acted like idiots sometimes.

Axel: God knows the entire Organization backs this fact up.

Axel just did it more often than most others.

And with these new thoughts came the loosening of the bolted fears and depressions that had plagued Roxas' mind for so long. His mind felt reborn, like a new blank page of a seemingly filled notebook had been found.

Xion: Wouldn't those filled pages still contain his past fears and depressions, and this new 'page' of his mind is still overpowered by dread and is a temporary relief?
Zexion: This story tries so hard at simile and metaphors, yet always falls short. It's a tad saddening, really.

When dinner was over, Xehanort stood up and clinked his glass.

Terra: Speech! Speech!
Axel: If you knew him like we did, you wouldn't be saying that.

"Alright, all! The time has come for you to be given your monthly assignments. You will report to Saix on a weekly basis, as usual, to give information on the progression of your assignments. If you do not complete your assignments,

Roxas: (as Xehanort) You don't get to go on the class trip next Tuesday.

you will not move onto a new one, and you will continue to work on the one you fucked up until you get it right." He produced a stack of index cards from underneath his robes.

Terra: Does he have a printer in there?

"I will now read off your duties one-by-one.

"Saix; your assignment is, as always, to keep order within Oblivion Labs, and make sure you're up-to-date on everyone else's assignments. To the rest of you: when I am not here, Saix is in control. But I think you already know that.

Axel: (as Xehanort) I just like rubbing it in your faces for fun.

"Xigbar; this month, you will need to attack the black market with the ferocity of a lion and the stealth of a panther.

Roxas: (as Xehanort) Don't be a complete slacker, like usual.

We need more shipments of weapons, preferably explosives.

Marluxia: There are more bowling alleys we haven't needlessly blown up yet.

"Xaldin; you're coming with me to assist on duties throughout the rest of the country. Nobody is to ask questions.

Zexion: It still sounds like a joke every time they use that word during the Organization scenes. What is so terrible about saying “no one”?

"Vexen; continue your research on this new discovery you've found regarding the Nobody Virus.

Roxas: (as Xehanort) Continue having “science” as your only character trait. It's the closest thing to our real selves we have!

"Lexaeus; pay attention, now, because this is important.

Xion: You get to be involved in a story, it MUST be extremely important!

I need you to scope out possible locations to first release the Virus once it's been fully bred. You are to take your old camping supplies and play nomad, going from place to place. The scummier the town, the better.

"Zexion; you're going on a mission to Hawaii, starting tonight, so pack your things.

Zexion: (as Xehanort) Pack many white T-shirts and jeans. You have to look touristy.

This mission is also important. Many towns in Hawaii are impoverished, and crime rates have been higher than ever. With the recent development within the research of the Nobody Virus, I do believe you know your targets are pregnant women.

Xion: (as Xehanort) Because they're the best emotionally manipulative target we could find.

Smuggle the Virus to Hawaii, infect perhaps five pregnant woman, and you will return to these women every month to check up on their behaviors and health patterns.

"Marluxia; I have a list of people I need you to kill. See me after dinner.

Roxas: (as Xehanort) See me after class, young man.
Marluxia: Can I do something other than kill people I don't care about and won't assist me in any way? This has moved from boring to annoying and back again.

"Demyx; I need you to find Luxord, ASAP. I haven't seen him or heard from him in a very long time, and this concerns me. You are to start once we all leave the dining room. Do not return to the Labs until you have the gambler with you.

Axel: I'm thinking Xehanort just wants Demyx out of the group for good.

"Larxene; I could use some more information on Aqua, that friend of yours.

Terra: You're her friend? Why couldn't I be her friend?
Larxene: Because you're too busy killing Vens.

She seems to be the ventriloquist to all the puppets of crime New York has ever seen in the past five years. Find out everything about her that you can. I will expect an impressive report once you've come back.

Xion: (as Xehanort) And don't use Wikipedia as your main source!

"Which leaves Roxas and Axel. This may sound risky you, but I think you can handle it;

Axel: (as Xehanort) We need you to take part in an MST...

I want you two to run around New York City for five days and unleash hell upon it. I have made masks for you to wear,

Marluxia: Xemnas enjoys his arts and crafts nights.

and if you follow the directions I will give you after dinner closely, you will not get caught. Axel, you are to attack Brooklyn and Queens; Roxas, your sole target is Manhattan. I want to see you on every news station, swinging those Keyblades around like no tomorrow.

Zexion: (as Xehanort) Seeing as how no news station seems to care about the fully incinerated bowling alley that was in full view of a busy highway, you may have to enlist the Cloverfield monster to get their attention.

"Xion; I am giving you the choice of either staying here in the Labs, which will mostly be unoccupied, or to accompany Zexion to Hawaii. I apologize for reuniting you with your beloved and then ripping you two apart again, but duty calls, and you cannot join Roxas in his chaotic expedition, for I fear it could be the death of you.

Roxas: (as Xehanort) You don't get fancy weapons your first day like Roxas did. You need to fail your first and only mission like Roxas did before we can do that.
Xion: Xehanort is one of those guys that thinks I'm a faux action girl, isn't he?

Zexion's mission, however, is the least violent, and I think you'd enjoy Hawaii.

Axel: (as Xehanort) You'll enjoy the impoverished towns and high crime rate! It'll be fun!

I know that, since you are not an actual member of the Organization, this all must be very confusing for you, but you will find out what our goals are once they have been reached.

Roxas: Or your boyfriend could tell you, but that would be too nice.

"Now; any questions?"

Marluxia: Can I leave now?
Roxas: When there's something weird in your neighborhood, who ya gonna call?
Xion: Have you ever heard the wolf cry to a blue corn moon, or ask the grinning bobcat why he grins?
Lexaeus: Do you hear the people sing? Singing a song of angry men?
Terra: What do you do with a drunken Aqua?
Axel: What is so hot it's cool and so cool it's hot?
Zexion: How many cups of sugar does it take to get to the moon?
Larxene: Where's Perry?

Unsurprisingly, there were none.

Axel: Because we all fell asleep.
[to be continued...]
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