thelectureroom: Mog! (Default)
[personal profile] thelectureroom
Title: The Nobody Virus
Author: hajikurazaki19 and DeadShut
Rating: One for the terrible-and-we-mean-Terrible writing, one for the horribly boring characters, one for the sexism (OMIGAWD THE SEXISM), one for the needless and graphic violence, and one just to let you know that this entire fic is devoid of any entertainment value whatsoever. You have been warned.
Full Name (including any titles): Ryan “Roxas” Hall, Sora O’Reily. (There's a million more, but they're not worth remembering.)
Full Species(es): Scum of the earth.
Hair Color (include adjectives): The quick summary for this part is to say that sometimes hair is same as canon, sometimes it’s something entirely different. There is never any good reason for either.
Eye Color (include adjectives): The most memorable colour is green. Why is it memorable? You’ll see.
Unusual Markings/Colorations/Physical Features: *shrugs*
Special Possessions (if any): Sora has a fancy stick masquerading as the Keyblade in one pocket and seemingly an Idiot Ball in the other, because incompetence like his has to be in tangible form. The story itself also has a weird love/hate relationship with Italy.

Origin: Frank Miller’s Guide to Fanfiction (with a foreword by Alan Moore)
Connections To Canon Characters: Stole their names. And then killed them to hide the evidence.
Special Abilities: Hallucinating others into believing anyone's had character development or changed in any way whatsoever.
Other Annoying Traits: Let’s save you some time and compress the answer down to “Everything not mentioned above.”

I Say/Notes: And here’s where the fun finally begins.

Part One
Part Two

WARNING FOR detailed description of rape.

6: Kingdom Hearts

Mog: Quote time!

"Beyond this place of wrath and tears Looms but the Horror of the shade,And yet the menace of the years Finds and shall find me unafraid.."
It matters not how strait the gate,How charged with punishments the scroll,I am the master of my fate:I am the captain of my soul
-William Ernest Henley, Invictus, 1875

Zexion: Oh, good. A pretentious quote. We can now check off another box from the Badfic Bingo card.

Ah, welcome back, Reader. I was certain you'd be back to see the next chapter of this tale;

Axel: What are you, a witch in front of a fireplace? Move on!

the temptation is too much to resist, isn't it?

Marluxia's scythe: *SHING*
Marluxia: It is indeed.


Yes, I thought so. Last chapter, you may have thought the shit had certainly hit the fan, but the flow of excrement is still occurring.

Vexen: Yes. Yes it is.

Ordinary people are still being forced into this fateful battle between good and evil, and new pawns have, tragically, been set into play.

Roxas: That story sounds cool. Why are we reading this one?

**As a fun little side-note, to help set the mood, I cannot urge anyone more than to check out the song "Hoodoo" by the band Muse.

Axel: Aw hell, first Stephenie Meyer, now these people?
Larxene: That band is always doomed.

Actually, yeah, go ahead onto YouTube and search it.

Lexaeus: Go ahead and illegally stream music.
Roxas: I listened to “Uprising” instead. Write that story, please.

Come back here in 3 minutes or so when you're done listening to it. You done? That was pretty fucking incredible, huh? Got an emotional feeling of despair? Excellent, you're all ready to continue this tragedy.

Zexion: Truer words have never been spoken.
Mog: Then the author talks about their FictionPress account that the admins told me can be summed up as “Darn pop-up ads, they're in my fan fiction now, too!”

****AAAAND a side-side-side-note!

Roxas: JUST START THE CHAPTER FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!
Mog: *from notes* Now onto the story!

"Were you out of your fucking mind, boy?"

Roxas winced with every word Saix had spoken.

Marluxia: And with every punch we all threw at him.

"I'm sorry, Saix," whimpered Roxas. "So, so sorry. I don't know what came over me…"

Vexen: “Utter stupidity” is a phrase that comes to mind.

"Ah, but I know," spoke his superior, teeth bared.

Axel: (as Saix) GRRRR!

"I know exactly what came over you. Your past life of misery and woe is over, Roxas. It served its purpose: bringing you to us. Now it's time to let it all go, and to start your new purpose, which is serving the Organization by succeeding in its missions."

Vexen: Finally someone speaks sense to the boy!
Larxene: We bow to you, Not-Saix.

Roxas slid to the tiled floor, and burst into a spasm of uncontrollable sobs. Tears flew from his eyes, soaking his chest.

Axel: He then formed the Pool of Tears and was carried on to the caucus race.

He felt horrible, worse than he ever had before.

I wish I were dead, he thought miserably.

Mog: *paper-balls everyone*
Roxas: We didn't even say anything!
Mog: Uh-huh, cuz you were too busy dodging! I knows what yer thinkin'. Play nice with your meany counterparts.

But Saix put a hand on his shoulder, much like he had done the first night Roxas had stayed here in Oblivion Labs.

Vexen: Roxas has the ability to remember what happened just last night. Truly, he IS the greatest member we've ever recruited!

Roxas looked up at his superior, eyes bloodshot and puffy.

Marluxia: This is what you want in your future anarchist, right? Someone that openly weeps when confronted with authority?

Saix's face was now calm and loving, like it had been before the incident at The Met And

Lexaeus: Is that its new name?
Roxas: Here's a special hello from The Met And Special Guest, Carrot Top!

that face was what made the tears suddenly dry up.

Axel: (as Saix) You royally fucked up, Ryan, but I'm okay with it now. You're instantly forgiven, sort-of-son-guy.
Zexion: There's no moon in sight so we're saved from his berserker rage.

"I will," Saix spoke softly. "Give you a chance to redeem yourself. Go up the elevator, and into my room. Wait for me there."

Larxene: If this turns into a bad porn fic, I am so out of here.

"Y-yes, sir," said Roxas, standing up and heading for the exit. "Thank you, sir."

"Just be thankful that I'm forgiving."

Axel: (as Saix) Just be thankful that I'm a completely different character.

Saix closed his eyes and motioned the boy away.

Marluxia: (as Saix) Away now, Daddy needs his medicine that comes in the brown paper bag.

As Roxas took the elevator upstairs, his mind was racing.

Saix had been correct. He had made a mistake in more than one way. It wasn't just that he had blown the mission, but also because he had acted on the seemingly eternal ghosts of his past and depression. No other Organization member would have done that.

Axel: No, none of them would have ever done that. Zexion certainly would never punch someone in the face over something stupid!

They would've been patient, calm, and collected, being the intellectuals that they all were.

Zexion: Yes, the intellectuals that use slurs every chance they get.
Lexaeus: Vexen and I haven't.
Zexion: You haven't talked.

It wasn't just a mission to prove Roxas' loyalty; it was also to test him as a person.

Vexen: Congratulations, Roxas, you failed so hard that they needed a whole new lettering system to grade you.

No member of the Organization was just a uniform or a pawn, but an actual person who was on a quest to become an even better human being by…what?

Lexaeus: Destroying the other humans so all that remained were them. That's the easiest way to become the best.

Roxas blinked heavily, puzzled. What exactly was the motivation of the Organization? What were they striving for, again? Roxas recalled what Saix had told him the previous night; it was a virus they were trying to breed. But what would that virus be used for?

Zexion: For mass destruction, as he told you in chapter two. It leaves little to the imagination.
Mog: *from notes* So Roxas realizes he's not going to be told anything if he keeps failing missions.

The elevator doors opened, and Roxas stepped out. Nobody was inside Oblivion Labs except for himself, Saix, and Axel.

Vexen: Was that a joke? Please tell me that wasn't a joke.
Mog: *from notes* Now time to wonder about So Totally Not Xemnas!

The man was clearly a part of the Organization, and was one of the two members Roxas hadn't met yet: the gambler Luxord,

Zexion: The one who is British!
Lexaeus: I'm starting to think the story has forgotten me.

who it couldn't be because he was apparently busy elsewhere in the country, counting cards at blackjack games and handling the Organization's finances…so that left him. Number One. The Head Honcho. The Big Guy.

Roxas: The Big Cheese.
Axel: The Numero Uno.
Mog: So Totally Not Xemnas!

Doctor Xehanort had been impressed by his essay, and his personality.

Axel: You guys can start dating now.
Mog: *from notes* But he's probably gonna be upset that Roxas messed up.

Head bowed in shame, he walked over to the seventh door in the hallway on his left, the door with a little golden "7" on it.

Zexion: Yes, we're truly intellectuals. So intellectual that we've decided to do away with counting and just put the numbers on all the doors. We've got people to kidnap, beer to drink, we don't have time for mental math.

The door's technology, sensing his body heat, slid open, reminding Roxas very much of futuristic movies that had the same sort of devices.

Roxas: Or, you know, automatic doors. This is technology that’s existed since the 60’s, it’s not all that fancy.
Mog: *from notes* So he goes inside Saix's room, which is pretty much a giant hologram of space with lots of computer screens around. The admins admit it's kinda silly but kinda cool.

Roxas scrolled through the list, only two of the hundreds of options being checked: "Solar System (default)" and "Starlight, Star bright (default)".

Curiosity got the best of him. Roxas lightly tapped one of the choices in this selection screen, one reading "Jupiteraurora".

Roxas: (as self) Saix decided to give me another chance! LET'S MESS WITH EVERYTHING IN HIS ROOM!
Mog: *from notes* More holograms.

CNN had always been marveled for its use of projection; Saix had conjured up something that would have the dead turning in their graves with wonder.

Larxene: I think the dead have more things to think about than some dude with way too much free time on his hands.
Roxas: That and they're preoccupied with Victor and Emily's wedding.
Mog: *from notes* Saix comes in and starts talking about space.

"Have you ever taken the time to realize how large space is?

Axel: (as Roxas) Yes. Usually at night, and then I go outside and scream, “I'm significant!”

How little we all are when it comes to space? Our knowledge is next to nothing on a universal scale, just a crumb.

Zexion: We know more about space than we do our own oceans. Just thought I should point that out.
Mog: *from notes* Saix talks about space.
Roxas: You're skipping a lot.
Mog: Saix talks about space a lot. Even I got bored, kupo. *from notes* But he does say he wonders if there's other life out there.

"Is that why you've mapped out the entire galaxy?" asked Roxas.

Axel: Naw, he did that just cuz he was bored.

He also lowered his voice to a whisper; it seemed appropriate. "To study all of its living conditions?"

Vexen: Despite how he just went on about how we know nothing, so those living conditions could be entirely different from what he planned.

"Of course," Saix's eyes never wavered from his holograms. "And, with the Organization's help, I will one day be able to continue my research personally, and not behind-the-scenes.

Marluxia: Because the hours of work he put into the holograms alone isn't personal?

Once we require what we're after…" His voice trailed off.

Zexion: As he realized he might have meant “acquire” instead.
Mog: *from notes* Roxas says sorry.

Then, he said, "Apology accepted. It was my mistake for sending a new guy

Axel: “Guy?”

on recon so suddenly, anyways. Have a seat on my bed, and I'll tell you why you're here.

Axel: GUY?!

You may not believe it at first, but you best open your mind because it's as real as your little screw-up today."

Axel: Even when we were kids he never said “guy”!

The sun set over the horizon as Adam Pete McLean

Lexaeus: *looks over; sees no one else noticed; goes back to watching*

walked down the street, teeth clenched in rage, blood staining his face. He walked with his usual swagger, because confidence was key,

Roxas: To what? Looking like you'd just gotten into a fight in an alley?

but his confidence had been somewhat lacking ever since that Ryan freak attacked him earlier today. What the fuck was that asshole doing in New York, anyways?

Zexion: Living there, perhaps? He's from the Queens borough, it's not that far away.

McLean's head was boiling.

Roxas: …eggs. Unlike most characters, he put his rage towards something productive and enjoyed some hard-boiled eggs.

He wanted to kill Ryan Hall.

Larxene: Crap, now we have to listen to another emo killer?

Tie him up, fuck his girlfriend every way possible in front of him,

Marluxia: Well that's... rude.
Vexen: The largest understatement of this whole travesty so far.

then kill them both. Slowly. Set them on fire.

Roxas: KILL IT WITH FIRE!
Axel: Don't tempt me.

Adam was so angry that he couldn't even make the speech:

Lexaeus: The broken nose probably didn't help.

he had to take a walk.

Roxas: When nothing makes you feel good then nothing makes you feel good.

Ever since he had come here alone (his parents had work, and he had the money for a bus ticket), he had felt more mature and in-control than he had ever felt at school. And then that stupid prick had to ruin it all.

Whatever. You kicked his ass in the essay-contest.

Axel: For crying out loud, it was one stinkin’ little writing contest! You didn't win the secrets to immortality, so shut up!

Yeah, but he was the one spreading rumors around, saying it was dangerous and affected some of the students' behavior…

Vexen: Parents are just that gullible.
Marluxia: This is like a hardcore liberal's idea of how a hardcore conservative views the world.

But Adam McLean played to win, though! Not to lose to some fucking chaos-obsessed lowlife! Why couldn't Hall just kill himself or something? Why'd he have to come and ruin Adam's day? He thought this the entire ride to D.C. He had to pick up a few supplies.

Axel: He's driving from New York to D.C for a few supplies? Why not just go to the grocery store, you might find Ryan standing amazed at the automatic doors!

When I get back to New York, I'm going to kill him.

That was it. That was the truth. Suddenly, the essay didn't matter anymore.

Roxas: The essay never mattered.

Neither did the fact that he was in Washington D.C. All that mattered now was McLean's thirst for violence.

Lexaeus: It's a shame he and Ryan didn't become friends. They have so many similar interests.

Yes, he would shoot Ryan dead, but not before finding his girlfriend and

Axel: Oh crap.
Roxas: What, what's wrong?
Axel: Lily Ion.
Roxas: ...is a name, yeah.
Axel: But if we put X's in our names then—
Roxas: *horrified gasp* Xion?!
Vexen: You've only now made this connection?
Roxas: But-bu-but... Xion!
Larxene: I've been sitting here for most of this wondering why they have you dating your clone.
Roxas: *still horrified* Xion!

He smiled at the twilight sky before walking into the hotel the Senate had rented a room for him in. They were very generous in their gift giving.

Larxene: Free lollipops for everyone!

He supposed that they knew his parents were hard workers. McLean went up to his room without acknowledging a soul. Every time he turned to look at someone, he saw his face…Hall's face. And every time he saw Hall's face,

Axel: *slaps a hand over Roxas' eyes*
Roxas: Wha— I can't see anything! Cut it out!
Axel: You'll thank me for this, trust me

he saw the image of Lily Ion, tied up in rope, buck-naked, crying for help as he, Adam, showed her who was boss.

Larxene: And then Lisbeth Salander came in with a golf club, the end!
Roxas: What? What's going on?

In his fantasy, Adam could almost feel her smooth ass-cheek as he smacked it with all his might, his mind's eye seeing the way it grew red with his handprint.

Axel: And as he was thinking this, he didn't notice the open elevator shaft and fell down it, the end!
Zexion: We are not that lucky.
Roxas: Guys? Guys, you gotta tell me what's going on.

He would show her a new meaning of sex, and Ryan would watch every second of it at gunpoint. Maybe the fucker would even cry. McLean shuddered in delight.

Larxene: Hey, Marly, I have an idea!
Marluxia: Being?
Larxene: Let's write a book together!
Marluxia: Fine, I have nothing better to do with my time.
Larxene: Here's my pitch: Stories with a moral to them are so passé, we should write only about grim gritty grittiness and no happiness whatsoever. Mirth and pathos is for sissies.
Marluxia: I am intrigued. Continue.
Roxas: *still desperately trying to remove Axel's hand from his face*

As soon as he was in his room, Adam sat down at his laptop and searched the Ion's house number. He found it easily, and called from his cell phone.

Vexen: The Internet: Taking the middle-man out of stalking.
Roxas: Seriously, this isn't funny anymore! I'm freaking out!

It rang a few times before a groggy voice came on.

"Hello?"

"Hi, there," said Adam in the most pleasant voice he could muster. "My name is-er-"

Don't use your first name!

"-Pete. My name is Pete Peg.

Roxas: Guys? Guys, why are you so quiet?
Lexaeus: That thud you heard, dear audience, was your childhood being killed right in front of you.
(Roxas takes Axel's hand away from his face and tries to catch up. Axel is still too shocked to do anything.)

Is this Mrs. Ion?"

"Yes…who are you?"

"I'm a friend of Lily's. Is she there?"

"No, I'm afraid she's been vacationing in Germany with her father. But they'll be back by tomorrow.

Zexion: They heard it was convenient to be back by then.
Marluxia: (as Mrs. Ion) I'll not question why a friend of my daughter's doesn't know she's been in an entirely different continent for some time. Having thoughts would be silly.

Do you need to leave a message for her…?"

"Nope, that's fine."

Adam hung up on the woman before she could say anything else.

Vexen: Like how realistically serendipitous her role in this story was.

This was going to go delightfully. The bitch would be back by tomorrow. Which meant that he needed to get to Manhattan right away.

He hadn't meant to use his middle name as a cover, but it was the first thing that came to his mind. Besides, he loved his middle name. "Adam" was boring. "Pete" was a name for a champion…

Axel: *finally recovered* THIS IS NOT WHAT I MEANT WHEN I SAID I WANTED A VILLAIN NAMED PETE!

which he was, wasn't he?

Marluxia: You're a cat that looks more like a Boston terrier. “Champion” is never the word that comes to mind.
Lexaeus: Not to mention he is nowhere near the age of a teenager. Yes, I know that is the least of this story's problems right now, but... Why, writers?
Zexion: How old is PJ now? Negative thirty years old?

Yes, of course he was. And, soon, Ion would be tasting something other than Ryan's cock. Something metal and greasy. Something loaded with bullets.

Roxas: *still trying to catch up* What the flipping heck just happened in this story!

From his suitcase, McLean produced a small revolver. It had been his father's idea,

Axel: (as Father McLean) Here, son, I think it would be a good idea to take this on your trip.
Roxas: (as McLean) Uh, I don't think this is legal—
Axel: (as Father McLean) Now, son, you never know when it might be convenient to have a gun in your suitcase.
Roxas: (as McLean) Shouldn't I have a license or—
Axel: (as Father McLean) GO FORTH AND SHOW THE WORLD THE TRUE ART OF OVERREACTING! I KNOW YOU WILL MAKE ME PROUD!

and although at first the concept scared him, McLean now enjoyed the weapon's presence.

Larxene: Why is New York filled with nut jobs?
Roxas: The entire city has “The Time (Dirty Bit)” stuck in their heads! It's an emergency! We need some Andrews Sisters, stat!

It was almost like fate was giving him a chance to do what must be done: get rid of shit-eating Ryan Hall, no matter what the consequences were.

Roxas: All I did was punch him in the face! That was it!
Axel: It's like if Harvey Dent went berserk because someone spilled hot coffee on his favorite shirt.

Adam Pete McLean checked out of his hotel that night, and a new journey began.

Just wait until I get back to New York, fucker.

He got back on the New York Greyhound that night.

Roxas: Um, um. *trying to sing* On the backseat of a Greyhound bus, heart so big that it could— No, I can't do it! No cheesy song reference can save this!

Sora could not rest. His heart was pounding as his body pressed against Kairi's. Her lemony perfume was so strong, yet so beautiful, and when she wrapped her arms around his torso, he could have died and gone to Heaven.

Axel: Because this is what we wanna see after the rape scene! Sora being a horny loser some more!
Zexion: In a more succinct form: *hits book against forehead*

Her face turned towards his chest, and her pretty little nose smelled him.

"You smell good," she pointed out in a whisper.

Sora chuckled. "Thank you?"

Larxene: I didn't know girls liked that beef jerky smell.

"Mhmm."

He stared at the ceiling, pondering as to what he should do.

Zexion: Parents, or girl? *weighs options* I'd go with the girl too.

Was she coming onto him? Or was she just being friendly?

Awfully fucking friendly.

That made him grin a little.

Vexen: He was going down the dark path of cursing every second word. What's not to smile about?

Nothing, not a thing in the world, mattered right now except for this bed and Kairi.

Roxas: Parents? Kidnapped? Possibly being tortured or dying?

Although he closed his eyes a couple times, he was kept awake by his racing mind, sometimes fueled by worries, other times filled with just curious questions. Did she want him to do something? Had she felt the same connection he had? He decided that he was going to risk it all: he kissed her head. Her hair was warm and smooth on his lips.

Roxas: PARENTS! KIDNAPPED! POSSIBLY BEING TORTURED OR DYING!
Lexaeus: He's forgotten, we may as well too.

She looked up at him with her beautiful blue eyes, freckled face incredibly blushing.

"W-why did you do that?" she asked him, but she was not letting go.

Sora answered so simply that it shocked him, "Because I think I love you."

"You don't even know me."

Marluxia: Kairi's the smartest person so far.

"I know. And I still love you."

He kissed her full on the lips, something he had never done with a girl before.

Larxene: Boy, does that sentence explain a lot about this character.
Mog: *from notes* Smoochie smoochie.

They broke apart again, now gasping for breath.

"Sora?" Kairi panted.

"Y-yeah?" He felt as though he had been hit by a train…a train full of…marshmallows.

Roxas: Anyone could suplex that train, it's not near as impressive.

Maybe I'm not a poet.

"We cannot tell Riku."

"Uh, no," he said. "That would be bad."

Lexaeus: But why? He's never shown any romantic inclination to her and neither has Kairi towards him.
Larxene: (as Kairi) Hey, Riku buddy, quick favour to ask. Could you pretend to be all jealous if you see me and Sora together so we can have a cheap love triangle kthxbye!

"So let's not kill time; he'll be back any minute."

They went at it again.

Zexion: So to follow after the rape fantasy we have a scene of the two kids that have barely known each other for twenty-four hours making out?
Axel: *applause* Yay, fic, you tried to do juxtaposition! Here's an animation for your efforts:


Roxas was laying down in his bed, on top of the covers, staring at the ceiling and recounting everything he had just heard from Saix. What he had gathered was mind-numbingly incredible, such a deliciously grand plan, and such a large step for humanity.

Roxas: The Virus would turn everyone into cakes! Delicious, sugary cakes!

The whole explanation he had just received had three main points of focus: 1. The Virus. 2. The Takeover. 3. Kingdom Hearts.

Vexen: It would have been nice to actually see the scene where Roxas reacts to this information instead of being told it.
Larxene: It’s an info-dump of an info-dump.

The Virus came first, probably because it was the first step of the entire plot that the Organization was working hard for.

Roxas: O RLY?

The Virus was codenamed "Nobody", since it was being bred by literal nobody-scientists.

Vexen: They literally have no bodies?
Marluxia: We used to live on an entirely different planet, but then there was an incident involving a baking soda rocket so we had to move and eventually settled on Earth.

The Virus was almost like computer malware,

Zexion: Almost as if computer viruses are named after the biological ones.

but brought into existence through careful research.

Axel: Computer viruses aren't actually made by people, doncha know? Those hackers are just for show.
Vexen: Perhaps the plan is to decimate Defcon and move up from there.

At first, it could only infect people via syringe, but (thanks to Xaldin, who was a very successful virus-breeder before joining the Organization)

Larxene: What a co-winky-dink!
Lexaeus: He needed something else to do besides be a doorman. It's not a very interesting job.

could now be administered through the air. The Nobody Virus almost was a computer virus, for it was literally programmed to infect only humans or human-shaped bodies.

Zexion: Ryan, read a book!
Axel: Go outside!
Larxene: Look at another human being!
Roxas: Have an intermission!
Mog: Um, I don't think we're allowed—
Roxas: INTERMISSION NOW!
Mog: *terrified*
[to be continued…]
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