thelectureroom: Mog! (Default)
[personal profile] thelectureroom
Title: The Nobody Virus
Author: hajikurazaki19 and DeadShut
Rating: One for the terrible-and-we-mean-Terrible writing, one for the horribly boring characters, one for the sexism (OMIGAWD THE SEXISM), one for the needless and graphic violence, and one just to let you know that this entire fic is devoid of any entertainment value whatsoever. You have been warned.
Full Name (including any titles): Ryan “Roxas” Hall, Sora O’Reily. (There's a million more, but they're not worth remembering.)
Full Species(es): Scum of the earth.
Hair Color (include adjectives): The quick summary for this part is to say that sometimes hair is same as canon, sometimes it’s something entirely different. There is never any good reason for either.
Eye Color (include adjectives): The most memorable colour is green. Why is it memorable? You’ll see.
Unusual Markings/Colorations/Physical Features: *shrugs*
Special Possessions (if any): Sora has a fancy stick masquerading as the Keyblade in one pocket and seemingly an Idiot Ball in the other, because incompetence like his has to be in tangible form. The story itself also has a weird love/hate relationship with Italy.

Origin: Frank Miller’s Guide to Fanfiction (with a foreword by Alan Moore)
Connections To Canon Characters: Stole their names. And then killed them to hide the evidence.
Special Abilities: Hallucinating others into believing anyone's had character development or changed in any way whatsoever.
Other Annoying Traits: Let’s save you some time and compress the answer down to “Everything not mentioned above.”

I Say/Notes: We're at the second-to-last part, so let's make sure to give the most useless subplot in all of fiction's history its deserved spotlight.

Part One
Part Two
Part Three
Part Four
Part Five
Part Six
Part Seven
Part Eight
Part Nine
Part Ten
Part Eleven
Part Twelve
Part Thirteen

24. Amnesiac

Axel: The dark descendant.


Xion: You know, I had just been thinking to myself that this fic that thinks 'mature' writing is to fetishize violence was missing something. That something was to take the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants method and quote its own characters.

"You shouldn't have done that."
-"Jadusable" series

Zexion: And I had been thinking to myself that this story— that has twice now tried to blame all the world's problems on pop culture— needed to quote an Internet myth based on a cult classic video game.

Fourteen years previously…

Axel: Something happened but no one cared. DONE!
Mog: *from notes* Yeah.

Braig awoke in the hospital with a yelp. He was tucked neatly in his bed, which was surrounded by Mick and Everett.

Roxas: Braig was in the middle of a fever dream and saw hundreds of Micks and Everetts surrounding him.

They both looked concerned.

Lexaeus: They’ve seen the hospital bill.

"What happened?" he asked. "Where am I?"

"Seaside Hospital," explained Everett.

Terra: You took him all the way to Oregon when he was almost dying?
Xion: This is a bit strange to make up a fictional hospital now when the fic went out of its way earlier to show off its research for Lennox.

"You got hit with Xehanort's weapon. It was a bad burn on your stomach, but the doctors patched you up. You should be ready to go soon. They all say you just need rest."

Zexion: Sleep is all you need to recover from skin and nerve injuries that could have killed you within minutes.

Braig looked at Mick. "Xehanort…"



Mick looked at the detective, who looked incredibly troubled. Disturbed, almost. Some new, never-before-seen dark light had filled the man's eyes, and it made Mick speak up.

Roxas: (as Mick) Are you finally going to be the villain fans love to hate? That’d be fun.

"We'll get him, though," he tried to reassure his friend. "It'll be okay."

Braig looked at him harshly. "Shut up, Mick. You don't know that for sure. If I could have just brought myself to do it…to get him down…we would've gotten him. I fucked it up. Nothing's been going right for me since you and your fucking A-Team got me involved with this shit."

Marluxia: Except this is the only thing that's happened to you since joining this fic.
Lexaeus: Although he is dying from chemical burns, so he's allowed to be a bit hyperbolic.

Everett spoke up, "Whoa, man, take 'er easy, okay? It was an honest mistake…"

"I'm not supposed to make mistakes!" barked Braig,


causing the two to jump. "I'm the best around!

Roxas: (as Braig) No one’s supposed to keep me down!

You said it yourself, Senator."

Mick snapped back, "This isn't a movie in which you star, Judas! Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone. You are no exception."

Marluxia: Trust us, you're not an exception. The only action this cast does is mistakes.

"Out," commanded Braig darkly. "Both of you."

Xion: (as emo!Braig) Leave me to wallow in my tears and misery.

Mick and Everett looked at each other, and Mick sighed.

Roxas: (as Mick) Okay, but whatever you do, don't turn yourself into another subplot. We have enough of those already.

They both left the room one after the other, not looking back at their injured friend.

Braig sat there, burned stomach and all,

Lexaeus: Why did the narrative have to point that out? I didn't think his stomach had wandered off to the cafeteria without him.

absolutely fuming. No, nothing had gone right since Mick approached him…everything was going screwy.

Larxene: That's still a stupid word.

First Demyx, now this horrible, horrible mishap. Was he not supposed to be the hero?

Lexaeus: No.

Was he not supposed to be, literally, the best?

Roxas: Like literally no one ever was?
Axel: No. You're the biggest troll of the entire game series and have a lot of fun being evil.

What is there to live for if to not be great? He pondered.

Larxene: Mog and I had this talk once. We decided cheesecake is still worth living for.
Mog: *from notes* Braig gets all ranty when...

"Whoa, calm down there, buddy. You'll give yourself a friggin' hemorrhage."

Braig turned and saw, to his amazement, that a man was sitting on the windowsill to the left of his bed. The man was clothed in black dress clothes with dark eyes and a bizarre little beard. If Braig had been a religious man, he would instantly assume this person was possessed by the Devil himself.

Roxas: Because the fic is still trying way too hard to slam on religion when it clearly knows nothing about religion.
Terra: Plus, that “bizarre little beard” is probably a simple goatee. Not a difficult word to look up.

"Wha…what the…" Braig stammered. "How'd you?"

The man smiled. "Sorry. I should be more polite. I've kinda been watching you, what you've been doing, and how you've been doing it.

Axel: (as man) You suck. That's all, toodles!

You're a strong guy, if I do say so myself. But I guess that white-haired-guy was a bit stronger, huh?"

"Get the fuck out."

"Now, now," the man wagged a finger. "I just want to help you. In return, I of course want you to help me."

Marlxia: It's like a video game quest.
Larxene: I know you’re trying to save the world, but could you do my errands for me? Thanks!

"Help me how?"

"I can round up those guys," said the man. "I truly can.

Xion: (as man) I truly-uly really-eely can!

The Senator, the cop, the girl, the man…all of them. I can round them up, and bring them all to you so you can redeem yourself in front of all of them."

"How…how could you possibly do that?"

"I was hoping you'd ask."

Axel: He snaps his fingers and the lights suddenly cut off except for a single spotlight. A heartfelt jazz solo soon followed.

The man hopped off the windowsill and into the hospital room. He walked to the foot of Brig's bed, and began to twitch a little bit…as if he were straining for something. Then, Braig watched as some shadowy material emerged from the man's clothing and enveloped him. Soon, before Braig, stood a human-shaped creature except covered in the darkness, its face a monstrosity full of razor-sharp teeth and wide eyes.

Terra: (as Braig) You look an awful lot like—
Roxas: (as Vanitas) I'M NOT VENOM!

"Like it?" asked the man; his voice was accompanied by another, more sinister one. "It's an AI. Artificial Intelligence.

Zexion: (as Vanitas) I felt the need to explain this well-known acronym to you. I said you were strong, not smart.

Made by my grandfather in order to create the perfect soldier. It's like a gift…a gift I cannot take off fully, but can hide from others enough to surprise them.

Roxas: (as Vanitas) I've basically fused with the best prank of all time.

With this as my tool, there truly is no end to what I can do for you. I can bring you your friends and enemies…if you do a favor for me."

"And what might that be?" asked Braig, still surprised at the monstrosity before him.

Terra: Friends trying to cheer him up in trying times? Screamed at and ordered out of the room. Monster man appearing to him and asking for a deal? *leans forward* Tell me more!

"You're a detective, right? I want you in charge of finding the culprit of a mass crime-spree: me. As you are in this position, I want you to keep the cops off my tail."

"A crime spree? Are you fucking kidding me? You're just an average, everyday criminal?"

Xion: I know this is badfic!NYC, but "mass" crime spree doesn't qualify as "average". Average is shoplifting bubblegum.

"Not for money!" reassured the man-monster. "I've had a very hard life, my good man. A life in which I was forced to work everyday of my life.

Marluxia: Like every other person on planet Earth, you obnoxious brat of a fic.

Now it's my turn to have some fun. And what better fun can there be than ruining everything for everyone else in the Big Apple? Nothing, I tell ya'."

Zexion: We have a new contender for most shallow motivation and goal. Good work, Felix. You haven't been here long but you've already outdone yourself.

"You want me to lead the chase against YOUR crime-spree, and not let anybody catch you? That's like a conspiracy."

Roxas: Mick’s using his position of power to hide behind while asking children to do all the work for him. You’re already in a conspiracy, Braig.

The monster flashed a hellish grin. "Do you want to prove your worth to those who think it's lacking, or not? Even if you did not physically capture them, you'd have sent the guy who will, which is just the same."

Braig studied this man for a moment, then said, "This isn't right. Not at all. I'm not the bad guy. I may not be the nicest guy in the world, either, but I'm no bad guy."

Zexion: At this point, would anyone be surprised if it was revealed that this fic was supposed to be an original story that the authors turned into a Kingdom Hearts fic just to get more views? We can’t even use the age-old “out-of-character” complaint anymore since I don’t believe they were ever meant to be these characters in the first place.

"I know. So why not be in the middle, with me? If you're thinking comic book-style, don't be a villain and don't be a hero, but be the anti-hero."

Xion: (as Braig) You mean a comic book like Spider—

Braig contemplated this for a long time, perhaps a minute, while the stranger watched him.

Then, the man spoke, "Hang on, I brought you something."

Roxas: (as Vanitas) It's a Get Well card!

He jumped out the window again with the agility and endurance of an everyday insect before hopping right back in. In the man's black, clawed hand was a handgun. "It's your 9 millimeter. You dropped it back on the beach. I'm giving this to you because I trust you." He handed Braig the gun, handle-first. "Do we, or do we not, have a deal?"

How long did Braig think? A minute? A second? Later, he was not quite sure. All he remembered was that he eventually placed his hand on the grip of the pistol, and succumbed to his destiny.

Marluxia: Hi, paragraph from Session One. I see you were recycled from Ryan joining the Organization.

"We have a deal," said he, and the monster-man grinned.

"I didn't catch your name earlier."

"Braig. Judas Braig."

"Cool beans. I'm Void."

Axel: Nope, I think you're five. Seriously, cool beans? Did you not hear that in your head and consider “These may be the most embarrassing consecutive words I'll ever say”?
Mog: *from notes* We've gone a long time without killing innocent kupos, so time for more of that!

1:35 PM

The homeless men in the alleyway next to Central Park were all wolf-whistling and calling out sexual slurs as the woman in a tight gray suit walked through their turf. She looked like a secretary, with her briefcase in-hand, her hair tied into a tight bun, and her horn-rimmed glasses covering the light of her eyes. She walked with an air of undeserved triumph, and although the men were somewhat intimidated, they still called out to her out of hopes of getting laid. She wasn't really that good-looking…actually, she wasn't even remotely pretty. But, for the homeless, pussy was pussy.

Lexaeus: When you read a paragraph like that, you start to think being kind to women is this story’s anathema.
Terra: It's as if the fic went "Hey, look at this cool lady!" then realized it was almost compassionate to a woman so it had to quickly turn around and insult her to make the world continuing spinning.

One homeless man lay next to a garbage can that happened to have its contents lit on fire, for warmth. He was not crying, but he looked just about as miserable as any crying man would.

"Mr. McLean?" the woman asked.

Xion: (as woman) Are you still in this story or not?

Pete looked up, the shine of the metallic plates the Heartless used to keep him alive now revealing itself.

Roxas: I don't get you, story. You brought a man back from the dead by making him a cyborg, and what do you do with this character? You have him hang out in Central Park like a bum. It's like you WANT to be this boring.

"Ugh," she commented. "Aren't you an ugly shitter."

Terra: We’re going to find this incredibly out-of-character once you reveal who you are, won’t we?

"Who the fuck are you?" barked Pete. "Leave me be. I ain't feeling my best."

"Why's that?"

Zexion: (as McLean) I don't know, but I started feeling this way after the words “This is just the first chapter of yet another epic.”

"I'd tell you, but you'd probably tell the cops and have me shot."

"Oh?" she smiled. It was far from a warm smile. "Why's that? Because you're a member of the Heartless? Didn't you hear? Diz died earlier today."

Axel: (as woman) It was a huge let-down, I’m not surprised you didn’t hear about it.

"I know. We all know. I'm fucked."

"Not quite," she said. "I happen to be a relative of Diz's. My name is Amy. Amy Maleficent."

Marluxia: Another perfectly cromulent name joins the cast.
Xion: Have no fear! Amy Maleficent is here!

"Fucking great to meet you. Piss off."

"Now, now," she said. "No need to be so rude, dearie. I'm trying to help you. I want to rebuild my uncle's shitty little gang into something bigger.

Larxene: Maleficent does not say “shitty”. Maleficent is too cool to swear. Swearing is beneath her.

Better. And I want you to be my number two. Like you were his number two."

Roxas: A small cast must also make this fic shrivel up. Really, think about it. Whenever one character dies, the fic just adds someone new to take their place. Jerkbutt and Ienzo died, so they added in Isa and Hayner. Diz died so here's Maleficent to take over exactly what he was doing before. Although the best one has to be Vanitas replacing himself.
Mog: *from notes* So Amy's all “Let's continue Uncle's plan to take over the world” but that doesn't sound as fun as making Mclean her sex slave first.
Larxene: I'm thinkin' these writers got all their sex knowledge from reading bad porn on deviantart. So, porn.

"F-fuck you," wept Pete. "Fuck you."

"Exactly," she grinned. "Exactly. I hold the key to your entire life's return, Pete. Your street status. Your power. Your face. All in my hands."

Xion: (as Maleficent) I WANT YOUR FACE!
Axel: Enough Transformers 2 already.

"I…I guess I don't really have a choice, do I?"

"No," she said, standing up and unzipping her pants. "You don't."

Marluxia: He could just up and leave but no one ever takes that option.

"What're you doing?" he asked fearfully.

"Initiation time," she breathed. "You're gonna go down on me. Right here."

Terra: Forget the cursing of babies and dragon transformations, we know Maleficent is the villain because she's a woman that wants sex instead of merely recieving it.
Larxene: Cunnilingus is the sign of eeeeeviiiiil!

"No," he whispered. He said it again as she took her pants off, again as she took her panties off. He tried to back away, but she grabbed a fistful of his hair and brought him to what she always liked to refer to as her Forbidden Zone.

Xion: *singing* Highway to the Forbidden Zone! Gonna take you right intoooo For-bidden Zoone!
Zexion: I’ll give this fic one good point: no matter what you write, always have hope that you can never write something so bad as referring to a vagina as 'the forbidden zone'.

"Lick," she commanded, and after much struggling he did so.

And thus began the series of further humiliations that was Pete McLean's new life.

Axel: Can it really be worse than becoming Captain Asszipper?

6:45 PM

Although initially going back to the Labs, Axel remembered with a jolt that Marluxia was still there, and that sick fuck's self-control wasn't something Axel was about to put all his faith in. Instead, he found a small little motel made by shady people for shady people. He decided this place, if any, would be safest for his friend.

Roxas: I would make a joke, but considering all the authorities after them, keeping Ryan away from people who would ask questions is not a bad idea.

He got a room, which looked like it was infested with nine types of otherworldly dust,

Lexaeus: The nine circles of hellish allergens.

and put Roxas down upon the coffee-stained cot that this pathetic excuse for a hotel dared to call a bed. Roxas moaned and groaned there.

Zexion: Okay. I finally found some words. Even excusing how car accidents are a hated cliché because of their dramatic convenience, this accident has no connection to the plot we’ve seen thus far. Roxas could have been doing his job, he could have been at an important location—for example, the computer shop—or one of the millions of other characters could have spotted him and tried to kill him for whatever reason. But no. He was nowhere, doing nothing, when no one of importance ran him over for no real reason. This. Is not. Storytelling.
Terra: Also, who the heck is late to a job interview at six in the morning?

"Water," Axel told himself and poured his friend a glass of it. He propped Roxas up on a couple of pillows and allowed his friend to drink.

Xion: I like the use of the word “allow” as if Roxas needs his permission.

"Thanks," croaked the Chaos Theorist.

Lexaeus: Croaked the teen who had done absolutely nothing to do with chaos theory, or— let’s be honest— any science or philosophy of any kind.

"I owe you one."

"No problem, man," laughed Axel, clapping his buddy on the back. "You gave me a hell of a fright."

Roxas's drowsy eyes made contact with Axel's sharp green ones, and widened.

"Who…who the…" he jabbered. "Wha…where am I?"

Roxas: Near the end, fortunately.

"A shitty little hotel," said Axel. "Jesus, Roxas, relax…"

"Roxas? The fuck are you talking about? Who the fuck are you?" Roxas was now getting defensive, almost angry.

Marluxia: He's back to his usual self already.

Axel stood up, almost in fear.

Zexion: I almost want to say how dull this writing is.

"Christ, man! It's me! Axel!"

"I don't know any Axel," growled Ryan Hall, standing up and glowering at his former friend.

Axel: It’s like karma for abandoning the kid in his time of need.

"Who the fuck are you?

Xion: (as Roxas) This is not my beautiful home and you are not my beautiful wife!
Roxas: (as Axel) Roxas, you never owned a house and you're not married yet.
Xion: (as Roxas) Lies!

Why am I here?"

Lexaeus: Honestly, I have no idea. I think the only thing you’ve done to affect the Organization is rescuing Xion, and even that’s insignificant.

Oh my God, Axel thought in a panic. He's really fucking out of it. Holy shit, I don't believe this. He doesn't even recognize me…

"You don't remember anything?" Axel asked, awestruck. "Nothing?"

Axel: (as self) Can't you remember anything?
Roxas: (as self) I remember the Alamo.

Ryan bared his teeth and said, "I dunno, fucker. Enlighten me."

Larxene: Y’know, only a few chapters ago we would have jumped at the chance to talk about what scum Ryan is, but now Zexion has taken up his mantle of ‘Worst Human Alive’. I can’t even remember anything Roxas has done. Ryan Hall, who’s he? Not Zeke Fender, that’s who he is!

"Okay…okay…how about the Labs? Oblivion Labs?" No response. "Our boss? The Head Honcho? Xigbar? Zexion? Holy shit, do you remember Lily for Chrissake?"

Terra: I think this is the first time in this “realistic take on Kingdom Hearts” where I can actually see the transferring of events to a different setting. Roxas has no memories of his previous life, that’s interesting. Now why’d it take so long to get here?

"Lily?" repeated Roxas, shocked. "You know my girlfriend?"

Roxas: The audience certainly doesn't. I think they've shared all of fifteen lines together and that's it. We don't know how they met, how long they've known each other, or even what they do on dates, or if they've ever gone on a date! For a week long romance, the fic really tries to make them seem darn epic.
Larxene: I've had a longer relationship with jawbreaker candies than these kids dating each other.

"Yeah, yeah," said Axel.


"I can't fucking believe this…

Zexion: So from what I’m gathering, his amnesia is affecting everything and only everything he knew after joining the Organization. Funny thing about amnesia, it’s not known for being selective.
Xion: And always retrograde amnesia too! Why not have it be a case of anterograde amnesia? That would be a neat little twist, even if I’m honestly just thinking of Memento right now.

"Okay, man, you've gotta listen carefully, okay? You were initiated into basically a group of mad scientists trying to, literally, take over the world.

Axel: (as self) Trying to, but... Xbox. Much more important. Obvs.

At first you kinda just got into what we were all about, and our second-in-command gave you a couple of weapons called Keyblades because our real boss trusted you a lot or something.

Roxas: It made no sense. Saix said if you were good, their leader might tell you their greatest secrets, you then failed your first mission in just about every way, Saix told you everything you needed to know and gave you two fake sticks and Xehanort had nothing to do with any of it.

Got it memorized?

Axel: *slow claps again*
Larxene: Look guys, a catch phrase! This fic really understands the charm of the series!

So then some shit went down with you and this guy Adam from your school…"

"Adam?" inquired Ryan. "Adam McLean?"

Roxas: (as self) We’re still trying to make that guy seem like a legitimate threat?

"Yeah. You and the Head Honcho killed him because he was boinkin' your girl or some-shit,

Xion: It's nice to see they're treating the rape plot with as much dignity and grace as they always have.

and then Lily got to join but wasn't officially a 'Member' of this little group of ours.

Terra: Which still doesn’t make sense, because Xion was a part of Organization XIII. She wasn’t respected at all, but she was at least considered the a full-fledged fourteenth member and worked for them.

Then he assigned us to do a bunch of shit, and you and I started a shitload of trouble in New York. Once you ran into that Sora-guy who had a Keyblade of his own.

Marluxia: And you’d think the meeting of two major storylines would have felt amazing and inspired, but instead it just happened for the hell of it.

Then you kinda just hung around,

Lexaeus: That would be funny if it weren’t unfortunately, painfully, woefully true.

and one of the Members, Marluxia, caught you snooping through his shit because he knew you knew he was a traitor, and now I'm trying to kill him because he threatened to murder you."

Zexion: A way-too-long subplot summed up within a single paragraph. Why couldn’t it have been this succinct from the beginning?

Roxas was now staring at Axel as if he had three heads.

Roxas: (as self) That sounds like the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.
Axel: (as self) No no no, you don't understand! It's so realistic!

Axel sighed helplessly, "Look, man, I know it sounds crazy, but you gotta believe me-"

"How can I possibly believe any of this shit?"

Larxene: I like this version of Roxas. It's like Ryan 2.0, new and improved.

"-you're Member XIII, and you're my best friend." Tears sprung to Axel's eyes, and his nose began to burn. "Shit, man, please remember…"

Axel: I hope he does forget you. I’m glad he forgot about you, because you’re a terrible friend. You're both terrible people and possibly worse together. You can't just tell me I'm supposed to care and then stop there.
Xion: What do you have with Roxas you couldn't get with someone new who came along? Or me! I can make inappropriate jokes and be one of the guys, too! That's all you've done throughout your friendship.

"I…I don't," said Ryan, looking a bit frustrated.

"You have to believe me at least!" wailed Axel. "Please! It's all true. You're a part of the Organization,

Zexion: “A part” is used correctly once more. I'll throw a party for it later.

and we used to bust everyone's balls a lot and just chill out in the Labs.

Axel: (as self) I'll keep emphasizing all the nothing we did because that's what you're most likely to remember.

At first I didn't know if I liked you or not,

Terra: (as Axel) And then we made a weird joke about having sex with my dead mother and suddenly we were BFFs.

but that was because you got into your job, you were like…"

Roxas: (as Axel) For one whole day you were into your job! YOU ABANDONED ME!


Like this, Axel wanted to say. Angry, frustrated, and depressed.

Axel: Self-absorbed.
Marluxia: Entitled.
Zexion: Uncaring towards everyone around you.
Roxas: And overall annoying to read about.

Got that shit memorized, motherfucker?

Lexaeus: You can say it as many times as you want, it won't make the story any better.

"Nevermind. Just, c'mon…"

"Look," said Roxas, taking another step forward. Axel did not move. "I don't know who the hell you are or what the hell you're talking about, but I'm going home. I have enough shit to deal with as it is, okay?"

Xion: (as Roxas) The only thing that would make this day worse is finding out my parents randomly died!

"Wait." Axel was now shaking with fear of losing his friend for good.

Roxas: Aww, he has a buddy. Almost makes you forget he's a psychotic killing pyromaniac.
Marluxia: A criticism for both this fic, and the Kingdom Hearts fanbase at large.

"Just give me a half hour. The Labs aren't far from here. I'll go and get you your Keyblades, and maybe some shit will come back to you." Ryan raised his eyebrows. "Just a half hour. Please."

"Why can't I go with you?"

Larxene: (as Axel) Because then we'll have to explain how we hide the Lab and that's too much work. Just sit on your ass some more, alright? I've already told you you're an expert on it.

"Marluxia might be waiting there for you. I might've convinced him to lay off, but for all I know, he's sharpening his scythe to rip you apart. Man, please, a half hour."

"…okay. Hurry the fuck up, alright? It's getting late, and I have school…I think."

Xion: (as sweetly mother) Honey, don't go out killing the nameless pedestrians. It's a school night.
Axel: (as Roxas) I’m not going to focus on how you just said a man was planning to shred me to pieces. I have more contests to get second place in!
Mog: *from notes* Axel runs to the Labs, finds Vexen who tells him that the Virus is finally about to happen.

"Oh fuck!" Axel said out loud. He fished his pockets for something,

Roxas: (as Axel) I have a piece of lint in here that is vital to our plans!

then pulled out the parts he had found in the mysterious computer store across from the hotel. "I need you to examine these."

Marluxia: He threw them into Vexen's face, causing several bruises.

"What the…Axel, this is no time for…"

Terra: (as Vexen) to fix your iPhone again. If it falls on the floor then it's your fault.

"I think it's important. But not the most important thing to me right now. Right now, I need to have Roxas' Keyblades. Do you know where they are?"

Zexion: (as Vexen) I’d think with him.
Terra: (as Axel) You’d think, but apparently no.


"I can't tell you," Axel pleaded. "I just can't, man."

Xion: (as hippe!Axel) I'm freakin' out man!

"Is Roxas in danger?"


"If so, I'll tell you, but first I want to give you something."

Roxas: (as Vexen) Santa sent this piece of coal for you.
Mog: *from notes* Vexen continues giving characters their iconic weapons.

Although the anticipation of a new gift intrigued Axel, he was more impressed by the way Vexen acted around him;

Roxas: So much so, he forgot about that whole “my best friend in peril” thing he came here to solve.

the guy was as geeky as Zexion and could be as cold-hearted and intelligent, but was also…cool.

Xion: Cool as ice, you might say.

Cool in ways Zexion would never be.

Zexion: Probably because Vexen doesn’t continuously whine about a girl in high school.

"What do they do?" asked Axel.

Vexen smiled, held the chakrams correctly, and his thumbs slowly moved up on small pads that were on each of the weapons. Quickly the metal went red with heat, and then suddenly Vexen was holding two rings out flames.

Terra: Anyone willing to take the Johnny Cash reference?
Xion: Too easy, even for us.

"Holy…shit…" breathed Axel.

Terra: (as Axel) That seems implausible and yet I’m not going to question how you did that!

Vexen smiled. "That was the reaction I was looking for. Here, take 'em.

Larxene: (as Vexen) Here, catch!

Oh, and Roxas' Keyblades are in his room, I think."

Zexion: He could have easily looked there first, but we needed to hurriedly cram in more canon elements before that. Those thirty minutes are continuing to tick away into oblivion.

"Thanks, Vexen. You're the fucking man."

Xion: (as hippie!Axel) I love you man! Keep it real! Make love, not war!

"I know."

Axel ran with the chakrams in one hand. He rushed to Roxas' room, and slammed the door open in his urgency.

Lexaeus: Abandoning all continuity of automatic doors.
Roxas: Goodbye, silly idea. We'll miss mocking you.

There, the white-and-black Oathkeeper and Oblivion sat on his friend's bed.

Roxas: (as Oathkeeper) Save us! He abandoned us!
Xion: (as Oblivion) He said he'd never leave us, but all he's given us is neglect and painful loneliness!
Roxas: (as Oathkeeper and Oblivion) Please make us be significant again! We’re Keyblades in a Kingdom Hearts fic and we’ve barely done anything!

With his free hand, Axel grabbed the two blades by their hilts, and rushed back out of the Labs with handfuls of weapons. He ran through the streets again (catching some very wary eyes)

Axel: I like how the fic officially does not give a shit anymore. America's capital city was just targeted by bomb-happy terrorists, and in one week New York has had more outlandish crimes committed than the entire history of the real-life city. The entire place should be on such a high alert that holding a letter opener will get the police on your back, but go ahead and carry dangerous weapons openly in the streets, all you'll get is some weird looks. Oh those wacky New Yorkers!

and back up into the hotel, through the hallways, into the hotel room, only to find Roxas not there.

Roxas: I finally left the story. Whoo-hoo!

"Mother. Fucker," he snarled and went downstairs to the clerk.

Terra: (as Axel) I can't believe he didn't trust the rambling stranger who told him to vulnerably wait in a seedy hotel until I came back with deadly sticks. He's so inconsiderate of my feelings!

"Was there a blonde kid that walked downstairs earlier?" he asked.

The clerk, a middle-aged woman, said lazily, "Yeah, just a second ago. He was heading towards the city."

Roxas: In a moment of fairness, leaving as soon as the crazy man is gone was the smartest decision Ryan's made thus far.
Larxene: (as Roxas) I can’t believe he didn’t notice when he passed me on the stairs. I’m home-free!


Axel sprinted again, and hailed a taxi.

Terra: Uh... why not just walk? I don’t think Roxas has any money, and if he only left a short while ago, you should run into him soon.
Axel: But we can pretend it's more exciting if he races off to the next plot point in a cab.

Together, they went across the Queensboro Bridge and into Manhattan. On the way, Axel wondered vaguely if he was losing his mind with all this fucking stress, and came to the conclusion that that moment had passed a long, long time ago.

Larxene: Oh deary me, have things gone SCREWY yet?!

They drove onto Park Avenue, where Axel spotted his blonde-haired buddy walking into Central Park. The sun was setting. If that Rox-asshole got into any sort of fucking trouble, he wouldn't know how to handle himself.

Roxas: I said the “Rox-asshole” joke was the high point, but did any of you believe me? Nooo. Let’s finish this thing. It clearly couldn't go downhill from there, you thought.

Axel hopped out of the cab and ran towards his friend.

"Roxas!" he screamed. "Roxas! Gah…

Marluxia: That was the sound of the taxi driver tackling Axel for not paying.


Roxas turned around as the lights of the Park flickered and turned on. This man was not the Roxas Axel remembered;

Axel: I'll give the fic one thing, this definitely isn't the Roxas I remember.

this was Ryan Hall, and Lord was he an angry fellow.

Zexion: And has been since his first appearance, resulting in no character development whatsoever.

"Look!" Axel said, and threw the Keyblades at his friend's feet. "There they are. Your weapons."

Xion: (as Axel) Remember? You said you'd never go anywhere without them yet haven't held them since.

Roxas picked them up. Frowning, as he weighed them in his hands, he spoke, "This does feel kinda familiar."

Lexaeus: If Axel needed a creditable item to prove everything he told to Roxas was true, that frame in his room would have been a better choice. It has his full name, chosen nickname, member title, and even references the essay that was Roxas’ inciting incident for joining the group.
Axel: Why do you bother remembering this junk that the story couldn’t care enough about to remember?
Lexaeus: …I don’t know. I think it’s a coping mechanism to save me from having breakdowns over this terrible story like the rest of you.

"Oh, thank God," said Axel. "So you'll come back to the Labs with me, right?"

Roxas: No, I’m going back to a story where I get to be nice to my friends, and only get angry when pushed to my limits instead of all the time.

Ryan growled, "Look, jackass, I've had just about enough of you fucking around with me, okay? It's time for you to back off."

Something, then, broke inside Axel,

Marluxia: Just because you pause in your head while writing does not call for a comma.

just snapped right there on the spot. Although generally a sarcastic, happy-go-lucky motherfucker, this Ryan Hall had pissed him off royally.

Zexion: There was no need for a recap of his basic personality in that sentence.
Terra: Unless the writers believe reinstating their characters' single traits over and over again will magically make them interesting. They're doing a memory loss twist in full sincerity, I honestly believe they're proud of how lifeless their story is.

"Listen you punk-ass motherfucker," he said menacingly, so menacingly that even Roxas looked slightly taken-aback. "You're coming with me…" He flicked his new chakrams around his fingers and pressed the pads upwards; the disks burst into flame. "…conscious or not."

Axel: Smashing your skull in is a surefire method to give you back your memories.

"You fucking try it," Roxas retaliated. "You picked the wrong night to mess with me. Got that memorized?"

Xion: (as Roxas) I’ve been in a car crash, was stolen from the Intensive Care Unit and have forgotten any fighting experience I may have had. I CAN TAKE YOU ON!

Axel laughed and stepped forward, spinning the chakrams with ease. "You're taking over my friend, Ryan Hall, and I'm not diggin' it. This is my show, now. And in my show, Roxas stars alongside with me."

Roxas: (as Axel) I already had the posters done up, and I'm not wasting time whiteing-out your name!

He swung the chakram in a blaze of ember. Metal collided with metal as Roxas blocked the attack with his Keyblade. Axel felt the sole of his former friend's foot dig into his stomach, and he was thrown backwards a couple of feet by the force of Roxas' kick.

Larxene: (as Roxas) The vehicular manslaughter only made me STRONGER!

"Ah," laughed Axel, spitting blood. "You're actually putting up a fight. I'm SO FLATTERED!"

Axel: Sure, take lines out of their original context. Why not.
Lexaeus: In-game: I’m so flattered you finally remembered me. In-story: I’m so flattered you’ve completely forgotten my existence. Again, opposite ends of the spectrum.

He increased the heat of the chakrams and ran at Roxas again.

Larxene: (as Axel) I’ll give him third-degree burns along with his other untreated injuries! That’ll prove we’re besties!

This time, he put all of his might into his swings, not letting his adversary get a chance to attack again. Roxas was barely hanging onto his Keyblades, looking very frightened all of a sudden.

Axel gave a hard swing and they both watched as the black Keyblade flew from Roxas' hands. Axel watched as it landed into the ground blade-first

Marluxia: Again! The Keyblades are batons in this universe! There is no blade side on a baton!

before he was flying backwards again, searing pain shredding across his torso. He looked down after stumbling to see a tear in his shirt revealing a small gash.

Zexion: Which is quite amazing, considering we know these things are capable of burning walls and slicing people in half.
Roxas: How sad would your life be to find out Sora O'Reily is better than you at something?

As minor as it looked, it certainly hurt like hell. Axel looked up to see Roxas, holding his other—blood-stained—Keyblade, grinning like a jack-o-lantern.

Mog: I couldn’t resist. *from notes* They fight some more.

Time to end this!

Axel took a single step back, withdrawing from their dual, and threw his chakram up into the air as high as he could.

Xion: It flew up into space before landing three feet behind him.

Roxas looked up on after it, and Axel took the split-second of distraction to punch his friend with all his might right into the face.

Roxas crumpled to the ground with a meaty thud, out-cold yet again.

Lexaeus: Which I’m sure did wonders for that head injury of his.
Axel: I only did it because I love him.

Axel caught the chakram, picked up his other, and tuned them down.

Roxas: They had too much bass before.

He was panting heavily; the kid had worn him the fuck out.

"Jesus, man," he sighed to Roxas. "You put up a hell of a fight."

A jogger with a backpack came running towards them, and Axel responded immediately by throwing one of his new weapons right into the man.

Terra: (as jogger) *humming with earphones* Party rockers in the house tonight... Huh, wonder what's going on over therAHH!

From this poor innocent, Axel collected his weapon and the man's backpack, storing the Keyblades and chakrams in each.

Axel: (as jogger) Give me my satchel back, my spare pancreas is stored in there for days like this!

He picked up Roxas again and said, "My dude,

Larxene: (as hippie!Axel) You are really harshing my buzz.

you were a real prick before the Organization.

Roxas: Tell us something we don't know.

We're going back to the Labs. I'll have to lock your fucking room door in case Marluxia gets any ideas,

Zexion: (as Axel) I hope he doesn't realize you can easily kick the doors down.

but being confined in there is much better than you walking around out here."

Marluxia: I’m sure he’ll remember all this helpful advice in his unconscious state.

7:17 PM

"I can't believe it," Sora groaned as he laid on the bed he had been given at the Grill, a bar and motel that he and Don were staying at in Matamoras, the Pennsylvanian town right on the Delaware River.

Xion: Say that sentence five times fast.

"Driving around all day, and nothing. We must've been to a hundred public places in Pennsylvania alone."

Axel: Aww fic, why didn't you force us to sit through all of that? You're skimping on us!

Matamoras was a part of the tri-state area. It bordered Port Jervis of New York, and Montague of New Jersey. Matamoras was an interesting town built at the foot of a large cliff. Although home to many big-branch companies like Wendy's, Walmart, Kmart, Perkin's, McDonald's, and Stewart's, it was also home to smaller, family-friendly businesses, and there were enough people either living or passing through town to share.

Marluxia: Special thanks to Google, which the fic obviously just found out existed.

It was a lovely little town in Sora's opinion,

Roxas: Which of course means we won’t be staying here, lest we infect it with our grim gritty grittiness.

and was by far much nicer than the ominous Port Jervis that was merely across the Delaware.

Xion: Which means that's where we're going instead for this chapter.

"Relax," said Don from the bathroom as he brushed his teeth. "Tomorrow's another day. We'll start with Milford first thing in the morning."

Larxene: *sarcasm* Oh, what a tough life you crimestoppers lead.
Terra: (as Don) It's almost 7:30, may as well turn in for the night.

"No," said Sora instantly. "That's too far from the river."

"Would you prefer to look around Port Jervis?"

"Although it pains me to say it…probably. That seems like the place an Organization Member would hide."

Roxas: Tooold yoouuu soooo.
Zexion: So why did we sit through the giant tourist spiel of Matamoras if it’s not even important?

"Fair enough. At least we got to look around places. That's my favorite part about this job. Especially in the summer. Summer evenings spent outdoors are the best."

"Better get your shits and giggles in now, summer's gonna end soon."

"It's mid-August. I'm not worried about Halloween yet."

Marluxia: Who said you were?

"Funny how all the stores are."

Zexion: Late summer is 'back to school' sales time. If you're going to bash on consumerism, do it correctly.
Xion: Although I will give the fic one point; as much as it loves to complain about the world, I doubt it would sink so low to mock free public education.

"Yep. And the day after Halloween…up comes Christmas decorations. Not Thanksgiving, though, because that's not really a holiday as much as it is a meal. Then after Christmas…BAM, Valentine's Day. After that…BAM, Easter. Then after that is Fourth of July. Then…repeat the cycle. Fucking marketing, am I right?"

Sora laughed heartily and said, "Your new stand-up routine?"

Larxene: Don will be known as That Unfunny Platitude Guy.

"Don't tell Mick, corny stand-up has always been my secret passion."

Terra: *terrible Seinfield impression* What's the deal with corporations wanting to make money off of their products?


"No, but seriously. I just observe things is all."

Marluxia: (as Don) I observe things everyone else has observed. I'm bland and predictable that way.

"I'm observing the fact that you're brushing your teeth when we haven't even gotten any dinner yet."

"Cleanliness is fun for me."

Axel: Nice to see it's not just the Organization that has meandering small talk we're forced to sit through.

"Eating is fun for me, especially after a hard day's work of accomplishing nothing."

Zexion: Trust us, it's been more than a day's worth.

Don left the bathroom and grabbed his car keys off the dresser. "Let's go, then, bedhead."

They got into the car as the sun was setting, and Don asked, "Where d'you wanna eat?"

Roxas (as Sora) How ‘bout McDonalds?
Axel: (as Don) Outta the car!
Roxas: (as Sora) What, why?
Axel: (as Don) Did you not just hear me bitch about consumerism? Out of the car! Out OUT! *driving away* Mainstream punk, I can’t believe I let him sit on my seats. I’ll have to wash the smell of “The Man” out of here.

"Perkin's works. It's been a while since I've had an actual hot meal."

"Me too; I'm guessing you forgot I was on our little espionage with Demyx."

Terra: Hey, lookitthat, the small talk finally stopped so we can get back to something sort of plot relevant.
Mog: *from notes* They go and order their food then meet up with the Weasleys! Their youngest boy was part of that scene with Lexaeus I skipped earlier, but now the whole family’s here to so-totally-not-being-blackmailed-into-this help our heroes. The dad, Simon, also so-totally-not-lying explains he’s working with Mickey.

"See the little one at my table? He's my youngest at nine years-old. Name's Ron. He was hiking along the river one day and found a shady-lookin' redheaded guy. The dude was pretty suspicious, and dropped this." From his pocket, Simon pulled a small metal disk that looked incredibly riddled with computer equipment.

Zexion: We know this because it's metal.

"Some sorta tracking device. Smells like Heartless-mischief to me, so I called the Senator up.

"But that part's not even close as interesting as this next part…at least to you guys. The thing is…we saw the same guy just a few minutes ago before coming here. We spent all day searching for you two, but we ended up finding him."

Roxas: Thank you, Sudden Exposition Guy. I look forward to your eventual departure or sudden death.

"Where was he?" asked Sora excitedly. Under the table, Don was loading rounds into his gun.

Marluxia: Deciding to, once and for all, end the naive idiocy that called itself Sora.
Larxene: (as Don) I'm going solo, kid. It's so much less frustrating.

"We'll…we'll show you. Sorry to interrupt your meal, but if this really is the guy you're after, we can lead you to where he is. It'll be difficult for you out-of-towners to find."

Axel: (as Simon) This being a trap and all, I don't want you to get lost.

"Okay," said Sora, hopping out of his chair. "Let's go."

Xion: (as Sora) I like you guys! Do you also know Lea? I liked him too. Where are we going? Some backwoods road where no one will hear us if we call for help? SOUNDS GREAT!

Simon motioned at his family to come on over, and they did so. Ron introduced himself first, rather politely. Next were the two older boys, each sixteen, named Sky and Theo.

Zexion: Sky felt the subtlety of his name punch him in the gut every time it was uttered aloud.
Axel: Why don't you name the other kid Destiny while you're at it?

The old woman was Simon's mother, Natasha. They drove here in a rather large, white van due to their family size.

Larxene: A librarian in D.C. sold it to them real cheap.

Each member of the family, Sora noted, was extremely polite.

Marluxia: They stood out from the asshole cast thus far. Only time will tell if this lasts.
Mog: *from notes* They drive to the location and get out of the car.

Sora hopped out next to Don. Simon came over, stood next to Sora, and took out a small pistol which he then pressed against Sora's head.

Axel: See what I mean? Trap. I didn’t even have to read ahead to know that. The fact they so suddenly appeared was clue enough.
Terra: Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal!

Sora hissed in surprise, and Don immediately turned his gun to the redheaded father.

"Drop the weapon," demanded Simon. "Or he dies."

Larxene: Keep holding the weapon, Don!

"Fuck," swore Sora. "Just shoot him, Don."

Xion: Quite obviously this is something game-Sora would never do, but even for fic-Sora this is strangely heartless and selfish of him.

"If he does," spoke up Theo, coming out of the van with a hunting rifle. Sky was doing the same. "He'll have me'n Sky to deal with. Plus Grams." Now Natasha was coming out of the van with a pistol of her own. She pointed it at Don.

Axel: (in old lady voice) Go ahead, punk. Make my day.

Don looked around, trying to come up with a possible getaway, but he found that there was none. They were trapped. He put the gun down on the ground and slid it towards Theo, who picked it up.

Roxas: Although he had to walk most of the way because dirt isn't very good for skidding guns across.

"Check the kid, Dad," said Sky.

Simon did so, and pulled out Sora's pistol and Keyblade. The former he threw to his mother, the latter he stared at, confused.

"Walking stick," lied Sora.

Xion: (as Sora) That I had in my pocket. Not being used. Please believe me.
Marluxia: More proof that glorified sticks can’t have a blade side.

"My dad gave it to me before he died. Please, I beg of you, don't take it from me."

Simon sighed and shoved the Keyblade back into Sora's pocket before saying, "You're lucky I'm a good guy.

Axel: (as Simon) You’re lucky I’m gullible.
Roxas: (as Simon) I've always had a soft spot for sentimental value walking sticks.

Hell, we're all good guys. But if we don't do this, he'll kill us."

"Who?" asked Don. "Lexaeus?"

"Damn straight," said Sky. "And he's a shit-ton more scary than you two.

Marluxia: A Scottish terrier in a plaid sweater is scarier than these two.

C'mon, guys, let's take a walk."

Zexion: We'll enjoy the countryside before continuing the hostage taking.

At gunpoint, Sora and Don were escorted off the pavement and into the mosquito-filled woods.

Roxas: (as both) We’re being held at gunpoint and will most likely die, but please, anything but mosquitoes.
Mog: *from notes* They go down to the river but not to pray nor study about that good old way.

"He's not a Heartless," said Don in an almost pleading voice. "He's something else. If he's promised you glory, Sky, he has none to give. He will kill you all whether or not you kill us."

"Shut up!" screamed Sky. "Shut up, shut up!"

Axel: (as Sky) Shut up, Lex loves me! You just don't approve of us!

Theo informed Sora in a low whisper as his brother and Don argued,

Marluxia: A Shut Up War commenced behind them.

"Sky's been a fucking crook for years. Lexaeus took a liking to him, saying he was gonna give him an empire in Middletown, which ain't too far from here.

Zexion: (as Sora) Thank you, Sudden Exposition Guy Junior.

Is he really not a Heartless?"

"He isn't," assured Sora.

Terra: It seems right now that no one is a Heartless. For such a major part of the game series, they have yet to make a mark on this fic.

"Then, maybe, we can get out of this," whispered Theo. "All we'd have to do is get rid of Sky somehow, someway. Here's your pistol back." He put it in Sora's pocket. "I trust you, man."

Xion: (as Theo) I’m also incredibly easy to sway. Gullibility runs in the family.

"Thanks. You promise to try and keep my friend and me alive?"

"Yeah, man. I promise."

"You shouldn't have done that," spoke a low, gravelly voice.

Roxas: Seeseesee! Now the Jadusable thing is justified cuzcuzcuz we used the exact same words but without the same weight or creepy undertone or build-up! It's totally worth the random quotes!

Theo was hit by something, something hard, and went flying into the weeds of the woods. Natasha and Ron screamed, Sky yelled "FUCK!", Simon cried "No!" and Sora and Don

Lexaeus: —muttered “What?”

looked in horror as Theo lay in the grass, dead, a wound in his chest.

Xion: Wow. Other stories wait at least a minute before killing friends of the main characters, but this one just cut right to the chase.
Larxene: You bastards! He was only one second away from retirement!

Hovering above him, clad in shadowy robes, hatchet covered with blood in hand, stood Lexaeus.

Terra: On a hoverboard, apparently.

He was big, a foot taller than Don himself,

Zexion: A whole four feet.

and rather strong. He was not smiling whatsoever

Axel: Sora is now scared shitless.

"You sonofabitch!" screamed Simon. He ran over to his son's body and cradled it, sobbing. "You fucker! How the fuck could you?"

Zexion: (as Simon) It’s almost as if you threatened this in the first place how could you!

Lexaeus said rather coldly, "He gave me no choice."

Lexaeus: My character is attempting to progress the story. That means he's about to die.

He looked at Sora and Donald and said, "You think I didn't know you two peckerwoods were trying to find me all day?

Roxas: What did you just say?
Lexaeus: I more or less called them rednecks. I'm not very mature.
Zexion: It would be like me calling someone a chav.
Roxas: Then what’s a chav?
Zexion: A Britishism this fic couldn’t be arsed to look up.

I know who you are, Sora. We all do, now. Why is it that you keep meddling with our business?"

"You killed my parents, you fuck," said Sora, his teeth chattering with a mixture of fear and fury. "And even if you kill me now, at least I got one of you. Luxord's worm-food in Nevada."

Terra: (as Sora) And I’m still flip-flopping over whether I cared about any of those deaths or not.

For a moment, Lexaeus looked genuinely shocked, but then his cool demeanor resurfaced. "Is that right? That's why we haven't been hearing from that drunken 'tard? Ha!"

Lexaeus: No, not mature at all.

He paced. "You seem to know a lot about us. How much?"

"Demyx spilled the beans to us. We know about the Virus. We know about Ryan Hall, Marla Shift, and Xehanort, too."

Roxas: (as Sora) Granted, I already knew all that from those visions I never talk about. I randomly decided Demyx was more relevant.

"Ah, Jesus," said Lexaeus. His face was one of a man who has had too many pounds of stress put on him, and was about to snap in two under the crushing weight.

Terra: I know this news might break your feeble mind in twain, fic, but no one really cares that the murderous psychopaths are dealing with 'stress'.

"Demyx? He's a traitor, eh?"

Lexaeus: And now I'm Canadian. Good for me.

"Not exactly. His hood fell off when you fuckers took my parents. I recognized him. Guess you shouldn't have hired a professional musician to be a spy. Dumb move on your part."

Axel: That is one hell of an insult coming from this kid's mouth.
Marluxia: And yet it does make sense he would point out the blatantly obvious.

"So…what the Christly fuck happened?"

Zexion: The authors like this phrase. Can you tell yet?
Axel: Hoo boy, do I love reading the same phrase over and over again! I can’t wait for the next ‘cool beans’ or ‘my dude’ to appear and completely ruin all seriousness the story was going for! Author appeal FOR THE WIN!

Lexaeus looked disturbed. "You captured Demyx, I assume?"

"Yep. And beat the living shit out of him to tell us where Luxord was. We went to Vegas, and had a little struggle with him. The guy was so drunk that he toppled out of his window and fell a couple stories. We didn't stay for the funeral."

Roxas: Is this entire chapter just going to be characters summing up the story to other people?
Xion: It's like we've walked into a recap episode.
Zexion: A few lines ago, Sora took credit for Luxord's demise but now admits the man simply stumbled out a window. *into the book it goes*

Lexaeus sighed. He looked incredibly stressed.

Terra: EMPHATICALLY do NOT care, fic!

"You do know," he said. "What comes next, correct?"

"Of course," said Sora. He was shaking all over. "You kill us."

Zexion: So couldn’t you have fought back instead of relaying the last few chapters to him? What was even the point of all that?

"I truly regret it," said Lexaeus sorrowfully.

Lexaeus: I'm immature, Canadian, disturbed, stressed, sorrowful. My characterization is sprinting a lot at the end of my subplot.

"But you know too much. I can't let you live. Demyx later, but first you two."

"So do it," said Sora. He raised his chin, ready to die with honor. "Take that fucking axe of yours and do it."

"Wha…? Ha! I cannot kill you…I could not bare to!

Roxas: (as Lexaeus) You have names and have been around for more than one scene! I am physically incapable of harming you even though letting you live offers me nothing.

You truly think I am as sadistic as my colleagues?"

Marluxia: The story's done nothing new so far, why expect anything different now?

"Yes." No hesitation. "You just killed that boy."

Axel: Even Sora’s beginning to see the flaws in this story’s logic.

"Ah, yes, but only because I had to. Self-defense, my friend. Self-defense. Sky, please rid me of these two."

Roxas: (as Lexaeus) I won’t murder people, but I’ll order other people to. Loophole!

Sora turned, anticipating the feeling of a bullet ripping right through him and spilling his innards all over the place. But Sky, the supposed crook, was looking at the body of his brother, his mouth open in a gape, his eyes full of tears.

Lexaeus: These two are clearly twins but the story never says the obvious.
Zexion: Then again, we are technically in Sora's point of view. I could believe he wouldn't know the word 'twin'. Or the word 'soup'.

Natasha and Ron clutched onto each other, crying hysterically.

Axel: I see what you’re about to do, fic. Don’t do it.

"Do it," said Lexaeus, a bit more forcefully. "You know there was no other way, Sky! Kill these two, now! All the glory in the world at your fingertips!"

Xion: Don’t even try. It's a wasted effort.

Sky looked up at him, and said in a low voice, "I…I don't want to. Fuck your glory, and f-fuck yuh-you." He lowered his head again, and his young face hid beneath his curtains of hair.

Roxas: You can’t add sympathy to someone who only just showed up, story. You just can’t. Instead of trying to develop minor characters, why don’t you focus on the dozens upon dozens of main characters you have instead?

Lexaeus growled through clenched teeth, "You fucking do it, or I'll get the pink-haired guy back here. And he'll kill your entire family. Slowly and painfully, one by one.

Marluxia: Shock the Heartless, Cinderelly. Stab the punk kids, Cinderelly.
Axel: By this point it’s funny how anyone finds that a legitimate threat. “Don’t piss me off… or else I’ll call in this other guy to deal with you. Probably take him a few hours to get here. Ooh you’ll be scared then!
Mog: *from notes* Sky turns face and says "You ain't bullying my family no more" before turning the gun on Lex, who books it like a coward.

Then, as Sora and Don approached the battlefield, they heard the sound of metal going into flesh, and Sky went down, his throat hacked open by the hatchet.

Zexion: He died as he lived: Completely pointless.

Behind them, Simon roared.

Terra: Now he's king of Pride Rock. Congrats, Simon.

"What the fuck are you doing?" yelled Sora. "Get back to your kid!"

Roxas: (as Sora) Your elderly mother isn’t important!
Xion: Because she’s a woman, why care about them?

But Simon was rushing forward to attempt to extract vengeance upon a man he could not beat.

He's gonna make little Ronnie an orphan, Sora thought.

Axel: Call someone that gives a damn.

He turned around and jammed the hilt of the Keyblade into Simon's face. Simon fell onto the gravelly shore in a spray of blood, knocked out cold.

Zexion: Good job, Sora, you've killed another person.
Xion: (as Sora) I gotta make sure he doesn’t get hurt. Better punch him square in the nose!

Sora turned back to see Don rushing towards Lexaeus, who was readying his hatchet for a third kill.

Axel: Brian Robeson is all grown up, and he’s pissed off!

"C'mon!" screamed Lexaeus. "Let's fucking do this, Donald!"

Larxene: (as Lexaeus) You damn duck!

The big man had made it to the small boat, and from it he pulled a handgun of his own. Unarmed, Don was forced to turn and make an abrupt getaway into the trees next to the shoreline. A bullet followed him but missed.

Xion: Lexaeus shot a Charmin' bear instead.
Roxas: At least there's absorbents tissue paper nearby to stop the bleeding.

"No!" yelled Sora, taking out the pistol Theo had given him, and fired thrice at Lexaeus. All of the shots missed, instead making impact into the water behind them. Lexaeus turned and, grinning insanely, pulled his own trigger. Sora felt the bullet whiz past him, rippling his hair.

Axel: Two people shoot at each other, both miss. Oh the tension. I can't take it anymore. Be still racing heart.

And then something extraordinary occurred.

Xion: The entire world turned to jelly!
Roxas: Sora's parents revived themselves and flew in to save the day!
Axel: A giant robot walrus came marching through the woods, spewing flames from its metal tusks, and our heroes had to team up with their enemies in order to defeat this new foe!
Terra: The story suddenly became good! Subplots tied into the main storyline and were resolved after intriguing rising action and payoff, clear and concise themes and morals were discovered, characters learned how to feel emotions deeper than fleeting happiness or bitter cynicism, and the basics of creative writing were finally fulfilled!
Lexaeus: And somehow the last one seems the most impossible.

Although when fighting Luxord Sora thought he was to die, here battling with Lexaeus he felt a humongous wave of confidence overflow him. He suddenly had a new way of thinking, a bit more optimistic.

Marluxia: He'd been injected with Godsueroids.

It was not I am going to die. Instead, it was, What can I do to live?

Zexion: Keep being considered the protagonist, it's worked wonders so far.

And then he knew. He wasn't sure how he did later, but right then it was almost instinctive. Sora raised the Keyblade, and from its tip came an intense stream of energy that he had never seen before. The thin beam went directly into the barrel of Lexaeus' gun, which then exploded into small fragments of metal. Lexaeus, his hand torn up and bleeding, howled.

Lexaeus: I've been defeated by the unconquerable Deus Ex Machina Beam.

It was enough time for the ultimate distraction.

Xion: (as Grunkle Stan) Look, the most distracting thing in the world!

Don came out of the woods in a hurry. Lexaeus turned and raised the hatchet, yet Don was quicker; after a tackle that would make the most professional of football players burn with envy,

Axel: After his comedy career inevitably fails, joining the NFL is Don’s follow-up dream job.

both men fell into the water.

Sora ran forward. He helped Don out of the water, and together they stared at Lexaeus.

Lexaeus: Obviously a two-person job.

He was face-first in the shallows, coughing and spluttering, blood surrounding him. Together, Don and Sora flipped their adversary, and Sora groaned at the sight.

Marluxia: Just like the very first chapter, Sora is surprised that blood seems to come from somewhere.

When he had been tackled, Lexaeus had fallen upon his hatchet. Right now, it stuck out from the part of his torso immediately under his chest. He was breathing heavily with the pain.

Larxene: Or maybe the fact his lungs are torn and filling with his own blood, that might have something to do with it too.

"Please," he whispered. "Please…get it out of me. Please, just get it out of me…Pull it out…"

"Tell me anything you know about the Virus," said Sora, although he knew the man's time was nigh.

Axel: As if Sora knows the definition of the word 'nigh'.

"It is…done…it is…completed," wheezed Lexaeus. "Please…get it out of me…please…"

Terra: (as Lexaeus) Forgive me, Zexion. This is a fight I should not have— what's that? Not pretty enough for last minute pathos and no one will care about me after I die? Oh, okay. Then GOODBYE CRUEL WORLD!

"You ruined that family back there. You killed two boys. That thing in your chest can follow you to Hell for all I fucking care."

Zexion: I look forward to you mourning his death next chapter, Sora.

Lexaeus gave one last fearful glance. Then, his eyes glossed over and his breathing stopped for good.

Xion: And then darkness suddenly exploded out of him, taking everyone else down with him.
Roxas: No, because that would have been awesome.

The sun had set.


Axel: And the sun had risen. That was the shortest night in the history of mankind.

6:00 AM

After thinking for an hour or so, Axel finally left his room to check up on his friend,

Terra: Uh, it’s been more than an hour since we last saw him, fic.
Roxas: Even with timestamps this continuity manages to still make no sense!

who hadn't made a peep since last night's struggle.

Xion: It’s almost like he’s incredibly injured or something.

Instinctively, Axel reached for his Organization robes to put them on, then decided against doing so.

Axel: Black soooo isn't my colour.

It would almost be mocking; he was planning on killing a Member who was greatly appreciated by the Head Honcho, and it was against one of the main rules of the Organization to kill another Member.

Lexaeus: I’d think murder in general would be against the rules, but this world is apparently the backwards version of our own.

Many times Axel had pondered about just telling a superior Member about Marluxia and his possible assassination attempts, but if that happened

Marluxia: Something interesting might occur.

Marluxia would be asked for his side of the story. And, if even if he wasn't telling the truth he could probably still tell a wicked lie.

Axel: It's a wise choice to screw the smart decision on a 'probably'. Let's just go kill Xion off because I don't wanna work hard.
Mog: *from notes* Axel plays nurse maid to Roxas and then Marluxia shows up.

"I can't wait anymore. I just can't. He offended me so badly, yes, oh yes, and now he has to pay…" Axel saw with horror that Marluxia had brought his scythe with him.

Roxas: I'm cheering for you.
Marluxia: I'm cheering for me, too.

"No!" cried Axel. "Not yet. We had a plan, remember?"

Marluxia snorted. "I impregnate one girl? That's it?"

Terra: (as Marluxia) That's not misogynistic enough! We need to make more women suffer for this tragedy porn!

"What if I throw in a murder?"

Marluxia: I don’t cut deals with people who sabotaged me.
Axel: According to this fic you like me.
Marluxia: Shut up.

Marluxia's eyes twinkled.

Roxas: Twinkle twinkle little eyes, it is you I so despise.

"Is that possible?" the killer asked.

"Yes!" said Axel, sighing with relief. "I can get someone else. A pretty girl, perhaps. Just be patient, my friend…"

Zexion: (as Axel) Be patient, we'll find some more misogyny in just a few hours.

Marluxia chewed it over, then

Marluxia: Spit it in Axel's face.

said, "Ugh. Fine. We'll continue with your plan if you promise to give me someone else to kill. Preferably while I impregnate the Ion-girl."

Xion: ...Did the writers forget they already spent this nickel?
Axel: (as authors) I thought up the best storyline for Xion! Someone wants to sexually assault her to get back at her boyfriend, uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, I KNOW someone wants to sexually assault her to get back at her boyfriend! Golly gosh, I'm the best writer there ever was!


"Do not ask," said Marluxia harshly.

Roxas: Good advice for anything this fic tries to do.
Mog: *from notes* Marly leaves and there's a short cutaway of Vexen picking up Zexion and the Dusks until we go right back to Axel.

8:30 AM

Axel came from the kitchen after making himself an omelet, and silently watched television in the Lobby, thinking over things. Lately, things had been going not-so-smoothly.

Axel: Really?! We hadn’t noticed several hundred times.

The rest of the Organization was excited, huge breakthroughs and all,

Everyone: HA!

but Axel's personal life had taken a turn for the worse. This ploy of his was so flimsy, and he knew it. It seemed ingenious at first, but now that the day was approaching in which he would have to act out upon it, he was beginning to have second thoughts.

Roxas: I think the fic just threw its hands up and said "Look, we know it is stupid but we already published it so deal."

And now he had promised Marluxia a person to kill.

Larxene: Which is a problem... why? Innocent civilians to be killed are lining up for this fic so it won't be hard.

"Jesus," he said aloud to himself, and chuckled madly. Where the fuck would he find another girl?

Zexion: Anywhere? Girls aren’t exactly an endangered species, as much as this story may make it seem.

The elevator rang as the two steel doors opened, and in came Member XIII, Roxas, wearing his Organization robes.

Roxas: I wanted to wear the clothes of mockery.

"Roxas!" cried Axel. "What're you doing out-?"

"Stop," said Roxas, holding his head in pain. "Where…where am I? This place is familiar." He looked at Axel. Axel looked at him. For a minute they stood their,

Xion: 'Sup, homophone.

looking at one another. Then, Roxas spoke again, "You…and I…we're…we're best friends…aren't we?"

Everyone: *palms meet faces so hard that people down the street can hear the slaps*
Axel: My stupid cartoon logic worked!

"Yes," said Axel thankfully. "Yeah. You remember?"


Axel: *face still embedded into palm* I hit him in the head and it fucking worked!

"What do you remember?"

"We're trying to destroy the world, aren't we?"


(Suddenly, Zexion's book of inconsistencies bursts into flames. It disappears in a wisp of smoke, leaving not a single ash behind.)
Zexion: ...I think it immolated itself to escape the horrors of this story.
Xion: Poor thing tried to understand the mindset that creates three chapters of build-up to the amnesia cliche only for it last all of one scene.
(A small memorial service is held for the book. You fought the good fight, little guy. You can finally rest now.)

"I have Keyblades…we're apart of a group called the System…"

"Organization," Axel corrected.

Roxas: Oh my gosh, we’re up there with the likes of Archie comics making problems that can easily be solved within a few pages. This is a new low.

"Yeah, that."

"Can you remember anyone's names?"

"Not really. Sorry. But I remember faces and…personalities…" He looked around nervously. "Tall scarred guy. Big black-haired guy. Eyepatch-guy. Crazy-girl. You. The two smart guys, one who was nice and the other who was really mean.

Terra: Wait, wait, wait. There was someone nice in this story? Where have they been hiding all this time?

The pink-haired dude." His eyes grew. "The pink-haired dude. Lily.

Larxene: Lily was the pink haired dude all along WHAT A TWEEST!

He wants to kill us doesn't he?"

"Yes! Yes!" Axel exclaimed. "Fucking yes! Marluxia is after you, and you and I came up with a plan to kill him off quickly before he destroys you guys."

"Where is she?" asked Roxas, hysterical. "Where is Lily?"

"It's…her name is Xion, now. And you're Roxas. Okay? Got that memorized?

Lexaeus: I think you’ve said that more than any of the games combined.
Axel: I’m trying to annoy the audience into liking me.

I'm Axel. The pink-haired dude is Marluxia."

"Yeah…I remember those names…"

"Fucking good."

"Axel…you say we made a plan to kill Marluxia?"

Roxas: (as Axel) What d’ya mean “we”? You were off getting hit by cars while I did all the work.

"Yeah. We're gonna lure him into a hotel with Xion (and now another person) inside. I'm gonna rig the place to blow. When he's inside, I'll call another Member and tell them Marluxia's gone traitor and is now trying to kill Xion. They go in, I tell them what room she's in, and it's a done deal."

Axel: More explaining, I demand more of it! Who needs a plot when you can repeat yourself over and over again, that’s what truly great stories are made of!

"Wait…how will they get her out without Marluxia trying to kill her?"

Terra: (as Roxas) Come to think of it, why have her be in the building at all? Couldn't we lie to Marluxia that she's in there and keep her safe with us?
Xion: (as Axel) That's just your extensive brain damage talking. My idea's better.

"I'm gonna tell him she's on the top floor when she'll be in a coatroom near the dining area on the first floor."

"I feel sick," said Roxas, sitting down on the black couch and holding his stomach. He was pale.

Zexion: The concussion is finally hitting him.

"A lot can go wrong," Axel nodded.

Larxene: (as Axel) So please agree to put your girlfriend's life in danger to save your own ass. It'll be fun. It’s SURE to make you a more likeable character.

"But if we don't do anything, Marluxia is gonna kill you both. And you can't leave. You can't go AWOL on the Organization."

Xion: We’ve spent plenty of time seeing how sinister they are.
Axel: Milky wilky.

"Awful lot of good joining this shitty thing got us," said Roxas darkly.

Marluxia: Oh no, is your perfect little new family not working out? Oh, how my heart bleeds for you. Poor baby Roxas and his misanthropic ways.

"I hear ya', man."

"So where's my girlfriend, Axel?"

Roxas: Escaped from this story, and living a life where she is able to be herself and not defined by the men around her.

"With our boss. Do you remember his name?"



Axel: Is one of those really better than the other?

"Xehanort. right. We all have X's in our names out of respect for him."

"Got it memorized?"

"Got it memorized."

"Cool," said Axel. "It'll all be okay, man. Ya hear?"

Terra: (as Axel) Murphy’s Law doesn’t exist in my plans, that’s why they’re bound to work!

"Yeah, dude. I hear." But he still looked miserable.

"I've gotta go out soon," said Axel. "But I have time to spare. We both do."

"What should we do?"

Axel lit up a cigarette and motioned to the Xbox in the room.

"Wanna play hockey?"

Zexion: And thus the scene ends, perfectly summing up how that little plot cul-de-sac of Roxas getting hit by a car resulted in absolutely nothing changing.
Mog: *from notes* So the Weasley family gives Sora and Don a happy send off, because wouldn’t you be happy if these two were technically responsible for the death of your sons?

Sora and Don hopped into the car and pulled out of the driveway. The three surviving family members waved and then went inside with one another.

"What a nice family," remarked Sora.

Xion: (as Sora) They betrayed our trust and tried to kill us. They’re so great.
Roxas: Sora’s kind of like Mog in the way I can never tell if he’s being sarcastic or sincere.


"You okay?"

"Just sad, is all. And pissed. Pissed at the Organization."

"Lexaeus is dead."


Lexaeus: My character's entire existence accurately described in one sound.
Larxene: One less person to bitch about. Yep.

"So what now?"

"Looks like we'll have to drive back to Manhattan and see."

Marluxia: It's encouraging when even the characters don't know where the story is going.

They left Matamoras that morning, but once they had arrived back in the city, they would be wishing they had stayed.

Zexion: To make a quick summation for our audience: Roxas had amnesia but that was fixed with absolutely no consequences. Sora and Don were threatened by a character who had done nothing plot relevant before they killed him with absolutely no consequences. Ladies and gentleman, you have been reading a filler episode.
Mog: *from notes* Later that morning, Axel continues the trend of informing us of the story so far.

Plus, I'm going to kill Marluxia, Axel remembered. He felt saddened by the way things were going, but decided to just move on and "keep on trucking", as they say.

Roxas: Instead of, you know, solving these NOT PROBLEMS the story is vainly continuing with.
Terra: We can keep on complaining about it until we’re blue in the face, making this whole ‘Marluxia is going to hunt down and kill Roxas over a misunderstanding’ will never ever be investing.

It didn't matter in the long run. In the long run, they'd be riding chariots.

Roxas: We invented a time machine to go back to the Roman empire?
Xion: *singing* Swing loooow, sweet chaaaaarioot.

But Axel somehow doubted that. All of this Organization-business, it seemed to good to be true, too crazy to be true. He had been a slacker all his life,

Axel: Like everyone else in this fic. I can’t think up anything funny for that, I’m just annoyed.

always questioning authority, and although he was undyingly loyal to what the Organization stood for he truly always believed that this entire adventure would end with a SWAT-team barging into Oblivion Labs and arresting or killing all thirteen of them.

Marluxia: Considering for all we know you live in a parkade, I have to question why no one has found you and done that.

Kingdom Hearts, the Keyblades, the Roswell Incident…it all seemed like a bad joke.

Zexion: A drawn-out, exploitative, misogynistic joke.

And perhaps it was a bad joke.

Terra: “Perhaps,” he says. “Bad,” he says.

The Big Guy could be just pulling their strings, all along, laughing and going to whatever fucked-up second life he seemed to have. He was, after all, almost never with them on missions, always looking over things from afar.

Lexaeus: Finally someone questions what Xehanort might have been doing between talking to Roxas at the Met and killing Adam.

Yet Axel didn't believe that, despite his nonchalance towards the goals of his friends and him. He trusted the Head Honcho, more than, perhaps, he trusted himself. Xehanort had been the only remote father-figure in Axel's entire life.

Axel: And there’s the backstory, coming full-speed towards us and about to make a head-on collision.

As Lea, he was mocked and scolded by his family for his obsession with fire, which had started when he was around four years-old after seeing a Fourth of July accident occur in which a truck went ablaze. Sparks and embers, incredibly heated, orange and red…so beautiful.

Zexion: Mocked, told to seek therapy— same thing, really.

As a younger child, he would light fireworks off a lot by himself, blowing up toy army soldiers right after buying them or getting them for Christmas. When he was ten, he began to make his own bombs and got into the pyro's national pastime: chain-smoking.

Terra: So he was a juvenile delinquent. Cool. Why should I care? I’m not even angry anymore, I’m genuinely wondering why this should make me like him as a character. It’s not even new information, it’s just “Hey, you know that jerk obsessed with fire? Yup, turns out he’s always been like that. Didn’t see THAT twist comin’, didya?”

As a teenager in high school he had been well-respected and feared after he was suspected on lighting the school's guidance office on fire, and for his cruel and sarcastic sense of humor.

Marluxia: Well-respected, considered a killer by most of the student body— same thing, really.

However, whenever invited to a party or some event due to his popularity, he would always find something to burn. Napkins, food, cars…

Axel: (as student) You just destroyed my car! You’re cool beans, dude.
Xion: Burning food is not threatening, it’s just bad cooking.

It was only as an adult that he realized he enjoyed lighting people on fire as well.

But, despite enjoying the heat of the flame, Axel was still a person.

Zexion: A two-dimensional person who we can’t wait to see finally leave the story for good.
Lexaeus: The basic fact he had a life before the story began won’t endear him to me.

And he was a person who had his friends in danger.

Lexaeus: Neither will basic friendship. That he doesn’t interact with often. So again we ask why any of that information was considered necessary to share.

That could not go on for much longer, he thought, or he truly would go insane. A life with no fun was…well, no fun. No fun at all.

Axel: All work and no play makes Lea a dull boy.
Marluxia: In more ways than one.
Mog: *from notes* He finds Kairi.

He went towards her, grinning broadly, plotting quickly. In his head he heard the narrator of The Grinch-cartoon utter, And right then, he had an awful, terrible idea… This made him laugh as well.

Zexion: The story that hates pop culture was a complete hypocrite with reference a popular Christmas cartoon. Hilarious!

"Kairi!" he called, running over.

She turned and he saw her smooth, pretty face.

Holy hell, he thought. She's a fuckin' 'beaut. Damn shame.

Axel: Damn shame she’s not allowed to be anything other than a doll to be admired but never do anything.
Lexaeus: Why does this story continuously remind us its female characters are aesthetically pleasing? We can’t see them. Am I supposed to find some hidden sex appeal in that Verdana typeface?

"Lea!" she said happily.

Xion: (as Kairi) I’ve only ever seen you after a massacre and when you ignored me, but you make me happy for some reason!

The agent looked at her questioningly, but she ignored him.

Roxas: She noticed his concern, but chose ‘to heck with Goofy, he isn’t important in the games or anything’.

"What are you doing here?"

"I'm here on Senator Mick's orders, of course."

The agent looked surprised, and a trifle bit doubtful.

Zexion: A trifle bit? What, is he 2% doubtful, 18% surprised, 10% hungry, and 70% bored out of his skull?

"You work for the Senator?"

"Damn straight."

"I don't believe you."

Xion: Thank you, Goofy, for showing some common sense and not immediately believing him like your comrades do.
Axel: How sad is it that Goofy is the smart one in this cast?
Mog: *from notes* The next bit of the conversation is just convenience all over the place so I’m gonna use the word for you guys. Axel leads the two into an alley.

But clever Axel put on his next act and fell, yelling, "Shit!" He quickly rolled into a darker part of the alley.

Kairi asked, "Are you okay?"

"Tripped on a shoelace!" called Axel.

Axel: (as self) And then suddenly caught on fire and had to stop, drop and roll!

He knelt down on one knee, making it look like he was tying his shoe, yet in all reality was opening up the suitcase. He took the chakrams out.

"Kairi," said the agent suddenly. "I don't think-"

Zexion: It’s almost as if a man with bright red hair gelled in spikes and who has tattoos on his face doesn’t work within a professional setting.

Axel cranked the chakrams up to the maximum heat-capacity, and they illuminated the dark alleyway like portals into Hell itself. Kairi and the agent looked on in amazement at the fire-rings,

Terra: (as Kairi) Ooh, are you one of those fire spinners? Just a sec, let me grab my camera so I can get some nifty long exposure shots.

and Axel used their awe to move forward and strike the agent hard. He went back, flying, smacking into the wall and crumpling to the paved ground.

The girl immediately got into action, punching him three times in the face, cutting his lip open and bloodying up his nose.

Xion: Yay, she did more verbs!
Roxas: Yeah, look at her go! She just got three solid hits on a guy way taller than her. She’s doing a better job than Sora ever has.

Roaring, Axel swung the chakrams desperately, but the agile girl dodged them with ease and made a sprint towards the exit of the alleyway.

Larxene: Maybe this is why Kairi’s always written out of scenes. She’s so badass that if she unleashed her full potential she'd solve the entire story in five minutes.

If she got away, Axel would have hell to pay.

He threw the chakram with all his might, and it hit the girl in the leg. She squealed and fell to the ground. Axel was upon her in a second, handcuffing her and kicking her in the leg-wound for good measure.

Axel: Well, all that impressive kick-assery was fun for two seconds. Back to our usual programming of violence against women.

She gave a muffled cry as he put the chakrams back into the suitcase.

"Y'know, Kairi," said Axel. "It was only a matter of time before you got yourself fucked over."

Marluxia: (as Axel) You know what fic you're in.

She spat at him and he recoiled in disgust and anger.

Roxas: You know what. Kinda on Sora’s side here cuz I’m a little bit in love with Kairi now too.
Xion: Look at her actually DOING STUFF.

Little bitch. He picked her up and carried her down a couple blocks; if anyone asked, he would say he was rushing her to the hospital.

Zexion: And then what? When she screams that she’s being kidnapped, you’ll lie that she’s also delirious?
Axel: And what happens if a Good Samaritan offers to drive her to hospital? Say “No thanks, I'd rather have the exercise”?

Thankfully, nobody did.

Terra: I’m so happy to see the Goldfish Crowd more.
Xion: (as crowd) Omigawd, it's a brand new castle!

They entered the closed hotel, and Axel took the stairs up to the fourth floor,

Roxas: Which took ten minutes and no I’m still not over that.

placing her on the bed of one of the rooms.

Axel: Only to find she'd already bled to death. Good job, Lea.

He took one of the cuffs off her, and that hand immediately smacked him across the face.

Xion: She’s verbing all over the place tonight!

He swore and punched her in the diaphragm,

Larxene: Ooh, right in the female condom!

knocking the wind right out of her. Then Axel grabbed the cuff and locked the girl to the bed.

"You know," he said again. "These past couple of days have been driving me absolutely crazy.

Axel: The truest words I have ever spoken.

Total bat-shit. First of all, I know Marluxia didn't hire anyone to kill us all. I know that. I went into his room and saw the three men. They were his victims, not hired assassins.

Marluxia: Sorry, readers, it seems the writers wanted to take time out of your day to criticize their own story. That was three seconds of your life you’ll never get back.

So my dumb ol' buddy goes into the psycho-shit's room, and now that pink-haired fuck is after him. So I gotta intervene, right? Whether or not Marluxia is a traitor, which he isn't, means nothing to me. All that matters is that Roxas is in danger. So…I guess, in a way, Marluxia is planning to betray the Organization. Catch my vibe, babe?"

Kairi groaned.

Roxas: (as Kairi) Oh great. Another man who won’t shut up about himself. Because I didn’t have enough of those in my life as is.

"You're apart of the Organization? You?"

Zexion: Hi Apart. Back to not being used correctly, I see.

"'fraid so. Crazy, right? I can't even believe it sometimes." He paused. "Why the fuck am I talking to you, of all people, about this?

Axel: Cuz this chapter is nothing more than a plot synopsis. This is like the fifth time we’ve done this!

I think I'm going crazy, Kairi. I really do. That, or I know you're going to die soon and it doesn't really matter what I tell you anyways."

"What are you going to do with me?"

Terra: Use you as yet another excuse to have the entire plot revolve around sexist violence. Because, good golly gosh, we didn't have enough!

"You'll see soon. Tomorrow night, actually, you will. If you pray to God, pray you live through whatever happens. I sure as hell know I might not." His cell phone rang. "Fuck." He answered it. "Hello?"


"Hey, Xiglicious!"

Zexion: This was a thing that was thought up, typed out, read over again, and then kept.
Mog: *from notes* And then SURPRISE! It's more small talk!

He closed to phone and saw that Kairi was looking at him, aghast.

Mog: Pretty good reaction to have after you hear someone make an AIDS joke.
Roxas: What? A joke a-why?
Mog: *squeaks* THEY USED ACQUIRED IMMUNE DEFICIENCY SYNDROME AS A NONSENSICAL PUNCHLINE,́ ͇̗̯T͉̝̕H̴E̖̣̱̗͈ͅR͇̼̻͚̭͖͘Ḛ͇̱͟ ̡̘̭͈̜̹I̬̠̫̞͉̥S̪̼̗̖͍̫ͅ ̵͎̤̜ͅN̥͟O̸͈̺̝ ̯̫͓̠̙̱͚GOOD C͉̺̤̲̠̰͞ͅǪ̭̱̳͕̣N͕̙̝̪̥T͚E͎̗͉̼X̖̝̝̦̰̮ͅȚ̸̜̼ͅͅ ̸̪͇͕F̴̰̬̻O̘̞̪͟R̝͚ TḨ̗AT̪.͏͔͎̣͓͙

"…what?" he asked.

"Fender, you said," she whispered. "Zeke Fender?"

Axel studied her and asked, "Why?"

Marluxia: Why Zeke Fender? I don't know, why not Zeke Fender.
Xion: Zeke 'fended most hers by now. The entire fic has offended most girls by now.

"I…I went to high school with him. I knew him pretty well…" She looked troubled.

Roxas: We reiterate: All we saw was them talk once. ONCE! If the story wanted to set up a stupid “friendzone” relationship, use the obnoxious flashbacks for that instead.

Axel stared at her for a long time before saying, "I'm sorry it has to be this way, but it'll all be over tomorrow.

Marluxia: It pleases me that the fic’s only thing to interest us with now is the promise that it will finally stop.

Just…stay here in the meanwhile." He walked away, but stopped at the door. "Y'know…we're a lot alike you and I.

Xion: (as Axel) We’re the same, you and me.
Roxas: (as Kairi) Actually, no, we’re not.
Xion: (as Axel) Yeah, we are.
Roxas: (as Kairi) No. We’re not.
Xion: (as Axel) Yeah, we are!
Roxas: (as Kairi) No we’re not.
Xion: (as Axel) Okay we’re not. …But we are!

Both oh-so-desperate to help the ones we care about." He laughed and left, shutting the door behind him, leaving her in darkness and within her own thoughts.

Axel: (as Kairi) Why do I put up with all this shit?
Terra: Come to think of it… We haven’t questioned this until now, but why is he kidnapping her?
Roxas: I dunno. Because Marluxia for some reason wants to kill somebody? So Xion’s being put in danger to protect the boyfriend she never hangs out with and Kairi’s been put in danger to give the men some sort of a pastime?
Xion: My only dream for the end of this spork is that we will have created a rise in the feminist movement as people finally see what the big deal is.

[to be finally concluded…]
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