Our Sporking Magnum Opus [PART ONE]

[thelectureroom]

Title: The Nobody Virus
Author: hajikurazaki19 and DeadShut
Rating: One for the terrible-and-we-mean-Terrible writing, one for the horribly boring characters, one for the sexism (OMIGAWD THE SEXISM), one for the needless and graphic violence, and one just to let you know that this entire fic is devoid of any entertainment value whatsoever. You have been warned.
Full Name (including any titles): Ryan “Roxas” Hall, Sora O’Reily. (There's a million more, but they're not worth remembering.)
Full Species(es): Scum of the earth.
Hair Color (include adjectives): The quick summary for this part is to say that sometimes hair is same as canon, sometimes it’s something entirely different. There is never any good reason for either.
Eye Color (include adjectives): The most memorable colour is green. Why is it memorable? You’ll see.
Unusual Markings/Colorations/Physical Features: *shrugs*
Special Possessions (if any): Sora has a fancy stick masquerading as the Keyblade in one pocket and seemingly an Idiot Ball in the other, because incompetence like his has to be in tangible form. The story itself also has a weird love/hate relationship with Italy.

Origin: Frank Miller’s Guide to Fanfiction (with a foreword by Alan Moore)
Connections To Canon Characters: Stole their names. And then killed them to hide the evidence.
Special Abilities: Hallucinating others into believing anyone's had character development or changed in any way whatsoever.
Other Annoying Traits: Let’s save you some time and compress the answer down to “Everything not mentioned above.”

I Say/Notes: And here it finally is, one of the first fics we ever lined up when starting this blog. Definitely one of the dreariest and narcissistic stories we've had the displeasure of reading and most definitely what put the 'lecture' in 'Lecture Room'. Imagine, if you will, if someone took all the convoluted storylines, unanswered plot threads, and retcons of the KH games, shoved it through a syphon that sucked out all the charm and endearing characters, and sprinkled a shallow examination of world problems on top. That's this fic and it's as much as a mess as you'd expect.

Generalized warning: this fic contains descriptions of violence and blood, gendered and homophobic slurs, as well as plenty of misogynist content we'll specifically warn for in the future parts (before we started cutting out those scenes entirely because we literally had nothing to say to them anymore).



(We open up in the usual lecture room as a rotund moogle organizes papers with his feet, since he lacks arms. A row of seats is occupied by Lexaeus, Vexen, Zexion, Axel, Larxene, and Marluxia, all looking disgruntled. The angry silence is broken by Roxas entering the room and slamming the door.)

Mog: Good day, kupo!
Roxas: No it isn’t! *stands in front of Larxene’s seat* Shove over.
Larxene: *smirks and crosses her arms* Make me, Tiny.
Roxas: Look, I don’t even want to be here, the least you could do is let me sit next to my friend.
Larxene: Well, if it’s the least I could do... Definitely not.
(Roxas slumps into the seat next to her.)
Axel: Hey, just cause you’re the youngest of us doesn’t net you special treatment. If I suffer, you suffer with me.
Roxas: *looks around* Why are there so many people here, anyway?
Mog: This one's a doozy. Thirty chapters, more 'an 200,000 words. We need a lot of people otherwise you'd all get boring.
Vexen: Enough talk. Let's begin and get this over with.

Chapter 1: The Hotel

This is just the first chapter of yet another epic.

Zexion: Sadly, no fighting Grendell or examining God’s beloved fallen angel.

Both me and DeadShut are writing this together. We own nothing. But, just a warning. This is violent, crazy, and a little more realistic than the normal "real" Kingdom Hearts. And now, a word from DeadShut.

Vexen: They’re trying to apply Earth logic to this series?!
Zexion: People have been known to go insane from such activity!

You ever notice how people have a phobia towards scary pictures of people with gray/white skin and dark circles under their eyes?

Axel: It’s called the Uncanny Valley, have you never been there?

Because our ancestors, who mostly resided in the jungle,

Marluxia: What—
Vexen: Quiet, I want to see where this is headed.

had multiple encounters with deadly arachnids, most humans today have arachnophobia to some degree to help protect us (although modern-day spiders are rarely as dangerous as their ancestors).

Axel: This just in: tarantulas and black widows don't exist.

If we have a phobia of spiders because of what they've done to us, than why do we have a phobia of dark-eyed, pale-skinned people? And, if spiders are still around, then...

Larxene: So... our ancestors had a lot of run-ins with the devil from The Exorcist?

...but it's probably for the best not to think about that. The thing is, evil lurks in this world. Not the sense of evil you may think; there are no demons lurking in the dark corners, no plesiosaurs in lakes, no moths in the form of men...but there are those who relish in acting out in cruelty.

Zexion: Do you think we should inform the authors their opening resembles an Ed Wood movie?
Axel: Nah, we'll just let that comparison sit for a while.
(Mog: We're thinking of "The Violent Years", in case anyone's wondering.)

And, when the majority of the population is threatened by these malicious beings, there must be a hero there to try and save the day.

Roxas: Superman will come and save the day!

Whether or not the hero succeeds, however, is up to those supporting him.

Axel: And the Justice League as well!

We hope you enjoy. :)

Lexaeus: Considering I can see the next paragraph, I can safely say that representation of a smile does not belong here.

"Another murder in the downtown area has police scrambling to find the leader of the ever elusive Heartless gang. The Heartless are rumored to be a gang of ruthless Internet pirates, protecting their crime and apparently their boss.

Marluxia: Yes, gangs usually protect their crimes and their leaders. Thank you, Obvious News.
Roxas: Creatures that have existed since the worlds began are reduced to some dweebs on the Internet? I’m insulted on their behalf.

The Chief of Police is asking the public to keep their eyes peeled,

Axel: Ouch. That’s not gonna help.

and to report any suspicious activity."

"You see, Sora, that's why you are staying here."

"But, Dad…"

Larxene: (as Sora) I wanna see the murders and the corpses! You never let me have any fun!

"I don't want to hear it. You are going to stay here until we come back."

"Mom!"

Axel: Tell them I’m not crazy! Mom, tell them I’m not crazy!
Vexen: Why are you referencing Manic for no discernible reason?
Axel: Because it’s there, and I realized I could be doing better things with my time.
Lexaeus: Never let people know they can be doing better things with their time during these.

"Your father is just trying to protect you, honey."

"We'll go somewhere tomorrow, kiddo, okay? I promise."

Sora sighed and sank back to his knees in front of the TV. He flipped through the channels lazily. He didn't feel like listening to the Heartless murders again.

Roxas: Those strings of innocent deaths just aren’t interesting anymore.

So far, his vacation was anything but.

Larxene: It was more of a vacatioff.

He hadn't gone anywhere since he arrived at the hotel, and desperately wanted to go see the sights with his parents, but they were always busy.

Vexen: Seeing the sights without him.

And today was their date night.

Marluxia: And Sora desperately wants to be the third wheel.

"Stay here, Sora.

Zexion: Sit, boy.

Your mother and I will call when we're on our way back."

Roxas: (as dad) We'll tell you about all the fun we had without you, and maybe if you're lucky we'll bring you back one of those cruddy restaurant mints. Love you, son!
Mog: *from notes* Sora's parents leave.

"Let's go to New York." Sora said aloud.

Axel: A crime story set in New York City? Boy howdy, this is sure to be one original idea we have here!

He waved his hands in the same way his mother did when she was talking his father into doing things. "There are lots of lovely things to do, and Sora will love the Statue of Liberty."

Marluxia: It stands there and looks green. What's not to love?

He gave up on his attempts at mocking his parents rather quickly as he continued to flip through the channels. He stopped when he saw the flashing lights and loud riffs of a concert,

Zexion: Because music is able to be seen, of course.
Vexen: Unless Sora has synesthesia but I highly doubt it.

and he smiled as he saw it was his favorite musician, Demyx.

Larxene: Bet you five million munny that he never plays a sitar the entire fic.
Axel: I see your bet, and raise you him playing a guitar instead.

He called room service and ordered a few plates of food, but he didn't touch them.

Vexen: He's a greedy, wasteful prick that way.
Larxene: (as Sora) Yeah, you enjoy your date night, Mom and Dad. Enjoy the bills I'll be running up for you to pay! Mwahahaha!

After the concert, he grew bored. He flipped through the TV channels again, he jumped onto his computer,

Lexaeus: Ruining it in the process.

but nothing seemed to keep his attention for more than five minutes. He sat by the window and hummed the songs from the concert. He slowly stopped as a store on the corner caught his attention.

Axel: It was jumping up and down, yelling "For the love of god, do something!"

"I wonder." Sora whispered to himself.

Roxas: (as Sora) How much wood can a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
Axel: (as Sora) Or how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?

He quickly jumped to his feet, threw on some fresh clothing

Roxas: Picked just today off the clothes tree.

and hurried down to the lobby.

The concierge clerk bowed his head respectfully. "Is there anything I can get for you, sir?"

"No, I'm good."

Larxene: (as Sora) Doing just fine and dandy but thanks anyway, random NPC who I didn't need to interact with.

The doorman opened the door and Sora ran across the street. He figured that it was so close to the hotel, that his parents wouldn't know he had gone, and he needed to find out what was wrong with his computer anyway.

Lexaeus: It was probably the jumping onto it that caused a problem.

It had been acting funny the past couple of days. He was just going to ask a question and then he was going to go back.

Roxas: (as Sora) Hello? Yes, my computer keeps giving me a message of GO TO CONVENIENTLY LOCATED COMPUTER SHOP SO THIS PLOT CAN START and I’m wondering how to get it to stop doing that.

The rain was falling lightly. But, in the nighttime, it seemed to rush down with a purpose.

Zexion: Obviously that purpose was to allow Sora to test his creative writing skills. He was in a personification sort of mood tonight.

Perhaps to make the roads slick, or just to make a bad day for a stranger, even worse.

Lexaeus: Perhaps to wash stray commas into sentences.

However, Sora managed to make it across the street without a problem. He stood on front of the dusty glass door and looked up at the sign. It flickered with dying neon lights, but it was calling to him.

Axel: *bring-bring* Hello? Yes, my refrigerator's running. *hangs up* Damn store prank calls!

The bell rang, echoing in the empty store. Sora browsed the shelves slowly, looking over computer parts he had never seen before. They had signs posted beneath them, but he couldn't make heads or tails of what the strange computer language was.

Vexen: Damn those computers for using elusive English as their labels.

His eyes soon fell upon an unusual looked rod.

Roxas: Being in the wrong tense sure seems unusual to me.

It was sitting on a velvet pillow at the counter.

Marluxia: Do computer stores usually have velvet pillows?
Axel: I don’t think any store has velvet pillows. Unless you own the Evil Villain’s Cat store.

"Hello?" Sora called. His voice fell dead.

Roxas: Nooo! Live, voice, live! You must come back to me!

There was no answer. "Hello? I need to ask a question."

Larxene: (as Sora) What is the answer to life, the universe, and everything?

Still silence.

He looked at the little place card that sat in front of the red velvet pillow.

"Keyblade?" Sora said softy. "I've never heard of that part before."

Roxas: (as Sora) So let's mess with it!

Sora carefully picked up the slender metal rod. It fit in his hand perfectly, like it was designed for him.

Vexen: Slender rods couldn't possibly fit into someone else's hands so easily.

He looked it over. It appeared to have a solid look, but the dim light could just show the shallow etches on the body. Sora placed it back on the velvet pillow, and milled around the store for a little longer.

Zexion: Wasting both his time and ours.

When no one came out from the back, Sora sighed and left, praying that he wouldn't get in trouble for entering a store that was obviously closed.

Lexaeus: You should unplug that flickering neon sign for the owners.

Sora hummed to himself as he turned the corner of an aisle,

Roxas: Wait, it just said he left only a sentence ago!
Zexion: *summons up a notebook and pen* Shall I start a list for contradictions and continuity errors?
Marluxia: Only if you want to drive yourself crazy. Go right ahead.

and his phone rang in his pocket. He fumbled for it and held it up to his ear.

"Hello?"

"Sora?"

Lexaeus: It is his phone. You'd think his father wouldn't bother asking.

"Dad?"

"Yeah, we're in the elevator. We're coming back up. Your mother forgot to grab her purse. So, when we knock on the door, let us in. Just letting you know."

"What?" Sora said loudly.

Axel: Mog, give us some comedy music for this event!
Mog: *starts humming Yakety Sax*

He hung up the phone and raced out of the store. He hadn't even been paying attention and knocked the velvet pillow to the floor.

Larxene: (as pillow) Hey, jerk! Come back and pick me up! Pick me up! WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GO— Ugh. Dickweed.

His parents had come back unexpectedly. He had only been gone for ten minutes, how could he have been so careless?

Zexion: How dare Sora not be able to see into the future!

He crossed the street and flew up the stairs.

Roxas: With the help of the Final Form I gave him.

He had decided that waiting for the elevator would be too long.

Vexen: And too stupid, considering his parents are already in the elevator.

If he was lucky, he could get there just in time to make an excuse.

Axel: (as Sora) Ninja monkeys kidnapped me, I swear!

He opened the door to the hallway and peered out, looking for his father.

Lexaeus: His mother happens to be invisible.
Mog: *from notes* Actually, she got kidnapped by a green-eyed, tall man.

"We have to go now." The man whispered harshly.

Vexen: Put commas after dialogue! You now have a dependent clause lost and afraid between your speech.

"Marluxia!"

Marluxia: *has himself prepared for badfic him*

"What?" Came a voice from the inside of the hotel room. "I just…"

"We don't have time for that."

Axel: *stifles laughter*
Larxene: Too many innuendos in your head?
Axel: Yes.
Larxene: Share them later.

The other man hissed. "We need to go…now!"

Roxas: (as man) We're not stopping for another bathroom break for the next two hours!

The man who left the room was tall as well. He was carrying a scythe,

Marluxia: Because those you can realistically sneak into a hotel with a doorman.

and he was dragging Sora's barely conscious father along the length of the hallway. Sora closed the door to a sliver as they past.

Zexion: They passed without incidence, however.
Marluxia: Maybe I have a time machine with me.

He gasped, and a hard thwack at the door shocked him.

Roxas: Bzz-ap!

He could see the scythe sliding in and he forced the door as far closed as his strength would allow. He could hear the cold breath of one of the men on the other side.

Axel: Seeing music and hearing temperatures! This is realistic, remember?

He saw a swish of pink hair and the door opened farther.

"I've got another one!" He smiled wider, forcing the door open more. Sora could see his blue eyes, and he panicked.

Roxas: (as Sora) Curse my fight-or-flight instinct over eye colours!

"Can I kill this one? Please?"

Axel: Well, since you used the magic word, I guess it’s okay.
Roxas: What, no attempts at brain-washing first? You’re losing your touch.

"I suppose so, but we really need to go."

"No!" Sora shouted.

Zexion: Good job, Sora. Very helpful, very helpful indeed.

"Come here," Marluxia whispered. "I won't hurt you."

Sora was almost inclined to relax and let the door fly open,

Roxas: Why?

but a shout from below made him think better of it. Sora fell to the floor as Marluxia's strength faded.

Marluxia: Why?

He could hear the banter on the other side. It sounded like they were running. Away from something.

Zexion: Away from the Fragmented Sentence Police, clearly.

"Hey!"

Sora leaned over the banister. He saw a boy who was maybe a year older than he was. He was holding a metal pipe.

"Don't let them get away!"

Sora frowned. "They're crazy!"

Larxene: (as boy) Thank you very much! That oh so helpful response totally turned this situation in our favor!

The boy rushed up the stairs. His light tan hair was tied back, and it looked like he had been punched quite a few times. He pulled the door open

Vexen: Because he's wisely decided Sora can't be trusted to do anything.

and ran down the hallway. Sora followed him.

Zexion: He has no mind of his own like that.

He seemed to be the least threatening, and if he was going to confront that pink haired man, he didn't want to be alone.

"Oh my god!" Sora exclaimed. The hall way, which had been completely white before, was covered in thick pools of blood. The blood had already clotted, and turned black. Even the windows were slathered in the sticky life source.

Larxene: Come play with us, Sora. We’ll be happy for ever and ever.
Mog: *from notes* Sora gets sick at the sight. Aww, poor fella.

"Stay close to the walls."

Vexen: Stick close to the blood, that will help your nausea.

Sora did what the other boy told him. Their feet squelched on the soaked carpet, and Sora kept his fingers away from the newly painted wallpapers.

Lexaeus: There's not actually blood on the wall, just the hotel renovating at the time. He decided to be courteous.

He prayed that he wasn't walking in what was left of his parents.

Axel: Or what was left of Rose Red’s faked murder scene.

They came upon an open hotel door, the other boy peered around the doorway and backed up.

"What is it?" Sora said.

The boy covered his mouth. "Quiet. Listen, I'm Riku,

Zexion: *involuntary shudder*
Vexen: They turned his silver hair TAN?

and you just entered the war."

"What war?"

Roxas: (as Riku) It’s the moment of truth and the moment to lie, it’s the moment to live and the moment to die, the moment to fight!

Riku peered around the doorway again. He slipped in.

Marluxia: On the blood.
Roxas: *leans away*

Sora followed him. Riku slipped down a hidden stairway.

Marluxia: Again, on—
Roxas: Please stop.

"I didn't know they had these."

Vexen: Hence why they’re hidden.
Lexaeus: They're doing a good job of staying hidden, then.

Sora said as he jumped down the steps by threes.

Axel (as Sora) Sproing sproing sproing!

"They have them in certain rooms for certain people, if you know what I mean." Riku said.

Larxene: (as Riku) Know what I mean, know what I mean? Nudge nudge, say no more.
Marluxia: (as Riku) I keep telling people servant staircases are an evil conspiracy and no one but you has ever listened. Lend me your ear so I can finally talk about the nefariousness of root cellars, too.

He burst through the steel door at the bottom.

Roxas: OH YEAH!

They ended up in an alleyway.

"Shit!" Riku cursed. "They got away."

Lexaeus: Perhaps if you hadn't run upstairs only to find a hidden door that lead downstairs, you would have gotten here with time to spare.

Sora was out of breath. He grabbed at the stitch in his side and wheezed. He looked down the alley. There was a black van at the end. It was parked, so Sora didn't pay it any mind,

Vexen: Apart from describing it for us.

but it wasn't long before harsh light blinded him, and the screech of car wheels drove his body into survival mode.

Marluxia: Better be on the lookout for trees that will switch that off on you.

"Watch out!"

Riku tackled Sora, and saved him from death.

Axel: (as Death) *snaps fingers* DAMN.

Sora instantly kicked him away and jumped to his feet.

Roxas: (as Sora) You just saved my life, you jerk!

He raced after the van, screaming for it to stop. He tried in vain to get close enough to at least catch the door handle. It sped away, leaving him in a cloud of dust and the angry steam of New York City.

Zexion: It’s raining but there’s still somehow dust to kick up. *writes*

"Come on," Riku said, pulling his hair free of his hair tie. "We need to go."

"They have my parents!" Sora protested. "I can't leave them."

"We'll you can't save them either." Riku retorted. "So stop whining.

Roxas: Yeah, stop reacting naturally to trauma.

You don't want to be here when the cops show up. They wouldn't take kindly to a whiny boy who was witness to a mass murder."

"Murder?" Sora said, high pitched.

Marluxia: What did you think had happened with all the blood?

Riku shrugged. "Are you coming?"

Sora nodded.

Zexion: He moved past that whole ‘murder’ fiasco quickly.
Lexaeus: For how much the prose keeps telling us he's disturbed by these events, what we see shows him taking this all outlandishly well.

He followed Riku, sneaking across the street. He looked back at the hotel. It had flown into a frenzy

Roxas: A fine frenzy, you might say.
Axel: Like there’d been a bomb in a birdcage.

at the discovery of the gruesome sight upstairs. Riku led him to the same computer store he had been in before. He pushed the door open lazily

Larxene: Let us continue to show how Riku is totes cool around murder.

and coughed as he entered.

"Riku?" came a soft girl's voice. "Is that you?"

"Yeah," Riku answered. "I've got a witness."

A girl with short red hair stood up from behind the counter. He looked gentle enough, but Sora could see she was rough.

Zexion: He? Is this Kairi or Xion?
Roxas: Xion’s a girl!
Larxene: *leer* That's what she wants you to think.
Roxas: *glare* She identifies as a girl.

Her eyes were sorry. Like she knew what had happened.

"What happened?"

Axel: So much for ‘she knew what had happened’.
Zexion: Our fourth contradiction already. *writes*

"It was the Heartless." Riku explained. "I'm sure of it."

"Who's this?"

Riku shrugged. "I couldn't risk him ratting me out to the cops. I saved him. He's a witness. We could use him."

Sora was drinking in their conversation,

Roxas: Glug glug glug.

not understanding a word of it. "Heartless? You mean that gang of internet pirates?"

Vexen: Sora, their entire exchange was roughly forty words. How dense are you to only parse one noun out of that?

"Don't believe everything you see on TV, kid." Riku scoffed.

Axel: Screw you, I say house hippos are real!

He put his metal pipe on the counter. "They use the internet, sure, but they are nothing but a bunch of hate mongers."

"So, what's your name?" the red haired girl asked. She smiled.

"Sora."

"Don't give out your name so easily, kid." Riku said.

Larxene: *annoying voice* Stop being a nice person in this world, kid.

"You don't know who we are."

Sora frowned. "You're Riku."

"I could have told you anything." Riku snapped. "You don't know who I am. Just because I said I'm Riku, doesn't make it true."

Roxas: (as Riku) I am badfic!Riku, where no one focuses on the good things I did.
Zexion: ...Are you of all people defending him?
Roxas: *shrug* I figured 'We're all in this together' and to let bygones be bygones.

"Riku, stop picking on him." She looked at Sora. "I'm, Kairi. We should be friends."

Axel: (as Kairi) I’m currently on the run from the law and will drag you down to an underworld of despair and death. We should be friends!

Sora nodded, but still couldn't shake the feeling that he saw someone he knew in the black van.

Marluxia: Thank you for reminding us of something that had never been established.
Zexion: *pen at the ready* Does that count as a continuity error?
Mog: *from notes* Riku continues being a jerk-kupo, Kairi continues being nice.

Kairi nodded. "Hey, Sora?"

"Yeah?"

"You want us to help you get your parents back?"

Axel: (as Sora) Hmmm... Naw, I changed my mind about that. But since we’re friends, let’s go get ice cream right now!
Mog: *from notes* Let's skip some author's notes and go to chapter two right now!

Chapter 2: Welcome Home

"What the fuck is the meaning of this? Let me go!"

Larxene: What a coincidence. Those were my exact words when Mog dragged me in here.

Ryan shouted, and he tried with all his might to flex out of his rope bonds, but glued to the chair he remained.

Roxas: Now he has no choice but to walk around with a chair glued to his butt until it gets removed.

He hadn't a clue where he was, but last night he had been taken from his home (and his bed) in Queens by a group of men in dark clothing, blindfolded, driven elsewhere, and tied down to a wooden chair in the center of a dark basement. Although he did not know who his kidnappers were, he counted six of them, all wearing hoods over their heads, shadows being the only masks needed.

Axel: Ryan has Riku's power of seeing through blindfolds.
Lexaeus: No, I believe he was only blindfolded for the drive.
Zexion: *crosses out* Fine, we won't count that. Confusion and contradiction aren't the same.

One was right in front of him, looking down, arms crossed. He turned around to one of his fellows and said in a quiet voice that sent chills down Ryan's spine, "Zexion? The information?"

Another voice replied, lower, younger, and with a slight British twinge to it,

Zexion: The authors have me confused with Luxord.
Roxas: Or Xaldin's... whatever it is accent.

a voice that either lacked all emotions or at least attempted to.

"Ah, yes," said this other man. The shuffling of papers was heard. Ryan bared his teeth and gave another flex; nothing.

Vexen: ... nothing what? Baring his teeth did nothing? Flexing the ropes did nothing? Staying conscious did nothing?
Zexion: Some people cannot make minimalism work.

The other man continued, "Name: Ryan Hall. Age: Seventeen. According to Facebook, in a relationship with Lily Ion, also seventeen. IP Address, ."

Marluxia: Your group is no longer threatening when you admit you get your information off of Facebook.
Roxas: What if his page was private? “EvilOrganizationThatYouShouldTotallyTrust has sent you a friend request. Confirm or deny?”

"Ah," said Ryan, a grin slowly playing on his lips. "I get it. You're apart of the Heartless gang, those hackers you see on TV."

"Not quite," said another kidnapper with an even lower voice that was thick with impatience. "The Heartless are a mere tool, a means to an end, made up by the weakest of men, and our scapegoats. Do not compare us to those pathetic 'Internet pirates'.

Axel: (as whatever Org member this will end up being) They don't commit real crimes. We, on the other hand, would steal a car or a handbag or a television or a DVD. We would even torrent.

Continue, Zexion…"

"Er, yes," spoke the young British man again.

Zexion: The accent you are searching for is not “British”, but “educated”. I realize that Hollywood has brainwashed the masses into thinking they’re one and the same, but they’re not.
Roxas: Where’s Luxord’s punny ways when you need him?

"Anyways…

Axel: Yeah, cuz “anyways” totally makes me think of Zexion.

Height, 5"11, Weight, 130 lbs., Eye Color: Blue, Hair Color: Blonde.

Roxas: Oh no.
Axel: What?
Roxas: Now I know why Mog told me to show up.
Larxene: They’re being really generous with your height, Tiny.
Vexen: Perhaps it's a typographical error.
Marluxia: They really meant five-foot one.
Roxas: Shut up!

Author of second-place winning essay The Chaos Theory, which lost its title of first place due to frightening other students' parents."

Ryan's heart sunk faster than lead dropped into water. How did these people know of his essay?

Axel: It’s not like it was entered in a public contest or anything.

"Such a waste," said the man standing right in front of him sadly. "Such a waste of your time, to not get first place."

Ryan spat back, "What's it matter to you, anyways?" He heard his voice crack, and blushed, not because of the high pitch he had just reached, but because the man had just spoken the words that had been running through his mind for weeks now.

Larxene: (as Ryan) You're right, strange man. I do deserve to be the bestest best at everything.

The Chaos Theory: A Study of Anarchy and the Butterfly Effect. Ten pages long, eleven-point font, strong vocabulary, brilliant philosophy from a minor, yet lost to a rinky-dink essay

Roxas: *singing* Skidamarink-a-dink-a-dink, skidamarink a-doo, I haaaate thiiiis.

on the effects of religion in culture, by some twat who had English class with Ryan every day.

Zexion: Are we sure Ryan isn't the British one? What New Yorker uses “twat” of all words to insult someone?

The essays were for a contest, the Writer's Youth contest, that had the theme of "Worldview" this year. Being an avid reader on Chaos Theory since his freshman year,

Vexen: Oh, he lies. He learned it from Jeff Goldbloom in Jurassic Park and doesn’t want to admit that to anyone.

Ryan was happy to write up an essay about it. When he handed it in, his teacher (who was one of the judges) was ecstatic,

Axel: Methinks Ryan was a terrible student and the teacher was just glad he handed in anything.

and Ryan was sure that first prize would be his.

Roxas: (as Ryan) One teacher likes it. Nothing stands in my way now!

But it was not his. When the essays were put on display for public viewing, many parents felt offended. His essay had to be taken down due to the controversy, and first prize was given to Adam McLean, one of the biggest assholes who Ryan had ever met. Cocky, obnoxious, and flat-out impolite,

Marluxia: And he was mean, too.

McLean danced up onto the stage and claimed the prize he should not have been given. Due to the uproar the parents causes when seeing Ryan's essay, Ryan was forced to wait out in the hall, alone, and was given his blue ribbon once everybody was gone.

Zexion: Look on the bright side, Ryan. Your essay lost but your pig won first prize at the county fair.

His English teacher also approached him sadly and showed him that his essay had been ripped in two by a couple of offended fathers,

Vexen: What, was it like a wishbone? Whoever gets the bigger half gets to yell at the minor?

who also promised to press charges against the school for "corrupting their youth"

Marluxia: (as fathers) We must protect the minds of our innocent and vulnerable high school students!

even though Ryan's affiliation with his own high school was lacking, and Chaos Theory was based on nothing taught in a textbook. Ryan walked home, unacknowledged by his neglectful parents, ran up to his room, and cried his eyes out.

Larxene: Oh, boo hoo, you were runner-up of a stupid contest. Go out and get some real problems, you wuss.

The cruelty of the bastards and the pure jealousy that came with losing first place haunted every corner of his mind for the next couple of weeks. In the shower, he daydreamt of Adam dancing in his face, and he himself sticking a knife into the prick's back. He thought of every possible scenario, starring himself and the parents and judges who attended, all of them fantasies of blood and death.

Lexaeus: If you think this is overreacting, you don’t want to know what went through the minds of those who lost.
Axel: Who would have thought all this time that little Roxas had the potential to murder us in our sleep.
Roxas: No! I don’t do stuff like this!
Lexaeus: ...Didn’t you demolish a computer?
Roxas: Well, it was in a virtual—
Larxene: You went stab-happy on DiZ, too.
Roxas: Well, I was kinda stress—
Zexion: And I doubt Sora appreciated the Final Mix fight.
Roxas: Okay, so I have anger management issues! But I don’t sit and plan out how I’m going to kill people!

Sometimes he tried to keep his cool about it. It's not like it mattered that much, right? I mean, he still got second…but no praise, only insults. He was still a good-looking, smart guy…

Vexen: And totally humble, and NOT in need of psychiatric help.

with no friends, no loving parents, and a girlfriend on vacation across the country.

Axel: Welp, may as well turn to terrorism. It's the logical choice, really.

No.

Roxas: My heart belongs to me!

The hate fantasies continued, plagued his every thought, lurked under every smile he gave to his peers or teachers. Many times he contemplated bringing a gun to school and shooting McLean to death or near-death, but decided against it; he was not the type to attack someone in such a cowardly and pathetic manner,

Marluxia: If he's going to kill someone over such a petty problem, he'll make damn sure everyone sees what a raging loony he is.

plus, he could not smuggle a gun into school without getting caught

Roxas: Now, a scythe by a doorman? That you can totally smuggle in.

- he was not that invisible in the eyes of his peers.

It scarred him, terribly.

Larxene: Like the no-skinned wimp he is.

He rarely competed, and had a pittance of self-confidence already, so losing to someone who gloated about it every day drove him mad.

Vexen: Are they honestly trying to make us sympathize with the teenager having murder fantasies?
Axel: Mog, did you put up pages of Nineteen Minutes by mistake?

Living a lonely life with his parents always fighting with each other and ignoring him, having a girlfriend for a week and having her leave him to be with God knows who,

Zexion: How horrible that your girlfriend of one week have a life of her own.

and having nothing but his studies to keep him company, the fate of losing his big moment was Earth-shattering.

Axel: Have you gotten this yet? Did you get how broken he is about it? Here, let me tell you five hundred more times!
Larxene: He's sad, he's shattered, he's loopy, he's coocoo for Coco Puffs, he's crazier than a coconut full of cocaine— and he's our main character, ladies and gentlemen! Sit down and get comfortable, folks, this is gonna be fun.

So he winced whenever he was reminded of it, much like the robed man "Zexion" had.

Roxas: Oh my gosh, I think the clunky exposition is finally over!

"It means everything to us," spoke the man named Zexion. "Vexen, turn on the bloody light, I can't see a damn thing…"

Zexion: You can tell I’m British, since I say “bloody” instead of “fucking”.

A click was heard, and a small light bulb hanging from the ceiling by a string turned on, a young man with long, blonde hair and sea-green eyes standing underneath it.

All: *look at an obviously not young Vexen*
Vexen: I don’t know, let's move on.

Something about the man's face was impressive, almost glowing,

Larxene: Ah, that good old pregnant glow.

and Ryan found himself unable to look a way for a moment, realizing he was intimidated. But, wait…that face was familiar. Yes, he knew who this was! It was-

"Vincent!" he cried aloud.

Zexion: He said sayingly.

"Vincent Redman! Oh, my God…You're the guy who invented the Monger Serum, the one that's trying to make people human shields! You're a scientific legend!"

Roxas: (as Ryan) And the most frustrating boss ever!

Although he seemed devoid of emotion, Doctor Redman laughed heartily. When he sobered, he said, "Vincent Redman? I have not gone by that name in a while. It's 'Vexen', now, I'm afraid."

Vexen: So many “vexing” puns... Ugh, I still shudder at them all to this day.

"Wha-? What're you doing here? Why am I here? What do you want?" demanded Ryan, now more confused than ever.

"Ryan, relax," said the man in front of him, who removed his hood. Ryan almost recoiled at the first sight of this man. The stranger had long black hair, almost reaching his shoulders, straightened and streaked with premature gray in some strands, which made Ryan think of a royal king from Medieval times. However, unlike those noble kings, this man's face was heavily scarred. Two permanent slashes formed an "X" right in the middle of the man's face.

Larxene: Awesome, Xigbar will at least make this entertaining.
Roxas: Wait, something doesn’t seem right about that description...

Despite his calm, cool, and collected voice, he looked brutish and even more intimidating than Vincent "Vexen" Redman.

Vexen: I merely, unambiguously, stood in one place with no apparent emotion. A nineteen-day old kitten would likely be more intimidating in presence.

"Yes, my friend, we mean no harm," spoke the kidnapper called Zexion, and Ryan's eyes flickered and his mouth dropped agape in another rush of surprise.

"Sonofabitch,"

Axel: It’s just a crummy commercial!

Ryan whispered when he could manage to recover from the shock. "I know you. You're Zeke Fender, you graduated high school when I was ending my sophomore year.

Marluxia: Zeke? As in short for Ezekiel?
Axel: A Christian reference in Kingdom Hearts? Surely you jest!

You were that really smart, quiet guy that everyone seemed to like. I…I…"

Zeke raised his hand to silence his "hostage". Ryan just stared at him, amazed at this reappearance of an acquaintance that he had never met in his school years.

Lexaeus: It takes a special talent to remember someone you've never met.
Vexen: And to call him an “acquaintance” when you've never been acquainted.

According to teenage gossip, Zeke had been a foreign student from Britain,

Vexen: Unlike those foreign students from two blocks away.

but had charmed almost all of his classmates into liking him.

Roxas: He spent millions of yen on Pheromone Coffee, but it was worth it!

Zeke was a thin guy, with a head of long, messy hair that was gray all over, either dyed or aged early.

Zexion: My hair is short, thank you very much.
Larxene: Your bangs, on the other hand, are why you're hereby dubbed "Fringe".
Zexion: You're not honestly going to—
Larxene: Oh, sorry, Fringe, can't hear you over that stupid haircut of yours!

This was not the Zeke Ryan remembered;

Marluxia: Which isn't all that surprising considering a couple of years have passed and you never knew him in the first place.

this was "Zexion".

"We just wish to offer you something," spoke the scarred man in a fatherly tone that Ryan had never heard before.

Axel: Because the poor woobie murderer was never hugged by his daddy.

"You see, Ryan: like you, we're all unappreciated scientists. All twelve of us, and that's including our leader and the others who're not here. We have a little thing going on here,

Larxene: We aren’t nicknamed Orgy 13 for nothin’!

and we would like you to be apart of it."

Zexion: (as man) Yes, we took you down here just to tell you to leave us alone.
Roxas: Typos are fun.

Suspicious but listening closely, Ryan asked, "What 'little thing'?"

"A…er…a disease. A Virus. A god-Virus.

Vexen: Make up your mind.

You see, Ryan, we are breeding a weapon of mass destruction to work towards a bigger goal, a goal I cannot go into details about and that you'll have to hear from our leader. However, the essence of it is…we are extending an invitation for you to join our little league of underground scientists and help us create our Virus, which with we can use to destroy anybody who ever dared to cross you…us."

"Anyone?" Ryan spoke slowly. His mind was racing furiously. "Anyone I desire?"

Axel: Yes, we’ll totally be able to control the virus. It won’t mutate ever!
Vexen: So they’ve taken in a high school student who wrote about philosophy to become a virologist?
Axel and Roxas: Makes total sense to me!
Mog: *from notes* However, kupo, Ryan has to promise undying loyalty to the leader. *looks through his notes* Who I thought would be named Xemnas but he's always called Xehanort. *pause* This is a little confusing.

"So, Ryan, the choice is up to you. Do you wish to wreak havoc on those who crossed you, and finally leave an impact on the world? Or would you rather go back to school, being a…a Nobody?"

Roxas: Well, that’s not very nice.
Zexion: With a capital N.
Roxas: Oh, then that’s different.

How long did Ryan think about it? A second? A minute? Hour?

Vexen: Yes, six men let you sit and think for an hour about a yes or no answer.

He couldn't quite recall, afterwards. All he remembered was a flash of memories whirling in his head, from every bully he had ever encountered, to losing the contest, to watching Adam McLean dance up onto the stage, to hugging Lily goodbye when she went off to Germany,

Roxas: Even though it stated before she was across the country and not overseas.
Zexion: *writes that down*

to being in the midst of his parents' constant arguing and neglect. The dark seed of hatred that had been planted in his mind seemed to finally grow into a flower, the Plant of Opportunity.

Axel: Marluxia’s work, I’m sure.
Marluxia: Of course.

A grin slowly spread upon his face.

"Where do I sign?"

Axel: Right next to Ariel's signature. You've both made a deal with the devil.
Mog: *from notes* Ryan is free. Yay!

"Might as well introduce ourselves," said the scarred man. "We are the Six Trusted, the higher-ranking officials of this organization, which is now called Organization XIII."

"Thirteen?" said Ryan, puzzled.

"There's thirteen of us," the man explained patiently.

Vexen: You can't do simple math but they still want you as an asset to their terrorist plans. This is sure to be a fun read.

"Hence, Organization XIII.

Axel: (as man) It was Organization Twelve before, but that just doesn't sound as cool, so we hired you.

Anyways, we all have aliases, new names for a New Order. You may choose yours, but there is only one rule: you must include an 'X' within it. This is in tribute to our leader, Dr. Xehanort, who you'll be meeting soon enough.

Zexion: That still doesn’t explain why our leader has a name which is an anagram of “no heart” with the symbol for Christ at the beginning.
Vexen: Or “another” with a mathematical variable in it.
Axel: Remember when villains used to be named simple things like Pete or Mortimer?

I am Saix, Second-in-Command of the Organization.

Larxene: Just keep lying to yourself.
Roxas: But... it described him as having Xigbar's hair.
Marluxia: Clearly I am the only one allowed to keep my original design in this story.
Vexen: Because a serial killer with pink hair wouldn’t be easily identifiable.

You've already 'met' Zexion and Vexen. The other three however…"

The three other cloaked men all came over and removed their hoods simultaneously.

Axel: They’ve been practicing their synchronization all week.
Mog: *from notes* Xigbar is introduced before moving on to...

"This is Xaldin, born in Connecticut, raised in Hawaii.

Roxas: Why?
Vexen: Because only people from the tropics have dreadlocks, you silly boy.

Dr. Xehanort's personal bodyguard," Saix told Ryan.

Lexaeus: He's doing a poor job of that at the moment.

Xaldin was a big, burly man with dark black hair that was tied up into dreadlocks. This man did not say "hello", nor shake Ryan's hand; instead, he gave a grunt and a nod of assent. Ryan felt a lump form in his throat.

Roxas: He doesn't like me. Now I has a sad.

"Last, but certainly not least, is Lexaeus."

Larxene: *leans forward* Oh boy, I can’t wait to see how they realistically explain the crap-tonne of vowels in your name.

This last man was almost, but not quite, as big as Xaldin, yet had a short flame of fiery red hair that was spiked with some sort of gel. Lexaeus shook hands with Ryan, smiling politely. Ryan returned the smile, which made his chest feel warm, like someone had been burning a fire inside him.

Roxas: Someone likes me. I has a happy!

"Now that we're all acquainted…" muttered Saix,

Zexion: But Lexaeus didn’t do anything.
Lexaeus: Fans' lack of interest in me protects my character from ruin.

and he walked towards the stone wall underneath the staircase. He lightly touched one of the granite blocks that made up this structure, and it pressed into the wall. The sound of cranking was heard, and part of the wall lifted into a door, much to Ryan's amazement.

Marluxia: Now entering Diagon Alley.

The other members of the Organization went into the door and disappeared to someplace beyond it. Saix smiled and motioned for Ryan to enter. Slightly paranoid because of having heard stories about group-raping,

Axel: Oh, so it only occurs to him now that a bunch of bat-squeak insane people shouldn’t be trusted.
Vexen: Is the simpler, better known phrase “gangbang” not worthy of this fic's high-calibre literary intellect?
Mog: *from notes* Welcome to Oblivion Labs, everybody! So far we're getting a tour of the den.

Ryan felt tears swim in his eyes, and he quickly wiped them away; he would not leave a weak first impression.

Roxas: Best friend dying right in front of me? Other group of friends never knowing about me and seeing Sora off on the train? That’s nothing, it’s the shiny lab that actually gets me crying like a baby!

However, Saix saw this and put an arm around this newest member, with a fatherly love that said it all: I've been where you've been, and we're in this together.

Axel: Saix... Fatherly...
Zexion: It’s like forcing magnets to stick to each other.

"Come on," said Saix. "Come sit in the den with Xigbar and I. Ah, I see someone else is there, too. We have an Xbox. Do you like Xbox?"

All: ... *headtilt*

"Y-Yessir," sniffed Ryan.

"So do we. Well, come on. See if you wanna play."

Axel: (as Saix) Our plans for world domination can wait. Wanna see how many achievement points I have?
Mog: *from notes* Wowwy, someone with red hair!

"The faggot won't let me play," said Xigbar to Saix, who sat down on one of the couches against the perimeter of the den.

Roxas: Moooooom, Billy won't let me play Xbox with him!

Ryan sat next to him.

"I'm playing Halo 3, Xigbar," said the redheaded smoker. "This is serious shit, and I will not have you interrupt the war against the Covenant because you want to play Marble Blast Ultra like the dork you are. That game is shit."

"I wish to God you would just shut up sometimes, Axel," said Xigbar.

"Love ya', too, buddy."

"Go fuck yourself."

"Isn't that what your mother is for? If not, I want my money back."

Larxene: Organization XIII! Fear us and our small talk!

"You'll get used to this," said Saix, but Ryan was grinning.

Axel: (as Saix) You'll get used to us speaking in a way that makes Eli Roth sound like Shakespeare.

The redhead paused his game, took the cigarette out of his mouth, blew a puff of smoke, and stared at Ryan through the haze.

"This is the new guy?" he asked.

"Yes," said Saix. "This is Ryan. At least, for now. Unless he's considered a name?"

"Well, I thought 'Roxas' was kinda cool," said Ryan, blushing. "I used that name for a lot of internet forums and such. Ironic that it has an 'X', the only requirement."

Axel: What a realistic coincidence!

"Hmm. Yes, I like it," said Saix, smiling. "Well, then. Welcome aboard, Roxas."

Larxene: But what Roxas didn’t know was that the two hour tour was not going to go as smoothly as planned.

The redhead, now playing his game again, gave a quick obnoxious laugh before saying, "'Roxas'? Seriously? I can already tell you're gonna be a pain in my Roxasshole."

Roxas: *stands up* I’m leaving.
Axel: No! You are not leaving me to suffer through this!
Roxas: They just did a “rox-ass” joke. How much better do you think it’s going to get?

Sighing, Saix said, "Roxas, this is Axel, one of our spies. He's brilliant at what he does…I only wish he'd take it seriously. That, and sew his mouth shut."

Axel: Oh, so they’ve gotten me confused with Demyx instead.
Mog: Make fun of the story, not your friends!
Axel: ...Mog has a very warped sense of reality, doesn't he?

Axel gave a mock laugh, "I take my job very seriously, Saix, I've no idea what you're talking about."

"Last week, instead of interrogating our contact, you went to the Petting Zoo, Axel,"

Zexion: Our terrorist group, ladies and gentlemen. They put off their work to go pet bunnies.
Axel: I named one Jimmy 2.

said Saix, voice heavy with disdain. "And just today, you were supposed to find test subjects at that hotel across the street from the store we're trying to get information on.

Vexen: (as Saix) If you'd done your work I wouldn't have to spout painful exposition right now.

I had to send in Marluxia and Demyx with Vexen, instead. Where were you?"

"Here," said Axel simply. "Because I didn't get an order to go."

"I called you and said 'Green light'."

Axel: (as self) And I said “red light”. I thought that’s how the game worked.

"Yeah, but that could mean anything, Saix. Like, you could've been abducted by an alien spaceship with green lights. So, I practiced my alien-fighting skills by playing Halo. So, you'll be thanking me if you ever get abducted by aliens-"

"You know what Green light means, Axel."

Roxas: So would anyone over the age of three. Our codes suck.

"Uhhhh. I was sick?" said Axel.

"Yeah, bullshit," said Xigbar, chuckling. "Now let me play Marble Blast, fire-crotch, or I'll throw you into the television."

"How'll you watch your bestiality porn every night, then, Xigbar?"

Larxene: Why are we so BORING?!

Xigbar roared and tackled Axel off the couch. On the floor, the two playfully wrestled each other, while Ryan "Roxas" Hall laughed himself to tears; Saix himself was grinning.

Vexen: How did we go from gang violence, mass murder, and kidnapping to... to this?
Roxas: This is going to be one of the really painful fics, I can feel it.

After a moment, the two sat back up on the couch, laughing along with the others. Soon, it died down, and they watched in silence as Axel played his videogame.

Marluxia: They soon grew as bored as we now are.

A couple minutes later, Axel turned to Roxas and asked him, "You wanna grab something to eat in the kitchen?"

Realizing how hungry he was, Roxas nodded and stood up. He followed Axel up the two steps out of the den, and through the door labeled "Kitchen".

Axel: Yes, fear us, the mighty Organization XIII! Fear us and our need to label rooms we already know!

Inside here was a kitchen

Larxene: No shit.

that looked incredibly professional, with many stoves and working tables, not to mention a trio of chrome refrigerators.

Roxas: They can perform a Trinity Limit.

A small clock was on the wall above the fridges, and Roxas saw with a jolt that it was only midnight; it felt like he had been kidnapped and brought into the Organization weeks ago.

Marluxia: Aw, the heartwarming story of how a boy found a family with his kidnappers. I think there’s a syndrome for that.
Vexen: There’s a syndrome for everything.

Axel opened one of the chrome fridges and disappeared behind its door.

Roxas: Maybe he disappeared from the story forever.

Roxas walked over, hands stuffed in his black jeans, and leaned against a table.

Larxene: Of course the emo kid wears black.

"You drink?" asked Axel.

"Nah, man, never got into that stuff."

"Okay. Is Mountain Dew good?"

"Anything lower on caffeine? I wanna go to sleep in a little bit, if I'm staying overnight…which I hopefully am."

Axel: Sleepover at Oblivion Labs! Let's watch zombie movies all night!

"We have milk." Axel turned and raised his eyebrows at Roxas. "You want some milkie-wilkie?"

Vexen: Is this supposed to be you showing you’re more mature than him?
Axel: I'll answer that when the other me stops saying stupid things.

Yes, came to mind, but Roxas figured it wouldn't look so very macho if he drank "milkie-wilkie" on his first night here.

"I'll take a Mountain Dew, then."

"Alrighty. I'll heat up some pizza. You can go back in and lounge about, I guess."

"Okay. Cool."

Zexion: No it isn't.
Lexaeus: This is dull.
Vexen: Immensely so.
Mog: *from notes* Roxas walks back into the den to meet Demyx.

"Wait…Demyx?" Roxas asked. "The Demyx? You've got that hit single out, 'She Sells Sea Shells', don't you? You're in the Organization?"

Zexion: His other singles are “Peter Pecked Some Pickled Peppers” and “Toy Boat”.

"Yep," he replied, still in that dreamy state.

Roxas looked up at Xigbar, who just shook his head. Roxas chuckled, but it was interrupted by a large yawn.

"Bed," said Saix firmly, who was walking from the door labeled "Bathroom".

Vexen: We needed a label for that room because the toilet wasn’t enough of a clue.

"Huh? What?" spluttered Roxas. "No, I can't, Axel's heating up some pizza-"

"No. Bed," repeated Saix.

Axel: Geez, and I thought the canon Organization was strict. They didn’t give their teenage members bedtimes, at the very least.

"You have a long day tomorrow. Demyx can take you to your room. Right, Demyx?"

"Hu-WHA?" Demyx snapped out of his musical trance, shaking his head rather rapidly, blinking swiftly. "Oh, uh…yeah, okay. Let's go, little guy."

Marluxia: The five-foot-eleven little guy.

"Oh, shut up," said Roxas, laughing.

Demyx left his guitar on the couch,

Axel: HAHA! I WIN!
Larxene: Bastard. *hands over munny*

and the two climbed out of the den and through the "Stairwell" doorway.

Zexion: The stairs themselves weren’t obvious.

A large metal staircase went both up and down in this room, zigzagging its way up from floor to floor.

Roxas: (as Demyx) Careful. The stairs like to move.

On the opposite wall, however, was an elevator, much to Roxas' bemusement. Demyx led him over, pressed the ringing button to go up, and entered the elevator when the two slide doors opened. When they were both inside and the doors were shut, Roxas blurted out, "How the hell did you fit all this in here?"

Demyx grinned. "Organization XIII, mate. We have no known limitation."

Roxas: (as Demyx) And we hijacked the Tardis!

With another ring, the doors opened and Roxas was staring at a colorful, carpeted hallway with doors on either side, that looked much like a hotel's hallway.

Roxas: Come play with us—
Axel: We can’t do that reference every time, okay?

"You're Room #13," said Demyx. "All the way down the hall. Have a good sleep."

Roxas exited, and the doors of the elevator shut as Demyx made his way back down to the lounge, and his guitar.

Axel: And I'll buy THIS with Larxene's munny, and I'll buy THAT with Larxene's munny...

Realizing with a jolt that he was just escorted by a famous musician, Roxas walked down the hall with a bit of a swagger, past all the room numbers.

Roxas: (as self) Hello, numbers. You're laying your eyes on a guy-that-now-knows-a-semi-famous-guy! You only wish you were as awesome as me!

None of the doors to the other rooms opened, until he reached twelve. He turned and yelped in shock at the person looking back at him; it was a young, blonde woman, completely naked from the waste-up,

Larxene: So I’m sitting in a garbage can?

and wearing an apron to cover whatever was underneath. Her breasts were pushed together by her arms, covered in scars both new and old,

Larxene: My boobs are my shield.

and she studied Roxas with eager green eyes.

"Hey, cutie," she said and giggled.

"Um, hi," croaked Roxas. "You do realize you're…you're…"

"Is 'naked' the word you're looking for? Yes, I am; I'm having a bit of fun with Zexy in here. Or, rather, he's having a bit of fun with me."

Zexion and Larxene: *lean far away from each other despite several people separating them*

"Zexy?" Roxas repeated. "You…you mean Zexion?"

"Of course. You're welcome to join in," she said, batting her eyelids.

Larxene: *bats eyes at Roxas* Wanna try a little ménage à trois? It'll be fuuun!
Roxas: *scoots one seat over*

Blushing furiously, Roxas muttered, "Uh. No thanks. I'll just be heading to my room, then…"

Zexion: (as Roxas) Locking my door behind me...

The girl burst out in a cackling laughter, which reminded Roxas very much of a witch.

Larxene: *holds hands to chest* Aww, that's the sweetest thing anyone's ever said to me.

"I'm only kidding, kid," she said between gales of laughter. "I just wanted to introduce myself. I'm Larxene, member XII.

Vexen: I do love how we’re able to say the Roman numerals.

Looks like I'll be your neighbor. Don't mind the noise, if I have one of the guys in here, okay? I just like a bit of fun."

Axel: Their games of Pictionary can get intense.

"N-no problem," stammered Roxas. "Name's Roxas. Pleased to meet you, Larxene."

"Get a good night's sleep," she said, winking. She closed the door. Moans and groans followed on the other side.

Larxene: We’re really not doing anything, we’re just making noises to creep him out.

Jeez, he thought as he opened his door. I hope Lily and I never end up like that.

Marluxia: (as Ryan) I hope my girlfriend and I never physically interact.

His room was also just like a hotel room.

Roxas: REDRUM was written on the back of the door in lipstick.
Axel: Wouldya quit with The Shining already?!
Roxas: My brain is starting to shut down from all the small-talk, I need to focus on something.
Mog: All that's left is Ryan/Roxas going to bed so, if you want to, I have permission to give you all a break here.
All: Yes!
[to be continued...]