thelectureroom: Mog! (Default)
thelectureroom ([personal profile] thelectureroom) wrote2015-06-19 01:44 pm

Our Sporking Magnum Opus [PART TWO]

Title: The Nobody Virus
Author: hajikurazaki19 and DeadShut
Rating: One for the terrible-and-we-mean-Terrible writing, one for the horribly boring characters, one for the sexism (OMIGAWD THE SEXISM), one for the needless and graphic violence, and one just to let you know that this entire fic is devoid of any entertainment value whatsoever. You have been warned.
Full Name (including any titles): Ryan “Roxas” Hall, Sora O’Reily. (There's a million more, but they're not worth remembering.)
Full Species(es): Scum of the earth.
Hair Color (include adjectives): The quick summary for this part is to say that sometimes hair is same as canon, sometimes it’s something entirely different. There is never any good reason for either.
Eye Color (include adjectives): The most memorable colour is green. Why is it memorable? You’ll see.
Unusual Markings/Colorations/Physical Features: *shrugs*
Special Possessions (if any): Sora has a fancy stick masquerading as the Keyblade in one pocket and seemingly an Idiot Ball in the other, because incompetence like his has to be in tangible form. The story itself also has a weird love/hate relationship with Italy.

Origin: Frank Miller’s Guide to Fanfiction (with a foreword by Alan Moore)
Connections To Canon Characters: Stole their names. And then killed them to hide the evidence.
Special Abilities: Hallucinating others into believing anyone's had character development or changed in any way whatsoever.
Other Annoying Traits: Let’s save you some time and compress the answer down to “Everything not mentioned above.”

I Say/Notes:

Part One

WARNING FOR backstory detailing child abuse, including sexual abuse.

Chapter 3 : The Assignment

Roxas opened his eyes slowly. He blinked a couple times. He groaned, wishing he could go back to sleep. He was having the most fantastic dream.

Zexion: He dreamt he was in a story written by someone who knew how to edit and revise, and it was wonderful.

One where six men from an Organization promised him he could get revenge on everyone whoever crossed him.

Marluxia: Nice to know he wakes up crazy.

He smiled softly.

"Just a dream…"

Roxas: And I walked with him once upon a dream...

He sat up and stretched. He kicked the blankets off and slid to the side of the bed. He scratched his head lightly, not wanting to go to the kitchen and find his mother and father ignoring him for the millionth time.

Roxas: *continuously poking Marluxia in the shoulder* Hey, do you sympathize with me yet? Do you sympathize with me yet? Do you sympathize with me yet? Hey, hey, hey, do you? Do you, do you? Hey, hey, hey listen—
Marluxia: *summons scythe*
Roxas: *shrinking away* Okay, stopping now.

He stood and exited his room. He was oblivious to the huge mirror that was across from his bed. He ignored his black robes and black boots. He ignored the white walls and beautiful nuances in the architecture.

Vexen: It makes him seem stupider that way.

He only stopped when he came to the lavish kitchen.

Lexaeus: He never noticed that his house now had an elevator and several flights of stairs?
Vexen: Again, stupider that way.

At the table was Axel.


Larxene: (as Roxas) Why do you have to be the first thing I see this morning?

Axel looked up. "Oh, it's Roxasshole."

Vexen: Yes, keep showing the maturity of a nine-year old.

Roxas glared at him.

"What's up?"

Roxas shook his head. "It's not a dream."

Axel stood and threw his half eaten bowl of cereal in the sink. "Not shit, Sherlock.

Marluxia: Not the right saying, Sherlock.

You really did sign your life away."

Axel: (as self) So how does it feel to not have a soul?
Roxas: (as self) Pfft, souls are overrated. Black leather will last forever.
Mog: *from notes* Everyone else is doing stuff.

"So, what do I do?"

Axel: Vacation!
Roxas: But what do I do during vacation?

Axel opened the fridge and drank some orange juice from the carton. "Whatever you want until you're called."

Lexaeus: And people thought Days was boring.

"How will I know they need me?" Roxas asked quickly. "What if I'm out?"

"Oh, that reminds me," Axel said, digging into his pocket. "This is yours." He tossed a slim cell phone at Roxas, who caught it.

Roxas: It’s the same model as He's Gone Away Ven’s, never meant to be used.


Roxas: (as self) I was kinda hoping for a cool gadget, like an earpiece that fits right into my ear canal, but this works too.

Axel grunted and sat back at the table. Roxas wanted to say something else, but he couldn't think of anything. He swallowed and went back to his room. When he passed Larxene's room, the door slid open.

"Good Morning," Larxene said. She wasn't naked this time. She was wearing her robes, which hugged her tightly.

Larxene: (as self) *bask* Yeah, take it all in, men, take it all in. I can make fabric do whatever the hell I want it to.

Roxas blushed. "Good morning."

"Zexy wants to see you." She motioned for him to come in.

Zexion: If she calls me “Sexy Zexy” I swear—
Roxas: If I can’t leave, neither can you.

Roxas swallowed the forming lump in his throat. When he entered Larxene's room, he saw Zexion sitting at her desk, but there was something else that caught his eye. Many knives, needles, and other sharp objects were lined on a leather pad. He was tempted to pick one up, but he thought better of it.

Vexen: He would have to learn to suppress his killer urges.


Zexion closed the manila envelope. He sighed and scratched his arm. Roxas noticed that it was covered in small pockmarks. Zexion stood up and handed him the file.

"Take this to Saix." He said casually.

"I don't know where he is," Roxas whispered.

"Call him then," Zexion said. And though he was sure he didn't mean it, Roxas thought he was insulting him.

"How do I—"

"For the love of God."

Zexion: (as self) I'm praying for anything to happen soon.

"Calm down, Zexy," Larxene said playfully. "He's new. He's not supposed to know everything. Don't make me punish you…"

Zexion smirked. "Please. Do."

Zexion: Please. Don’t.

Roxas backed out of Larxene's room quickly as she reached for a needle with lightning speed, and stabbed it into Zexion's arm.

Larxene: And hit a major artery, killing him in moments.
Zexion: If only that were true.

He tensed and closed his eyes. He turned around and bumped into a tall figure.

"H-Hi" Roxas stammered. The figure had its hood up. "I'm new here. Uh…"

Axel: (as Roxas) Which way's the biology lab?

The figure swooped upon him and covered his mouth. "Scream and I'll kill you." Then, it laughed.

The voice sounded eccentric. Roxas instantly panicked.

Roxas: (as self) Eccentrics! My one weakness! Must! Get! Free!

He struggled against the figure's grip.


Roxas turned. Saix was stalking down the hallway. He looked livid. There was unmistakable anger in his tone and his eyes. He was a totally different person.

Axel: It's almost like he had blue hair and was recognizable.
Mog: *from notes* Marluxia lets go, Axel grabs him, Roxas drops papers, then Axel looks like he's going to punch Marluxia.

"Go ahead," he giggled. "Do it. I-I dare you…"

Roxas: (as Marluxia) I double dog dare you!

Axel reached back to punch him, but Saix stopped him. "Marluxia. You and I need to talk."

Marluxia smiled arrogantly, and slid past Axel, dripping with swagger.

Lexaeus: You should take a shower to get rid of that.

"Nice try."

"I'll fuck you up."

Marluxia grinned at Axel's threat. "Give it your best shot, Guido. I'll wait." He giggled again.

Roxas: Cool, we're in Rob Marshall's Nine now.
Axel: Uh, Roxas—
Larxene: Don’t. I want to see him squirm when he figures it out.

"Marluxia!" Saix called. "Now."

Roxas instantly didn't like Marluxia. He shuddered at the way he walked, and his voice reminded him of a killer. He sounded like a murderous heathen.

Roxas: And he reminds me of a killer, in case I didn’t make that clear.

He briefly forgot that he had to give Saix his file, but upon remembering, he dashed down the hallway.

Roxas: Air Dashed, to be precise.


Saix turned around. He took the folder from him without a word. Marluxia looked at him again.

"I look forward to working with you…Roxas."

The way he said Roxas made him dislike his new title.

Zexion: So change it. This is in no way a problem.

Roxas grimaced and turned away as bravely as he could. He hoped that Marluxia took it as a snub, because he honestly scared the shit out him.

Marluxia: All in a day's work.
Mog: *from notes* Roxas goes to his room and looks at his new cloak.


Those words felt so real to him. His parent no longer mattered. School, work,

Larxene: If you consider being a whiny loser work.

friends. They didn't matter.

Vexen: Although that wasn’t such a big deal, considering he had no friends.
Lexaeus: Which, it must be said, isn’t a joke. This character legitimately has no friends to speak of before this story started.

He had a real family, and they all appreciated his contribution to the world.

Zexion: His deadly contribution to the world. It is strange how other people rarely appreciate that.

He sighed and placed his robe on the hook. He looked around at his room a little more carefully. He noticed there was a frame on the other side. He walked up to it, reading the text carefully.

Roxas: Drink... more... Ovaltine...

Ryan "Roxas" Hall. Member number XIII. Author of The Chaos Theory: A Study of Anarchy and the Butterfly Effect. Role in Organization: Chaos Theorist

Roxas smiled.

Axel: You shouldn’t. It’s just fancy talk for “you sit on your ass all day and do nothing.”
Mog: *from notes* Roxas is now needed in the den.

Saix stood up. He looked different, like he had been in a fight, though there was no physical damage done. He just looked ruffled. He was frowning; the change in his demeanor was evident.

Zexion: It's like the writers couldn't decide which description to choose so they thought, hell, let's throw everything onto the page and see what sticks.
Roxas: It’s like wordplay spaghetti!

Roxas was sure that it was Marluxia's fault.

Marluxia: Actually, it's your fault. Saix is realizing his mistake of recruiting you and spent an hour banging his head against the wall.

"We have a quick assignment for you," Saix said. He was carrying a black folder.

Axel: The regular folders aren't badass enough for us.

"It's espionage, so Axel will be going with you."

"Yay…" Axel replied lazily.

Saix ignored Axel's slight. "We are in the process of preparing a… presentation for the Senate.

Lexaeus: Dramatic pauses and all.
Mog: *from notes* Roxas is told he and Axel are doing surveillance so they go to get dressed. Axel is amazed at how quickly Roxas gave his loyalty.
Roxas: He's not the only one.

Roxas didn't respond. Of course he was going to be loyal. He had been offered a place in this world, and a family that cared for him.

Axel: I missed the last time he said that two minutes ago so I’m glad it’s brought up again.

The least he could do was give them what they wanted. Undying loyalty? No problem.

Marluxia: Your soul to the devil is a lovely exchange.

Axel left hurriedly. Roxas followed him, wearing a simple white t-shirt and a pair of jeans. He looked in Axel's mirror.

"I look foreign." He said matter-of-factly.

Vexen: Truly a brilliant disguise! No one in the United States has ever worn a plain white T-shirt and jeans!
Roxas: If we wanted to go dressed up like tourists we should have gone like this:

He went to the kitchen. Zexion was sitting at the table. Axel was sitting across from him. He had a beer in his hand.

"It's ten in the fucking morning, Axel," Zexion said, slightly peeved.

Roxas: Aw, no “bloody” this time.
Zexion: *in worst accent ever that sounds more Australian than British* Sorry, I forgot to be British there for a moment.

"Why are you drinking?"

"I'm going to spy on a bunch of Senators." Axel responded. "I need this."

Roxas opened the fridge tentatively. He still didn't feel as if he were wholly welcomed.

Larxene: Is that why we're constantly listening to you blabbering on about *in falsetto* “Yay, I'm in a family, people that finally understand me, yaaaaay!”

He rooted around for a little bit and pulled out some grapes.

Vexen: And now we sit and read as he eats each one individually.
Mog: C'mon, the fic's not that bad.
Vexen: Every single useless detail has been described. It IS that bad!

He washed them off and ate them quickly. Axel had finished his early morning alcohol, and was at the door.

Saix walked Roxas out. "Pay attention to everything. I want a full report. And, I want you to make sure that this…" He held up a small package. "Gets into a Senator's pocket. It' will be crowded, so it shouldn't be too difficult.

Zexion: There will be plenty of witnesses around so it shouldn't be too difficult.

Don't be—"

Roxas: —singing frogs dressed in top hats. Too conspicuous.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," Axel said quickly. "Don't be seen, and make sure you're foreign and blah blah blah. We get it."

Axel: (as self) Did you SEE how white my t-shirt is?
Mog: *from notes* Now back to Sora!

Sora was still curled on the dusty floor of the computer shop. He had spent the whole night crying.

Vexen: Instead of using that cell phone of his to call somebody.
Roxas: Maybe Sora's the only person in the world who has no grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, neighbours, teachers, doctors, mailmen, faithful dog, or friends he could contact. You never know.

He missed his parents and wished he had stayed at the hotel room so he could have stopped the monster that was Marluxia.

Vexen: Because the barely pubescent boy could have stopped the large man with a scythe.
Roxas: Well, he did.
Marluxia: Quiet.

It was rather cold in the store, and he couldn't pull himself together. He was beginning to resent New York.

Lexaeus: Shockingly, being forced to lose your parents and question your own mortality is not on most people’s vacation itinerary.

He sighed softly. He heard Riku stir.

Larxene: Riku’s one of those coffee drinkers you hate, who clinks their spoon against the top of the mug a bunch after they put in their cream and sugar.
Mog: *from notes* Sora has a frog in his throat.

Riku sat up. "So, now it begins, I guess."

Axel: (as Riku) I think so, I'm not really sure what we're doing.

Sora nodded absently. "I just want my parents back."

"Well, it's going to take time," Riku said.

Zexion: Twenty-some long-winded chapters sounds about right.

"We need to first get a little information about what happened exactly."

Riku stood and nudged Kairi with his foot. She woke and yawned. "Where are we off to?"

"Breakfast." Riku said. "Sora, you're going to have to pick up on a whole new set of skills if you're going to survive.

Vexen: Carpentry, metalwork, juggling, whatever you choose.

I don't expect you to get it right the first time, but you fuck up, and you're good as dead."

Roxas: Thanks for the inspiring pep talk, Jerkwad-Riku.

Sora nodded. Riku made him nervous.

Zexion: Why? He's been so kind thus far.

"Stop scaring him." Kairi whispered.

Riku ignored her, "First pick something out as a weapon. Nobody uses this shop.

Lexaeus: That’s why it has equipment in it and isn’t locked.
Mog: *from notes* Noises outside mean danger so Sora picks up the previously dropped Keyblade.

There was a button that he had missed when he looked at it last time. He pushed it,

Larxene: Just for the hell of it.

and dropped the Keyblade. He sucked on his thumb and winced. He looked at it and was shocked to see a pinpoint size puncture. It was bleeding, but that wasn't what hurt.

Axel: Bullshit it doesn’t. Have you ever had your finger pricked at a blood donor clinic? Hurts like a mother!

A burning sensation ran up his arm. He shook his arm wildly to rid himself of the uncomfortable feeling. It subsided, but he didn't have enough time to think about it.

Marluxia: He wouldn't think about it until the tetanus set in.

Riku had pulled him out into the back alleyway. "Prepare to fight."

Sora held up the Keyblade. It was short, not much of a weapon, but he had figured with a name like Keyblade, it was bound to do something spectacular.

Vexen: Computer accessories usually make great weapons.
Mog: *from notes* They go outside to meet the human equivalents of Donald and Goofy and—
Axel: Wait, what?!
Roxas: Disney characters in a Kingdom Hearts AU? Say it isn't so!
Mog: Um... it's so, kupo?
(long pause)
Roxas: *happy dance*
Mog: *from notes* Anyway, Donald is called “Don” instead, and Goofy's real name is Gerald. “Goofy” is just a nickname (It would have been fun if they called him “Dawg”. “Dippy Dawg” to be precise.) Kairi says there's news on the TV.

"In another surprising attack, twenty people were killed in what appeared to be a drug related mass murder.

Axel: SURPRISE! I got you a present!
Roxas: What is it?
Axel: DEATH!
Roxas: But you got me that last Christmas!
Axel: You’re so hard to shop for!

The Chief of Police says that the Heartless gang is responsible for the gruesome bloodshed, and that they have become much more brave. He advises all citizens of New York to watch out for any suspicious activity.

Larxene: (as citizen) Hey, Chief of Police? Yeah, my dog keeps peeing on my floor when she's never done that before, which I find suspicious. Does that mean she's a member of the Heartless gang?

He also wishes to put out an alert for a Sora O'Reiley. He was apparently at the scene of the crime but disappeared during the events.

Zexion: His parents also disappeared in said events, but they aren't game protagonists so no one will bother reporting on them.

Anybody who has tips regarding the whereabouts of Sora O'Reily or any information leading to the capture of the one responsible for this grisly scene can call…"

Roxas: ...867-5309.
Vexen: So where was the relation to drugs in all of that?

Sora coughed, trying to disguise his sadness.

Zexion: “Sadness” has to be the most underwhelming word you could use for this situation.

Riku crossed his arms. He looked angry, but he managed to put on a calm exterior.

Marluxia: He's just that special.

"It's time to go."

Kairi nodded and grabbed a light pink backpack. It matched her outfit, which was short.

Axel: If that was a short skirt, short sweater, or short lederhosen, THAT'S UP TO YOU, READERS!

She brushed her hair behind her ear and left the store.

"Where is she…?" Sora started, but Riku cut him off.

Kairi came back shortly after leaving. She smiled. "Clear."

Vexen: Yes, send her out to check for the all-clear, and not the boy we've seen chasing murderers with a metal pipe. That's the safest decision for you all.
Mog: *from notes* They leave the store.

Sora stood on the sidewalk, squinting in the bright sun. He looked across the street.

Roxas: Still confused on what exactly it meant when a hotel “flew into a frenzy” because that doesn't actually describe anything.
Axel: Unless the building grew wings and took off to escape from this fic.

The yellow police tape was still fluttering in the breeze, but everything looked normal. Like twenty people did not just lose their life last night.

Marluxia: We killed a hive-mind.
Mog: *from notes* Sora and Kairi talk, which Riku says looks suspicious. At the beginning of Chapter 4 is a long author's note that contains this:

-Although I am not racist against Italian, I will admit that I AM against the modern-day interpretation of "Guidos". Fuck those idiots.

Zexion: I have nothing against them. That's why I refer to them in derogatory slurs and will most likely write them in the most offensive way possible.
Lexaeus: The proven way to get rid of intolerance is to never change our attitudes.
Larxene: Now I watch you writhe.
Mog: *from notes* Then there's a long description of a Suzie’s Diner and then a tall man walks up to them and starts talking to Riku.

"Not quite," said Riku. "These Heartless weren't like others. They were wearing these black robes, and- Oh, shit, where are my manners?

Roxas: Left behind like most canon is about to be.

Mick, this is Sora O'Reily. No, not O'Reilly; I don't think we need ol' Bill's conservative and hairy asshole in our exploits against the Heartless.

Larxene: Tangent, much?

Anyways, Sora's parents were taken by these guys last night.

Roxas: (as Riku) You may have heard about it on Plot Convenience News this morning.

He's promised to go along with us in our fight against the Heartless if it means getting his parents back, in any way, shape or form.

Marluxia: He'd prefer them to be solids, but liquids, gases, or plasmids work fine.
Vexen: Although Bose-Einstein condensates might be fun.

So you can trust him."

Zexion: (as Riku) We've known him for one night and have no information on who he is, but you can totally trust him, it's okay.

The man shook Sora's hand. "I'm terribly sorry, son. However, you can be assured that I'm doing what I can to stop these things from happening. My name is Michael Mouse, although most friends call me 'Mickey' or 'Mick'.

Vexen: I have to question why the mouse is tall. Why is the mouse tall?
Axel: And how the hell are they gonna explain the falsetto voice?
Zexion: He was in a freak helium accident. It's as realistic as everything else so far.

Although it is illegal for a Senator such as myself to do such things, I am in control of the anti-Heartless movement. Riku and Kairi here are my agents. Don and Goofy are my bodyguards. And, if you're dedicated to doing this, you are now my agent as well."

Lexaeus: If I have this straight, this man is a government official knowingly and willingly doing illegal business and using children for his dirty work.
Marluxia: This man's a genius. I have a new role model.

"I am dedicated, sir," said Sora firmly.


Axel: (as Mouse) You can leave your soul at the door.

Then, you can start your dedication by giving me information on the appearance of your kidnappers." Senator Mouse pulled a small notebook from his breast pocket, and clicked a pen. He looked at Sora expectedly.

Roxas: Senator Mouse is practicing to be an old-timey detective.

Immediately, the recollection of the man with pink hair and scythe that had burned into Sora's brain almost blurred his vision.

"One man," he said. "Had pink hair. Carried a scythe around. His teammate, who I couldn't see 'cause of the hood, called him 'Marluxia'."

Mouse dropped his pen, and his mouth opened into a gape.

"Pink hair?" he asked, eyes wide. "Carried a scythe?"

Axel: (as Mouse) That's unbelievable. Unrealistic, even!


"Jesus-fuckin' Almighty," Senator Mouse whispered.

Larxene: It's a good thing we're unable to give two whits or else I might've been annoyed right there.

He turned to Riku, who also looked fearful.

Zexion: Mickey Mouse is cursing. There is much to fear.

"Marla Shift," hissed Riku grimly.

All others at the table, with the exception of Sora, looked aghast.

"Sorry," said Sora. "But who is 'Marla Shift'?"

Mouse cleared his throat before explaining, "Marla Shift is one of New York's most dangerous serial killers. Shift grew up with his psychotic father who wanted a daughter, and named his son a feminine name out of hopes that would make Fate or God or whatever turn his son into a woman. When that didn't work, the crazed man chopped his son's genitalia off when the boy was just three years-old."

Axel: Because when you think Kingdom Hearts, you think castration!
Larxene: *puts a hand on confused Marluxia’s shoulder* Yes, it’s true. This man has no dick.

Sora felt his breakfast churn revoltingly in his stomach.

Roxas: (as Sora) Y'know, when I asked “Who is Marla Shift”, you could have just said “He's a serial killer, that's all you need to know.”
Axel: (as Mouse) But wait! I haven't even gotten to the fun part yet. Take a listen to this!

"The father was arrested, and, mentally scarred by this traumatic event, Marla Shift went to an orphanage, where he was constantly mocked by other students for acting feminine and having an interest in flowers, which he would frequently string from his hair.

Vexen: He could have simply stopped putting flowers in his hair, but that option was too easy.
Marluxia: I didn’t think people had such a grudge against the flower crown fad.

Now, at the age of twelve, most boys start experimenting with masturbation. Marla, at age twelve, experimented as well, by tying up and sodomizing many other orphans, both male and female.

Vexen: The caretakers were too busy making tuna sandwiches at the time to notice.

"None of the orphans told their superiors, out of fear and confusion. Eventually, Marla was adopted by a man named Chris Hart, who lived in Hell's Kitchen, where Marla spent the remainder of his life, being tormented by the gangsters there and his new father, who turned out to be a child molester.

Roxas: Wait, Chris Hart... That guy that makes those How to Draw Manga books?
Marluxia: Fantastic, now I have a legitimate reason to hate him.

While growing up in a dysfunctional lifestyle,

Roxas: His life only became dysfunctional now?!

Marla found solace in one place: Luxia, a seafood restaurant in Hell's Kitchen. Luxia is still opened today,

Vexen: In the past participle, apparently.

and still has what attracted Marla: a garden-like interior. Marla made friends with the gardener of Luxia, and his interest in all things floral began to grow.

Lexaeus: Pun... not intended?
Zexion: And you can read all about it in his best-selling biography.

"At the age of nineteen, without a proper education and still living with his adoptive father, Marla was able to successfully plant thick vines, which he then used to strangle Chris Hart.

Roxas: Did he kill him with the vines or did the vines kill him?
Axel: (as vines) CHARGE, MEN! If he doesn't move we can reach him in two months!

Marla went on the run, and realized that he got an excitement out of killing people, innocent or not. Soon, many murders occurred throughout a five-year span, the bodies all being shells to a couple of plants that someone had grown inside of them.

Marluxia: Death by petunias.
Axel: I love these complete failures of logic because then the science nerds cringe and grind their teeth.

"I've no clue how Marla eventually came into possession of an actual scythe,

Zexion: Because why fill in the interesting plot holes?

but he began to slowly chop his victims into pieces with it, then "planting" their destroyed bodies in Central Park.

Roxas: Um... Isn’t he telling this gruesome story to children?
Lexaeus: Isn’t he telling this to children in a public restaurant?
Axel: Mickey’s a bit of an idiot in this story.

He was finally arrested just a year ago, when he executed a businessman by pushing him off a building with a vine around his neck.

Roxas: Luckily, though, Mr. Incredible was there to save the day.

Officers were able to get to him before his escape,

Lexaeus: They waited at the bottom of the elevator.

and he was sent to prison, where he was yet again tormented, this time by fellow prisoners."

Sora's throat had locked up. He hadn't felt so repulsed in his life, and wanted desperately to take a shower, as if the story of this deranged killer's origins had forever dirtied him.

Zexion: Seems congruous with the entire fic thus far.

He took a sip of coffee, hoping the warmth would soothe him; it did not. Kairi placed a hand on his shoulder sadly, yet he felt his heart helplessly leap with pleasure.

Roxas: Almost had three-out-of-three on the adverbs there.
Axel: (as Sora) I've just heard the story of a soulless killer who could be doing unspeakable things to my parents. TIME TO BE HORNY!!

It was not long-lasting, however, and soon he was back to a repulsed state-of-mind.

Larxene: (as Sora) Damn castration stories killing my buzz.

When he could finally speak, he said, "This man, Marla, seemed to be homosexual.

Vexen: What kind of conclusion is that to jump to? THIS is the boy I lost a game of cards to?

We could check some homosexual clubs, see if he's there."

Vexen: And not the restaurant he likes because...? Again, how could I be defeated by such an idiotic boy?!

The Senator shook his head. "Marla Shift is not a homosexual.

Marluxia and Larxene: *fist-bump of celebration*
Roxas: The world doesn’t need more queer-coding.

In fact, I don't think he has any sort of sexual attraction. He is a monster, raised by monsters. He does not feel, unless he is killing someone or planting a pretty flower.

Marluxia: I'm liking this story more and more all of a sudden.

And it makes sense how he would want to be called 'Marluxia' by his co-workers.

Marluxia: He makes it sound like I work at a McDonalds.

"Although I know you want to focus on this man, your enemy, I need to know all the information you can give me.

Zexion: (as Mouse) Rhyme off pi to the nearest decimal this very second.

Were there any others with 'Marluxia'?"

"T-two others," said Sora. He felt tears burning on the bridge of his nose, ready to erupt from his eyes.

Axel: Damn volcano tears.
Vexen: If I'm reading that correctly, Sora has his tear ducts on his nose.

"One was the hooded guy that I did not see. The other was…well, no…it couldn't be…"

Roxas: (as Sora) Mr.Clean would never kidnap my parents! Mom always kept the bathroom floor neat!
Mog: *from notes* Sora is sure he saw Demyx which means transitioning to a scene of Demyx himself, who thinks about how much he loves the ocean.

Instead of the Organization robes, which would certainly cause attention and kill him with heat, Demyx was wearing a T-shirt and bathing suit.

(Everyone but Roxas suddenly cringes)
Roxas: You all just made a bad mental image, didn't you?

Nobody on the boardwalk really recognized him as the Demyx, and he was once again reminded at how low his CDs had been selling, and how little he had of a fanbase.

Vexen: But he still has a “hit single”.

Whatever. As long as he could make music and not be bothered during his alone time, it was all good.

Roxas: Those innocent people he had to kidnap and murder? All good as long as he was a failing musician.

Lately, the boardwalk had been plagued with some ridiculous fucking show produced by MTV, the everfucking Jersey Shore.

Axel: Ooh, making fun of Jersey Shore. THAT'S original.

Shirts about "Guidos" and "Situations" and whatnot covered every other store. It was things like Jersey Shore that made Demyx feel that the world was better off dead, or at least infected with the Virus.

Marluxia: I agree on this point.
Zexion: Don't you hate anything pop culture?
Marluxia: Yes.

He didn't mind coming here alone. In fact, he preferred it.

Larxene: And when he's killed everyone with the virus that totally won't backfire on him, he can have the ocean all to himself!
Mog: *from notes* Zexion shows up and likes the ocean because it's mysterious.

And here Zexion was now, wearing a T-Shirt and bathing suit

(Everyone cringes again)
Roxas: Shorts, guys! Think of shorts!
Mog: *from notes* Larxene's also there in a bathing suit and is described as having a "glorious-shaped body".
Larxene: Hot damn, good on me.
Mog: Thought you'd enjoy that bit. *from notes* Then there's small talk on how fun deadly viruses are.

"Oooh," moaned Larxene suddenly. "Zexy, can we do the cranes? I wanna do the cranes."

She pulled him towards an open-door arcade, and Demyx saw Zexion's eyes roll as he passed by. The musician stared after the couple, amused. Larxene was not a regular girl, he knew, and would normally never want her "boyfriend" to get her a stuffed animal from a fucking crane game. However, no matter how much she was not normal, she clearly so wanted to be. She and Zexion had only been dating for, what? A couple weeks, if that? Perhaps it was her way of escaping her life as a terrorist-scientist, and be like everyone else. And, although Zexion either lacked the ability to feel for anyone but himself, or simply chose to not feel for anybody but himself, Demyx did believe that Larxene loved him. And, Demyx believed, if she had met Zexion more than two years ago, he probably would have actually loved her back.

Axel: Holy shit, character development!
Zexion: It's almost like the story is trying to fix itself into being good.
Roxas: Keep trying, fic! You can do it! Just keep trying!

Demyx had never really heard the whole story of Zexion's life before joining the Organization, but got the gist of it;

Axel: He was a creepy child that had the same stupid haircut.

Zeke Fender was an outstanding student with an interest in various fields, yet graduated high school with poor grades due to underachievement.

Zexion: Yet I was still outstanding. I'm amazingly contradictory that way.

Fender wanted nothing to do with school, either because he felt like it wasn't challenging enough, or because he was such a narcissist to the point where he truly felt he was better than his peers, and was utterly revolted at the idea of sitting next to them everyday.

Zexion: At the moment the only person beside me is Lexaeus, and I don’t have any complaints against that.
Lexaeus: I appreciate the nod towards our oft ignored friendship.
Larxene: *eye roll* Get a basement already, you two.

However, although he may have had disgust for most of his classmates,

Roxas: That still liked him, for some reason?

he apparently fell for a girl, and fell hard.

Axel: On his face, and she laughed at him, and his life was forever ruined, the end.

To the point of stalking her, even. Of course, she eventually lashed out on him, and then a specific event happened that Zexion only referred to as "the turning point in which she humiliated me".

Lexaeus: I would say “and then All The Evil happened” but then I'd be reminding myself none of you have actual problems.
Marluxia: I have a legitimate excuse for why I'm screwed up. It's the rest of you I couldn't care less about.
Roxas: This is kinda funny since you didn't have any reason for why you were taking over the Organization.
Marluxia: I had plenty of reason.
Axel: Just for the hell of it?
Marluxia: What other reason is there?

Since "the turning point", Zeke spent the remainder of his school days depressed, and as soon as he graduated, decided to use his intellect for a life of anarchy by joining the Heartless.

Zexion: One girl is all the reason you need to turn to terrorism.
Axel: I was kidding when I said “then his life was ruined, the end.” The jokes aren't funny when they become real.

This, like public school, did Zexion no wonders, for he felt it was his planning and operations that had given the Heartless such a big name.

Vexen: He was wrong, of course, but that's how he felt.

Eventually, he detached from the Internet terrorists, and did solo acts around his hometown.

Lexaeus: His classifield ads in the local paper didn't get much response, unfortunately.
Roxas: It was right next to the one saying “If you like pina colitas and getting caught in the rain, call...”

Eventually, he was found by Member I, the Leader of Organization XIII, the Head Honcho.

Axel: The guy with the dumb name.

Whatever the Big Guy said to Zeke sparked inspiration in the young academic, and the boy named Zeke Fender was destroyed; in his place was "Zexion".

Axel: But the hair stayed. The hair will always stay.
Zexion: Stop making fun of my hair!

Demyx was startled out of his thoughts when he realized a girl in an even skimpier bikini than Larxene's was walking over to him.

Larxene: Abort backstory, there are boobs on the horizon!

A short girl, long black hair, hell of an ass, nothing left for the imagination up front.

Vexen: I can already tell that this story will respect women and what they contribute to society.

Every curve bounced as she walked, and now it was Demyx's turn to blush.

"Hey, sexy," she said, winking. Demyx half-grinned, a little taken-aback, and looked up to see the girl's trashy friends all watching her and giggling.

Roxas: The tin cans in their hair and left-over pizza complemented their eyes so nicely.

"You wanna come hang with us? Ditch the nerd and the ugly bitch in the arcade?" She said this through an obnoxious chewing of sugary gum which accompanied her warm breath that landed on Demyx's face.

Axel: (as girl) Haaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

"Away with you, whore," Demyx muttered.

Roxas: (as Demyx, waving hand) I have no need of non-ocean women.

He felt rather embarrassed, now.

She guffawed and mocked him, "'Away with you'? Ha! What're you, Harry Potter?

Axel: Cuz Harry Potter uses the word “whore” a lot?

I just wanted to suck you off.

Larxene: (as girl) Don't be such a spoilsport!

Unless you like men?"

Larxene: (as Demyx) According to most fanfics, yeah. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

"I-er-stop. Just stop. Leave me alone, now."

Now she shrieked with laughter, and said, "He is gay! You were right, Stacey! So do you like big dick?"

"No, I-I'm not gay. What the fuck are you-?"

Lexaeus: Heterosexual, I would assume.

"Yo, Lizzy!" spoke a deep voice. Demyx looked up from the little skank

Vexen: Normal, non-offensive descriptions would be a refreshing change of pace.

and saw a large, muscular young man with spiked-back hair and sunglasses, a pout on his face that no infant could match. His rather large arms were raised in a humongous shrug as he walked over to where Demyx and the girl were standing in front of the arcade.

Zexion: Ah, good, it's Stereo Type, the famous bully. I'm so happy to see him appear after all that pointless character introspection. For heaven's sake, the story was almost mature for a minute there.
Mog: *from notes* Mr. Type shoves Demyx.

The man spoke like a modern-day caveman.

Roxas: Somewhere, a Geiko commercial is being made.

"I been seein' you talkin' to ma'gurl, son. The fuck you trahn' ta pull?"

Vexen: Terrible phonetic dialogue, it seems.

"I'm not 'trahn'' anything, shitheels," replied Demyx coldly. "Your little whore came up to me."

"Oh, fuck you, man!"

Another shove. Demyx barely caught himself, yet again, only to get knocked down an instant later by the man's large, muscular fist which introduced itself to Demyx's face.

Axel: (as fist) Greetings and salutations, my good friend. My name is Fist That Will Hurt. Terribly sorry about all this.

The musician landed on the floor of the boardwalk, mouth bleeding, entire face throbbing. He felt another white hot pain enter his back as this simplistic-minded Guido kicked him in the back.

Roxas: And here I thought his back was hurting cuz the guy kicked him in the ear.

The man would've had another shot, if Zexion didn't come that very second and punch the man square in the face.

Marluxia: That was the fist of British rage.
Zexion: You couldn't see it but my fist was wearing a monocle.

"Who the fuck are you?" asked the man obnoxiously, dangerously cracking his knuckles.

"Doesn't matter. Leave him be," said Zexion coolly.

Roxas: And there's our three adverbs in a row! I knew we would eventually get that three-out-of-three I wanted earlier!

"No, fuck that! He's been messin' 'round with ma'gurl!"

"No, he has not, you asinine bag of worthless pus."

Although it hurt to do so, Demyx smiled as he picked himself up. The Z-bomb had been dropped.

Zexion: If any of you dare to call me that, you'll feel the wrath of Hell upon your heads.

"Assy-what?" asked the man, glaring. A circle had formed around Zexion and this stranger, whose girlfriend had rejoined her friends and was looking ecstatic.

Axel: (as girl) A nerd is insulting my boyfriend. BEST DAY EVAH!

Larxene came from the crowd and helped Demyx up, and Demyx saw a fierce look of passionate triumph and malicious pleasure in her wide, perfect smile.

Larxene: I've got a smokin' body AND perfect teeth? I'm a perfect catch!

Zexion laughed heartily before saying rather coldly, "I don't expect you to know what that means, imbecile. In fact, I don't expect you to know anything. You're nothing but a lowly insect beneath our feet. You contribute nothing to this society, worrying only about self-pleasure and your cesspool of sexually-transmitted diseases that you like to call your girlfriend. I would ask you to change your act, but you're too engulfed in an ocean of stupidity whilst posing on an ocean you know next to nothing about. I have half a mind to hang you by your neck from a God-damned rooftop. Never, ever, lay a finger on my friend again."

Marluxia: At least that's what he would have said, but after “imbecile” he was kicked four times, punched five, and had his hair pulled once.

Silence was greeted by this, for various reasons.

Roxas: Boredom?
Zexion: Wondering how the man can be in an ocean while posed on an ocean?
Vexen: Wanting to point out how the fancy speech loses any meaning with the petty cursing at the end?

Demyx knew the man was silent because of either shock or lack of comprehension, yet Demyx himself was silent because it had been the first time Zexion had ever referred to anyone as a friend.

Larxene: Aw, is Zexy trying to be cute? Is little Zexy trying to make friends?

Finally, the assailant spoke.

"Wh-…I'll kick your fucking ass, you sonofabitch!"

Roxas: (as Stereo Type) I express my emotions through actions. Here comes my foot of feelings!

He ran forward.

Zexion turned to face his two associates, his two friends,

Zexion: When did four people get here?

and winked at Larxene. Larxene laughed with malicious glee, as Zexion began to run down the boardwalk, the assailant running after him, the crowd running after them.

Vexen: Like dumb ducks.

"What the fuck is he doing?" asked Demyx, bemused.

Larxene said, laughing hysterically, "He's taking him to somewhere isolated…oh, and the guy's girlfriend, too, since she is running after them screaming, now. See, Zexy needs more test subjects. The Guido would've been okay by himself, but a whole crowd of people will be like a goldmine for my Zexy…but he'll need our help in collecting them."

Roxas: Get your Pokeballs ready.
Mog: *from notes* Zexion runs down the beach, past the lifeguards and employees (wait, where were they during the fight, kupo?) and decides it'd be best to go under the dock.

He turned and saw a flash of silver as the man swung the knife as hard as he could; it missed by barely an inch. Slightly panicked by the thought of being killed by a Guido on a beach,

Larxene: Has ‘Guido’ stopped looking like a word to anyone else?

Zexion closed his eyes and sprint faster than he ever had previously in his life.

Roxas: He went so fast he broke the grammar barrier.

Tufts of sand flew from behind him, smacking the adversary in the face. The Guido was relentless, however, and ignored the burning sand in his eyes, still fully focused on stabbing this skinny punk who had dared to insult him on his beach to death.

Axel: In front of his girl, need we remind you.
Lexaeus: How is it that this detour from the plot is able to became more and more boring?

Finally, with one last burst of energy, Zexion made it into the cool shade underneath the boardwalk. Swiftly,

Larxene: That's one long lasting burst of energy ya got there.

he ran through a couple of gaps between the pillars, wincing when the freezing cold foam of the salty waves covered his ankle

Zexion: I'm wearing only one sock today.

and lightly tugged at him, like a lover tugs his woman back into bed. Across one "hallway" of pillars, he could see the other side of the beach. Running back out in the open would not work, so he stuck to the plan and quietly snuck behind a wooden pillar, watching the "hallway" through which he had entered through.

Roxas: Why is ‘hallway’ in quotations?
Vexen: It's the author way for saying “I don't know the real word for this so please accept this different one.”

In came his opponent, and Zexion saw for the first time that the man was armed.

Marluxia: The knife earlier he'd mistaken for an “I Heart My Dog” keychain.

The man had no idea where Zexion had gone to, much to the latter's immense delight.

Something cold and hard hit Zexion from behind, a large wave that had amazingly seemed to sneak up on him.

Roxas: (as wave) Tag, you're it!
Mog: *from notes* "Now's the time to strike," kupo!

In came two more men, both dressed and accessorized almost exactly like the first man.

Zexion: Stero Type’s cousins Arche Type and Cliché McPointless have joined the fray.

They exchanged a couple words in their strange lingo,

Axel: (as Man 1) ?nem, dellik teg ot ydaer ouY
Roxas: (as Man 2) .ris, ecneinevnoc tolp rof gnilliw dna ydaeR

before they all started looking around for the would-be-dead intellect. It wasn't until Zexion saw another, more comforting movement slip into the shade of the boardwalk that he revealed himself to the buffoons.

"Looking for someone?" he asked loudly. All three turned with a jolt.

Marluxia: Larxene's doing.

The First Man

Roxas: That ever existed?

grinned in pleasure.

"Ready to get yo' pale ass gutted?" said the man.

Zexion: I'm more worried about my pale stomach, actually.

He moved forward with the knife while his friends jeered behind him.

Then, something stopped him. His eyes widened in horror, his mouth dropped into a gape, and he dropped his weapon onto the sandy ground, where it was swept up by the following wave that came underneath the boardwalk.

The Guido toppled forward and fell, face-first, into the wet sand. The hilt of a knife protruded from his back like a grotesque spike.

Axel: Yes! He's dead! We don't have to read the word 'Guido' anymore!

His two friends stared at the body in horror, one on the right of him, the other on the left.

Vexen: They'd had no trouble finding their marks for this scene.

The one on the right was so aghast, that he did not notice when his friend's killer came up from behind him. He did notice, however, when she slit his throat and left him choking on his own blood, twitching in the sand.

Zexion: He noticed it just a bit. Mosquito bite, bee sting, knife to the throat— practically interchangeable.

The last thuggish

Roxas: Splicer!


Roxas: Darn.
Mog: *from notes* The not-splicer dies.

"Piece a'cake," said the sadist gleefully,

Larxene: I give myself an A+

and she skipped over to Zexion, whose mouth was also opened in a gape.

Axel: (as Zexion) Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

"That was," he whispered. "Very impressive."

Zexion: That was. Needlessly fragmented.

She looked up at him and kissed him.

Larxene: Eww I've got bookworm spit on me!

It was a very odd process for Zexion, who had the tendency to observe every little element in every little sensation. He had never been kissed on the lips before, and found it interesting how perfectly their lips fit together, and the pressure of every other part of their face

Axel: They've been sucking face so long they're starting to merge together!

just seemed to amplify the softness of their mouths. For the first time in his life, he genuinely smiled at his girlfriend, and she smiled back.

Vexen: Surrounded by dead bodies is the perfect time for blossoming romance.
Larxene: So this is the first time we've had any physical contact? Heh. We really were making the noises earlier just to freak Roxas out.

Demyx emerged from behind one of the pillars, scowling at Larxene's victims.

Axel: Before kicking sand in their faces and saying “No, fuck you, man.”

"What do we do with them?" asked the musician.

Larxene: A puppet show!
Roxas: *disgusted*

"Just leave them," commanded Zexion, arm around Larxene's shoulder. Larxene was blushing something awful.

Larxene: I do not blush. Little moe girls blush. I glow with awesome, thanks very much.
Axel: Having a conversation while half-naked? A-okay. One chaste kiss? *fans self* Oh Lord have mercy on my sinful soul!

"We can't do anything about them just yet. I'll call Xigbar later, he can come out and get the bodies while we stay overnight, then bring them back to the labs."

Roxas: We might want to give the lifeguards and employees a heads up before we go.

"Will the Virus work on a dead body?"

"Of course it will."

Axel: (as Zexion) Do not question my logic, puny human!

"Oh. Alrighty then…"

Axel: (as Demyx) So who's up for dinner and a movie?
Mog: *from notes* They call Xigbar and are off to a tavern.

They sat at a booth, each with a bottle of beer, in the noisiest bar in town; the nosiest bar meant they would not be overheard.

Roxas: Everyone inside has the same big loud opinion but nobody's listening.
Axel: Drunk and grumbling about how Taylor Swift can't sing.
Marluxia: ...You need to be drunk to make that assessment?

"What news of the boy?" Zexion asked Xigbar.

"Dunno," said the assassin. "He went on some reconnaissance mission with Axel. Axel. God help the poor kid…"

Axel: I'm being immensely immature to him as we speak.

"He went on recon?" said Demyx, incredulous. "On his first day? Jeezum-crow.

Larxene: (as Demyx) Jimminy Cricket, that's gosh-darned neato!

The Big Guy must really trust him."

Lexaeus: Or he was the last resort, seeing as the rest of you are at the beach and drinking alcohol.

"I like him, to be quite frank," said Xigbar. "And so does Saix. Sees him almost like a son. I guess I sorta do, too. He's awfully damn young, but he's a nice kid."

Marluxia: And I failed to imagine Xigbar saying a syllable of that.
Vexen: There wasn't enough cryptic foreshadowing in there.

Zexion scoffed. Everyone turned to him, including Xigbar, eyebrows raised.

"A nice kid," said Zexion, his voice thick with cynicism. "A nice kid can be easily persuaded.

Vexen: That is how you got him to join in the first place.

What if he's not what we think he is? He seems rather out there.

Roxas: Somewhere out there, to be specific. Beneath the pale moonlight.

As in, not like the rest of us."

"He's hurt, Zeke," spat Xigbar.

Axel: Aw, now we've got Xigbar spit in our beer!

"Just like the rest of us. You, of all people, should understand."

Instead of getting angry, Zexion just looked out the window a small smile playing on his lips,

Zexion: Like a harmonica.

a mental stigmata crucifying him to the past.

Vexen: Crucifixion- you're using it wrong.

His mind was instantly in another place, far away from this small bar on the shore, to a high school football field where he had just told a hilarious joke,

Roxas: (as past!Zexion) —with fronds like these, who needs anemones?!

where the girl he loved most was laughing, her long red hair so smooth and shiny in the glorious sunlight, her freckled face and lively eyes that made his heart quake, the girl with such a beautiful name that rolled off the tongue, and that name was…

Axel: Ganondorf!


Roxas and Axel: DUN DUN DUNH!!!

Sora whispered as they made their way out of Susie's Diner. Senator Mouse was escorting the five of them out into the streets, waving for a taxi. "Where the heck is this guy taking us?"

He didn't know why he had asked such a useless question,

Zexion: For transition, obviously.
Roxas: Wanting to know where strangers are taking him doesn't seem so useless to me.

other than to simply talk to her. Riku was the leader, along with Mickey, Don and "Goofy" never even talked,

Roxas: Thank all the worlds for that. I've officially retracted the happy dance from earlier now that I've seen our average dialogue.

and Kairi was the only one who had ever offered any sort of legitimate kindness to Sora in this entire hellish adventure that had started just last night.

Axel: What, you mean to say Riku's absolute asshatery doesn't make you feel better?

That, plus he thought she was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen.

Vexen: I can only assume she's the only girl he's ever seen.

"We're going to Mickey's house," she whispered back to him.

Roxas: Hope you like seeing the shape of his head everywhere.
Mog: *from notes* The ultimate plan is going to Washington, D.C., while Sora stares a lot at Kairi.

And suddenly he was aware he didn't want to go on this trip just to save his family.

Roxas: (as Sora) The people that gave me life and raised me mean NOTHING compared to a hot girl.
Marluxia: I’d call that realistic.

5: Broken Recon

Marluxia, being the sick, twisted bastard that he was,

Marluxia: Thank you very much.

frequently loitered outside the restaurant of his childhood.

Vexen: The murders, the sociopathy, that was all fine. It's the loitering that let's you know how crazy he is.
Axel: Pretty sure that line was a joke.
Vexen: ... Of course. I was showing what a poor joke it was.

Luxia, the seafood place with the garden interior. Marluxia was given the day off, which was an unusual occurrence.

Zexion: Not so far, it isn't. It's everyone's day off.
Mog: *from notes* Some short thoughts on the Organization’s new member.

He never sat directly in front of the restaurant; for fear that the owner would recognize him, or worse, the gardener.

Zexion: The gardener would snip out that unneeded semi-colon if he saw him.

He had avoided going back inside though he loved their food, and was extremely interested in the new breed of Spanish Moss that they hung in their doorway.

Axel: Yeah, nothing more interesting in the world than moss.
Vexen: You say that sarcastically, but I'm sure most of us would rather learn up on Bryophytes than read any more of this terribly written fiction.

But, no, he had to remain hidden. He had to look like any other freak that patrolled the streets of New York. Even in the daytime, freaks were about.

Roxas: I thought you were supposed to shout if you're a freak like me, don't apologize, they can't hold you down because you were born to rise.

But none are as freaky as me, Marluxia thought excitedly. It was obvious that he was on the hunt.

He had decided to wear something much more feminine that usual.

Marluxia: No. No, I was being treated competently for a moment. Go back to that, don't go down this road.

Saix told him that wearing the Organization's robes was ill-advised and that he had to remain…

But Saix knows nothing about my craft.

Larxene: Popsicle stick frames are fine art.

Marluxia watched carefully as Axel and the young blonde one passed by. Roxas whispered something to Axel, but Axel ignored him.

Roxas: *whispers to Axel* Hey, isn't that the guy that's always treated in fanfic as flamboyant as possible?

Marluxia seriously considered getting up and following them,

Marluxia: So I could smack you for that little comment.

but he had to concentrate on the task at hand. He wasn't going to get another day off for a very long time. Now was his only opportunity.

He pursed his lips together, fondling a lock of his hair and humming a song.

Roxas: *quietly* We represent the lollipop guild, the lollipop guild...

He batted his eyelashes and winked at a man who had caught his attention. There was his prey.

Vexen: Now dive at him at 200 miles per hour like a peregrine falcon.

The man looked at Marluxia, thinking about whether or not he was going to engage the cute female in conversation.

Marluxia: *puts hand on forehead*

He was sitting with two of his friends. They were all large, but not nearly as muscular as Marluxia would have liked. Muscle was full of protein. And protein was what he needed.

Axel: Soooo... you're a cannibal too?
Larxene: Hey, if we merged your actions with Fringe's backstory, you'd be Lio Shirazumi! How awesome would that be?
Mog: Protein for the trees! No plotbunnies allowed!

The man said something to his friends. They laughed, so Marluxia assumed it had something to do with fucking the brains out of the hot chick across the street.

Marluxia: *puts head in both hands*

Marluxia crossed his legs seductively.

Zexion: *passes book to Marluxia* I believe you need this.
Marluxia: *hits head with book*

"Take the bait," he whispered.

Roxas: Look at the yummy-nummy worm! Come and get it!

Sure enough, the man's hormones and sexual deviancy carried him across the street. Marluxia squeezed a handful of dried leaves under the table. The aroma, which smelled mildly of cinnamon and roses wafted about, circling Marluxia in a deadly cloud of temptation. He was irresistible.

Marluxia: *book still firmly planted against head* Why are the rest of you so silent during this?
Roxas: *shrugs* We're just so intrigued as to where this is headed.

"Hey," the man said as he stopped in front of what he thought was a pink haired freak that could probably give a blowjob like a motherfucker.

Lexaeus: That one sentence sums up this story entirely: Many adult words does not a mature story make.

"Come here often?"

Roxas: *in worst attempt at sultry voice ever* Would you like to?

"Yes," Marluxia said, smiling. "All the time."

Marluxia: It's a good thing the police force is stupid and hasn't caught on yet.

"That's funny," the man said, scratching the back of his head. "I come here everyday. I've never seen you around."

Marluxia paused. His trap was set; he just had to get the man to get closer. "I usually come here at night. I don't get much free time during the day."

"So you're a night owl?"

"You could say that."

Roxas: (as Marluxia) I've got a flying ship called Archie and everything!
Axel: (as Marluxia) I've got some Billie Holiday CDs to set the mood, if you like.

"Listen," the man said. "My friends and I were wondering if you would like to sit with us today. I mean, you are so sexy

Axel: Y'know, most guys probably don't want to have sex with a woman buffer than them.
Marluxia: And most women don't want to be near a man with wider hips than theirs.
Axel: Now you're just being grumpy.

and we wouldn't want such a fine woman to sit by herself."

Vexen: At this point, shouldn't the man have noticed the woman he's talking to lacks breasts?
Larxene: Our little flower lover grew out some melons for the occasion.
Mog: *from notes* Marluxia thinks the men are setting him up.

Marluxia stood up, brushing the dried leaves off his pants. The man smirked and pinched his ass, laughing as he pulled Marluxia closer to him. Marluxia struggled against him weakly, being sure to squeal in a high pitched voice.

Roxas: Can you actually do that?
Marluxia: *voice barely changed* I assure you, this is as high as my voice can go.
Larxene: Considering your balls are chopped off, I'm wondering how you can reach a low pitch.

He was annoyed though.

Marluxia: Oh, so very much.

His prey was never to touch him. And the high pitched voice was starting to dry out his throat. He kicked the man in his shin and ran.

He was sure that he would follow. Grown men could never let their pride get hurt, no matter what.

Marluxia: And yet it keeps happening to me!
Mog: *from notes* And away they go to get captured! Back to Sora, who's looking out the window with Kairi.

"It's so beautiful," she whispered.

"Yeah," Sora said.

How lame.

Vexen: So many of us have the same thoughts about you.

"You are welcome to stay here for the night," Senator Mouse said. "I'm expecting this charity event I'm going to to be quite informative.

Zexion: (as Mouse) Not for anything plot relevant, mind, I just felt like bragging.

I would love for you to come, but you need to stay hidden, Sora. I wouldn't want to drag the media in. They would hound you.

Axel: (as Mouse) They might want to use you for gain and profit!
Roxas: (as Sora) Uh, isn't that kinda what you're doing? I mean, you did make it clear I'm only here to give you information.
Axel: (as Mouse) No. Now stop thinking critically, this isn't the fic for that kind of nonsense.

I'm sure there is plenty to do here. Don and Goofy will not be staying though."

Roxas: (as Mouse) We're Disney characters, we're not allowed in fics.

Riku stood by the door. He was reluctant to step into such a clean place, knowing that he was nothing more than a dirty foot soldier. Senator Mouse turned to him.

"Please, make yourself feel at home. I don't mind."

Roxas: Riku and Mickey friendship! Something resembling the real us!
Axel: Enjoy this subtlety while it lasts, buddy, because it's never coming back.

Riku sighed, but did exactly what he was told. He sat on the edge of the starch white sofa. He was uncomfortable sitting on something so clean when he was dirty.

Larxene: Hey, Fringe, want to start a list of “told after they showed”?

"Sir," Riku said softly. "How do we…?"

"Change?" Mouse offered. "Don't worry. I've arranged for a stylist to dress you."

Sora tore his eyes away from New York. "You can do that?"

Mouse chuckled. "You can do anything if you have the power and the money, Sora. So, yes, I can do that."

Marluxia: (as Mouse) I could make myself God if I so desired.

Sora breathed a sigh of amazement.

"I would suggest you shower and rest. We have a big day tomorrow. I want you fresh as possible when we travel to Washington. It's a whole new ballgame there."

Riku nodded at Mouse's implied meaning.

Axel: They were holding bets on the Braves vs. Red Sox game.

Sora sat down on the carpet. He was still amazed at the world he had been forced into. Now, he had a rough friend

Vexen: A relationship change that was smothered by all the small talk and oh-so witty dialogue.

who could probably kick his ass everyday of the week, and the girl of his dreams, though he wasn't sure if she was taken. Riku never really gave any indication that he had staked his claim,

Roxas: Because that's how relationships work: men pick a girl, say “mine”, and the girl gets no say in the matter.

but Sora could feel history radiating off of Kairi.

Zexion: Just sitting next to her gave him information about the Battle of Austerlitz.
Mog: *from notes* Kairi goes to take a shower.
Larxene: Probably to get rid of all that history radiating off of her. That stuff smells.

When she closed the door, Riku jumped to his feet. This startled Sora. He looked up.

Vexen: The prose has devolved to grade school primers.

"What's wrong?"

Roxas: I'm whiny and have murder fantasies.
Axel: I have the maturity of a three-year-old that just learned their first curse word.
Zexion: I'm British for no reason other than to be a stereotype.
Marluxia: I was so close to making it through one of these awful sessions without feeling my pride shriveling up and dying.
Larxene: I'm in love with Fringe.
Vexen: I'm working for people so stupid they need to label rooms.
Lexaeus: And I still have yet to speak a single syllable.
Axel: You lucky bastard.

"I don't like getting things that are not mine dirty." Riku said tartly. "It makes me feel bad.

Roxas: Kidnapping? A-okay. Getting towels dirty? Now that's just mean.

You can go after Kairi. I'm going to go for a walk."

"Where are you going?"

Axel: (as Riku) For a walk, dummy.

"To follow a personal lead." Riku answered. "I'll shower when I get back. Don't tell her I'm going somewhere. She'll get the wrong idea.

Larxene: (as Riku) She'll think I'm going to strip joints again.
Roxas: Don’t give the fic ideas!
Mog: *from notes* Riku leaves.

Sora milled about the room, looking at various picture frames. Michael Mouse's family looked genuine enough-a wife and a son-but Sora couldn't help but feel like the family was a front.

Zexion: Well, aren't you the grateful sort. A man offers to help you find your family, gives you shelter for the night, and now you're saying Minnie and Tiny Tim are fakes.

The water stopped. Sora pulled the Keyblade out of his pocket and placed it on a bedside table.

Axel: He's going to chuck it at Kairi when she comes out to see if she'll drop her towel.

It glittered beautifully,

Marluxia: He put some sparkles on it on the taxi ride over.

but Sora was mildly distracted by the fact that Kairi had called out.


Sora stood on the other side of the bathroom door. He didn't want to open the door. He didn't think he could take it.

Roxas: He'd be twitterpated if he looked inside.

"Riku went to ask Mick a question. He'll be back soon."

"That's okay," Kairi said. "Sora? Could you grab me something to sleep in?"

Sora nodded, though he knew Kairi couldn't see. He rooted around the closet and pulled out a small pair of pajamas. For his son?

Axel: No, for his dog- WHO DO YA THINK?!

He knocked on the door. Kairi opened the door, wrapped in a towel. She took the pajamas and closed the door quickly. Sora wasn't sure, but he thought he saw a birthmark just above her left…

Vexen: Ventricle.


Roxas: I need more Focus to use my Shotlock!

Sora snapped out of his stupor. The door was closed.

Zexion: Just as it was before. Thank you so much, Narrative. Glad to see you are as ludicrous as ever.

He scratched the back of his head, thoughts still dwelling on the beauty that was on the other side of the bathroom door.

Roxas: So Aurora's in there?
Axel: She pricked her finger on some tweezers. Now the whole block is going to fall into enchanted sleep.
Mog: *from notes* Sora's turn in the shower and he's in there from anywhere around a few minutes to a few hours before Kairi knocks on the door.

"Sora? Are you okay?"

Roxas: (as Kairi) The walls are starting to melt. I think it's time to get out.

"Yeah." He quickly turned the knobs and the water stopped. Steam rose off his bare skin. He wrapped a towel around his waist and cracked the door.

Marluxia: In half. Mick will not be happy to see that.

Kairi was on the other side. She pushed a t-shirt through the door.

Zexion: You know what's nice about writing? You can go back and reword everything to flow so nicely. For example, “Kairi pushed a T-shirt through the door.” Look how nicely that reads. Wouldn't it be fun to see sentences like that?

"Thanks," Sora muttered.

He dressed quickly. There was a clean pair of boxers wrapped in the shirt. He left the bathroom.

Axel: Leaving the boxers behind. Going commando is fun.

Kairi was curled on the bed, fast asleep.

Larxene: Mick's son is either fat or must have a rack for her to fit comfortably into “small” pajamas.

He debated whether he should crawl into bed with her.

Axel: We get it! You think she's hot and you want to insert Peg A into Slot B! Shut up, Quagmire Junior!

But, she moved over and patted the bed.

"It's so soft." She whispered.

Sora smiled inwardly as he crawled next to Kairi settled in. He tried awkwardly to not really touch her.

Vexen: He did try to fakely touch her.

It wasn't his place. He closed his eyes, drifting into what he felt was a peaceful sleep. He was next to the girl he knew he loved.

Lexaeus: Two hours and the possibility of your parents' murder is all you need to know you love someone.
Axel: Well, this is Disney.

Riku wasn't even a thought in his mind.

Roxas: Except for right then. And right then. And then. And then. And then.

Riku left the building and looked down the street. Senator Mouse had already gone, but he didn't really want to ask him anything.

Larxene: No duh. We know an excuse when we hear one.
Mog: *from notes* Off to Luxia!

Riku rounded the corner and came to the restaurant. He pushed past the hanging moss and waited for a server. The waitress came to her podium. She had a black apron tied around her waist, and she looked frazzled.

Zexion: Let's play the game again. “The waitress came to her podium, looking frazzled.” Says just as much but without the unnecessary information that she wears a black apron. And again, it looks so much nicer.
Vexen: Give it up. You're fighting a losing battle.

"How many?"

Riku looked around the restaurant. "I was actually here to meet with a group of guys. There were three."

Roxas: (as Riku) One lives in a straw house, one lives in a wooden house, and the other lives in a brick house. Do you know them?

The waitress ran her fingers through her hair. "Listen, kid. Lots of folks come through here. I can't pay attention to everything all the time. A party of three? We get those all the time. Are you going to eat or not?"

Riku grimaced. "No, thanks, I was just looking for my…associates."

The waitress pushed him out, "Then, please leave, I have work to do."

Riku growled softly. That was New York for you.

Axel: A busy waitress gets annoyed when someone expects her to know exactly who he vaguely described after he said he's not a paying customer? Gadzooks! She should be hanged for her crimes!

He kicked a bit of trash and screamed. His contact hadn't showed up. This pissed him off.

Vexen: And here I was thinking he was in a state of euphoric bliss.

An old man sat near him, reading a newspaper.

"You look stressed out," the old man said. "Why don't you take a seat?"

"And why don't you mind your own business?" Riku said hotly.

The old man folded his newspaper. "I'm guessing you're looking for someone?"

Riku sat down.

Roxas: (as Riku) I apparently like you now, stranger. Please intrude on my life some more.

"Three people. I was supposed to have a meeting with them. Here. At noon. They would've been here sooner."

The old man laced his fingers together. "Tough looking? Kind of muscular? Rude?"

Zexion: Looked like the kind of thugs writers put in when they want to be “grim and realistic”?
Mog: *throws paper balls for the author bash*

"Yeah, did you see them?"

Lexaeus: No, he was describing the buskers down the street.

The old man tapped his chin. "I'm not sure. I think my memory wasn't what it used to be."

"Look, old man, I don't have any money."

"But you have some of value, I'm sure."

Riku tensed and put his hand in his pocket. "Not here."

The old man held his hand out. "A simple handshake will do, young lad. I'm sure you can at least afford that."

Riku took his hand out of his pocket and shook the man's hand. He left a small packet of white powder in the winkled palm.

"I'm your new contact." The old man said. "They call me Diz.

Larxene: I didn't know Ansem the Wise was into coke.
Roxas: What do you think “DiZ” stands for this time?
Axel: “Dumbasses in Zagazig”, obviously.
Zexion: Or “Dancing in zapateado”. He's a flamenco fan.
Roxas: “Data Interfacing Zuccini!”

I'm…pleased to meet you. You seem so much more uptight then my lackeys portrayed you to be."

"I'm just here for information." Riku said. "I just want to know something."

Vexen: (as Riku) I just want to be as redundant as possible.

Diz chuckled. "You think because you give me one payment, I'll tell you what you want to know? You aren't that street conscious then. You should probably go back to your little drug thing. You are in way over your head."

Roxas: Riku never knew, he never knew everyone was waiting on a cue to turn and run when all he needed was the truth.

"Are you with the Heartless?" Riku blurted.

Lexaeus: It would be nice if he was so they would finally do something.
Mog: *from notes* DiZ says he wants a computer program.

"Fine," Riku growled. "What's it called?"

"The Keyblade."

Roxas: Dun-dun-DUUNNNN!

Riku swallowed a lump in his throat. "I'll see what I can do."

"You will be richly rewarded for you efforts."

Riku scoffed, "Yeah, after you rob me."

"And you have a nice day, kind sir." Diz stood up and left with his newspaper. "I enjoyed our chat."

Riku looked at his shoes.

Axel: Noticing for the first time how his feet seemed to shrink between games.

He thought back to the computer store. He knew the Keyblade was there. Or at least had been. He saw Sora pick it up, but he wasn't sure if he had kept it. All he knew was that Mick wanted it to stay hidden. At least for now.

Zexion: All I want is for sentences to be combined together. It's all I ask for now.

Everybody had their own plan, but Riku felt like he wasn't the only one trying to pull the wrong strings. If Diz wasn't the leader of the Heartless, he knew who was.

Axel: One chat with an old guy was the missing piece of the puzzle! He knew now the leader was...
Roxas: Snow White! She's been poisoning apples throughout the Tristate area. The dwarves are going through her hit list. No one is safe!

Diz was important.

He headed back to Senator Mouse's penthouse. He shoved his way through the crowds of people, blending once again into the bowels of New York. He became one of the nameless faces. Angry, just like everyone else.

Zexion: Believe it or not, this city of millions of people has some good things happening in it. It's simple probability.
Axel: But we couldn't feel sorry for poor widdle Riku if he didn't complain every five seconds.


Larxene: At least he can leave. We're stuck in some loophole of the universe.

He pushed past a couple of guys. One with dyed red hair and one with short blonde. The blonde one looked at him briefly, but averted his eyes. Riku couldn't have cared less. He was occupied with something else.

Vexen: He was occupied with intersecting with other subplots.

"Axel, I don't think I'm ready for this," Roxas muttered as they stepped up to the vast museum that was 'The Met'.

Roxas: It was filled with confused, angry baseball fans.

People flooded everywhere. A surprisingly large amount of them were foreigners, snapping pictures and making gestures to the beauty of the world's most recognized museum. Of course after the Smithsonian.

Roxas: So... second most recognized then...?
Zexion: The Louvre is so 1793, don't you know.

"Relax, Roxas," Axel said. "This is a simple mission. I lead, you follow. Piece o' pie."

"I thought it was cake," Roxas said.

Axel: (as self) That was a lie.
Everyone else: *groan*
Axel: Shut up, that joke is always funny!

"And I thought I told you to zip it."

Roxas looked down, but upon realizing that he would look suspicious, he lifted his head up.

Roxas: No one in New York ever looks at the ground, dontcha know.
Mog: *from notes* There sure is lots of security.

"Is the President going to be here?" Roxas had always wanted to speak with Obama,

Vexen: We should be glad Mr. Obama was re-elected or else this story would be noticeably dated by the time we finally started mocking it.

but never thought he would have the chance.

Zexion: After he would be arrested for carrying out his murder fantasies, he didn't see how a chat with the president over tea would fit into his schedule.

"No," Axel said. Dreams dashed. "He's busy doing stuff for the people and freedom and blah blah blah, you get it. He's doing his job."

Axel: He's busy chuckling about Chaos Emeralds.
Roxas: How come we never get memorable lines like that? All we get is boring romances and random bigotry.

Roxas quieted. "So, how do we get in?" He noticed that a lot of people were wearing special tags around their necks.

Axel scooped up a bag that was sitting on one of the steps. The family that it belonged to didn't notice. They were too busy being tourists.

Axel: The role of “tourist” is a very time-consuming job. You have to take pictures every 42.6 seconds and look around with the same amazed, stupefied look and then blow all your money on ugly fridge magnets and novelty T-shirts for everyone back home.
Roxas: We could put some of the magnets on the trio of fridges.

Axel pulled out a handful of tags and tossed one to Roxas.

Vexen: How convenient the family of tourists happened to have those tags in an unwatched bag instead of, oh, I don't know, around their necks like everyone else.
Axel: Ah, but that is another trade of the tourist act. You see, tourists are generally seen as an unaware, rather dumb lot, so it would be downright unrealistic to show them actively doing something.

"You are way too good at this."

Marluxia: Axel has been practicing stealing bags his entire career, all to prepare himself for this moment.

Axel shrugged. "Somebody's gotta do it." He looked around. "We are Italian."

Roxas sputtered. "Do I look Italian?"

Vexen: No, but you do look, and I quote, “foreign” in your non-branded jeans and white T-shirt.

"No, but you sure as hell will act like it." Axel spat. "If anyone says anything to you, you simply say spiacente or scusilo. Commit it to memory."

Axel: *slow clap* Congratulations. Even in a story as far removed from canon as this you still had to make that reference. Whoop-de-flippin'-do for you.
Zexion: Count your blessings it wasn't "got it memorized".

"Spiacente. Scusilo." Roxas whispered.

"It means 'sorry' and 'excuse me'." Axel explained quickly. "That's all you should need."

"But what if…"

"What if the world explodes into a pumpkin pie?"

Roxas: It'll be all Magrat's fault, I can tell you that much.

Axel asked, waving his arms. "What if you were to transform into a bagel?

Roxas: I'd be a delicious breakfast choice.

What if, what if, what if? Stop asking stupid questions. Focus."

Roxas shook his head. He had to collect his thoughts. He couldn't mess his first mission up. He had to prove himself.

Roxas: I want the terrorists to love me and hug me and be the family I never had!

"Get ready," Axel whispered.

They passed a security guard. They flashed their passes, smiled like a couple of tourists and gave thumbs up stupidly.

Zexion: It was the sore thumbs they were sticking out like.
Vexen: Honestly, what's so hard about giving the guard a polite smile and nod and actually looking like you deserve that security pass?

Roxas never thought acting foreign would be so hard.

Larxene: (as Roxas) I've gotta, like, do stuff. Acting is hard.

He had to pretend to not know a thing about a country he lived in for his whole life. Lily would have loved to see him acting so strange.

Vexen: She would have loved to see him aiding and planning her demise.


But he didn't have time to think about that. He had to focus. He looked around. Thousands of artifacts, from the oldest Chinese jade dragon, to the most up to date modern art, stared at them.

Roxas: It was Plastic Googly Eyes day at the Met today.
Mog: *from notes* Looooooooooooooooooooooots of Italian, and then we move on.

Roxas frowned. "I didn't understand a word of that."

"Basically, they are gathering at this museum to listen to some kid mock culture with a Zexion-sized vocabulary. I'm sure they will be riveted."

"What does that tell us?"

"When to strike." Axel said,

Roxas: It's past noon already.

knocking on the back of Roxas's head. "Keep up."

Axel guided Roxas to the North Wing. Nobody bothered him. Nobody noticed them. Nobody cared.

Lexaeus: It's as if they had lives of their own.

Roxas felt incredibly small. The art work grew progressively older.

Zexion: This story has been dragging for so long the scenery itself is aging.

The mediums grew more and more genuine. Oil paintings, pounded metals, sculpted marble. All so magnificent and perfectly lit by tiny lamps.

Roxas stopped at the entrance of the hall of Italian Art.

Axel: It's the perfect spot for you to pretend to be Italian!
Mog: *from notes* Roxas notices a lot of the Senators talking to younger women.

"Filthy adulterers." Roxas muttered.

Larxene: Oh, sure, you're judging people.

He stopped in front of a large painting. "The Conversion of Saul". Michelangelo. Dated back to the year 1542.

Zexion: Thank you, Art History lesson.

Roxas leaned closer, studying the thousands of minute details. The one part that most interested him was God, or what was supposed to be representing God,

Roxas: (as self) I like to call him Eddie.
Vexen: And I like to call what’s about to happen an absolute failure at research.

casting a beam of light down to mortal man. His angels gathered around him, playing, or watching snidely.

The humans, though. They looked terrified. Like they had done something wrong and were finally being punished for it.

Zexion: Or like they knew what blatant symbolism they were about to become.

Roxas could see the sick and the wounded. The thieves and the adulterers. They begged for mercy, but Roxas could imagine that they had had plenty of chances to fix their flaws before punishment had been handed to them.

Axel: Yeah, screw you, sick and wounded! You caused your own problems. You deserve to go to Hell!
Roxas: Who exactly is the sick and wounded here? Sure, there's blinded Saul but he got better, and that guy falling off the horse is probably going to feel that tomorrow but I'm pretty sure he'll be fine. And who are the thieves and adulterers? All those people were the followers of Jesus that Saul was punishing and Jesus in return punished him.
Vexen: I'll say it again: research failed.

They were being lazy.

Marluxia: Michelangelo must be proud. I bet while he was painting he was thinking to himself “One day I may became a piece of history, have my name be universally recognized, and have a whiny psychopath reflect his own thoughts into this piece. Oh, if only such wishes could come true!”

"It's beautiful, isn't it?"

Roxas froze. The voice that had spoken to him was deep. Commanding. It held a power than rocked him to his soul.

Axel: Maybe the voice is God. He did give rock and roll to you, after all.

It was a voice that had countless years of wisdom. And it was scary.

Zexion: Are you a seventeen-year-old wannabe terrorist, or a five-year-old that thinks there are ghosts in the closet?

He turned his head.

"Don't turn around, just listen." The voice hissed.

Roxas: (as voice) It's a man-cub. A delicous man-cub.

Roxas nodded.

"It's a wonder, how human beings think they can get away with everything. That punishment is beneath them."

Axel: (as So Totally Not Xemnas) They think stealing the discount CDs and Skittles packs is nothing. I will show them how wrong they are. All believers in the five finger discount must be punished!

"It is."

Zexion: As in “It is a wonder the world is being presented so black and white.”
Roxas: C'mon, even the series we're from got a little grey after a while.

"We must fix this. Destroy the flaws in society."

Lexaeus: By destroying all of society.

Roxas breathed softly. He wasn't sure who was speaking to him. He was tempted to turn around, but he was afraid of what he would see.

Axel: Does he think Great Cthullu is standing behind him? Just turn around!

He just couldn't risk it.

"Your essay was impressive. Ten pages. Eleven point font. Chaos Theory. Anarchy." The voice chuckled. "Reminds me of my hot headed nature when I was your age. Please, explain further."

Vexen: Yes, please, tell us about this wonderful essay of yours, Roxas. My curiosity is quite piqued.


"I need to be sure I made the right choice."

Roxas swallowed.

Vexen: Here we go.

"Well, I figure that the way nature evolved primates into human beings was flawed.

Marluxia: (as Roxas) Evolution is idiotic. Darwin clearly isn't as smart as me.

An example would be how one small change in the genetic make-up created human beings. We are arrogant, selfish, and disrespectful of the world we live in.

Zexion: Geneticists and psychologists alike slam their heads on their desks in speechless rage.
Lexaeus: By your logic, then, aren't primates just as horrible?
Axel: We shall murder all the monkeys as well!
Roxas: We'll blow them all up!
Marluxia: Wouldn't this belief also mean his girlfriend is just as arrogant, selfish, and disrespectful of the world she lives in?
Roxas: Why else did she travel so far away from me after only one week?

Nature had not intended for this to happen, she made one tiny miscalculation, but we still managed to escape our fate.

Roxas: I'll admit I don't know anything about chaos theory or that stuff, but if nature made one mistake and one monkey decided to be a human... how are we a species?
Vexen: Humans reproduce by binary fission now.

And it all started with one mutation.

Zexion: Please stop talking. You're making it very hard for my brain not to implode.

Society is a lie. Just a structure used to keep us in place.

Larxene: Yes, dummy, society is a structure. It's what's protected you from anarchy your entire life. *pause* Why am I still reading this?!

No advancement. No evolution."

Vexen: Now I know why parents hated his essay. It's the dumbest thing I've ever heard of in my life.
Axel: To sum up, he copy-pasted the lyrics from NOFX's “The Idiots are Taking Over” and took out all the humour.

"So, you believe humans are obsolete?"

"To a point."

Zexion: That point being “Hell yes, let's burn them all.”

"Interesting." The voice fell silent. "So, anarchy is in your plan?"


Roxas: (as self) I was thinking more along the lines of fire and brimstone, the dead rising from the grave, dogs and cats living together, that sort of thing. Mass hysteria, you know.

"You joined this Organization to do something about our world. Is anarchy part of that?"

Roxas nodded.

"Then, you have a nice day. I'm sure you could do with a conversation with Senator Coolidge. He's not so open minded."

Is that a clue?

Axel: (as So Totally Not Xemnas) Do you need the blue pawprint as well? Yes, it's a clue!
Mog: *from notes* So Totally Not Xemnas disappears when...


Roxas seized up. He shuddered, knowing that taunting voice, and those arrogant inflections.

Marluxia: It's amazing what you can fit into two syllables.

He kicked himself mentally. He turned around, and saw the last person on earth he wanted. Adam McLean.

Vexen: We finally get to meet this so-called nemesis of Ryan's. I do so hope he does something petty to justify Roxas trying to kill the world.

Wearing a crisp new shirt with a sleek tie. His hair was slicked back, and he was shuffling papers in his hands.

"I thought I saw you earlier," Adam said. "What are you doing here?"

Roxas grit his teeth. "I'm enjoying the museum. What are you doing here?"

Zexion: (as Adam) Studying the paintings. Have you seen Michelangelo's depiction of the conversion of Paul the Apostle? The lighting is not quite as dramatic as Luca Giordano's rendition but it is interesting to compare it to the later compositions of the same event by Caravaggio.

Adam smiled devilishly. "You remember that essay contest. The one you lost?"

Roxas growled softly. "Yeah, what of it?"

Adam gestured to himself. "Well, I thought I it was great that I even won,

Zexion: Not for your sentence structure, clearly.

but now I'm giving a speech to the Senate.

Axel: Hot damn, I should've entered more contests in high school! I could be living the good life instead of sitting in front of a tabletop projector making fun of bad fanfics.

They wanted to hear what my views are on foreign cultures. I think they might actually do some of the stuff that I talk about. Isn't that great? I might make a difference in the world."

Larxene: So let me get this straight: This one guy, as much as an asshole he'll inevitably be and no matter how dumb his world views might sound, is the one that fueled itty bitty Roxas' hatred for the humans that are lazy and don't do anything... when he is actively trying to make a difference in the world.
Lexaeus: Jealousy is the least of Ryan Hall’s flaws by now.

"Good for you," Roxas said. I want to kill you so badly, you motherfucker.

Roxas: I'm getting sick of murderous me. I'd like to take back control of my body for a sec.

"I haven't seen you around lately."

Roxas: (as self) It has been a while, hasn't it? I've been kinda busy being dragged out of my house in the middle of the night to play Xbox games with terrorists.

"Where have you been?"

Roxas: (as self) In a high-tech headquarters where we put signs above our bathrooms. It's a really cool place, you should check it out sometime.

"Where's Lily?" Adam said, bouncing on his heels and looking around. "Did you break up?

Roxas: (as self) I wouldn't blame her. I'm nuttier than an O-Henry bar.

Cause I would so fuck that—"

Roxas snapped.

Lexaeus: Like a dry and brittle twig.

He had been teeming with this hatred, and he thought it had disappeared,

Larxene: Oh, shut the hell up! We've been listening to you bitch this entire time so don't even pretend you were a good guy for a second.

but seeing the bastard's face again brought everything back to the surface. The teasing, the taunting, the arrogance. He just couldn't stand it. He wished Marluxia was there, just so he could slice his fucking head off.

Marluxia: If it makes you stop talking I would gladly do it.
Roxas: There's too many males in that sentence! Who's head is Marluxia slicing off? His own head, Adam's head, my head?
Marluxia: That's why I said I'd gladly do it, you'd permanently shut up about yourself.

He wanted to see him suffer.

He punched him square in the nose, and the sickening crunch echoed in the hall.

Axel: The guy eating Pringles unknowingly provided some great foley.

Adam grabbed his face, howling in pain. Roxas wasn't going to let him get away.

Larxene: He wasn't running, you dumbass.

He tackled him to the floor, banging his head on the marble, coating it in splashes of blood.

The room instantly panicked.

Roxas: (as room) Help! There's drama-blood all over me! Someone, help!
Axel: Someone call for a wahmbulance!

People thought something was about to explode.

Larxene: Well we know someone's patience diiiid.

They dove to the floor, screaming. Some of the Senator's bodyguards pushed people to the ground, protecting their bosses.

Zexion: For no real reason, mind you, they simply got a kick out of shoving people over like life-sized dominoes.

Axel looked around the panicking crowd. There was so much confusion, that people didn't notice Roxas attacking his peer.

Lexaeus: They didn't notice what had caused them to panic in the first place.

He froze, looking for someone. As soon as he was given his cue,

Axel: From someone undescribed, thanksforthat.

he sprang into action, racing to the middle of the room. He grabbed Roxas by the back of his shirt and dragged him off a bleeding and disoriented Adam.

He fished around in his pocket and pulled out the small package. He made sure to call out Italian words. He was signaling someone. He passed by a Senator, who was trying his best to calm a group of young children.

Roxas: Someone being mentioned doing a good deed! Relish this moment!
Mog: *from notes* They put the envelope in the Senator's pocket and leave.

Roxas immediately regretted what he did. He tried to say something to Axel,

Roxas: (as self) Axel, I have a hypothetical question. Suppose a kid from school called me a nasty name... Should I punch him real hard in the nose?
Axel: (as self) No, I don't think violence would be justified.
Roxas: (as self) Here's another hypothetical question. What if I already did?

but all he could do was huff.

"Shut the fuck up, Roxas," Axel said.

Axel: Hey, for once I agree with myself.

"You just fucked me in the ass."

Roxas remained silent until they were several blocks away from The Met. Axel pushed him down an alleyway. They went about halfway, before Axel stopped them.

"Take off your shirt."

Larxene: Now it is you that will be fucked in the ass!
Axel and Roxas: *weirded out by imagining friends doing that*
Mog: We can take a break until you two block that mental picture, kupo. The chapters pretty much over anyway, since they just go jogging. We'll meet them again later!
Roxas: Uh, Marluxia? You don’t actually have a problem being written as trans or gay, right?
Marluxia: Of course not. I have a problem with being written as a punchline or offensive stereotype. There’s a difference.
Roxas: Oh, okay. Just wanted to clarify on that.
[to be continued...]